


We'll always have the moon.

by NotForOneSecond



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically a Nicholas Sparks novel - but gayer, Happy Ending, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, POV Aaron Dingle, PTSD, Romantic Soulmates, Single dad trope, Teacher AU (sort of), angst & fluff, big romantic reunion, big soppy goodbyes, domestic husbands, letter writing, modern day soldier AU, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-08 16:19:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 87,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15934052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotForOneSecond/pseuds/NotForOneSecond
Summary: While working through his deployment for the British Army, Aaron Dingle unsuspectingly meets the love of his life at a bar one night in the form of Robert Sugden.Navigating through war, love, heartbreak, and tears they build their relationship, communicating through handwritten letters. But after they've built a life and a family together, is Aaron willing to sacrifice it all for his country?Emmerdale Big Bang round 2:





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s finally here!
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> After months of stress, tears and hand cramp.
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> I present to you all, My Big Bang!
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> But obviously, none of this was possible - without a little help.
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> Firstly to @rustandruin & @letthebluerain
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> My beta and my motivator.
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> This fic wouldn’t be possible without either of you two, you have improved it in every way, screamed and shouted about little details and kept me going when I wanted to give up. Thank you for all the hard work and time you’ve put into this with me, this is truly as much of yours as it is mine.
> 
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> To anyone I’ve sent previews to through the course of writing (since early February) I thank you for all your kind comments and notes. Your excitement is what made me want to write more.
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> And of course @justleavemebreathless
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> The beautiful and amazing artist for this story.
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> Thank you for being excited to read, thank you for being dedicated to making this art so wonderful as I was to writing the fic.
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> It’s truly stunning.
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> Lastly, I hope you all enjoy.

**North East Germany,  Feb 2012**

 

“Drink! Drink! Drink!”

 

The chorus of cheers does nothing to help Aaron drink the remains of the stein in his hand. The liquid is thick and fizzy down his throat, but he’s a man of his word and one fit for a challenge. So when the dart bounces off the board and hits the floor signalling his loss, that’s what he does. He drinks.

 

“Yes, Dingle!” His, friend Adam gives his back a hard slap, his usual dopey smile made extra irritating due to the alcohol in his system. “What a lad!”

 

“Alright,” Aaron swallows down a burp, one hand on his stomach which now feels like its got an ocean of beer on a windy night, splashing about inside of him. “My round!” He announces, shuffling his way out of the booth he and the rest of the lads occupy and making his way to the bar.

 

He’s not quite drunk, more like somewhere in between wanting to be involved in every conversation and his head feeling fuzzy. But he’s merry, his smile big and his stance confident. Any worries he may wake up to are forgotten at this very moment.

 

“Rowdy bunch aren’t you?”

 

The voice startles him, mostly because the thick Yorkshire accent is one rarely found in the depths of North East Germany. He shuffles, turning towards the sound.

 

The first thing he notices is the smug grin. The type you want to kiss away even if it’s just to prove a point. The other man’s lips are plump, red and inviting, Aaron has to divert his gaze from them immediately, instead taking in his face as a whole; the defined jaw, chiseled cheekbones he’d be scared to cut a finger on, the scatter of freckles, perfectly placed like the finer details of a masterpiece, blonde hair pushed out of his face looking straight out of a shampoo commercial.

 

He’s _gorgeous_ , Aaron thinks. Shit is he gorgeous.

 

“Not a problem is it?” He asks gruffly. He wants to come across as stern, but his breath is caught in his throat by simply looking at this man.

 

Aaron sees a flicker of something in the other man's eyes. Shock, maybe, from the mirrored accent that comes from years of growing up in the Yorkshire Dales. Or, Aaron hopes, possibly lust.

 

“Not when the view’s this good.” The blond smirks with confidence, pushing his hand out between them. “Robert.”

 

Aaron’s eyes linger on the waiting hand for a few moments, before he raises an eyebrow towards this Robert bloke. The blond man’s smirk doesn't falter, his shoulders stay broad and his confidence is evident. Aaron would be lying if he said he wasn’t intrigued. 

 

“Aaron.” He nods, taking Roberts hand in his own. He has a firm, strong grip that somehow speaks louder than any words and Aaron can’t help but bite the corner of his bottom lip at the thoughts that cloud his mind.

 

“Oi, what happened to the drinks.” Adam’s voice calls out annoyingly from behind him, but Aaron’s eyes stay on Robert.

 

“I’m busy.” Aaron replies, loud enough for only Robert to hear. Their eyes stay locked, their hands still connected. If the smile on Robert’s face and the glint in his eye is anything to go by, they’ve definitely both got the same idea.

 

 

:::

 

 

Aaron accepts the offer of a drink. Of course he does. Because Robert is gorgeous and he’s feeling careless tonight. (And whenever he’s got his eyes on Robert, everything else just seems to fade away.) 

 

They’re laughing and talking and it’s easy and flirtatious. It’s easily the most Aaron has smiled in months; so much so that his cheeks are starting to ache.

 

“So, why the army?” Robert asks. They’re still sat at the bar and Aaron can feel the eyes of his squad on him but he doesn’t care much.

 

“What gave it away?” Aaron chuckles, his face held up by his hand and his elbow resting on the bar, Robert’s stare turning him into something resembling a lovesick teen.

 

“Oh, I don't know — The authoritative manner, the impressive biceps, or maybe just the fact that you and all your mates over there have the special forces logo on your _shirts_ ,” Robert jokes playfully. Their knees keep brushing up against each other and Aaron hopes how hot he feels under Robert’s gaze isn't showing in his skin tone.

 

He laughs at the other man’s response, comfortable in the company he’s keeping. “Yeah, we’re doing a tour of duty here in Germany. What brings you here?”

 

“Work. Although it’s not as interesting as yours.”

 

“I’m not _that_ interesting,” Aaron smiles back shyly, his eyes flicking up towards Robert through his eyelashes. “You’ll see.”

 

“I hope so,” Robert smirks back, flirtation dripping off his tongue as he catches Aaron’s eye.

 

Heat creeps up his cheeks under Robert’s longing stare, and there’s a moment of silence between the two of them that words can’t quite capture. Aaron’s overcome with lust, feels it running through his body. Robert’s smirk stretches wide, makes his perfectly rounded lips curve in an appetising way and it’s enough to make Aaron want to grab him by the hand and pull him into the nearest secluded space right there and then, other people be damned.

 

“Anyway, I thought soldiers were supposed to have shaved heads?” Robert teases, changing the subject as he adjusts his seating position and coughs away the tension.

 

“It’s not the 1950’s anymore,” Aaron’s laughing more intensely now, infectious and deep. The smile on his face hasn’t faltered in hours, and the corners of his eyes are becoming damp. “Although, judging by your outfit, you haven’t figured that out.” 

 

“Elbow patches are always in fashion,” Robert feigns offence, but he can’t help but let the smile on his face break out at the sight of the dark haired stranger in front of him.

 

“Sure. You keep telling yourself that.”

 

“Coming from the guy who wears a dog tag.” Robert continues, laughing and pointing out the chain around Aaron’s neck. It’s an old tradition that’s no longer necessary in this day and age, but Aaron and the rest of his squad wear two tags containing their information on a chain around their neck. The joke makes Aaron tense up for a second, before relaxing his shoulders, Robert noticing as he does so.

 

“You know, you really shouldn’t make fun of a man who knows 20 ways to kill you with his bare hands.” Aaron replies, voice thick and low which has Robert swallowing hard. His eyes bulge a little and he’s not quite sure where to look when Aaron eyes him sideways.

 

He watches as Robert’s mouth opens and closes, no words releasing and a frightened look on his face.

 

“I’m kidding,” Aaron laughs, his facade dropping. He’s smiles as Robert visibly relaxes, letting out a sigh of relief. “I know 30.”

 

His shoulder knocks against Robert as they both laugh, Robert’s chuckle a little more shaky than Aaron’s own.

 

“So, how long you here in Germany?” Robert asks, once he’s somewhat re-gained his confidence and the laughing subsides.

 

“We move out tomorrow,” Aaron tells him, his voice thick as he finishes his sentence. His eyes sparkle with something that looks like promise. The smirk following it confirms that. “Just one _last_ night.” 

 

“We should make the most of it then.” Robert replies, his voice low and slow to match Aaron’s suggestive one. He nods his head towards the exit, his eyes still boring into Aaron’s bright ones.

 

Aaron feels Roberts gaze all over him, eyes tracing every aspect of his body. They shine under the yellow tones of the pub light bulbs, his blonde eyelashes framing them perfectly, Aaron wonders what he’s thinking when his tongue darts out to wet at his plump and rosy lips, driving him wild.

 

“What are we waiting for?”

 

 

 

:::

 

 

They briskly make their way to Robert’s hotel, shoulders and fingertips brushing against each other, as their steps start to sync and speed up; both men desperately wanting to be alone.

 

 

The door to Robert’s room is barely unlocked before Aaron’s kissing up the back of his neck and placing his hands firm on Robert’s slender hips. A moan escapes from the older man’s throat, the wetness of Aaron’s breathe hot on his cold neck, his teeth grazing at Robert’s earlobe as he pushes his body flat against Robert’s. It’s enough to make Robert come undone, grinding backwards onto Aaron’s hardening cock. He’s tempted to just turn and fall to his knees there and then, but he’s stopped by Aaron pushing them through the hotel door, bodies still connected as they tumble inside.

 

The room’s dimly lit, the moonlight shining through the window the only thing highlighting Robert’s face, making his eyes twinkle a little as they rake over Aaron’s. His hands come up to cup at the stubbled filled jaw as he pulls the other man into a kiss.  One that is soft and inviting when Aaron opens his mouth for Robert’s tongue, breathless and unforgiving when neither of them stop for air, too caught up in each other.

 

Aaron’s hands hook around Robert’s waist, clutching his t-shirt at the dip of his back. It takes all his self restraint not to let the strangled moan release from his throat.

 

 It’s like nothing he’s ever experienced, making his adrenaline run more than any day out in the field, and his heart pound like never before. He’s worried if he doesn’t stop now he may become light headed, but he can’t seem to find room to care. These kisses feel like healing, making everything go away for a few minutes, until all he sees is…

 

Robert, breaking away with his winning smile and hooded eyes. Robert, who’s connecting their lips again, more passionately this time, pushing them towards the bed. Robert, whose expensive cologne is in Aaron’s nostrils, lingering. Although he’s only known this man for less than 24 hours, he knows it's ever so him, and he never wants to forget that smell.

 

They’re a mess of fumbling fingers and fast hands that can't seem to be controlled as they fall onto the bed. Aaron’s maneuvered them so he’s in between Robert’s thighs, admiring the view from above.

 

He falters with the buttons as he kisses down from Robert’s lips to his neck, feeling electric with every touch. Aaron notices a bead of sweat on Roberts forehead as he releases from the kiss and sits back on his heels. It’s almost as if he’s sparkling in the moonlight and Aaron can't help but stare, biting the inside of his cheek to keep his smile from breaking out.

 

Robert smiles back and Aaron can only hope he’s not alone in feeling this, whatever it may be. Illuminating with every touch, every spark of life that comes from the other man.

 

Roberts hand drags from Aaron’s hip to the hem of his t-shirt and his soft fingertips toy with it, leaving heat wherever they touch. Aaron knows his next move, can see it in the want in his eyes, but he’s not ready to show that part of himself yet.

 

He takes Roberts hands, removing them from their current location and intertwines their fingers above his head. Robert throws him a look mixed with concern and curiosity, but Aaron just shakes his head and dips back down for a kiss

 

“It stays on.” Aaron whispers in between kisses, mainly to avoid Robert’s questioning eyes. He recieves a nod in agreement, Robert deciding not to pry. It’s a simple gesture but it settles Aaron, makes him more comfortable with the almost stranger, who already feels far too prominent in Aaron's heart. It eases him further when Robert removes his jeans, followed by his own.

 

Aaron feels alive when Roberts legs wrap around his waist, fingers digging into cotton covered shoulder blades as Aaron traces his fingertip over the curve of Robert’s ass, teasing before giving in to temptation. He leaves kisses, wet and harsh, down Robert’s neck and chest, before he releases to leave purple stamps of affection once their bodies are moving in sync with each other.

 

The small room is hot and lingers with the smell of them both as their bodies cling to each other, losing track of where one ends and the other begins. When Aaron’s body collapses on top of Robert’s a large hand pulls lightly in his damp curls, his teeth grazing across his sharp collarbone.

 

It isn’t long before he’s seeing stars and shouting a name that he could become all too familiar with. Robert’s thighs are pressed tight up against Aaron’s hips, fists full of cotton bedsheets as his stomach is dressed white and his breathing finally returns to normal.

 

“Wow.” Robert murmurs breathlessly after a few moments. Aaron’s collapsed on the bed next to him and the soft fingertip tracing patterns on his arm is all too settling.

 

He cracks a laugh at Robert’s words, his head falling to the side to take him in. There's a smile on his face he can’t quite contain and although his body feel exhausted, he’s more awake than ever when looking at the blond next to him.

 

As moonlight dances over his side profile, Robert’s features become much more defined to his naked eye. He could count the freckles on his cheek as a way to make him fall asleep, a thought so much more satisfying than thinking about sheep.

 

But there’s no time for sleep. As much as he will regret it tomorrow, he has Robert tonight, and he wants to make every last minute count.

 

 

 

:::

 

 

Aaron wakes to warm hands on his stomach and wet kisses on his neck. He’s not quite sure when he drifted off — somewhere between discussing Robert’s business plans for the future and his own love of German Shepherds — but he feels the lack of sleep in his bones as the morning sun stings his squinted eyes.

 

“What times your flight?” Robert murmurs into his neck between kisses, making Aaron feel more content than he’s ever been. For a man who’s lived on Army bases and bunks the last two years, this feels like home somehow.

 

“Eight.” Aaron replies with a sigh, stretching his neck out and giving Robert more access to ignite his skin.

 

Robert’s lips tense at Aaron’s words, before the contact is lost and Aaron’s left feeling homeless. Robert’s eyes flash with disappointment as he props himself up on his elbow, looking down at Aaron.

 

“No time for a quicky then?” Robert jokes, but the laughter in his voice come across strained and his eyes look a little lost.

 

“No.” Aaron replies with a sigh. His lips turn at the corners and he feels a prickling in his chest that he tries to ignore when he sits up straighter.

 

He leans over, presses a soft kiss to Robert’s lips, one that lingers a little too long for just a one night stand. He shuffles out from under the sheets in silence, his body feeling cold and isolated due to the lack of contact, — or more specifically, the lack of Robert.

 

Aaron collects his stuff in silence, the room filled with shallow breaths and overthinking brains as Robert watches on from the bed.

 

Aaron turns to face him once he’s ready to leave, taking in the man in front of him as he lays back on the bed, bare chested with the white sheets low on his hips, and blonde dishevelled hair that Aaron can still feel between his fingertips. His lips are swollen red and his eyes hooded from a night of too much kissing and not enough sleeping.

 

He swallows down hard, knowing that not waking up to this image ever again is going to hurt more than any of the wounds he’s accumulated over the years. He tries to blink slowly, letting his eyes stay closed just a few seconds extra as he tries to remember the scatter of freckles low on Robert’s back that almost form a star if you look close enough.

 

A smile creeps up on his lips at the image.

 

He takes another look at Robert’s face, and hopes the smile he’s giving him doesn’t look too pained.

 

Robert begins to fumble with the bedsheets, they’re wrapped around his legs and Aaron watches him as he tries to escape from the covers and throw his legs out the bed, but Aaron stops him, tells him to stay in bed and a eerily silence takes over the room once more when Robert complies.

 

“So- “

 

“Mayb-”

 

They both laugh at the interruptions, it’s the lightest the air has felt all morning and Robert smiles more widely now, in a way that has his eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

“Maybe I can write to you?” 

 

It comes out in a laugh with a shrug of his bare shoulders, but there's an anxiousness to Robert’s tone.

 

“Yeah, maybe.” Aaron smiles back, mirroring the other man’s shoulder shrug, trying to downplay the fact that he wants Robert to do so more than anything.

 

He grabs a pen and scribbles some details on the hotel branded paper before taking the few small steps to where Robert is on the bed. He takes in a deep breath, a faint smile playing on his lips as he hands Robert the piece of paper. Their brushing hands sends electricity through Aaron and they both linger a little too long before Aaron leans down to kiss him on the cheek. He inhales as he does so, wants to remember this moment and everything about it once he’s out the door. He reluctantly releases his lips after a few moments and forces himself to distance.

 

“Bye Robert.” Aaron whispers all to close to his ear before heading towards the door.

 

He takes one last look, catches a glimpse of his red red ringed eyes from lack of sleep, his tousled blonde hair flat against his forehead. A far cry from the man he was last night, but Aaron could get used to waking up next to Robert bathed in the morning sunlight he thinks to himself, as the door clicks shut.

 

 

:::

 

Aaron’s eyes are heavy as he settles onto the cargo plane, head lolled back and a tightness in his chest.

 

He starts thinking about home and it’s comforts; the famous pies you can only get at the local pub, A freshly brewed mug of Yorkshire tea, and even the smell of cow manure that never quite disappears when living in small village. He never saw it as a home before. Never stuck around long enough to do so. But now, it’s the first place he thinks of when he’s feeling particularly lost.

 

But soon, there’s another thought occupying his mind. Images of the night before, another face behind his eyelids and he has to stop himself from smiling when he thinks about him.

 

“Oi, Dingle!”

 

A piece of scrunched up paper hits him on the side of the head. Some of his squad are laughing from the other side of the plane, Adam’s voice overpowering everyone else’s.

 

“Good night then I’m guessing?” He chuckles.

 

Aaron snarls at him, shuffling his body for comfort and closing his eyes once more, the exhaustion from the night before taking over him.

 

All he can think is it was so much more than just a “good night.”

 

Robert’s face is the last thing he sees before sleep takes him victim.

 

 

 

 

**Gibraltar, March 2012**

There's a trail of mud in Aaron’s wake as he make his way inside towards his bunk. Shrugging off his rain soaked jacket and hanging his helmet up, he toes off his boots. It’s been a long, miserable day and he wants nothing more than to collapse into his bed and be alone  -

 

“Dingle.”

 

Chance would be a fine thing.

 

Aaron stands from his bunk, groaning as he does so.

 

“Letter for you.” He recognizes the voice as that of his Sergeant and stands up a little straighter out of habit.

 

“Thanks Sarge.” He replies with a polite nod as he accepts the letter from the older man, brow furrowing as he does so.

 

He falls back onto his bunk, turns the rain splashed envelope over in his hands and reads the return address.

 

_Robert J. Sugden_

_122 Lincoln Road_

_Leeds_

_UK_

_LS2 7QA_

Aaron exhales sharply, excitement and nerves tingling in his veins as he recognises the name. It’s been three weeks since that name had last left his lips. Three weeks of wondering if he’d always be the one that got away.

 

The sound of the rain hitting the window reminds him he’s awake, and that he isn't imagining this.

 

His shaky hands carefully open the letter. He takes one last deep breath before his eyes scan the words.

 

 

_Aaron_

It's all he reads before his heart is pounding in overdrive and he has to take a few deep breaths to regain himself. He’s smiling widely and it feels almost idiotic, but Aaron’s thankful nobody else is around.

 

_How old school is this? Writing letters to send overseas? I even bought a new ballpoint especially for this. How's the weather in Gibraltar? Anything's better than the dull skies of Leeds. I can’t believe I’ve just asked about the weather…  Anyway. I didn’t really know what to write, I just know that I wanted to write to you. I wanted to talk to you, even if it means waiting weeks or months for a reply, it’s worth it I guess. That night in Germany… It was something else, What are the chances of bumping into someone from south Yorkshire? I haven’t been able to get you off my mind since. Wow… there’s definitely something about writing letters than makes you so very honest isn't there? I hope you’re well, and still styling out the dog tag like a pro haha! It’s pretty late here, the moon looks huge tonight and i can’t help but wonder how it looks from where you are. It’s crazy that isn’t it? No matter where we both are in the world, we’ll always be looking at the same moon. Kinda makes the world feel a little smaller right?_

_Stay Safe_

_Robert._

Aaron lets out a heavy breath he didn’t realise he was holding in and laughs a little at himself as he bites on his bottom lip, but it does nothing to contain the smile. He runs a hand over his face, almost to regain himself before smiling even wider, a small noise releases from his lips before he lets his outbursts take over him and shuffles around in excitement - getting a little too carried away and banging his head on the top of the bunk bed, making him feel ridiculous. He re-reads the short letter over and over again. His heart is pounding in his chest and his pulse is in his ears, everything feels so alive for the first time in weeks.

 

Once his breathing steadies and his heart calms, he jumps to his feet. Manically searches in his cabinet for some scrap paper and a pen — anything that would allow him to just put all these feelings on paper before he shouts them to the moon.

 

He finally finds some and it’s enough to make the smile spread across his face again as he finds himself on the floor, back up against his bed and paper propped up on his knee.

 

His writing is a messy scribble and his words probably don’t make sense but he just needs to write.

 

So he does.

 

 

_Robert_

_I wasn’t expecting to hear from you, with you being such a high flying businessman and all. Have you took over the world yet? Rainy in leeds? Shocker.. Some things never change. Gibraltar isn’t much better on the weather front though. There's nothing like a rainy day to make you homesick for English weather. I’m glad you wrote to me, and you’re right about letters making you more honest… Because you haven’t left my mind since Germany, and I don’t think you’ll be gone anytime soon. I’m still rocking the dog tags, have you got rid of your elbow patches yet? Leeds feels like another world away right now, sometimes I wish I could just take a day off, fly over for a pint and forget about everything over here for a couple of hours. Maybe one day you can take me to the pub you told me about, the one with the log fire and the craft beers? Warm budweiser is the fanciest thing I’ll be drinking for a while._

_That’s a pretty cool thought about the moon,  I’ve never thought about it like that. The moon is hiding behind the clouds tonight, it’s not very big, but it’s there, and  I’m looking at it, just like you are. I guess we’ve always got the moon?_

_Always safe_

_Aaron._

 

 

Aaron breathes a sigh of relief as he drops the pen to the floor. Re-reading his words with a faint smile on his face. It’s the most excited and, dare he say, the most _hopeful_ , he’s felt in a long time. There is something just so promising about the piece of paper in his hand. It's then that the moon catches the corner of his eye from the window, the clouds having passed by and leaving it clearer somehow. Suddenly it seems so much brighter and bolder. It makes him feel surprisingly calm, as he bites back the smile teasing at his lips.

 

He shoves the letter in an envelope and leaves it on his bedside cabinet to send off in the morning.

 

Shuffling out of his pants, he crawls under the thin blanket, missing the warmth of another body. He lays his head back on the hard pillow, Robert’s letter still crisp and neat in his hands as his eyes trace over every word, every detail of his writing. How carefully his ‘t’ curls into his ‘e’ and how he can almost hear Robert’s laugh when he writes it out on paper.

 

It's only when he wakes up the next morning, letter still in hand and smile on his lips that he realises just how deep he’s in.

 

:::

 

 

One night, one letter and suddenly Robert had Aaron completely and utterly hooked.

 

He becomes beside himself, any time the air post comes in. He’s the first one up, hovering over the shoulder of his superior hoping to be passed an envelope.

 

“Nothing for you Dingle, sorry.”

 

Two and a half weeks later, and still no sign of a letter.

 

Maybe it was a one off? Maybe Robert thought Aaron’s letter was too much, too soon? Maybe it didn’t even get to him? Countless possibilities swim through Aaron’s mind as he lays in the dark at night, looking out the window to the bright moon hidden behind the fast moving clouds.

 

“What's with you lately, Dingle?”

 

A face comes into his vision, blocking his view of the moon. Adam’s half hanging off the top bunk, his lips turned into a frown Aaron thinks, but it’s hard to tell from the way his head hangs upside down in front of him. “Not like you to be waiting on letters from home.”

 

“What’s it to you.” Aaron snarls, instantly regretting his defensive manner.

 

“I’m only asking bro.” Adam replies, throwing his hands up in defense but it all looks a bit silly from Aaron’s angle on the bottom bunk.

 

He sits up a bit straighter, and lets out a sigh. The last thing he wants to do is take this out on his friends, which is all Adam has ever been to him, a good friend.

 

They’d met six years ago at training. Both young Yorkshire lads from small villages with the world at their fingertips. Adam had quickly become the closest thing to a sibling Aaron had ever experienced. Leaving home — or lack thereof — at 16 to join the armed forces hadn’t exactly been his dream but it was what he wanted at the time; a sense of belonging, people to look out for, protect. It’s made him the man he is today. A better man. And a proud one. And Adam was there every step of the way, when nights got tough and days were long, he was always there to keep Aaron on the straight and narrow.

 

“How do you do it Ads ?” Aaron asks with an exhale, his fingers fiddling with a stray piece of cotton on his pillow.

 

“Do what?” Adam replies with a more serious face than before.

 

“The long distance thing.” Aaron shrugs, his eyes not meeting Adam’s.

 

“Ah.” Adam nods in understanding,  Aaron can practically see the light bulb going off in his head and he worries he’s said too much.

 

“So this is about a bloke?”

 

Aaron shrugs, doesn’t verbalize a response. Adam knows him well enough now to know he’s not a man of many words.

 

“It’s hard mate. It is, but you make it work.” Adam smiles softly. “And in the end, it’s worth it. Well, my Megan’s worth it anyway.” Adam continues, his smile growing bigger with each word.

 

Aaron’s heard a lot about her, the childhood sweetheart Adam left back in his village to follow his boyhood dream of joining the army. His friend flashes the photo of her in his wallet any chance he gets. It sounds like it’s straight out of a romance novel, and almost has Aaron throwing up in his mouth. But Adam’s already discussed his plans to propose next time he goes home, promising Aaron the role of Best Man at his wedding, confident in her answer already. 

 

“Although, the signal thing is a pain in the ass out here,” Adam groans. “Three times I tried to get some action over webcam last week! Every time, it cut out! I’m getting blue balls just thinking about it. Thank God for photos, ay?”

 

He chuckles, wiggling his eyebrows towards Aaron. But he just receives a smack in the face from Aaron’s pillow, followed by more laughter as Adam pulls himself back up onto his bed.

 

“Why you asking anyway?” Adam asks once he’s back up on his bed, out of sight from Aaron.

 

“No reason.” Aaron replies, not much over a whisper as he pulls the letter out of his bedside cabinet and reads.

 

 

:::

 

 

It’s one of those days. One of those terrible, awful, dreadful days.

 

Aaron’s messed up. He knows he has. He’s been doing this job long enough to know when he’s in for an earful from the look Sergeant Collins gives him when he messes up on the training exercises for the third time that day.

 

He winces at the call of his name, makes his way over with his shoulders slumped and head bowed in embarrassment.

 

“What the hell was that out there today?” His sergeant asks in an authoritative manner, his eyes blazing and nostrils flaring. He stands a couple of inches above  Aaron’s shorter frame, shoulders broader that his own. It makes him cower a little.

 

“Sorry Serg, It won’t happen again.” Aaron replies, standing up straighter now, scratching the back of his neck out of habit.

 

“You better well hope not! You’re supposed to be setting an example out there. So sort it out!”

 

“Yes Serg.” Aaron nods, before turning and making his way back to the cabin feeling defeated.

 

It’s not often he messes up. If anything, Aaron considers himself as somewhat of a perfectionist. But getting his head straight has seemed almost impossible of late, and although deep down he knows the reason, he tries his best to deny it.

 

He lets out a sigh of relief when he enters the cabin, noticing the lack of people inside. It’s almost like a weight off his shoulders that he won't have to humour anyone right now, while the dread of the day is still heavy on his shoulders.

 

He toes off his boots at the end of his bunk, slipping his arms out of the thick camouflage jacket. He’s all but ready to collapse into bed when it catches his eye.

 

The crisp white envelope laid out on his pillow, even from the distance Aaron recognizes the delicate writing. His heart begins to speed up as a sudden ecstasy comes over him, a smile pulling at his lips.

 

He grabs it quickly, his body sinking onto his mattress as he does so. The envelope alone makes him feel warm and settled as the worries of his day seem to evaporate into the air.

 

He can’t deny how happy it makes him, receiving the letter just when he needs it the most. Almost as if Robert is there with him, reassuring him it will all be ok.

 

He lets out a nervous breathe, his fingers delicately prying open the envelope, careful not to rip anything inside

 

He then settles back on his pillow, sinks into the mattress as he sighs in contentment and begins to read.

 

_Aaron_

_I’m so glad you received my letter, I was worried for a second there that you were only joking about writing to each other. I hope this letter gets to you soon. I have not yet taken over the world, it’s more the other way round. You taking over mine. I’d be lying  if  I said I didn’t wait around like a sad loser for your letter, it’s a surprise I’ve gotten any work done at all!  My car broke down last week, and the company that came to my rescue? Dingle Automotives! Any relation? It made me think of you, as if you’re everywhere around me and nowhere to be seen all at the same time. There’s nothing I’d love more than for you to fly over here and let me take you for a pint, maybe one day soon? We’d go to my local, sit by the log fire and drink an ice cold beer, sounds perfect to me. I keep wondering what it would be like if we met under different circumstance. Right person, wrong time and all that stuff?  I never really believed in all that stuff until I met you, I always believed if you’d met the right person, it wouldn’t matter about the timing, you’d just make it work  I guess? How naive must I be to think it’s all that simple. I keep thinking back to that night and all the things we talked about, it was all so... easy? I’d never felt that with anyone before._

_I like what you said about us always having the moon. It’s afternoon here, but it’s faint in the sky, waiting for the night to take over and the sun to set. I wonder what the moon looks like to you? Anyway, enough of my sappiness. My little sister keeps calling me smitten, I have no idea what gives her that idea! She’s cooking homemade lasagna tonight and insists I join for the dreaded weekly family meal she likes to do to try keep the peace._

_Enjoy your warm Budweiser, have one for me. Hoping to hear from you soon._

_Stay Safe_

_Robert_

Aarons fingers come up to his lips, feeling the smile that is now plastered across them.  There's a warmness inside him as he reads Robert’s letter, a few occasional laughs escaping his mouth unwillingly and a few twangs of sadness in his heart as he pines for what could be. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions that leaves him feeling exhausted once he’s finished reading, dwelling on dreams of him and Robert together once again.

 

“You look happy.”

 

Aaron’s brought out of his daydream by Adams cheerful voice as he enters the cabin, toeing off his shoes in the same manner as Aaron did earlier. “I thought you’d be sulking after the earful you got today.”

 

“Yeah, I am.” Aaron simply replies.

 

Happiness. A foreign concept to Aaron Dingle, but nonetheless true. He does feel happy.

 

Happy, hopeful, excited.

 

Having the letters from Robert feels like a purpose, something to look forward too. Like he has a home somewhere to dream about when the moon is high and his eyes are heavy.

 

It’s almost as if Aaron’s heart is made of paper, only ever allowing pencil marks he can easily erase, except with these letters, Robert is inking himself in.

 

 

 

**Gibraltar, May 2012**

Weekly letters from Robert quickly became Aaron’s sanity. He sends his replies out almost immediately, and he receives ones back just as quickly. It’s as though the only thing that matters to the two of them is getting their letter in the post that week.

 

The letters from Robert almost make everything that little bit simpler in his life. The knowledge that one day soon, he’ll be able to hear all about Robert’s week keeps him steady, and makes his days run smoother, and his night’s sleep deeper. And although everything around him is moving at a normal pace, Aaron feels as though he’s looking down on everyone from his little home up in the clouds.

 

“Nice work out there today Dingle, you did us proud.” He receives a slap of validation on his shoulder from his Sergeant.

 

_You can do anything you want to. Out there, defending our country, it’s truly amazing. Just please be careful..._

Robert’s words play over in his head. Reminding him there's no room for mistakes in his line of work. It makes him that little bit more confident as he goes from day to day. Makes him believe a little more in himself.

 

 

He heads for his training session in the gym, even though he’s exhausted from the day he’s had.

 

_Serg is making us train extra hard this week, two hours a day at the gym, I’m exhausted._

He recalls writing to Robert after one of his workouts, complaining about his lack of energy.

 

_It will build character and muscles. I mean I like the former, but I definitely want to touch the latter!_

Robert’s words make him laugh late into the night as he sits in his dimly lit bunk. He can almost picture Robert’s flirtatious smile as he writes the words, hearing his voice close to his ears. He wishes it was real.

 

It makes Aaron want to do better. Be better. All of Robert’s little words of encouragement permanently with him.

 

He’s not quite sure what it is they’ve got going on, or what to call it. Long distance friends? Pen Pals? He tries not to over-think it, but sometimes it’s not that simple.

 

When he’s in the showers alone late at night, the hot water relaxing his tense muscles. He bows his head, and let’s the liquid hit his neck before carressing down his body and loosening him up.

 

_I only wonder what it’d be like if you were here with me now, your head on my chest, my hand in your hair. Wouldn't it be amazing? Don’t you wish it could be that simple?_

It’s one of his favourite letters from Robert, the one he re-reads the most when he’s feeling a little lost, a little cold and lonely.

 

He runs the towel over his head, his soft hair curling as it dries. He lets the elastic of his boxers snap against his hips before climbing into bed.

 

The window above his bunk holds the perfect view. The bright silver moon illuminating his face, hung high in the sky. It feels bigger, closer tonight, and it makes Aaron feel like he’s on the horizon of something great.

_At least we’ve always got the moon._

He smiles at his own words, before his eyes flutter with the temptation of sleep, his body bathed in moonlight as he lets exhaustion of the day take over.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s woken by a hand on his shoulder, and a shake to his body. It alerts him, has him jolting upright with strained eyes and heavy eyelids.

 

“Serg wants to see us mate.”

 

It’s Adam, mirroring Aaron’s same exhausted expression. There’s no light feeding into the cabin as the other lads make their way from their bunks and out the doors, which confirms Aaron’s suspicions of the early morning meeting.

 

He lets out a groan, strains a kink out of his neck as he fights back a yawn, quickly throwing on some clothes and following the rest of the lads out the cabin.

 

 

He drags his feet over the yard where he can see the rest of his squad in the distance, his sergeant standing over them in an authoritative manner.

 

“Right, now that we're all here.” Aaron looks around to the other lads with knitted eyebrows as his Sergeants voice booms over them.

 

“We’ve been given our new orders.”

 

“What’s he on about?” Aaron whispers towards Adam, nudging his side with his elbow to get his attention.

 

“Not a clue.” Adam shrugs back in the same hushed tone.

 

“Our work here’s done. We’re needed out in Africa. They need humanitarian assistance to help improve their security and overcome threats. Our squad has been chosen.”

 

There's a chorus of whispers and gasps throughout the team. Aaron looks towards Adam, who’s got a smile on his face. “Finally some fucking sun.” He cheers and Aarons rolling his eyes. There’s nothing worse than being in full gear in the burning heat, somehow Adam has forgot that small detail.

 

“That's not all!”

 

The chorus silences as all eyes divert back to Sergeant Collins.

 

“We move out on Monday, 9:00 AM sharp. You know what that means lads.”

 

The whispers start up again, and excitement fills the air as they begin throwing around assumptions, already making plans mentally.

 

“You get the weekend off. Do as your please, as long as you’re here by 09:00 hours Monday.”  Sergeant Collins finishes with a smile tugging at his lips from the cheer that erupts throughout the crowd of men.

 

Aaron feels hands on his shoulders, shaking him out of his thoughts. It’s Adam, cheering in excitement, a beaming grin spread across his face making his eyes sparkle.

 

Aaron’s smile becomes identical as he stands, giddy inside. Every fiber in him vibrates with adrenaline and anticipation. He feels electric, buzzing and tingling as his plan forms in his head. He walks away from the group conversing around him, heads for Sergeant Collins who is gathering his stuff together, ready for a relaxing weekend.

 

“Dingle?” There's an eyebrow raised in Aaron’s direction and he suddenly feels nervous under the gaze of the older man, palms beginning to clam.

 

“Uh. C-could I- Is it possible to use the office phone, please Serg?”

 

“You know where it is.” Sergeant Collins smiles, a nod of the head towards Aaron who’s already hurrying off to his bunk to grab the scrunched up paper he knows is in his cabinet.

 

 

:::

 

It takes him a few moments of standing silently and staring at the landline in front of him before he gets the courage to pick it up. The receiver almost slips through his grip, his palms wet as he lets out a shaky breath.

 

Aaron’s body buzzes with excitement, at the same time also trembling with nerves. He has to lean against the office desk and give himself a mental pep talk before he goes any further.

 

The number has practically been memorised from the amount of time he's spent staring at it. He feels ridiculous, annoyance mixing in with all his other emotions. It forces him to pick up the phone and dial the number without even glancing at the piece of paper before he changes his mind.

 

There’s a brief moment of silence before the dial tone fills Aarons ear and he feels his heart in his throat. He swallows it down hard. His knee begins to bounce up and down as he listens to the ringing which feels as if it’s getting increasingly louder as the second pass until…

 

“Robert Sugden.”

 

His voice is soft and angelic, exactly how Aaron remembers; exactly how Aaron hears as he’s drifting to sleep at night. It instantly relaxes him, settling his bouncing knee. But his heart still pounds in its cage.

 

“Hello?”

 

It’s then that Aaron realises his mouth has moved, but his tongue hasn’t broke it’s seal, leaving an eerie  silence.

 

“Hey.” It comes out in a cough and is almost inaudible. “Sorry. Hey. It’s erm-”

 

“Aaron?” Roberts voice sounds full of surprise and Aaron can’t help but bite down the smile that is spreading up the curve of his mouth.

 

“Yeah. Hey. You alright?” It’s so casual it almost pains Aaron. All he wants to do is get to the point as quickly as possible.

 

“You're phoning me?” Robert’s voice is mixed with shock and excitement and he sounds almost lost for words, before it turns more serious. “Is everything ok? Are you ok?”

 

“I’m fine, better than fine actually.” Aaron sighs contently into the phone, closing his eyes and picturing Robert here in front of him.

 

“Oh, good! It’s good to hear your voice.”

 

Aaron hums in agreement, smiling to himself at the sound in his ears. “I have the weekend off.”

 

He practically blurts it out, shocks himself at how eager he is.

 

“Right.” Robert replies cautiously.

 

“I was thinking, Leeds is nice this time of year…” Aaron laughs a little at his sad attempt of a joke, but it has Robert doing the same.

 

“Really?” Robert exhales, his breathe light and refreshing down the phone.

 

“If you’re not busy?” Aaron asks, a touch of doubt in his voice.

 

“For you? I’ll make time.”

 

:::

 

The conversation ends with the plan for Aaron to meet Robert at his apartment, and he hurriedly heads back to the cabin for the quickest packing of his life.

 

“Right boys, we on for tonight?” Ross, one of Aaron's teammates calls around the room,  his voice almost as big as his ego, which makes Aaron roll his eyes aggressively.

 

“No chance mate, I’m off to see the missus.” Adam laughs, even with someones as irritating as Ross Barton, he still finds a way of being friendly.

 

“You’re whipped mate,” Ross snubs  as he makes his way over to Aaron, who’s pulling out his rucksack from under the cabin. “You’re up for it, aren’t you Dingle?”

 

He slaps a hand on Aaron's back which has him frowning.

 

“No, I’ve got a plane to catch.” Aaron replies, monotony in his voice.

 

“You’re kidding right, by the time you get anywhere you’ll have less than 40 hours there.” Ross argues, but Aaron couldn't care less.

 

“It’s 40 more than I had this morning.” He smirks towards Ross, throwing his rucksack over his shoulder and heading for the airport.

 

 

**Leeds, June 2012**

Aaron’s three hour flight feels more like 30 when his impatience kicks in.

 

He practically runs off the airplane once it lands, glad to bypass the baggage claim and any other time consuming nonsense.

 

The adrenaline coursing through him makes him move fast, jogging out the building and hailing a taxi in seconds. It makes his heart pound and knees shake as he sits restless in the backseat. It’s why he throws a bundle of notes at the cab driver, already out the door and careless about the change.

 

Nothing really sinks in, nothing really feels real, until he stops, frozen outside the door that holds the numbers he’s been looking for.

 

It’s only when he raises a fist to the door that he realises how sweaty his palms have become. His hand is shaky and hesitant, making Aaron doubt for a second if he’s doing the right thing.

 

 He’s conflicted. He pines to see Robert, but he’s worried it could all be a mistake. The battle inside him stops him from colliding his knuckles against the hardwood door. 

 

Aaron exhales deeply, a signal he’s ready to take the leap. He brings his fisted hand closer to the door in a bid to knock when…

 

It swings open, fast and eager and stuns Aaron.

 

He drops his fist, focuses his eyes on the person in front of him.

 

Robert.

 

“I heard a car,” Robert exhales. His breath is released shakily, a sign his nerves are as high as Aaron’s.

 

“Hi,” Aaron replies, it comes out as more of a sigh of relief as he finally takes in the man in front of him.

 

 

He looks the same but different all at once. His blond hair is a little shorter than last time, quiffed up at the front. But the piercing blue-grey eyes are still the same, bright and inviting with a hint of green when the light hits them a certain way. His smile is halved, Aaron hopes it dues to the nerves, but his body language is open and enticing to Aaron.

 

“Hi.” Robert repeats as his smile grows bigger and his eyes wider. He gives Aaron a once over, taking him in as well.

 

Aaron knows his beard is slightly more trimmed than last time, his hair longer and lacking gel. His cheeks tinged red and flushed from the frantic journey here, Robert smiles at him, soft and genuine and it makes Aaron feel like he’s known it forever.

 

Aaron sways on his feet, unsure where to put his eyes, or his hands, or what to do next.

 

Robert does the same, looking out of place in his own home for a second.

 

Aarons eyes stop searching his surroundings, landing on Roberts face again, focusing directly on his lips, before flickering back up to his eyes. They look delicious and it makes Aaron take his own bottom lip between his teeth. He’s sure Robert notices this as his eyes turn darker and ill with want.

 

It’s only seconds but it feel like hours before Robert’s making the decision for them both and pulling Aaron in by his elbow to close the small gap between him.

 

He ducks his head, catching Aarons top lip with his in a chaste kiss. Aaron lets him, feeling the softness of Robert’s lips once more. But it's over before it starts, as though the waters are being tested.

 

Robert’s lips linger on Aarons without movement, prompting him to make the next move. Their foreheads are touching, noses grazing cheeks as Aaron breathes it in, remembers what it feels like to be this close to him once more, to have his aroma around him.

 

It’s a few more seconds before Aaron’s pushing his lips forwards as Robert’s hand grips hard at his waist. Aaron’s rucksack falls to the floor, forgotten about as one hand finds Roberts shoulder while the other one  makes its home at the nape of his neck, pulling at the short hairs there.

 

 

Aaron revels in the feeling, a slight moan escapes his lips as he pushes his body forward and Robert walks them back into his apartment, their heavy panting filling the empty room.

 

“Aaron-”

 

Robert starts, not really needing to say anything, just wanting to remember what his name felt like on his lips, but Aaron cuts him off with another kiss once his lungs are filled. He pushes his hips against Robert’s, wanting to feel all of him. He curses himself for not having more hands as he fingertips roam around Robert’s body, putting on a show.

 

The back of Robert’s knees hit the arm of his sofa as he pushes Aarons hoodie off his shoulders and moves his lips down to his jaw.

 

Aaron quickly makes work on the buttons of Robert’s shirt, clumsy fingers attempting to rid of it. His head is spinning, high on lust and need as he lets Robert nip at his collar bone, eliciting a strangled moan from Aarons throat.

 

“God, I’ve missed this.” Robert sighs contently into the crook of Aarons neck, kisses feeling like soft cotton against his skin. He’s never had this overwhelming need for someone before, the way he does with Robert.

 

“Mmmhmm.” Aaron hums in agreement as his fumbling fingers finally undo Roberts belt and he slips a hand inside his jeans, bypassing the buttons. It makes Robert groan in delight as he rocks his hips forward to meet Aarons cupped hand.

 

Robert’s lips come back up to Aaron’s, his hand slips down his back and past the waistband of his sweats, settling on Aarons bare ass cheeks. The sensation is cold at first, but not unwelcome. It has Aaron slipping his hand deeper inside, gripping Roberts hardened shaft inside his briefs.

 

It’s surreal, everything he has dreamed about for the past few weeks happening right now before his eyes. It’s almost like his hands have a mind of their own. His free hand pushes Robert’s shirt off his shoulders, his other softly tugging at the thickness of Robert in his hands.

 

He lets Robert roll them so the backs of Aaron’s leg are now against Robert’s sofa. Robert pushes his body forward as he removes his hands from Aaron’s sweats and guides them to a lying position on his sofa.

 

Aaron lets him take control, helpless under his touch when he pulls his sweatpants and boxers down in a swift movement, discarding of them quickly and diverting his eyes back to Aaron.

 

He licks his lip as he takes him in, lying flat out on the sofa; his sofa. Bare from the waist down, his black t-shirt staining from where his hard cock has begun to leak onto it. Robert doesn't try to remove it this time, knows Aaron will let him know when he’s ready.

 

He grins as he shuffles out of his own jeans and lowers his body on top of Aaron's. Aaron watches, his eyes almost black with his need. His hands instantly come to Roberts waist, pulling him closer as Robert's chest collides with his and they fall back into a steady rhythm of lips moving and hips grinding.

 

Aaron wants to cherish every moment, watch Robert’s every move. His eye stay lingering on him when they part and he shuffles his body so he’s sat on his heels in between Aaron’s legs, dangerously close to exactly where Aaron wants him to be.

 

Robert smirks — of course he does — before he dips his head, hovering just above Aaron’s knee. He wets his lips as Aaron watches on through his lashes, hairs standing to attention from the softest of touches.

 

Robert places the first kiss, gentle and light, holding back his desire. He presses another and another, moving higher up the length of Aaron’s thigh as he does so.

 

He’s so close now that when he pulls back from the kiss Aaron can feel his hot breath tickle at his balls and his cock pulses right before Robert’s eyes.

 

“Rob-” Aaron almost cries out, his breath caught in his throat as he swallows down hard at the sight of Robert between his legs.

 

It’s as though his name releasing from Aarons lips in such a way pushes him over the edge and Robert can’t take much more, can’t resist his own temptation for much longer.

 

He’s desperate. Desperate to taste Aaron, to feel him, to be part of him.

 

He ducks his head, Lets his tongue lay flat against Aaron’s taint, hearing Aaron’s breath get heavier as he does so. He slowly drags it upwards, slowly over his balls and up his shaft.

 

His eyes connects with Aaron’s once he’s at the head, and he smirks as he takes it softly between his lips and releases with a pop.

 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” Aaron attempts to scowl but it comes out as a whimper. Robert’s eyes gleam and his grin becoming wider.

 

“You have no idea.” Robert says before he dips lower and swallows Aaron whole, causing a chorus of curse words to erupt from Aaron’s mouth as he grabs a fists full of sofa with one hand, and Robert’s hair with another. Robert’s fingers make Aaron’s back arch as he thrusts into Robert’s mouth. 

 

It’s not long before Aaron’s pleading, no, begging Robert to give him what he so desperately needs, intoxicated by everything that is Robert Sugden

 

Robert agrees, not wanting to deny himself anymore as he grabs what he needs and positions himself.

 

It’s as though its in slow motion and passing before their eyes all at one. It’s passionate and intense but Aaron still begs for more. His legs over Robert’s shoulders, their lips exploring each others bodies.

 

They’re two people but one body. Sharing the same feelings, the same wants, and the same desires long after they’re done calling each other's names and trembling from their respective climaxes.

 

Sweat lingers on their bodies as they stay tangled up, hearts racing and breathing faltering. It’s more than either of them have ever felt before,  a connection they can’t quite explain or put into words.

 

So they don't try. Instead, they speak with kisses, and light touches of fingers tracing down forearms, and nails scratching at scalps, while eyes are heavy and smiles are soft.

 

 

 

 

Aaron’s not sure how long they’ve been sprawled out on the sofa,  enjoying each other's presence. He doesn’t quite care either,  happy to let the world pass by around them if it means he can spend his days with Robert.

 

“We should probably make a move.” Robert sighs, unwillingly wanting to follow through with his  suggestion. His hand stops its roaming of Aaron’s curls as he positions himself into a seated position.

 

“Yeah.” Aaron mirrors Robert’s reluctant sigh as he makes the effort to move into a sitting position himself. He pushes his weight up with his elbow, feeling a shooting pain between his neck and shoulder, it has him wincing loudly.

 

“You alright?” Robert asks, concern lacing his features as he grabs hold of Aaron's arm and helps him sit up.

 

“Yeah. I just pulled something the other day.” Aaron explains, rolling his shoulder in hopes to get rid of the pain.

 

“Let me see.” Robert asks and Aaron does as he’s told, shuffling so his back is towards Robert.

 

He feels the rough fingertips come into contact with his shirt-covered back. Large hands suddenly working on loosening up his shoulder. He freezes, the feeling of hot breath hitting the back of his ear making his own breathing falter slightly. He tries to compose himself.

 

“Better?” Robert whispers into his ear, nose grazing against it lazily. All Aaron can do is swallow and nod in agreement.

 

“Good.” Robert replies, place a wet kiss on the side of Aaron’s neck before releasing his grip on his shoulders. Aaron frowns at the loss of contact and the strain in his underwear.

 

“Come on, we need to shower.” Robert announces as he jumps from the sofa, a spring in his step.

 

“Shower?” Aarons asks with a eyebrow raise, confusion in his voice.

 

“Yep,” Robert beams, smile wide and excited. His eyes sparkle as he speaks, “I’m taking you out.”

 

Aaron let’s Robert’s infectious excitement take over him, he smiles widens and he opens his mouth to ask more questions but he’s cut off by Robert, standing in just his boxers, hands on hips with his eyebrows high.

 

“No questions!” He declares before making his way towards the bathroom. He calls over his shoulder, “So, Are you joining me?”

 

Aaron doesn’t need asking twice.

 

:::

 

 

They’re sat in a small little family-run pub not far from Robert’s apartment, but still pretty central for it to be packed full on the early Saturday evening. They’ve managed to bag themselves a cosy little table for two close to a fireplace. Although it’s not lit, it’s still perfect.

 

 

It’s the place Robert had told Aaron about. The place they’d spoke about in their letters. The place Aaron has been dreaming of visiting. It lives up to the high expectations he’s been holding it to. The decor is old and worn, giving it that ever so homely feeling, with its mismatched armchairs and its bright curtains, all warm and inviting. He smiles at his surroundings, the main one being Robert’s with his porcelain grin and blonde features making him glow.

 

Aaron sinks into the worn cushions of his seat as he smiles to himself. His stomach is full as he sips tenderly on his pint. It’s the best meal he’s had in the longest time, their plates sitting discarded in the middle of the table. His heart feels whole as he watches Robert catch his eye from across the table and smile shyly at him.

 

“Did you have much planned this weekend?” Aaron asks curiously as he places his pint back on the table and relaxes back into his seat.

 

“Nothing that wouldn’t keep.” Robert smiles knowingly and Aaron sees a glint in his eye that tells him it’s possibly a little white lie.

 

 

Aaron smiles back, finds it hard not too. Something about the way Robert presents himself has Aaron biting at the corner of his lip to stop the grin spreading. Whether its his genuineness or his flirtation, Aaron doesn’t know whether to kiss him or shove him most of the time, but he knows he wouldn't have it any other way.

 

“Another?” Robert asks waving his empty pint glass in front of Aaron and getting to his feet.

 

Aaron nods in agreement, enjoying the view as he walks towards the bar.

 

 

 

Empty pint glasses litter their table as they delve further into the night. The pub atmosphere is electric as the music gradually gets louder and people surround them, bumping into their table and dancing around their chairs, but they dont mind.  They’re in their own little world, chatting away about childhood memories and dreams for the future. It’s perfect in every way possible,  and Aaron can’t find the words to describe it. He doesn’t even try to put a name to what he’s feeling, as it all feels a bit scary.

 

Somewhere throughout the night, the desperation of wanting to be closer takes over and Robert shuffles his chair around the table, next to Aaron. He’s so close now that Aaron can see the finer details of his face; the laugh lines by his eyes, the length of his dark lashes as he blinks slowly, the wetness of his lip as he sips another pint.

 

Robert’s leaning on the arm of the chair, practically on top of Aaron as he smiles and nods in agreement at Aaron’s story, his eyes never falling from his lips as he watches the wetness dry out and Aaron carries on speaking. But he’s suddenly distracted.

 

_He wants to kiss him. God, he wants to kiss him._

 

Aaron’s voice starts to trail off, noticing Robert isn’t paying much attention to anything other than his lips.

 

They stop moving. Robert lets his eyes trail up and meet Aaron’s for a moment. There’s a current pulling them closer as their eyes lock, dark and wanting as they bore into each other and Aaron finds himself leaning forward at the same time Robert cocks his head to the side and their lips meet.

 

It’s soft, slow, and tender — unlike the kisses from this morning.

 

Robert’s hand drops from the arm of the chair, falling onto Aarons thigh and soothingly rubbing up and down as their kiss deepens and Aaron’s heart feels like its about to break through his chest and land in Robert’s lap.

 

Nothing and nobody else seems to matter, and as Robert’s hand inches dangerously close to Aaron's crotch, it’s almost as if they speak without words, agreeing that now is the time to leave.

 

They’re like giggling teenagers, running out the pub hand in hand with eagerness to get home. The want for each other over takes though, once the fresh air hits them and Aarons feels dizzy. He pulls Robert by the hand, their bodies crashing together the same times as their lips and they fall against a wall not far from the pub, mouths never disconnecting once.

 

It’s almost like they’re in their own little bubble and nobody else can get in until…

 

… they hear a scoff coming from beside them.

 

It’s loud and filled with disgust and the sound of it makes Aaron pull his lips away quickly out of habit, his heart sinks a little. Robert’s eyes are big in confusion.

 

When he looks up, Aaron’s eyes fall on a group of men, stumbling away and diverting their gaze from where it was once on Aaron and Robert.

 

He feels his jaw clench and not even the feel of Robert’s breath against his lips and the soothing hand on his back can't relax him.

 

“Faggots.”

 

One of them mutters under his breath as they turn to walk away, but the stomping noise of Aaron’s footstep as he marches over to makes them look back.

 

“Aaron?” Robert questions, voice small and filled with confusion as he looks on, towards a raging Aaron.

 

His hands have made fists and his breathing is steady through his flared nostrils. He steps closer, ignoring Roberts call and squaring up to the group of men.

 

“What was that?” He asks, voice steady and challenging. His shoulders are broad as he stands straight, not backing down.

 

“Listen mate-”

 

Aaron doesn't let him finish, before he’s seeing red and then black and his knuckles are stinging but he doesn't care. He throws another punch, although he’s not even sure what he’s hitting when he feels an arm on his shoulder and he’s elbowing upwards towards a face.

 

He feels himself being pulled and his name being shouted but he still throws punches, his pulse loud in his ears and his breath shaking.

 

He’s not sure what it is that knocks him out of it, his feet are moving but he has no sense of his surroundings until he’s collapsing onto a hard wall and trying to regain a steady breathing method.

 

“Aaron?”

 

The voice calms him, and he looks up startled, everything suddenly comes back in to focus, the noises of shouting and guns fade out in his ears and are replaced with cars passing and the the light wind and Robert.

 

He’s stood in front of him, a worried look on his face, lips tugged down into a frown. His hands are out in front of him, like he wants to touch Aaron but is not sure if he should.

 

His jacket is creased, pulled off his shoulders and there's a red mark on his face that suddenly makes Aaron panic.

 

“Did I?” Aaron’s voice trembles as he steps closer to Robert — thankful when he doesn’t move —  his hand comes up to cup at his cheek, a thumb stroking softly over the fading red mark.

 

“No, No, I got dragged off by one of them, you didn’t - Aaron-”  Robert doesn’t finish, he just tries to catch Aaron’s eyes once more, hoping for the answer to his questions, but Aaron doesn't look at him.

 

He turns his focus to his knuckles, red, and grazed, and sure to be bruised by the morning. They sting when he presses a thumb to them, his eyes glossy and mouth frowning.

 

He hates himself for losing it like that, especially in front of Robert. He feels ashamed, embarrassed that he let it get to him.

 

He doesnt look up to meet Robert’s eyes. He’s waiting, waiting for him to run, waiting for him to call him a psycho, waiting for him to make up an excuse and head for the hills.

 

“Hey,” Aaron feels fingers hook under his chin, a voice soft and comforting than makes him feel safe. Aaron lets his face be lifted by the strong hand, eyes finally meeting Robert’s. But they're not filled with horror like he had assumed. They're sad but worried and filled with questions that Aaron’s not sure he can answer.  “Let’s go home?”

 

_Home._

 

The word alone makes Aaron’s heart melt and causes an eruption of something in his stomach. His eyes widen in shock and he can’t quite find the words to reply. He just nods, agreeing in silence as he lets Robert throw his arm around his shoulder and guide him back to his apartment. .

 

 

 

:::

 

 

The walk home is quick and silent. The tension in the air thick as it fills with unanswered questions. But Robert’s grip on Aaron’s shoulder doesn't loosen, his smile is supportive and calm when Aaron dares to look at his face.

 

He falls onto Robert’s couch, his eyes still taking in his knuckles that have now swelled and begun to bruise. He hears the other man knocking around in the kitchen but before he knows it, a steaming mug is being place in front of him and Robert’s crouching on the coffee table next to it.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

His voice is gentle and it pulls at Aaron’s heartstrings. He suddenly feels guilty for ruining their night.

 

He shrugs silently, eyes now on the steam coming from the mug that he has no intention of drinking from.

 

Robert silently waits for him to start talking, his hands clasps in his lap and his eyes firmly on Aaron.

 

“I just…” Aaron lets out a shaky breath, repostions himself under Robert’s gaze. “Lose it sometimes. I get in my head, and before I know it I’ve left a path of destruction.”

 

He sighs and finally chances a glance at Robert whose eyes are not judgmental, or filled with disgust. It makes him feel more at ease, and able to carry on.

 

“Those guys, when they said what they did, I- I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't leave it-”

 

“You had every right to stick up for yourself, for us,” Robert interrupts when he notices Aaron’s self-hatred pouring out of him.

 

“I should’ve been the bigger man though. I should’ve walked away,” he spits back, but there's no venom directed towards Robert, more to himself. “But before I knew it, I was hearing explosions and feeling crowded and it was like my body was working on auto pilot and- And-”

 

“Hey,” Robert soothes, shuffling close on the table and placing a hand on Aaron’s thigh to calm him. “I get it, ok? I get it.”

 

He ducks his head to make sure Aaron can see the honesty in his eyes.

 

“You’re the bravest person I know, Aaron. So you have a few things to deal with up here. Don’t we all?” He continues, pointing towards his head. “Don’t ever apologize for who you are. Those assholes could never dream of being the fraction of the man you are. You hear me?”

 

Robert smiles as he squeezes Aaron’s knee just to reassure him that little bit more.

 

Aaron stays silent, doesn’t quite know what words to form as his eyes begin to rim with tears. It isn’t exactly the night he had planned to spend with Robert. As though Robert senses Aaron’s guilt, he moves onto the sofa next to Aaron, sitting close so their knees touch. Aaron locks eyes with him when he does.

 

“I’m sorry for ruining our night.” Aaron says shyly.

 

“You didn’t.” Robert confirms, a small smile beginning to tug at his lips as he looks into Aarons blue eyes, shining with unshed tears. “Aaron, you’re amazing, you know that?”

 

Robert breathes out, shaky and nervous from his confession.

 

Aaron’s heart swells, he stares back into Robert’s eyes, as they sparkle with something Aaron can’t quite put his finger on — or maybe is scared too.

 

He can’t help but smile, feeling stupid for the emotions he’s shown tonight, ruining his ‘tough guy’ image.  Robert’s smile widens, pearly white teeth and crinkled eyes and Aaron is helpless, intoxicated by everything that is Robert Sugden, from the smell of his cologne to the large hand on his shoulder and the way his freckles make out a pattern on his face that has been sketched into Aaron’s mind for weeks.

 

Robert moves his hand from Aaron’s shoulder and softly cups his jaw, his thumb swiping away a stray tear Aaron had let fall. He leans in, catching Robert’s lips with his own chapped and dry ones and kisses him passionately. It tastes of salty tears and words he can’t say.

 

Robert deepens the kiss. Both hands cupping at Aarons jaw, reeling in the feeling of stubble under his fingertips. They stay like that for a few moments, wanting to savour every last taste and feel of lips against lips until Robert’s parting them.

 

Aaron furrows his brow for a second until his fingers are being intertwined with Roberts and he’s being pulled from the sofa and led towards Robert’s bedroom. Robert makes sure to tell Aaron he will be damned if they don’t experience his soft cotton bed sheets at least once this weekend. He pulls at Aaron’s hand.

 

Their lips connect once more as they fall atop Robert’s bed, shuffling into a comfortable position without ever losing contact. They somehow end up with Aaron on his back, Robert straddling his thighs as their chests heave against each other, rising and falling in sync.

 

Robert’s immersed in everything that is the man below him. he feels as though he awakened something inside of him, some sort of passion-like feeling he’s never felt before.

 

Their kisses become deep, frantic and breathless. Aaron arches his back to be closer as Robert’s hands press into Aarons hip bones under where this t-shirt as risen slightly.

 

It’s when Aaron’s hands are shoving at the shoulders of Robert’s dress shirt, fingers grazing skin that Robert’s actions become careless. His hands tug at Aarons shirt and he kisses down hard on the other man's lips, never wanting to part.

 

Aarons hands connect with bare skin, he pushes Robert forcefully away in a panic once the realization register with him, he instantly feels the loss of Robert’s lips. Robert’s face floods with confusions, Aaron’s body tenses underneath him and the air feels cold and that's when Robert’s face falls, he remembers.

 

Aaron’s eyes dart away from Robert’s, his face softens from rage to embarrassment, cheeks feeling hot. When Aaron looks back up, He notices Robert eyes soften and fill with worry from his actions.

 

“Shit, Sorry… I… I forgot.”  Robert panics. His hands flop to the side, as though he’s not quite sure where to put them.

 

Aaron connects their eyes again, he looks worried and thoughtful, like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and Roberts arm twitches a little, Aaron wonders if he’s scared to touch him now.

 

“No…. It’s ok.” Aaron nods, almost hesitantly as he keeps his eye on Robert. He shuffles up under Robert’s weight into a slight sitting position, but still flat under Robert’s hips. He grabs at his tee, toying with the cotton.

 

“Aaron, you don’t- “ Robert begins, it makes Aaron sure he wants to do this.

 

“I want to.” Aaron confirms, a small smile tugging on his face. Even though he’s sure, he’s still grateful that once again it’s only the moonlight illuminating the room for them.

 

Robert nods, his way of telling Aaron he understands. His eyes are on Aaron as he quickly pulls the t-shirt over his head and discards it across the room.

 

Aaron’s eyes dart to his own chest and stomach, tracing his hand across a scatter of scars as if to cover them. Robert’s eyes fall to the area, Aaron notices the shock Robert tries to repress, but his eyes are shining and glossed over.

 

Robert’s eyes trace over them for just a second, Aaron feels more vulnerable than ever, but Robert’s does not stare too long and Aarons grateful for that. They’re red, deep — some even a blackish colour — and raised, littered down his left side from his chest to his stomach.

 

Robert removes his eyes from lingerging too long, back up towards Aaron who is now swallowing hard in front of Robert, hands stil over his chest.

 

 

Aaron lets his hand be linked in Roberts and, pulled away from where he attempts to hide his scaring. Robert dips his head as he does so, eyes never leaving Aarons shining, crystal blue ones and kisses him hard.

 

Robert kisses deeper in attempts to show Aaron exactly what he’s thinking, but just to be sure, he parts and let his lips brush against Aarons as he tells him.

 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispers into the night air, low and husky. He seals it with another kiss that Aaron smiles into. “So beautiful.”

 

He’s not sure how to label this feeling, but he knows he doesn't want it to end.

 

They kiss and discard more clothing quickly. Robert kisses down the length of Aaron's body, cherishing every bit of exposure. Robert eyes are on Aarons constantly, letting him set the speed, to which Aaron is grateful for.

 

Aaron nods constantly, letting Robert know that every touch, every kiss, every whisper of encouragement is ok — more than ok. It’s a high Aaron’s never experienced, so carefree and _himself_ in a way he’s never been with anyone before. It’s consuming and inconvenient but it’s the best thing he’s ever felt, as if they’re floating on clouds and the moon is their only audience.

 

They take their time, making every second, every touch, every breathless moan count and when Aarons toes curl, and his back arches into Robert’s chest, they become one. Clammy palms on sweaty skin, hair stuck to forehead and kisses tasting salty, there’s nowhere else he’d want to be in that moment.

 

There's more kisses on Aaron’s forehead as the emotional and physical exhaustion takes over him. The crook of Robert’s neck is the comfiest pillow he’s ever experience, his arms like Egyptian cotton around his body. Aaron lets his eyes drop down and his breathing steady as they bypass days.

 

Aarons breath bounces off Robert’s chest before it turns into heavy breathing in the air of the night.

 

He feels Robert shuffle, he checks the clock on the bedside table, its somewhere past 1am and the moon’s still high - he’s not sure what it is about those hours after midnight that make you much more honest and open, but tonight Aarons  thankful for them.

 

“I wish you didn’t have to leave.”  Robert whispers into Aarons curls with one last kiss, Aaron’s heavy breathing being mistaken for sleeping. He smile into Robert’s chest, Robert’s small snores a comfort to him, a lullaby in his ears.

 

:::

 

 

Aaron’s alarm is Robert’s singing and the smell of bacon. He  awakens feeling well rested and content, much more than he ever has in his bunk back at base. He sinks his face into the pillow next to him, inhaling the scent of everything that is Robert and smiles happily. It all feels too easy, and he’s waiting for the catch.

 

But he already knows what it is. He checks the clock, knowing there’s a flight with his name on it in a few hours.

 

“Oh, You’re awake?” Robert questions as he enters the bedroom, two mugs in hand and a plate in the other holding two toast sandwiches.

 

“Barely.” Aaron yawns and stretches out his body, making room for Robert on the bed.

 

The older man passes him the steaming mug of coffee and settles the plate down in between them on the bed. Aaron sips, pleasantly surprised how the coffee is exactly how he likes it, without Robert having to ask.

 

He smiles over at Robert as he grabs at the plate and takes a mouthful of his toast and bacon combination. It’s cooked to perfection, bacon not too crispy, toast not too burnt, it taste so good that Aaron can’t help but let a involuntary moan release from his lips as he swallows down a first bite.

 

There's a slight laugh from besides him and Aaron turns to find Robert, wide eyed and mouth slightly ajar in mid-bite of his own toast.

 

“What?” Aaron asks, a slight shrug to his question as he takes another large bite and smiles as he chews, eyes closed and jaw in perfect movement.

 

“The crumbs in the bed are worth it just for that reaction.” Robert chuckles before taking a small bite of his own sandwich, making sure to catch the crumbs with his plate. He’s not usually one for eating in bed, Aaron imagines, but it’s the only place he wants to be with him.

 

“It's good.” Aaron shrugs at his own statement, swallowing down his mouthful with a gulp of coffee.

 

Robert just smiles back, and the sight of him in the morning is too pleasing to Aaron’s eye. The sun shining through his window at the right angle that sort of gives Robert an angelic look as he sips from his mug. The white sheets hung low on his waist and his perfectly toned torso on show. Aaron swallows hard once he’s finished with his mug and places it to the side. He hears Robert exhale heavily next to him, almost in preparation for what he’s about to say.

 

“Last night…” He begins, perking Aarons attention and making him turn towards him, a soft but curious look on his face willing the other man to continue. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

Robert’s eyes flicker to Aaron’s chest as a way of explanation. Aaron instantly stiffens.

 

“You don't have to.” Robert panics, eyes wide with worry. It’s clear the last thing he wants to do is upset Aaron during their last few hours together.

 

“No it’s…” Aaron breathes a sigh of release, he turns his body towards Robert, giving his full attention to the other man who’s smiling at him reassuringly now. “It’s just hard to talk about.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me Aaron, I understand.”

 

“But I want to.” Aaron smiles back at Robert.

 

“It was a few years back-” He lets out a shaky breath before prompting himself to continue. “I’d not been in the forces long. I was on my first tour in Iraq. I was young. I felt invincible and maybe even a little excited? I was doing this great thing, honoring my country and helping save lives, I felt amazing.”

 

Aaron smiles at the memory, before his face turns firm again.

 

“We were doing a routine check of the streets, I was following my Sergeant's orders. We had our positions, spread out across the street, checking the cars and hiding places for civilians. It’s was a standard job, an easy day’s work  — until it wasn't.”

 

He pauses, swallows the lump in his throat hoping to ease his thumping heart, his shoulders become stiff as the memory that comes to mind haunts him. “I was having a laugh with a member of my team. That was the only noise I remember hearing, his laugh at some stupid joke I was telling, before- Before-”

 

He feels his eyes start to glisten with the unshed tears

 

Robert takes Aaron’s hand in his own and squeezes,It says more than any words could. Aaron lets a shaky smile form on his lips, Robert’s actions easing him into the story. It makes him feel secure, safe as Robert’s thumb gently brushes over the back of Aaron's hand and Robert waits patiently for him to continue. He closes his eyes, and lets the memory take over.

 

“There was an explosion. A roadside bomb. I can still hear the sound even now, sometimes. I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”

 

A tear falls from Aarons eye, Robert’s grip on his hand tightens, but he doesn’t speak, it’s not the time, and Aaron can’t help but be happy he’s still here, hearing him out - so he continues.

 

“My sergeant, he was the closest to the explosion. He didn’t stand a chance. David, the lad I was having a laugh with,  he blocked the explosion from me. Well, mostly,” His voice breaks at the memory of his friend. “We were hit with shrapnel. Lots of hit, Thousands of pieces flying at us. with such force and terrifying velocity, All we could do was let it. David got the most. his face, It - It was - his screams where loud, he was in pain and when I could look, I just remember, there was blood coming from his eye and all over his body before we were getting pulled by some other members of our team and getting help. I remember the pain, lots of tiny bits of metal from the bomb, and wood and rocks from the explosion… 

 

“David, he was out of action after that. I spent a few days in hospital, waiting for the pieces to come out and the injuries to heal. Although they never really do, you still have the pieces inside of you, you still have the scars, here,” Aaron points to his bare chest, “and here.”

 

He points to the head, the memories still fresh.

 

“I lost a friend that day, I could've lost my own life. Anything from that day is just extra time in the game you know? I’m lucky to only come out of it with my mutated body.”

 

He shrugs sadly as tear pulls at his eyes but he tries his best to hold them back. Robert brings his thumb up rub over his cheek and Aaron slowly opens his eyes and meets them with Robert’s soft, understanding ones. He nods towards him, letting him know it’s going to be ok.

 

 

“Listen to me, you’re not mutated.” Robert says firmly, his eyes boring into Aaron’s. “You’re beautiful. Inside _and_ out.”

 

His thumb caresses the line of Aaron's cheek bone.

 

“You’re the strongest person I know. It’s amazing what you’re doing out there. You’re amazing And I-” Robert stutters, his breath unsteady. He looks almost petrified as he stumbles over his words  “I just want you to remember that, ok?”

 

Aaron smiles back, placing a hand over where Robert’s is on his cheek.

 

“Thanks,” he whispers while rubbing his hand over Robert’s.

 

“Thank you,” he repeats more sure of himself, before leaning over to seal with a kiss.

 

“Thank _you_ for telling me.” Robert replies once their lips part.

 

Aaron smiles. Thankful that he did.

 

:::

 

 

There’s nothing more perfect than a day spent in bed. Cotton bed sheets are the only clothes you wear, the arms of another the only entertainment needed. Aaron and Robert agree to spend their last few hours together, held up in their own little hide away of pillows and light kisses, laughter and happiness, as they learn each other’s fears and goals and experience each other in more ways than writing in a letter ever could.

 

It makes the passing hours and approaching end all that much worse.

 

“I guess you have to get going soon.” Robert speaks after another one of their many breathless kissing sessions. His finger traces a pattern on Aaron’s forearm, or maybe a word. A four letter word that had been scratching at Aaron’s throat.

 

“Yeah.” Aaron sighs, turning to face Robert whose eyes are following his finger tracing.

 

“We can still write though, yeah?” Aaron asks hopefully. Robert looks up to meet his eye, they are wide and eagear, but then his face burrows in concentration. Robert leans forward, presses a light kiss at the tip of Aaron’s nose, making Aaron scrunch up in embarrassment.

 

“Of course, and maybe when you get back…” Robert trails off, the unfinished sentence speaking louder to Aaron. Aaron only hows that Robert can feel this, wants what he wants.

 

“A year,” Aaron nods. like he’s certifying what Robert just said and he smiles at him with such hope and want that Aaron never wants to let him go -Robert  has already teased about tying him to the headboard once or twice - for more than one reasons.

 

“A year,” Robert repeats, nodding his head a few times like he’s thinking it through. “And then, you come home?”

 

 

 

“And then I come home…” Aaron wants to say “ _to you_ ,” but he holds back, in fear of sounding too keen. He knows he’s deployed to Africa for a year, and then he has the choice to come home.

 

“A year,” Robert repeats, a smile on swollen lips, soft and thoughtful as if exploring all of the possibilities he could have in just a year

 

:::

 

 They don’t speak about it again until Aaron’s got his bag over his shoulder a little while later, and they’re swaying outside Robert’s front door like two awkward teenagers.

 

“Let me drive you to the airport,” Robert pleads, his hands running up and down Aarons biceps as he stands in his loungewear, hair flat on his head and high off their day together.

 

“No Rob. Honestly, it's easier to just do this here,” Aaron replies with a frown

 

“You’ll write yeah? Once you land in Africa, let me know how things are-” Robert asks almost desperately. 

 

“I’ll write.” Aaron interrupts with a kiss, stopping Robert’s rambling. “Plus, it’s only a year, right?”

 

Aaron laughs to try and mask the seriousness of the statement.

 

“Yeah. Just a year.” Robert lets out a small chuckle that sounds a little forced before sighing at the realization “Plus, we’ll always have the moon.”

 

He says quietly, Aaron almost doesn’t actually hear him, he wonders if it’s maybe from fear of Aaron teasing him at the soppiness.

 

He’s met with a kiss, long and eager that he almost falls back, feels lightheaded and weezy as their lips part and their chests heave.

 

 “Bye Rob.”  Aaron’s saying against his lips, foreheads touching and arms entwined.

 

Robert chokes out his goodbye as Aaron rubs at his face, caging his emotions and turning quickly to leave.

 

“Stay safe.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Nanyuki, Africa - June 2012**

_Robert_

_I'm writing to you from the hot and humid confinement of my cabin in Africa, and it’s making me miss the cold air of Leeds — well, that’s not the only thing I'm missing about Leeds. The weekend at yours was the most alive I've felt in years. I wish it was easier to put it into words, but even if I could, I don’t think it would make much sense. I miss the smell of your bedsheets, and the taste of your cooking like I've known it my whole life.  It only makes being here ever so harder. For fear of sounding soft, your arms wrapped around me was the closest I've ever felt to being home in a long time. Now I'm homesick for a place I never even knew existed not too long ago._

_I'm sure you’re working hard to build your empire.  As we speak, I've got training sessions from 6:00 AM onwards tomorrow, where I get the pleasure of teaching the new recruits, which means that Sarge must have some faith in me at least.  He made a comment today about how he’s never seen my smile before.  I guess you must have that effect on me._

_I’ll be looking at our moon as I fall asleep tonight, hoping you’re looking too._

_Always safe_

_Aaron_

 

He lives his days in dates and numbers, counting down on calendars and waiting for the next time he’ll get to read such comforting words.

 

 

 

 

_Aaron_

_Africa, wow! I can only imagine the heat… But you shouldn’t be giving me inappropriate thoughts of you in a short sleeve shirt while I'm at my desk at work, i’ll never get any work done!  I wanted to hold off on washing my sheets, because at least then if I closed my eyes it was as if you were still with me — except you got so many goddamn crumbs in then it was like I was rolling around on a piece of toast!_

_And no, you’re not at risk of being soft. I know what you mean about not being able to put it into words, I have the same problem. My younger sister asked me why I was in such a good mood yesterday, and the only thing that came to mind was you! (I didn’t tell her nosey ass that though.) I think you’re going to do a great job with those new recruits. You’re amazing at your job and anybody with a brain would know that. I like that thing you said about your Sarge never seeing you smile. Because you should never stop smiling, Aaron. That smile that you wear after you’ve had your morning coffee, I haven’t stopped thinking about it for days._

_As for me, I'm grafting my way towards a promotion at the moment,  so that’s keeping my mind occupied. I've also started a new book this week. It’s a Hemingway about a man who discovers his passion of life through love in the midst of a war…  I'm not usually the romance novel type, so I wonder what's changed?_

_Me, You and the Moon, we could have our own novel, don't you think?_

_Stay Safe_

_Robert_

Aaron has started to realise home is not a place. It’s not bricks and doors, or something with a roof over it.  It’s a series of emotions and memories;  arms that comfort you and a smile that makes you feel safe. Home is what he’s building through letters and writing.

 

 

 

 

_Robert_

_I can only apologise for the crumbs I left in your bed, but it was completely worth it! (However,  if you do get fired, I take no responsibility for your wandering mind!)  Though what I wouldn’t give to have one of your bacon sarnies right now as I'm sat in my bunk after 12 hours of training. It’s hot and stuffy and I'm exhausted, but it’s been getting a lot harder to fall asleep lately._

_Your sister sounds fun. Tell me more about her. This small bunk feels a lot bigger and emptier these days. The days seem to feel longer too; the sun is up earlier and the moon comes out later. But I wait for it every night, wondering what you’re doing as I sit and let the moonlight wash over me. I think we have something big coming up, because we’ve been working really hard lately, but the Serg is still on everyone’s backs — especially mine. So there’s not much time for smiling, unless it’s when I'm reading your letters. I should try and get some sleep, I've got a big day tomorrow. Enjoy your book!  (Romance novels, ay? Soppy git.)_

_Always safe._

_Aaron_

Aaron’s sanity is white envelopes with cursive handwriting. It’s what gets him through the day and helps him sleep better at night. It’s why he feels lighter and happier than he’s ever been.

 

 

_Aaron_

_After a lot of schmoozing and countless business dinners I finally got that promotion. You’re looking at White Enterprises new Directing Manager. It basically means a lot more work for not enough money, but you were the first person I wanted to tell._

_Anyway, the weather has perked up a little now that we’re going into August, so I’ve got out the short sleeved shirts and I'm preparing for my hair to become precisely three shades lighter. But it sounds like your working hard. I'm proud of you. Just remember that when you’re trying to sleep at night._

_My sister? Where do I begin? She can be a right pain in the ass, like how she’s dragging me to a beer garden with her this weekend. But she means the world to me. Our relationship was strained for a while, but we’re building it back up. So it’s great to have her in my life again — even if it means suffering her overbearing ways and worries. You mentioned that night in Germany you have a younger sister, but you don’t talk about her much. Tell me about her._

_I'm glad my letters make you smile, because I like to think of you at night, washed in moonlight with that shy smile of yours. It makes it a little less lonelier._

_By the way, I've almost finished the book I'm reading. I'm rooting for a happy ending. Everyone deserves one of them, right?_

_Stay safe._

_Robert._

It's a pretty early finish in the day for the squad which Aaron is more than happy about.  The comfort of his bunk, Robert’s letter and rain hitting the window of the cabin relaxes him.  Robert’s words about strained relationships and building bridges sit with him.

 

He chews on the lid of his pen, the crisp paper blank under his fingertips. He exhales deeply before letting his hand create the words.

 

 

_Robert_

_That’s brilliant news about the promotion! I never doubted you, not for one second.  Now you’re one step closer to taking over the world, one elbow patch at a time. Though the thought of you in short sleeves is even more pleasing. I can only imagine the amount of freckles you get in the sun — just thinking about it has me smiling!_

_Your sister sounds great! I’d love to meet her someday. As for my sister, I don’t really know much about her anymore, if I’m honest. We have the same dad, but different mums, and when I was 14, my dad kicked me out. Apparently, I was out of control.  But I haven’t seen Liv ever since — not even sure if she remembers who I am. She was only five when I left. Anyway, I ended up living with my mum… Now that’s what you call a strained relationship. I was a pain in the ass to her, but she never gave up on me. Not even when I pushed her to the limit. Still, I couldn’t wait to get away. As soon as I turned 16, I signed up for the army and left. I guess I took for granted what I had back at home-_

Aaron’s pen comes to a halt. His overwhelming nostalgia making him hesitate, unsure of what he’s thinking is the right thing to do.

 

He nods his head, encouraging his decision before pulling out a new blank sheet of paper and letting his pen hover over.

 

It’s long overdue and he knows it. But something about talking to Robert has him thinking about futures and pasts and the littles things in life that you never quite have time for.

 

He lets his pen come into contact with the sheet of paper, the ink bleeding out until he lets his hand move in a rhythm he’s unfamiliar with. He pauses, looking at the word on the paper in front of him, its shape almost foreign to his eyes.

 

_Mum_

He lets out a shaky breath. His fingers tremble against the pen.

 

Before he knows it, his hand is moving and there’s words in front of him. Ink is splashed from where the pen is pressed too hard, his scribble almost unreadable. He’s going on about how he’s sorry it’s took so long and how he appreciates what she did for him. He’s overwhelmed, submerged in memories and feelings he never knew he had and it’s as though he is watching someone else pour their heart onto a blank canvas and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

 

It’s only when his hand starts to ache, and his cheeks are damp that he realises what’s in front of him.

 

Years of unspoken words and cementing over cracks that he never would have dreamed of putting in writing until only a few short months ago.

 

He feels lighter, like breathing is easier now. He looks at the countless pages of his handwriting with crossed out mistakes and sentences that don’t quite make sense, and it’s such a new feeling to him — but not one that’s unwelcome.

 

His breath is shaky, as are his hands when he slips the pages inside a sleek envelope and writes down the address as neatly as he can.

 

He’s anxious but happy, giving himself a nod as though to confirm that this is the right thing to do.

 

It’s time to start building bridges.

 

 

His breathing steadies, and his nerves calm as he stretches out his arms and lets out a yawn. Emotional exhaustion has him, and he’s just about to call it a night when the cabin door opens and Adams grinning at him excitedly.

 

“We’ve got the England match on in the common room.” He beams, nodding his head in the direction of the door for Aaron to follow.

 

“Finally?” Aaron’s asking, a little bit more awake with excitement now as he throws his legs over the bed - they’ve been trying to get a good enough signal to catch the home games for _weeks_ now.

 

“Yeah, Ryan messed about with the aerial! All it took was an empty beer can and some teeth,” Adam laughs as he places a hand over Aaron’s shoulder, pulling him into a friendly hug as they walk. “You alright bro?”

 

“Yeah, I'm good actually.” He smiles back, feeling as though everything is finally coming up Aaron. “C’mon. Don’t wanna miss kick off.”

 

 

 

:::

 

 

Aaron’s not sure if there’s something in the air, or if it’s simply a coincidence. But there’s electricity moving through the squad today. Like happiness is a contagious virus and they’re all infected. The sun's shining, bright and hot on Aaron’s skin, and Sergeant Collins has wrapped up training early so they’ve snagged themselves some cold beers.

 

He’s outside, black t shirt stuck to his toned chest, sleeves pushed up high on his shoulders as beads of sweat glide down his neck and bundle at the collar. He wipes away the dampness on his forehead with the back of his hand before swallowing down the chilled liquid in from the can in his hand, drops of condensation making it hard for his clammy hands to keep their grip. He licks away the excess of beer off his lips before slowly jogging back out onto the field to where some of the other lads are.

 

Adam is there, shirt discarded, hair curly and wild with the humidity. He passes the ball swiftly to Aaron as he catches him approaching out of the corner of his eye. Aaron stops it with his foot and smiles towards the other lads in a playful manner.

 

They’ve challenged some of the younger recruits to a fun game of five-a-side and they’re currently winning by a staggering lead,  which only heightens Aaron’s good mood.

 

 

After his intense episode while writing to his mum, he had enjoyed the rest of last night, having been surrounded by friends, beer and football. It had been the first time in years Aaron had felt content. He’d spent his whole life searching for a home, and for a family he’d convinced himself he’d never had. He’d felt like he’d found it when he’d joined the army; a band of brothers, people to look out for and protect.

 

It’s only now he realises that you can have more than one family — and that home can be discovered in the most surprising of places.

 

For the first time in years, he’s looking forward to his term coming to an end, to having a break from the only family and home he’s ever known, so he can discover a new one, while _maybe_ revisiting the one he took for granted.

 

It’s exhilarating. 

 

 

The match is called after a fourth goal from Aaron results in a gruelling defeat for the younger recruits.

 

He’s in high spirits  and there’s a skip in his step as laughter surrounds him and joy overtakes him, making him see things differently. He no longer complains about the sun, it’s presence now warm and welcome on his skin. He even finds Adam’s jokes less irritating and annoying, instead laughing along genuinely. As the group of them head back to the cabin, talking about their plans for the night, he lets this feeling soak into his bones, hoping it never leaves.

 

One of the younger lads, Jake, is mentioning beer and pool and Aaron’s nodding along as he pushes open the door to the cabin, when another voice fills his ears.

 

He freezes, hand still pushed up against the door and the group of lads around him.

 

There’s something about the words being spoken that makes him freeze, makes him unable to move his legs or release a breath…

 

It’s because he recognise them.

 

They’re words he’s read so often and remembers so fondly. Words that cause a warmth fall over him and his heart swell… But not right now, because they’re spoken with a gruff voice, in a sinister tone laced with laughter.

 

He feels nauseous as his eyes fall onto the group in front of him.

 

“I’d like to think of you at night, washed in moonlight with that smile of yours. It makes it a little less lonelier.”

 

Aaron’s feet take over, and he approaches the group of lads. He hears his name being called from behind him in a questioning manner but he ignores it. Nostrils flaring, and bile rising in his throat, he pushes through the crowd of laughter and torment, his eyes finally landing on the culprit.

 

“Dingle. Glad you could join us.”

 

Ross Barton’s standing smugly with the group surrounding him. Aarons eyes drop to his hands, and his gut wrenches as he sees it. The other man’s got Robert’s letters, piles of them, and they’re scrunched and creased in his grubby palms, making Aaron wince and swallow hard as he fights back the tears.

 

“Who knew you were such a romantic, ay?” Ross smirks, letting a light chuckle escape his lips as the crowd around him mirrors it - Aaron falling victim to cruel and immature jokes.

 

Aaron can’t speak, can’t breath, can’t blink, and it feels like the walls are closing in on him. So the only reaction he has is to _pounce_.

 

He lunges forward, fast and aggressive, and instantly pinning Ross against the wall, his arm coming up towards his neck.  He watches as the older man flinches in pain.

 

Aaron hears the pages  fall from Ross’ hand, and he tries not to let it affect him as he gets close to the other man’s face. Breath shaky and harsh, he raises his chin, his eyes shining with the tears he’s desperate not to let fall.

 

“Breath one more word and you’ll lose your tongue. Ya hear me Barton?” He almost whispers, threatening Ross as he shoves his arm against his neck a little more.

 

He keeps his eyes on him, daring him to speak as the anger spirals through him and makes him feel hot.

 

After a few moments of silence, he releases his arm from Ross’ neck, attempting to calm his anger and walk away from the situation.

 

“Bet you’d love that wouldn't you? Some tongue action from me,” Ross spits back, smiling that sinister grin and following it with a kissing noise that makes Aaron stop in his tracks.

 

He shakes his head in disbelief, his back still towards Ross. He wipes at his mouth, and blows out a breath, before spinning on his heel and throwing his body into a punch, connecting right with Ross’ jaw.

 

Before he knows it, he’s on top of him, throwing punches left and right, and receiving them back. He feels a pain in his ribs, wetness from his nose and a metallic taste in his mouth but he carries on, throwing and hitting and letting the anger release out of him like steam.

 

 

There’s shouting, some cheers and some calls of names, but all he focuses on is the man in front of him and the pain he wants to inflict.

 

 

He’s pulled off quickly, arms pinned behind his back and legs kicking out for freedom.

 

“Get off, get off.” Aaron complains. He hears his name and along with a plea for him to calm down. But he can’t contain himself. His breath slows down as the adrenaline wears off and his eyes focus on a bloodied and bruised Ross in front of him, also being held back.

 

 

“Aaron mate, he’s not worth it alright, just calm down.” Adam says into his ear in what he probably thinks is a soothing tone but it just comes across as desperate.

 

“Yeah, thats right Dingle. Listen to your boyfriend,” Ross shouts as he spits blood from his mouth and looks towards them in disgust. “That’s all you’re good for anyway, a punch up. You’re nothing but a loose cannon! You really think Posh Boy is gonna wait around for you? You’re pathetic.”

 

The room is silent and people divert their eye as Ross continues to spit vicious slurs at Aaron.

 

“You think he’s waiting at home for you like a good little boy? You were nothing but an easy shag. He’s probably off with some other bloke, now that he’s had his bit of rough,” Ross laughs.

 

But he’s alone this time, as one of the troops let go of him and the rest of them start to descend away from the drama. “What are you going to offer him Dingle, eh?  A sweaty pair of boots and a punch? He’s pitying you mate. That’s _all_ this is. Some sad little-”

 

“Ross, thats _enough_!” Adam shouts angrily as he lets go of Aaron’s arm and nudges at his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go and get you cleaned up.” Aaron forces his eyes away from Ross’ own dark and angry ones

 

He doesn't say another word Just lets Adam guide him to the sinks and clear away the now drying blood.

 

 

:::

 

 

"Aaron sits there motionless, limbs weighed down by sadness, mind lost in distant thoughts as he lets Adam clean away at the blood and soothe his wounds. The room has cleared, people emptying out with their heads bowed and eyes shifting to the ground.

 

“So… the guy from the bar in Germany?” Adams starts, a light smile tugging at his lips as he attempts to lighten the mood.

 

“ _Don’t_.” Aaron replies firmly, not wanting to talk too deeply about his feelings in fear he may break.

 

“Don’t listen to Ross, mate. He’s just bitter,” Adam tries, doing his best to come across as reassuring.

“You know he hasn’t been the same since that Donna bird left him.”

 

 

It sparks Aaron’s interest, bringing back a forgotten memory from early last year when Ross returned from his Christmas leave, eyes stained red, with the a slouched body of a broken man. He’d gotten drunk and informed some members of the squad about his heartbreak, of how he’d stumbled upon his beloved fiance in bed with another man while on his surprise visit home. She’d confessed to him of how it had been going on for months and how she’d found it too hard to break it off over letters and strained phone calls, so had simply strung him along.

 

Ross’ words burn deep into Aaron’s mind, piercing all his dreams of happiness with the reality that this is more than likely what Robert is doing - stringing him along until he has the guts to call it off, probably already bored of his writing. He thinks about how they aren't even in a relationship and yet it already feels so deep, and real…  He also thinks about the possibility of their letters being nothing but an annoyance to Robert.

 

“So, _that's_ why you were asking about the long distance thing.” Adam’s hand freezes, and drops from Aaron’s face as he tries to catch his eye. “You thinking about giving it a go?”

 

“What? No. Don't be daft!” Aaron says, suddenly defensive. He stands to distance himself from the conversation, his eyes still glazed with emotion.

 

“Why not, I-”

 

“Just drop it, Adam,”  Aaron interrupts, his hand flying up in a gesture, as a scowl paints his face.

 

“Mate-”

 

“I said _drop_ it!” He almost shouts, his voice cracking as the words release from his throat. He tries his best to swallow down his emotions before he continues, his voice quieter and broken. “It’s nothing, it never even started for it to be something. So just… Just drop it, ok?”

 

His own words hurt as he spits them, the realization that all they have is words on paper and a few stolen nights. Who’s he to think that they could build a future with that?

 

“Yeah, ok,” Adam says, his words matching the same defeated volume and tone and volume as Aaron. Only despite knowing when not to push his best friend, he opens his mouth to speak again.

 

Aaron can’t bear to hear whatever nonsense he’s about to come out with, so he turns his back towards him, and announces, “I'm going to bed.”

 

Aaron walks his slouched, exhausted body out of the room, ignoring the calls of his name.

 

 

 

The cabin is silent and almost empty when he walks back inside. There’s faint laughter coming from the common area and Aaron feels a turning in his stomach at the thought of it being at him.

 

He sighs and looks around the room, before rubbing his hands over his face in attempts to feel some sort of relief… It fails. 

 

It’s when his hands drop and his vision clears again that he notice the pile of papers on the floor, having been discarded in the fight, and now crumpled and ruined with dirty footprints and a splash of blood.

 

His heart feels as though his blood is thick and tar-like, suffocating it in his chest and making it hard to form a steady beat. Nausea swirls through his empty stomach and he can no longer control his emotions, letting his tears spill desperately down his face like water from a dam. The muscles in his chin tremble, his lip quivers and he has to take it in between his teeth and bite hard for some sort of control.

 

Aaron lowers himself down to the ground, knees connecting with the cold tiled floor. His hands shake as he gathers the scattered letters from around the floor into a somewhat neat pile. They look deprived, mistreated, and fit for the rubbish, but he picks them up anyway and hugs them to his chest tightly.

 

He breathes in and out shakily, his chest heavy as it rises and falls, but the letters give him some warmth as they slowly become stained with tears.

 

He tries to compose himself as he stands, making his way over to his bunk and sitting on the edge.

 

Ross’ words swim around his brain, vicious and continuous like sharks hunting their prey. He lets his insecurities get the better of him, the words settling and making their home at the forefront of his mind, loud and unwelcome.

 

 _He’s right,_ he thinks. And the more he replays it, the more he believes it.

 

He thinks about Robert; attractive, single business man with a smile that could cure souls. What makes Aaron so special that he would wait around for him? Who decides if they get to have a happy ending or not? This isn't a love story.

 

 

There's a sudden shade on the pages in his hand, and Aaron looks up towards where the sun was shining through the window just a few seconds ago  — only now it’s hidden by a dark grey cloud threatening a downpour. He sighs, as though it’s obvious.  His sudden bright and happy mood is now clouded by Ross’ words and actions, his doubts taking over every last inch of his body and making him feel weak.

 

He folds the papers in his hands, opens up a drawer, and places them at the back with everything in him. He wants nothing more than to crawl under his blanket and indulge in them, but somehow they now feel tainted.

 

Once they’re discarded, his attention is brought to the sheet of paper on top of the cabinet, pen still balanced next to it, with a letter only half written and begging to be completed. His eyes began to trace the words.

 

_Robert_

_That’s brilliant news about the promotion! I never doubted you. Now you’re one step closer to taking over the world, one elbow patch at a time. Though the thought of you in short sleeves is even more pleasing. I can only imagine-_

He stops. There’s a pain in his chest and tears  stinging his eyes. It becomes too much to read, too much to write. He almost wants to laugh — like the others did — at how pathetic he must sound. The thoughts are bitter and harsh, leaving a sour taste in his mouth.

 

Although it’s not easy, he makes a decision. He swallows hard, and thinks about that weekend at Robert’s and how much it meant to him… 

 

How happy he’d felt to be around such a brilliant man… 

 

How Robert had made him feel… 

 

How safe and secure he’d imagined a life with him to be.

 

It almost makes him let out a sob before he’s trying his hardest to contain himself and clenching his hands around the paper.

 

He stands and marches his way over to the rubbish bin. There's a moment of hesitation as he looks down at his own handwriting and tries to be strong. He doesn’t need the humiliation. He doesn’t need the pity. And he certainly doesn’t need the heartbreak. He scrunches the paper up into a ball, dropping it into the empty bin and letting the sound of it echo throughout his ears and through his body, making his heart skip a lasting beat.

 

He closes his eyes, and with a nod of the head, they're open again, convincing himself of his decision.

 

Exhausted and broken, and feeling like less of a man, he changes quickly into his sweats and crawls under his covers, pulling them right up to his neck, and wrapping them around himself as a form of safety — much like a small child.

 

His red stained eyes travel up towards the window, the low falling sun indicating it’s still too early for sleep, but he mind as he watches the clouds pass it by. It’s bright, warm, and unwelcome, stinging at his already sensitive eyes, unlike the soothing light of the moon that he can't help but usually gaze at. But he’s thankful for one less reminder of Robert as he squeezes his eyes shut and attempts not to think about futures and beginnings anymore.

 

:::

 

Aaron goes through his days motionless. His hands twitch, his mind races, his heart yearns and he wonders if he’s made the right decision every day, throwing the letter away — along with his chance of happiness.

 

It’s there daily.

 

A feeling that starts at the bottom of his stomach and slowly grows with every passing day. Some days it’s not as noticable, on others he feels it in his loss of appetite, his fake smile and his longing stares into nothing.

 

He avoids Ross —  well, they avoid each other as much as they can. There’s a sort of aura around any room that they share, where people are afraid to breathe in the air in fear of getting infected with the sadness that seems to evaporate off them.

 

Adam tries his best at cheering him up, and occasionally it works. If there’s one thing Adam can succeed at, it’s making people laugh — whether it be with him or at him. But most days Aaron shrugs off the attempts, trying not to snap and curse at the ones who try to help, instead attempting to bury his emotions deep down and wear a fake smile.

 

He trains the new recruits, with as much enthusiasm as he can muster up. They listen to him, and he wonders if it’s in fear of getting on the wrong side of him now that word has spread about his and Ross’ disagreement.

 

But mostly he just does his job, keeps his head down, and keeps to himself. Day’s pass him by — but not like they used to. They’re not in excitement or anticipation, they just swim by with a blink of an eye, as though he’s not really living, simply existing.

 

 

Nights are the worst. It’s when he’s laid flat on his back, neck propped up by the uncomfortably hard pillow that makes him miss the cotton sheets and warmth of Robert’s bedroom. There’s laughter from the common areas, and low conversation from the others in the room, but Aaron stays silent, eyes up to the bunk above him, tracing details of a worn and old mattress as a coping mechanism.

 

But sometime its uncontrollable, the thoughts that suffocate his brain. Sometimes, his eyes slowly flicker shut, and he can't stop the images that lie behind them.

 

_He’s sat in a pub, watching the drops of condensation slide down the side of his pint. He feels the sun on his skin through the window, smells something that reminds him of a certain place and time that he can’t quite put his finger on._

_“Whatcha thinking about?”_

_His eye shoot up from the glass, and he’s instantly lost in whirlwinds of blue with speckles of green, bright and shining with love. They’re staring deep into his soul with a questioning look._

_Aaron’s mouth falls open, his heart pounds in his chest as his eyes trace his surroundings…_

_He knows this place._

_He knows the fireplace…  The armchair…  The man in front of him._

_“Uh, nothing.” Aaron replies as their eyes connect again before he’s tracing over every aspect of his face, of Robert’s face, and it’s exactly how he remembers it; every last freckle, every last wrinkle, every last detail.  He’s in awe as the corner of his lips unintentionally curve._

_“Finish that and then we’ll head home,” Robert’s saying, grin wide and porcelain teeth on show, his eyes still locked with with Aaron’s wide and confused ones._

_“Home?” Aron questions, his breath hitched and his heartbeat unsteady._

_Robert doesn’t reply, just smiles that oh-so-familiar smile that he only ever has for Aaron, before his lashes are dancing against his cheek and his lips are excitingly close to Aaron's own.  He can feel  Robert’s breath against his lips making them moist and soft as he leans in closer to connect-_

 

He wakes with a jump. A loud noise from outside his cabin startling him as he sits up straight and tries to steady the shaky breaths being release.

 

He feels clammy against the thin sheets as his heartbeat is restored, starting to ache  in his chest once more.

 

He rubs a hand over his face. The room is dark, except for the silver illuminating in through the window.

 

His eyes catch sight of the crescent moon high in the sky. It’s clear, hiding away from the stars and missing half of itself. Simply looking at it sets something alight in Aaron’s chest that he doesn’t want to feel.

 

He pulls down the blinds quickly and angrily, swallowing hard as he looks up to the ceiling and begs his tear ducts to stay closed.

 

He sleeps in total darkness.

 

:::

 

 

Almost three weeks pass without Aaron really realising, the routine he’s created for himself hardly allowing any free time for his mind to wander back to thoughts of Robert, as he keeps his head down, gets his work done, and mends the pieces of his heart.

 

So it’s a shock when he hears Adam calling his name, and jogging over to him with a silly grin on his face.

 

“Whats up?” Aaron asks, eyebrow raised and a sigh releasing from his lips.

 

“Letter came for you today,” Adam smirks knowingly and Aaron’s heart stops for a second with the information. 

 

He stays silent, letting the information sink in as his heart regains a steady beat that vibrates his whole body.

 

“It’s on your pillow.” Adam smiles with a nod of the head, leaving Aaron to continue his walk in peace.

 

Something inside him makes his steps that little bit quicker and his heart pace that little bit faster. It’s joined by a swirling in his stomach that’s a sign of his nerves.

 

Just as Adam said, there’s an envelope placed on his pillow, the brown shade of paper catches his eye as he sits on the edge of the bed, before he picks it up and turns it over to see the writing, all while biting back a creeping smile. 

 

 

His brow furrows when he doesn’t instantly recognize the handwriting, his lips turning into a frown as his nervous hands pull open the envelope carefully.

 

His breathing comes to a halt as his eyes trace over the first few words, his heart hammering against his chest…

 

_Hi son_

He lets out a breath he forgot he was holding. There’s a sinking feeling inside him as though his heart has just plummeted and landed in a pool in his stomach. Suddenly he’s disappointed, even without meaning to be.

 

He reads through his mother's words, can almost hear her high pitched and annoying voice ring through his ears, and surprisingly, he misses it. It makes him feel guilty for the disappointment he’d first felt  when he’d found  out the letter was from her.

 

She talks about his many relatives, and how life is in the small Yorkshire village. Nothings seems to have changed, which doesn't surprise Aaron in the slightest. Reading her words, he feels like a little boy again. It’s not quite the same feeling he has when reading Robert’s letters, but its a pleasant replacement that has him feeling a little glimmer of a smile build on his lips as he decides to grab some paper and return the fond words.

 

It may not be home building and heart mending, but it’s a satisfying and welcome distraction that Aaron now looks forward too.

 

 

 

**Nanyuki, Africa - September 2012**

The week of non-stop rain matches Aaron’s mood. The sky is grey, the thunder deafening and angry, and the surroundings damp and sad looking.

 

He and Adam find themselves being taught new card games as the loud rain batters down against the glass and people come in and out leaving muddy footprints around the room.

 

He wishes he was curled up in bed, arms around another, listening to the soothing sound and watching the world pass by.

 

If he closes his eyes, if he thinks hard enough, he can still smell the shower gel on his skin, still feel the hand low on his back.

 

He’s abruptly reminded where he is by the the loud clap of thunder bringing him back down to reality.

 

:::

 

 

The more time passes, the easier it is. New habits get created, different things become normal and Aaron gets used to not receiving  letters from Robert. He writes the occasional letter to his mother, tells a funny story to Adam, is made to laugh by Sean, a young recruit who’s teaching him how to deal cards like a pro, and slowly it just gets easier to breathe.

 

 

:::

 

 

‘ _The only way out is through_ ’

 

He hears it from one of the younger recruits, Ryan. It was in his book of poems passed down from his grandfather.

 

It sticks out to Aaron, stays with him for days.

 

The only way out is through.

 

:::

 

 

He’s sat round the table grabbing some lunch when the air mail comes in. One by one people get handed letters and parcels that bring joy to their faces. Aaron’s handed a envelope and he frowns at it for a second,  he’d only sent off his reply to his mother's second letter two days ago. It feels familiar under his fingertips, soft, crisp paper unlike the rough brown envelopes his mother uses, and suddenly his appetite is lost.

 

His fork is forgotten about, dropped from his hand as he flips the letter over to read the address.

 

He almost feels sick as the handwriting he’s come to know all too well comes into view.

 

He forgets to breathe for a moment, the colour rushing from his face and his heartbeat pulsing through him.

 

He doesn’t say a word; just stands and makes his way to the closest bit of privacy he can find.

 

 

It’s only when he’s locked the door to the bathroom and his back is flat against it that he lets out the unstable breath he’s been with holding since he got the letter.

 

He hesitates, staring at the envelope in his hand. So many weeks of trying to forget him, so many nights of failing, all to just end up here.

 

He makes a split decision; lets his curiosity get the better of him, lets his heart take over his brain. He opens the letter and prepares himself for the abuse and the anger, or even worse, for Robert not to care.

 

_Aaron_

Seeing his name in Robert’s handwriting alone makes his eyes gloss over, and he has to lean against the counter when his legs become unsteady.

_I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm wondering if my last letter made it to you — or if maybe yours has got lost on its way over here. Or maybe you’re just too busy with work to have the time to write. I hope you’re well. I've been busy with work myself, if I'm honest. My new promotion may of come with a salary increase, but it also came with a free time decrease. I spend most of my waking hours at the office, which is where I'm writing to you from now. It’s not all bad though!My boss’ daughter has put a good word in for me and thanks to her, some of my ideas for the redevelopment of old investments have gone through. It’s a pretty big deal, and has ended up with me wining and dining a lot of clients. But enough with me boring you. How’s life out in Africa? I miss hearing about your day. I almost feel lonely without the company of your letters. Me and Victoria have signed up for a cooking class together (her idea of course). We learnt how to make fresh ricotta with rhubarb compote’ last week, which Vic was great at — mine, not so much. Next week is Steak au Poivre, which sounds more up your street, so who knows? Maybe next time I can treat you to a home cooked meal? I finally finished that book by the way. They got their happy ending in the end after all! Don’t you wish life was as simple as fiction?_

_I hope this letters gets to you._

_I hope to hear from you soon._

_Stay safe_

_Robert_

##  ****

His heart lurches in his chest and dread and guilt wash over him, like a rash. He curses himself for reading it, for letting himself open up old wounds and pour salt into them in the form of words.

 

It’s more hope and promises than Robert never intends to keep and it aches Aaron to the core.

 

He makes his way back to the cabin in a blur and settles down on his bunk, letter still in hand. He reads and re-reads the words, almost picturing Robert’s face in his mind; his soft grin and bright eyes as he talks about his day and asks Aaron about his. It’s almost enough to make him swallow his pride and go back on everything he believes.

 

He picks up the pen from his bedside cabinet and holds it tenderly between his finger and thumb.

 

He has this urge to explain and apologise and try again. It would be _so_ easy just to put pen to paper and do just that.

 

But there’s laughter outside his window and suddenly he's brought straight back down to Earth and the reality that is his life. He has nothing to offer Robert, the best thing for both of them is to just forget.

 

So he puts down the pen, folds Robert’s letter in his hands and places it at the back of the drawer along with all the others.

 

And attempts to move forward.

 

:::

 

There’s celebration in the air tonight.

 

Adam’s returned from his weekend at home, his eyes bright and smile even bigger than usual (which Aaron didn’t know was possible), and making him realise just how much his best mate had become his support system lately.

 

The few short days without him there made for fewer distractions and less laughs. He never quite voices just how much his friendship means to him, but he hopes Adam knows.

 

He embraces him in a hug with a questioning look on his face and Adam can’t stay quiet for long. Just as quickly as his bag is dropped onto the floor, his mouth is in overdrive.

 

“I did mate, I finally did it!” He exclaims, all moving hands and expressive eyebrows.

 

It takes Aaron a few minutes to understand. “Did it…?”

 

“I asked her to marry me.”

 

“You did?!” Aaron’s eyes are wide and his jaw loose as he stares at his best friend in awe. “And she said yes?”

 

“She said yes!” Adam repeats, smile impossibly bigger than before and Aaron’s pulling him into another hug that's tight and warm.

 

“I'm made up for you mate.”

 

“Thanks bro, I couldn't be happier.”

 

Aaron knows it's true, can see it on his face, and he’s truly happy for his best friend.

 

 

 

He’s surrounded by empty beer bottles, music low in the background, and a chorus of talk between men.

 

His head feels too heavy and his blood feels hot and electric as it pulses through his body and it’s all telltale signs he’s had one too many.

 

It’s approaching midnight when he catches sight of the high moon. His usually fearless and fun persona that alcohol brings along is slowly replaced with a sad and lonely one as he watches the groups interact around him.

 

His eyes land on Adam, following him around a little as he grabs a bottle from the neck and raises it too his lips. He’s radiant, smile big and laugh loud, with a slap on the back or a high five for anyone, and everyone around him is so happy.

 

Aaron almost feels bad for being angered by it, hates these bitter and sorrowful feelings he has inside him. But all he can think about is how he’ll never have that.

 

Not now.

 

Not ever.

 

Not with Robert.

 

He almost rolls his eyes at himself for thinking of _his_ name, thinking of what could have been.

 

He catches Adam coming towards him and has to force what he only hopes is a supportive smile, but he doubts Adam is sober enough to notice.

 

“Cheer up, mate!You never know. Could be you next!” Adam says, pushing his beer bottle in the air like a trophy while his other arm finds its way around Aaron’s shoulder.

 

“No chance.” Aaron replies, adding a fake laugh on the end.

 

“You never know! Maybe that bloke you’ve been writing to will put a ring on it, or you know, you could put a ring on him. I guess it doesn’t matter really, does it? Who proposes to who? What with you both being blokes and all-”

 

The words makes Aaron feel nauseous and his heart drops. It becomes too much, and he has to stand and distance himself from the celebrations and Adam’s drunk rambling.

 

He grabs at the table to steady his faltering legs, feeling his head spin and his cheeks flush before he's pushing himself off and making some excuse about needing air while he’s heading out the door.

 

The cold makes him more alert as he walks across from the common area to the cabin in the moon’s spotlight; every step harder than the last as it becomes almost impossible for his eyes to stay open.

 

 

When he eventually reaches his bed, his legs finally give in and he falls backwards in a uncomfortable position, one leg hanging off the side, boots still on his feet and his head not quite on  his pillow. He turns his head lazily to the side, stares intentionally at the pen he keeps next to his lamp.

 

He grabs at it, along with the notepad, and brings it close to his face.

 

There’s just something about seeing so much love emitting from someone like Adam that makes his heart feel a little less whole and a little more broken and he can’t deny it to himself tonight.

 

He misses him. God, he misses him.

 

 

And maybe, just maybe if he explains and apologies, Robert will understand, Robert will write back, Robert will stay.

 

He turns onto his side, blank notepad next to him on the bed and he connects the pen to it, his hands moving on their own before he can even comprehend it.

 

_My Robert_

He stares at the letters in front of him for some time, his brow furrowed as he absorbs them. He sighs, bringing the pen up and scribbling out his name harsh and fast.

 

He tries again, a little lower.

 

_Robert_

 

He let his eyes trace over it once again, following every curve into the next letter. There's so much he wants to say, but his brain is drowning in alcohol and he can't function.

 

He finds himself writing another thing, eyes following every move of the pen.

 

_I miss you_

The words stay that way for a few minutes, inked onto the paper and taunting Aaron with truth before he’s scribbling over them in deep dark black lines until the paper starts to tear and the words have disappeared, his cheeks now wet. The pen falls out of his grip as he falls into a slumber.

 

 

:::

 

 

After his almost slip of willpower the night of Adam’s engagement party, Aaron’s defences are built even higher.

 

He’s thankful that his main point of communication is a letter that he has to willingly send sober, otherwise it probably would be a completely different story.

 

 

The days become longer now that the rainy season is coming to an end.  Their crew is worked hard, dusk to dawn in the blistering sun, and Aaron is exhausted by the time he’s done his evening run and his head hits the pillow. He’s thankful for it most nights, no time to think, no time to dwell. He just hopes that when he falls into a deep slumber, his dreams are kind to him.

 

 

That’s his plan as he strolls into the cabin, pushing his aviator sunglasses off his nose and resting them on his head.

 

He wipes away the sweat forming on his brow and quickly changes into his workout gear.

 

There’s just something about when he’s running, that makes him feel like he’s in complete bliss.

 

It’s the only time his mind is clear of worries. As his breathing paces and his strides get bigger, he almost feels lighter, stronger. The music, loud through his headphones, leaves no room for his mind to wander back to certain thoughts and certain people.

 

He stays out for about 30 minutes, not wanting to push himself too hard, the added exhaustion of the day taking him over.

 

His chest heaves as he gulps down water, and he rests his hands on his knees and hunches over in attempt to regain his breath.

 

He starts to feel more human as he stands up straighter, head clear and body aching in a sort of enjoyable way.

 

 

He kicks off his shoes as he arrives at his bunk, and as his eyes travel downward, a white envelope on his bedside cabinet catches his eye .

 

Either he’s been too caught up in the rush of the day to notice it before, or it’s fresh off the plane. But one thing's for sure, he recognizes that handwriting from a mile off.

 

Suddenly he feels like he’s running again, the world moving fast around him, his breath uneven and impossible to catch, and all he can see is the white envelope in front of him .

 

 

A million things fly through his mind at once, and he is filled with the urge to run again; from his problems, from his worries, from reality.

 

He wonders what it might say, why it’s here now when he hasn’t written back in weeks?  His finger twitches and his heart pounds while anxiety at reading the letter bubbles up inside him.

 

He’s too weak to resist his heart, the uncertainty bleeding through him. Before he knows it, the envelope is firm in his hands and his body is lowered onto his bed.

 

He reads the name and address, once, twice, three times before he turns it over to study the flap.

 

He nervously taps his fingers against the envelope, but soon the feeling is suffocating him and he rips it open, exhaling deeply before letting his eyes focus on the writing.

 

The index finger of his left hand finds a home by his lips, his teeth begin to gnaw at the skin around the nail as his eyes scan the first words. He’s lucky to not draw blood as they sink in.

 

 

 _Aaron_.

 

_This is the third time I've written to you in weeks, but still no response? I wasn’t sure if writing to you again was the right choice. I've spent weeks debating it, but I think I deserve answers. Should I be worried? Have I done something wrong?  You know you can tell me. The last thing i’d ever want to do is hurt you._

_I thought we had something good? I thought you felt the same? I guess I read that one wrong._

_I never imagined when we started writing I’d get more conversation out of a empty notebook. I guess I should’ve just started a diary._

 

_Please just write back to me. I can’t stop thinking about what it is I've done — or about you._

_I miss you._

_Please be safe._

_Robert._

It takes him a few seconds, once the words have sunk in and digested, to realises his cheeks have become wet without permission. His body suddenly feels cold and hollow, the aching in his chest tightening, and he wishes for nothing more than to take away Robert’s pain and worries.

 

 

But he can't.

 

The words taunt him, make him feel unworthy, almost like he doesn’t deserve Robert’s kind words and well wishes even now.

 

He folds up the paper and shields the words away, discarding of it quickly. But they stay embedded in his memory anyway.

 

Sleep doesn’t come quickly.

 

It doesn’t come at all.

 

Instead he stares up at the mattress above him, eyes fixated on a certain stain for hours until his vision is blurry and his eyes sting.

 

And he thinks about how cruel it is, that his heart continue to beat after it’s been broken in two.

 

 

**Nanyuki, Africa - November 2012**

Aaron dislikes Christmas songs at the best of times.

 

But there’s just something about hearing them when the sun is burning down on your neck and the air is stuffy around you that makes them even less bearable.

 

He rolls his eyes as he suffers through Adam’s singing along with the radio.

 

It’s blasting out Mud’s “Lonely This Christmas” and Aaron’s not sure if it’s Adam singing his irritating rendition or the fact the lyrics are just a little too close to home that makes him angrily shut off the radio and let out a sigh.

 

“Stop being such a Scrooge!” Adam yells from a few feet away. “You’re making _Ross_ look like the cheerful one.”

 

“Adam, it’s the middle of November, .” Aaron reminds him, a tired expression on his face as he  attempts to ignore the reference to Ross, who he still hasn’t spoken to since the incident.

 

“Christmas songs are acceptable anytime from the first of November,” his friend confirms with his usual self-righteous grin.

 

Aaron just holds back another eye roll and continues on with his work. He supposes he can't fault Adam’s good mood after getting his Christmas leave confirmed — his first one as part of a newly engaged couple.  As far as Aaron can tell, he’s just a little bit too excited.

 

 

But as happy as he is for him, deep inside there’s a bitterness, maybe even a jealousy that it’s not him who spending Christmas with a loved one. Not even his closest friend will be around to wish him Merry Christmas.

 

Aaron grimaces at the thought, but supposes it’s something he’ll need to get used to in the future.

 

:::

 

He’s sat on his bunk watching Adam excitedly pack his bag and he can’t help but smile despite the disappointment of his best mate leaving for a couple of weeks.

 

He’s laughing and shaking his head over something Adam is mumbling about when it catches his friend’s attention and makes him stop mid packing.

 

“That's the first smile I've seen off you in weeks mate,” Adam says, raising a questioning eyebrow at his friend.

 

“Just happy to see the back of you for a bit,” Aaron jokes as he kicks his leg out towards Adam, missing as he jumps out of reach.

 

“You love me mate,” Adam laughs back, grin wide and shining through his dark brown eyes like it always does. He taps at Aaron’s feet on the end of the bed signalling him to move them as he takes a seat.

 

“I'm serious though, you’re good yeah?” Adam asks, voice lower and smile fading as he makes contact with Aaron’s eyes and stares intensely. Aaron knows his best friend sees through his lies, but he continues with them anyway.

 

“I’m fine, Ads. Don’t know how many times I have to tell you,” he sighs, breaking the contact and hoping it does the trick of cementing the lie.

 

“Is it about that bloke? The one from Germany?” Adam persists, not buying into any of his friend’s nonsense.

 

Aaron sighs, it feels physically exhausting to even talk about it, so he tries his best not to. “I told you, that was over before it even started.”

 

“You haven't been yourself for ages. That hardly sounds like something that was over before it started,” Adam eyes him suspiciously and Aaron has to blink back tears under the gaze of his best friend.

 

Another sigh leaves his lips. He’s torn between wanting to expose all his feelings to Adam and wanting to bury them even deeper than before. He knows the other man would support him, would know all the right things to say and make him laugh when he says the wrong things. But there's a plane ticket with his name on and he’s so excited that Aaron can’t bear to dampen the mood.

 

“I'm good, I promise.” He smiles, and he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince Adam or himself.

 

“You know, me and Meg have had some hard times. But look at us now. You can’t just give up, you know?”

 

And with that last piece of wisdom, Adam stands from the bed and smiles down at Aaron.

 

“You already sound like an old married man.” Aaron laughs his friend’s comment off, but it hits him where it’s meant to and makes his brain work into overdrive. He stands from the bed to match Adam’s height. “You best get going if you’re going to make that flight.”

 

“Yeah,” Adam shrugs before locking eyes with Aaron and giving him a supportive smile. “You have a good Christmas, yeah?”

 

He says bring his hand up to the back of Aaron’s neck and watches as he nods, before pulling him into a strong hug.

 

“You too.” Aaron says softly where his face is buried into his friend’s shoulders. His arms loosen from their tight grip around him before giving him one, two, three slaps on the back and releasing him.

 

They smile again as Adam slings his bag over his shoulder and makes his way towards the door.

 

And Aaron didn’t think it was possible for this place to get any more lonely.

 

 

:::

 

 

 

Aaron remembers being a child.

 

The excitement and build up towards Christmas. He’d gleefully awaken every morning with the thought of getting a tiny piece of chocolate confirming one less sleep until Christmas morning. 

 

It’s a far cry from how his December has been spent this year.

 

The build up to the holiday was nonstop; long, hard working days, and nights that felt even longer.

 

He finds himself thinking about how this time of year is meant to be spent with family and loved ones and suddenly he can’t remember that last time that was the case.

 

Yeah, his crew are like his brothers, but it’s not quite the same.

 

 

Although, his last Christmas at home wasn’t exactly what Christmas cards were made of.

 

It was spent in his mother’s pub, a pint permanently glued to his hand as he scowled the whole way through wanting the night to end. He probably should’ve appreciated it more; the whole place full with his many family members, drinking and laughing and celebrating.

 

Of course it had ended in fighting and arguing — but what Dingle Christmas didn’t?  It may have been dysfunctional, but it was still family.

 

 

:::

 

**Nanyuki, Africa - December 2012**

He’s sat round a large table, familiar faces all around him, but it doesn’t feel like home.

 

There’s not as many men as usual, with the biggest presence missed being Adam.

 

Aaron’s refused one too many times to put a Christmas hat on, instead he’s sulking at the end of the table enjoying his gunfire cocktail and nursing his full stomach.

 

No matter how much he tries, he can’t help but wonder what a certain blonde is up to right now. He hopes he’s not alone, that his cheeks are flushed red from alcohol and the corners of his mouth hurt from laughing — just how Aaron imagines it would be like if they were together. 

 

Robert would cook for them, a traditional English Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and Aaron would reluctantly eat his sprouts just to see the look of achievement on Robert’s face at his empty plate.

 

 

He imagines they’d make a trip to Robert’s local after and settle into the chairs by the fire like they did that one time — only this time it would be lit, and cosy with twinkly Christmas lights surrounding it. Robert would sip on a fancy red wine while Aaron enjoyed a draught beer and it wouldn’t matter if they exchanged gifts or not because just being together would be enough to make it the best Christmas Aaron ever had.

 

The blissful thoughts don’t last long as Sergeant Collins approaches the table in a Santa hat with a bag over his shoulder making the table erupt in cheers.

 

He begins to pass out letters and parcels in coloured wrapping paper with little Christmas tree designs on them and Aaron watches as faces light up until he’s being passed a small brown parcel. He looks at it in confusion.

 

He then watches as others excitedly rip open their envelopes and parcels before his eyes fall back down to the one in his palms and he begins to tentatively open it.

 

He’s not sure what he expected, but what he finds warms his heart. 

 

It’s from his mother, filled with small but meaningful gifts: a Christmas card signed by all the Dingles, photographs of a younger Aaron, and of family members in the past years at celebrations he missed out on. He digs deeper, finds a picture drawn by his godson, bars of his favourite chocolate (that he’s surprised she even remembers), and a pair of novelty socks all bright coloured and patterned.

 

It’s not much but it means everything and has the smallest of smiles playing at Aaron’s lips that he has to bite back.

 

It makes the day a little more bearable.

 

 

 

 

Once the festivities get into full swing, Aaron decides to slip away, one too many beers making him feel the need for air.

 

He walks a short distance from the common room, finds a wall to lean against as the cool breeze tickles over his flushed skin.

 

Although it’s late, the bright moon is illuminating his surroundings. In the clear sky, his eyes are met with an array of stars putting any Christmas lights to shame.

 

He exhales, reaching into his pocket for what he knows he put in there earlier.

 

He pulls out the paper. It’s worn and crumpled now, with stains and ink runs, but Aaron doesn't mind.

 

He lets his eyes travel over the words. He’s lost count of how many time he’s read Robert’s letters, but every time he does it feels like the first.

 

There’s a sadness taking over him, but it doesn’t make him ache and it isn’t as raw as it used to be, it's just…  _there_.

 

He finishes the letter, feels his heart flutter around his body, and he folds the paper as neatly as he can, placing it in his pocket and turning his attention back to the sky.

 

“Merry Christmas Rob.”

 

 

 

:::

 

 

Just as quick as they came, the Christmas celebrations are promptly over.

 

The new year hasn’t even approached before Serg is calling an important meeting and there’s whispers around the training camp.

 

Adam arrives on the first flight back, his trip being cut short. Eyelids heavy and hair a mess. He throws Aaron a worried and questioning look, but all he has to offer is a shrug of the shoulders as they make their way to the meeting point.

 

A crowd begins to form in the hall, confusion written on their faces as they wait patiently to hear their orders.

 

The whispers come to a halt, the sound of solid boots against the ground rings through Aaron’s ear and makes his shoulders tense.

 

“Attention,” Sergeant Collins calls. All eyes turn to him.

 

“We’ve gotten new orders. I know some of you are still in the Christmas spirit, but this is serious business so I need you all to listen clearly.”

 

His voice isn’t smooth, his face lacks emotions and his eyes are stern.

 

Aaron gulps hard, feels a shiver down his back as his eyes shift to Adam next to him.

 

"We just received highly trusted intelligence about the militia leader. After a year of following this guy we finally have a location on Target 217.”

 

The whispers start back up again and Aaron and Adam share a look of shock.

 

 

“We know where he sleeps,” Collins continues. “We know who pays for his bed and his militia and we will not leave this place without finding him. We will find him.”

 

Aaron feels a rush of adrenaline course through him. The same feeling he always gets when word of a high importance mission comes along. But deep down there’s also the dread that comes with the unknown.

 

 

“Tomorrow we head out. Headquarters is asking us for a situation report every day, and I'm going to be honest with you boys, the situation is fragile.”

 

All eyes are focused on Collins, the anticipation making the room icy.

 

“Our plan is simple. We have intelligence saying that our man is hiding deep in the ruins of the former bombarded city. His bunker is out there and it’s where he runs his guerilla forces from,” the older office goes on to say. “The last problem we had with him was just two weeks ago and it was all orchestrated 10 miles from where we are now. This is our moment boys. The plan is simple. We’re not going in full guns blazing-“

 

There’s a loud snort from within the crowd and all eyes turn to the culprit.

 

Ross Barton is holding in a laugh, he wears a bored expression and Aaron’s jaw tightens at the sight.

 

“You have something to add, Barton?” Collins asks.

 

“Nice to know we’re finally putting all this training to use.” He replies sarcastically.

 

“What we need right now is teamwork.” Collins continues, choosing to ignore Ross’ comment.

 

There’s a flicker in Aaron’s direction from his superior and he suddenly feels heavier under the gaze.

 

“Okay, Going back to the plan,” Collins continues. “We’re going in with three Humvees and no aerial support besides the satellite view from HQ. Ross, Aaron, you’re running point on tactical. Ross, you’ll be Team Alpha and Aaron, you’re Team Delta”

 

Heads turn towards Aaron. He feels the burn of everyone’s stare as he swallows hard.

 

No pressure then.

 

“Well, it’s no surprise I'm the alpha.” Ross says standing, his demeanor confident as he does.

 

“Sit down, Barton. Or you will be on dish duty for a week.” Sergeant Collins rolls his eyes as he spits his orders.

 

The tension in the room quickly switches back to a cold and icy breeze.

 

The only sound sound that fills the air is the deep and shaken breathes of the worried.

 

“All our men. Back here. Alive.” Collins states, his deep brown eyes dark with intent.

 

Aaron notes the lack of saliva in his mouth as he listens. Not even Ross has anything witty to say at this moment.

 

“It’s 10 miles off the target area, and we’re never off the main roads," the Sergeant outlines. "Remember, wait until the extraction is complete. We first load the prisoners, then the assault-blocking forces. Then we're back home in an hour."  
  
He takes a deep breath before he adds, "There will be shooting. But be careful what you’re shooting at. There are people still living there.”  


It’s then that it starts to dawn on the room just how big this mission really is.

 

“Once again. All our men, back here, alive. Team Alpha you come from the South and Team Delta will be covering for you while you make your way to retrieve the target.”

 

It hits Aaron like a hammer to the head. His mission is to protect Ross’ team from any and all outside dangers.

 

He starts to go over it in his mind; the armed civilians, the land mines, the possibility of not coming back alive, of not seeing Robert again.

 

He knows the zone has been bombed and people are refusing to leave the area, either because of poverty or lack of trust in the authorities to come and help them. He shakes his head off, trying to wash away all  adjacent thoughts to be ready for the mission.

 

They’re ordered to get some sleep.

 

Aaron knows the rush of adrenaline and pang of doubt inside him will make that impossible as he drags his feet back to the cabin, draped in moonlight.

 

He’s anxious, a bubbling of nausea builds in his stomach and his fingernails become the only release ashe gnaws on them.

 

He lies flat on his bunk, eyes wide and stinging from the lack of moisture in them. His heart pounds, his mind races. He knows what’s to come is exactly why he joined the armed forces all those years ago.

 

But there’s something different about this time, something that makes his heart pound that little bit quicker, his breathing become a little heavier. That something plays in his mind throughout the night as it turns to morning and the moon fades away 

 

Something… 

 

 

 

Some _one._

_Robert._

 

He thinks about him and what he’d be up to right now.

 

Maybe he'd have just finished work, tie loose around his neck as he sips on a cold beer at the pub. Their pub.

 

Or maybe he’s at home, looking up at the same moon and thinking about Aaron, thinking about why he hasn’t written back, not knowing he may never be able to write to him again.

 

Before he knows it, Aaron’s startled by the morning alarm, crippling exhaustion taking over his body.

 

 And then it hits him.

 

Doomsday.

 

:::

 

 

What are usually the bright blue skies of Nairobi, are now gloomy and grey through the glass panels.

 

The convoy of Humvees slowly make their way through the half desolated, half destroyed city. An eerie silence looming around them

 

Aaron’s hands are firm on the steering wheel. It stops the shaking from his nerves as he leads the way through the city. He surveys his surroundings. There’s enough of an advantage point between the ruins and mounds of rubble for the enemy to have eyes on them and plan an ambush.

 

What does take him by surprise, is the many civilians; women and children of all ages doing their best to survive in the circumstances that are given to them.

 

 

He feels a sudden guilt wash over him, before he’s quickly shaking away those thoughts and getting his head straight. Mistakes are not tolerated and he needs to focus for his safety and for the squad.

 

 

They continue into the city, Aaron driving at a steady speed as not to draw too much attention to themselves. There’s silence in the vehicle, but it’s not unwelcome.

 

With each passing minute the number of cars surrounding then increases. Some clearly abandoned and damaged during the fighting and some driven recently. Not a huge amount of them, but enough to make Aaron a bit nervous and skeptical.

 

The bead of sweat on Aaron’s brow forms into a puddle as he concentrates on the stuffy confinement of the Humvee. The only communication between any of them is through the occasional glance and the ticking clock.

 

Slowly, a crowd starts to form around them. People appear from behind buildings and cars and Aaron feels in his bones that something isn’t right. He glances back at his squad quickly, they all wear the same worried expression.

 

“Two Minutes”

 

The voice over the radio fills the voice in the car and Aaron’s heart hammers a little faster.

 

He looks ahead, his eyes focus on a cloud of smoke forming in the sky. There’s a fire, old furniture and abandoned cars up in flames as he approaches closer.

 

“One minute.”

 

The radio blares once more and Aaron watches as people start to disperse in fear.

 

The countdown begins over the speaker and Aaron prepares for radio silence just in case they’re being monitored.

 

That’s when it starts to feel real.

 

He comes to a halt and they start to gather their weapons and step out onto the gravel ground. The air is filled with smoke and there’s a unwelcome smell as the fresh air hits him.

 

Aaron silently signals for his team to slowly make their way ahead, battle ready.

 

He holds his gun, tries to steady his hands as he signals for Ross’ team to move forward in the convoy. He guards them from the back, eyes peeled for any signs of danger.

 

The city is silent, except for the low noise of cracking pebbles under heavy boots. They survey their surroundings often, eyes in every direction in the hopes of catching any sign of the militia sitters or an oncoming ambush.

 

Aaron has eyes on the entry point, prepares to signal to Ross and his squad to move forward as they cover the four perimeters.

 

He swallows hard.

 

Inhales shakily.

 

One silent nod. 

 

 

Ross and his team are moving forward within seconds, quick and organised. No room for mistakes.

 

They fall in line, hurtling forward and holding their weapons low while Aaron and his team keep their eyes peeled.

 

Once in position, their footsteps turn cautious, careful and light as Ross and his team slowly advance to the abandoned building in front, where they suspect the bunker holding Target 217 is.

 

 

Aaron feels his heartbeat in his ears, his breath in every tingle of his body. He’s in mission mode now, and nothing or nobody can distract him.

 

His eyes are peeled, wide and quick, to survey all areas that are in his vision. He feels confident, hopeful even — until a sudden movement catches the corner of his eye.

 

His head snaps to the left, the grip on his gun tightening. As he focuses his vision on the abandoned building across the street, there’s footsteps, the  gravel crackling as Team Alpha moves to their positions loud in his ears.

 

It all happens in a blur of noise and quick movement.

 

 

The rocket launcher is what he sees first.

 

It’s terrifyingly big and pointed in their direction and Aaron’s body suddenly works on impulse, his years of training kicking in and and the words leave his mouth before they even enter his brain.

 

“RPG!” He shouts at the top of his voice, his feet moving, sprinting in Team Alpha’s direction.

 

He feel his feet lift off the ground with each sprint, and before they have the chance to collide with the floor once more, he feels himself being thrown backwards by an formidable force.

 

There’s a ringing in his ears, sharp and piercing. There’s dust everywhere and it stings his eyes and collects in his throat. He feels a heat on his face, a pain in his back, and there’s no time to dwell as his grip tightens back onto his weapon

 

There’s an explosion. It’s hot and fierce and he ducks his face in cover.

 

He can’t see.

 

Can’t hear.

 

His mind races for the next move. He weighs his options, plays out all the possibilities, and he can either play dead, or move and hope his body moves him at the speed he needs to be.

 

He’s brought out of his thoughts by familiar sounds.

 

Guns firing.

 

Bullets flying.

 

Chaos.

 

There’s a second explosion.

 

Aaron watches as the second humvee goes up in flames. The one he was driving only a few minutes ago.

 

Suddenly there’s no more thinking.

 

He’s up and moving in seconds, body running on adrenaline, heart hammering at his rib cage.

 

He feels a pain, is sure there’s blood, but he keeps moving towards his men — towards his team — desperate for answers.

 

His vision is impaired by the dust, he feels flames hot around him making beads of sweat form on his brow and drop down to his eyes. They cling to his eyelashes as he pushes forward in a struggle to find a familiar faces, the  sound of gunshots all around him.

 

He grips his weapon, and makes his way to a standing position before firing towards the direction of the gunshots and commotion. His head fills with noises, his mind races and nothing makes sense but he knows he has to power through this.

 

There's a third explosion. Their last humvee goes out in a symphony of black smoke and shrapnel. Aaron doesn’t even know where the gun fire is coming from anymore, but he’s set on getting to his men. He can only hope that he gets everyone out of this alive.

 

 

There’s movement behind the cloud of smoke — a cry, a shout.

 

Aarons eyes fall on Ross, ducking behind the blown up vehicle. He scampers towards him, spots his weapon lying on the ground next to him and he ducks from the bullets and makes his way closer.

 

 

“Are you hurt?” Aaron’s attempts to yell over the commotion. He suspects the worst, but he’s desperate to hear a human voice among all the metal rain, flames, and explosions. Any sort of word from Ross is going to give him comfort and energy to move past this and find the exit strategy.

 

_There has to be an exit strategy._

 

“L- Leg! I'm bleeding. I can’t move. Aaron, please! My leg!” Ross’ shouts scratch Aaron’s brain and his heart. He’s stays ducked, only moving to randomly fire cover shots.  He hopes the enemy runs out of ammo soon.

 

He sees two other soldiers helping each other out the corner of his eye, They run for cover through a small area that is bullet free and take shelter. The abandoned buildings are good for something after all. 

 

Aaron stops, his head still below the level of the burning humvee. He has to act quick. He stands up suddenly, shoots, and puts an end to the lead rain coming from the front and makes a sprint closer Ross.

 

His adrenaline is vibrating through his whole body, making his veins pulse and his heart bang.

 

“Fast.” He breathes out, throat tight and breathing heavy. “We don’t have much time, we have to take cover” he shouts in Ross’ direction. There’s a shout, a yelp of pain. Ross is crying, the sound unfamiliar to Aarons ears and he can’t quite believe it. Everything feels surreal, as though he’s living through an out of body experience, or an alternate dimension, which he is now sure that there is no way out of. He thinks about their vehicles, up in flames and dust, and how deep they are in enemy territory with no radio.

 

_There has to be an exit strategy._

He lets his body fall next to where Ross lays, sitting close enough for Ross to lean his head on Aaron’s shoulder as he scream out in pain, holding the wound on his leg.

 

There's blood.

 

So much blood.

 

 Aaron's training kicks in once more.

 

He puts his gun down, rummages in his rucksack for supplies, and pulls out a wire, He position himself in front of Ross, wraps it around his leg tight, below the wound to stop the bleeding. Ross winces out, eyes watery behind the black dust that covers his face. He gets out his knife, cuts at the sleeve of Ross’ uniform and wraps it around the wound.

 

He sits back on his heels, take in the sight before him and looks down at himself.

 

Blood.

 

So much blood.

 

His hands are bloody, his face is bloody, his heart is bloody.

 

“Okay mate, you’re good now.” Aaron tries his best to sound reassuring, but the crack in his voice is saying otherwise. “There’s no more blood. We can go now. Because we have to move. We can’t stay here!” Aaron’s practically begging. “We need to re-establish radio contact with the base and arrange airborne assistance otherwise we’re not making it out of here. Come on mate, we have to find shelter. Please, just listen to my voice”.

 

Aaron watches as Ross struggles to keep his head up, heavy on his shoulder and eyelids drooping. He’s desperate for an answer, just to hear his voice.

 

“ _Ross_?” He pleads.

 

 “No- No… Aaron, I can’t go” he mumbles between short breaths. Aaron’s not about to start negotiating with someone who’s already given up. Aaron signals to the soldiers covering them to intensify their fire, as he builds a plan fast.

 

He grabs at Ross’ arms, plans to throw him over his shoulder and make a run for it… only _to where?_

 

He looks around confused, wondering where the other teammates went.

 

There's less of them now, and there's silence for a few moments. It’s terrifyingly worrying.

 

He looks ahead, and he sees two enemies coming from the building in front, he hears his remaining teammates.

 

“They’re shooting at us! They’re shooting at us”.

 

There’s shouting in a foreign language. He doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t need to really, he knows exactly what is going on and what’s about to happen. He takes his weapon, gets on one knee, elbow balanced on it, closes one eye and with the other he looks through the visor of his weapon and he waits for the enemy to open fire. Clearly, that building is not the place to hide while waiting for a rescue mission.

 

“Dingle, we need to move out, they’re gonna take us out”

 

Aaron hears a shout from a few meters away from him. He watches them scamper, duck and look for cover. Aaron knows he needs to do the same, but he’s as focused as he’s ever been. Realistically, he knows he has no chance of survival out of this hell. So he lets that settle in his mind, and comes to terms with it. Suddenly he’s not scared anymore.

 

He’s not hesitant _or_ cautious. If this is it, at least he’s going to go out with a bang. He’ll be damned if he spends his last minutes in fear.

 

“Hold on. We need to clear a channel and then make a run for it. Barton’s injured.”

 

He shouts over to the other members of his team as they duck for cover. He fires his gun. His men fire their guns. Some of the enemies drop, some of them make a run for it out of the ambush zone.

_Not paid enough are ya_ , Aaron thinks to himself before shouting at the others to run and hide.

 

He lifts Ross over his shoulder, the weight of the other man heavy against his muscles as his adrenaline pushes him forward. Ross knows this, but he can’t really fight, he’s weak and he’s lost a lot of blood and Aaron knows he's trying his best to steady himself on his shoulders, trying to make Aaron’s job of running with him on his back as easy as possible.

 

 

There’s a abandoned building in his eyeline, and  he makes a beeline for it,  struggling with the weight of Ross slung over his shoulders. The windows are sealed with wood, there's no sign of life, and he's trying to retrace the trajectory of every bloody bullet to figure out if any one of those had originated from there.

 

He thinks about how his back was to the building the whole time, how he was never shot from behind, how he’s still breathing. That’s a clear enough sign for him that it’s the safest hiding place.

 

He lifts himself and Ross with a strength he never thought he had in him. His mind is one track. No distractions.

 

Steady steps.

 

Steady breathing.

 

Steady knees.

 

Steady back.

 

Steady breathing.

 

He paces towards safety, strong legs carrying them both. He notices stray bullets hitting the ground in front of him.

 

“Go Dingle, we got you covered”.

 

He looks towards his teammates as they’re running towards the direction of the last two fires and he looks ahead, painting an imaginary target to the door of the building. He runs, he runs, he breathes, his mind is completely empty. No motivation, no thought. Just the rubble beneath his boots and stray gunfire in the distance. It’s rare, but he can still hear the sound of fighting. It’s not over yet, and he can only dread of how it will end.

 

They make it inside.

 

Finally.

 

There’s rubble everywhere, parts of the ceiling smashed on the floor, old furniture with mould, brown and dark. He can see the dust through the cracks of the wooden panels, dancing around in the beams of sunlight. He looks around, hears Ross’ strained voice

 

 “Turn around…  There’s a room with no windows… Let’s go there.”

 

 

He does as Ross says and indeed, there are no windows there. He steadies Ross on the ground and pulls the first aid kit from his dust covered rucksack. He gives Ross some pain killers and the emergency antibiotic so that the wound doesn’t get infected. He works quickly and efficiently. There’s a bottle of medicinal alcohol that he uses to wash the wound, listening as Ross muffles his cries of pain.

 

“Mate, we have to clean it. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to burn. I need you to bite down on something because we can’t make any noise whatsoever. Got it?”

 

 

Ross nods and Aaron continues to clean the wound. Ross takes the strap of Aaron’s rucksack and puts it in his mouth. Aaron doesn’t hesitate to pour a quarter of the bottle on the bullet wound. Ross’ leg tightens and his entire body shivers in pain, as he continues to bite down. There's tears coming from his eyes again and Aaron uses his free hand to grab Ross by the back of his neck, dragging his eyes up to meet his own. He looks into them and reassures him that everything is going to be fine.

 

 

 

“Look at me, Barton! Look at me! Our team is scattered, and it’s just you and me right now. But we’re safe.” Aaron’s breathing is heavy, his voice low and hushed. “You’ll be fine. And we _will_ find a way out of here.”

 

His next words are to encourage Ross to fight, but Aaron knows that deep down, he needs them just as much as Ross does. “Listen. The fight is coming to an end. 217 has already run, and the area’s clean. They don’t have any business coming back here. They don’t know we’ve survived. They don’t know that we’re still here.”

 

He applies more pressure on the wound. ”They don’t care for us. They just needed to distract us as they made their getaway, okay?”

 

Ross winces in pain, his eyes squeezed shut and knuckles turning white. There’s sweat on his brow, tears on his cheek leaving trails in the dried blood and the sight just makes Aaron’s heart ache. But he nods, trusting Aaron with his life now. Not that he has any other choice, but still, it matters.

 

 

“Look at me, Ross, I'm talking to you.” Aaron’s voice drips with desperation. “What was that you always said to me? If I have something to tell you to come to your face and tell you. Well guess what. You’re not allowed to give up on me. You’re not allowed to die.”

 

Aaron feels the tears sting at the back of his eyes, swallows down the growing lump in his throat.

 

 “You’ll be at the base soon, with all those pretty nurses taking care of you.” He attempts a joke, but his laugh fails him. “Next week you’ll be back on that football field taking names and doing nasty faults to Adam. Just hold on for me, alright?”

 

Ross’ trembling stops, he lets go of the rucksack strap he was biting on and Aaron feels a different sort of energy coming from his eyes.

 

“Thanks Dingle,” He whispers, voice horse and eyes glossy. He smiles. “Just so we’re on the same page, when the cold night strikes, I'm the little spoon”.

 

Aaron laughs heartily, not expecting it. In any other situation he would have rolled his eyes at Ross, but relief washes over him.

 

“Who told you I'm a cuddler?!” Aaron retorts as he wipes Ross’ blood off his hands, hoping to keep the mood light.

 

“I read all about it in those letters, mate. You sounded like a pro.”

 

Aaron smiles again, before he’s frowning as Ross grimaces in pain. As he attempts to give him a second pain killer from the first aid kit, the food and water supplies catch his eye.

 

“Okay I have a full portion of food, a protein bar and about 0.7l of water. We’re okay.”

 

“Sound like you’ve organized a picnic there, Dingle”. Ross voices is still light, strained, but he wears his signature smirk.

 

“What we don’t have is a fucking radio.” Aaron complains, hand in his hair. “We need a radio to communicate our position to HQ so that they send out a search party for us. Choppers. None of this humvee crap. I've had enough driving to last me for this lifetime.”

 

“Do you reckon there’s more of it left, Aaron?” Ross voice is so soft, so honest, so shaky that is sends a chill down Aaron’s back. He looks down, catches Ross’ eye and shakes his head, taking a sharp breath before replying.

 

“We have a back up radio in one of the vehicles. We need to…” he stops, raises his eyebrows. “Well I need to get to one of them and pray to whatever god lives around this neck of the desert that it wasn’t blown up and we can still contact HQ.”

 

“It’s not safe out there, Dingle” Ross grabs Aaron’s arm to stop him as Aaron tries to get up.

 

“It’s not now but it will be. When the sun goes down, I'm heading out there. I have a bulletproof vest, I’ll be fine”.

 

“As thick as it is, your head surely ain’t bulletproof”. He smirks, but there's a seriousness to his words

 

Aaron lets out a faint smile as he gets up to check on the area. Silence. No movement. He can see dust from cars settling in the distance and he’s sure that the area’s been abandoned by the hostiles.

 

He looks at the time, three more hours till dusk. He needs to make his move at midnight, in case any hostiles have been left behind, so he can hide in the dark of the night and move quickly and swiftly.

 

He makes his way back over to the windowless room, darkness taking over him. He catches Ross with his head back against the wall, eyes fighting to stay open but failing.

 

“Oy! Barton you can’t sleep! I need you to be conscious, mate. You have to stay awake.”

 

Ross mumbles an inaudible reply, eyes still heavy and body weak.

 

Aaron makes his way over to him, removing his bulky jacket as he does so. He lays down next to Ross, head against the wall in the same position. He needs to keep him conscious, needs to keep him talking.

 

“Why are you here, Ross? You’ve hated every exercise we’ve ever had at the base. You snark all the leaders, God knows you’ve perfected your impressions of them so much that if I have my back turned on them, I don’t know if it’s you or not. Why are you risking your life for something you don’t have any respect for?”

 

Ross shrugs his shoulders and Aaron can see from the corner of his eye that it takes all his energy to do so. “I've got nothing else in my life.”

 

“Not even people back at home?” Aaron persists.

 

“No- Well, not anymore.” He says bitterly. He chances a look at Aarons eyes before looking back down at his injured leg. “There was Donna, we were engaged, but that whole long distance thing… I guess she couldn’t hack it.”

 

Aaron nods his head, remembering the stories. He tries to smile reassuringly.

 

“We can't all have some bloke pining for us back at home.” Ross spits, but it's more sad than bitter.

 

“There is no bloke.” Aaron replies. He’s not even sure why, but they’re here, they’re alone, and it’s going to be a long night.

 

“What about that bloke from the letters.” Ross asks, he seems more alert now, more interested in the conversation and Aaron’s thankful for the small victory.

 

“There is no bloke from the letters. Like you so nicely put, why would someone wait around for me?” Aaron shrugs, fingers playing with a stray piece of cotton on his trousers.

 

“No mate, trust me, he wouldn’t keep writing to you if he wasn’t serious. My bird couldn’t even drop me a text once a month.”

 

The words make Aaron sit up a little straighter, his heart beat a little faster. There’s no use on dwelling on what could've been when he may not even leave here alive tonight.

 

“It’s over now anyway.” Aaron shrugs once more, as though it’s casual and not burning inside his chest that Robert may never know that he was his last thought before he died.

 

“Thats a cop out and you know it.” Ross coughs, and Aaron pulls him up straighter to check that he’s okay. But he receives a light shove. “You’ve never been one to take the easy way out, Dingle.”

 

“You think it was easy for me? To cut the one good thing out of my life?” Aaron’s voice is a little more stern and Ross recoils slightly with the outburst.

 

“I think it’s easier than you actually fighting for what you want.” Ross replies looking bored of the conversation now.

 

“Piss off, Ross.” Aaron spits, anger radiating through him, but it’s more aimed at himself than Ross. He’s angry at how much the truth still hurts, no matter how much he wants to deny it.

 

“I'm just saying, if I had something worth fighting for back at home, I’d go for it. I’d be making sure I got out of here alive, just so they knew that.”

 

Ross lies his head back against the wall, obviously done with the conversation that has ignited Aaron’s thoughts.

 

His shoulder slump low as he sulks into himself, his fiery anger slowing turning to a sadness.

 

There's only one person he thinks about, only one person on his mind.

 

He wonders what Robert’s doing right now…  If he ever thinks about Aaron, if he misses him. He thinks about the reality of not making it out here alive. The gunshots may have been silenced, but Aaron’s not sure how much of a probability getting out alive is. He prays that there’s a working radio outside.

 

Would Robert care? Would he even find out? Would he come to his funeral wearing a black suit with his blonde hair flat and his eyes stung red.

 

Aaron’s heart wretches at the thought, a sadness taking over him.

 

He wishes he could hold Robert in his arms, and tell him he’s sorry.

 

He wishes he could feel the curve of his lips on his own once more.

 

If he gets out of here alive, he’s wonders if he’ll have the balls to tell him exactly how he feels, about how he’s been falling, falling, falling since they day he’s laid eyes on Robert, and how he’s never stopped…

 

But maybe it’s too late.

 

Aaron’s not sure how long they've sat in silence. Ross’ eyes are closed but his breathing is steady and he grumbles a curse everytime Aaron shoves him to make sure his awake.

 

The sun has set and there’s an eerie silence around them that sends a shiver through Aaron’s body.

 

It’s now or never.

 

He needs to get out of the building, and retrieve that radio. He needs to find help and get back alive. He needs to tell Robert. He needs him to know how he feels.

 

 

He shuffles his body to a standing position, feeling Ross’ eyes on him as he silently makes his way towards the other room where he can peek through the crack in the wooden slats.

 

He hears his name being called in a hushed whisper, he carefully makes his way back to the darkened room where Ross lays.

 

“What are you playing at?” The injured man asks, frowning in his direction.

 

“I need to get to that radio.” Aaron  replies, checking the security of his bulletproof vest and preparing himself.

 

“It’s not safe.” Ross says from his position on the floor.

 

“You said if you had something worth fighting for at home, you’d make sure you got out of here alive.” He explains, removing all of his gear for a faster approach. “Well, that’s what I'm doing.”

 

 

And with that, he’s making his way towards the door, leaving behind Ross’ hushed calls of his name.

 

 

It’s darker than he expected outside — the lack of street lamps and cars make the empty streets gloomy.

 

There's silence, deathly silence, as his feet crunch against the gravel and he accidently kicks at stray bullets.

 

The only light is the bright silver beam from the moon. He gazes up at it for a split second, heart big in his chest, and he lets the light guide him as he hurries towards where the humvees stand burnt to a crisp.

 

His eyes scan the area, bullets and shrapnel covering the floor and then he spots it, his heart jumping from his chest as he rushes over and grabs at the radio in a flush of panic.

 

 

He brings it close to his lips, tries to steady his breathing before he presses down on the button and speaks. “This is Delta Team 1. Mayday mayday!!” He waits a second, before adding “Does anyone copy? Over.”

 

There's static over the radio and it burns in his ears, more painful than the silence before. It’s feels like years without any response, but it’s only a few seconds. 1… 2…. 3…. 

 

“This is base. We copy. Over.”

 

Aaron’s body visibly relaxes with the sound of another human voice. He feels the tears fill in his eyes as his smile grows and he laughs with relief,  overwhelmed with pure joy.

 

“This is Delta Leader, we've been ambushed. Our vehicles have been destroyed but our team is safe.” Aaron speaking into the radio. “Alpha leader incurred blood loss due to a single entry bullet wound. He needs medical attention ASAP. Over”

 

He waits. He feels the tears tickling the corner of his eye but he doesn’t seem to care.

 

“Delta Leader stand by, we're triangulating your location. Over.”

 

“Sir, I've done nothing but stand by. I can do it for one more minute. Over.”

 

“Ok Delta Leader we have your coordinates. A search party will be with you after we’ve confirmed that the area is clear. Hang tight and give our regards to Alpha Leader. Over and out.”

 

“10-4”

 

Aaron’s knees buckle and he falls to the ground, letting the tears of joy finally fall, caressing his dust-stained cheeks.

 

He sighs, stretching out his neck back, eyes up to the sky and marvelling at the scatter of stars and the high moon shining over him. He feels like he can breathe for the first time today… He feels as if he’s got a second chance.

 

He thinks of Robert, a ghost of a smile on his lips as the thought passes.

 

He gives the moon once last glance, thankful to be alive.


	3. Chapter 3

**Nanyuki, Africa - January 2013**

Aaron doesn’t know what to expect when he’s called into the Sergeant’s office, but he nervously makes his way towards the closed door, his limp slowing him down as he takes the steps at a slow pace.

 

When he’s face to face with the tin metal door, all he can do is raise his shaky hands and knock lightly.

 

He’s summoned in and told to close the door behind him. Sergeant Collin’s mouth is straight, betraying no emotion.

 

“Sit.” He practically commands and Aaron can do nothing but nod and comply.

 

“How are you feeling today, Dingle?” Collins asks, putting the papers down on his desk and bringing his eyes up to meet Aaron’s nervous ones.

 

“Good, Serg.” Aaron coughs out under pressure. He’s been better.

 

“I just wanna start by saying good job in the field this week,” Collins tells him. “You showed true bravery. And without you, we could’ve had lot more fatalities on our hands.”

 

“T-thanks,” Aaron stutters out, unsure how to take the compliment. “But I was just doing what I’m trained to do.”

 

“You should be proud,” Collins continues. “You showed courage.”

 

Aaron just nods in silence, honoured to have such high praise. Sergeant Collins has been somewhat of a father figure to him since he joined the army, and coming from him it means a lot.

 

Collins clears his throat, and Aaron’s thoughts focus on him once more. “But that's not why I called you in here.”

 

“Oh?” Aaron lets out involuntarily, his hands clasped together in his lap, thumbs dancing around each other in a nervous manner.

 

“I’d be a terrible Sergeant if I failed to notice you haven’t been yourself in a while,” he beings and Aaron starts to shift uncomfortably in his seat.

 

“Your lack of concentration and morale has decreased dramatically. You’re a good worker Aaron, but I know when something is bothering one of my soldiers — be it something back home, or here between the squad. Or both.” Collins emphasises the last word, as if to ensure that Aaron knows what he’s referring to. “You’ve had a tough week. Why don’t you take the weekend? Go sort out your head, and then get back here Monday morning, the soldier I know you can be. That's an order.” 

 

Aaron gulps, feels Collins eyes bore into him as he stands from his desk and pushes out his hand towards him. Aaron does the same.

 

“Thanks Sir.” Aaron forces a smile as he shakes his sergeant’s hand firmly and turns towards the door,  exiting at a quick pace.

 

Once he’s out of the office, Aaron releases a breath he had no idea he was holding in. He closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them he knows exactly what he needs to do.

 

There’s no time for questioning or logical thoughts. There’s a flight he’s got to catch.

 

 

:::

 

**Leeds, UK - January 2013**

 

Aaron’s never really been one for romantic gestures. But as he sits on the plane, knee jerking and heart pounding, he realises just how ridiculous he is being.

 

Turning up at Robert’s door, unannounced and after months of silence isn’t exactly how he’d imagined their next meeting, but once he’s given the cab driver the address — and his pulse starts vibrating through his veins — he realises there's no going back now.

 

He’s running off the adrenaline coursing through his body, and his brain has been overridden by the frantic heart in his chest.  There’s electricity surging up from his toes and it makes him feel more alive than ever. The thought of seeing Robert again has him feeling positively ecstatic and before he knows it he’s ringing the doorbell and anxiously swaying from side to side.

 

He wonders if he’s changed; if his hair is a little longer, with the cold weather making his freckles all the more subtle. As the agonising wait wears on, he bites his lower lip, stretching out his fingers by his side. But soon enough, he hears the lock click and he doesn’t have to wonder any longer.

 

Suddenly he’s looking into those beautiful, sapphire-emerald eyes he remembers so well. And if it’s a shock to Aaron, who knew exactly what to expect, Robert looks absolutely dumbfounded.

 

It’s then Aaron realises he didn’t prepare anything to say. His mind still isn’t functioning and his body has been taken over by all those powerful emotions and urges he’s been suppressing for months now. He just cant help himself. He doesn't want to deny it anymore.

 

It feels like hours but its no longer than a few seconds as he watches Robert’s eyes grow wide and mouth hang open in shock. But before he can find the words, Aaron takes a small step forward, as though to test the water. His eyes never leave Robert’s as he takes another small step, and another, until he’s standing only a hair’s breadth away. As each breath of Robert’s hits Aaron’s lips, it becomes too much and he can’t control it anymore.

 

He pushes forward and grabs Robert’s face between his hands, kissing him with so much desperation and urgency that it’s hard to breathe.

 

Robert’s lips are motionless at first but it’s not long before his hands are tugging at Aarons jacket and he’s returning the kiss with just as much eagerness that Aaron stumbles back a little and Robert slips a hand around his waist to steady him.

 

It's everything and more than Aaron remembers, heat radiating from his lips and making them tingle with every second. There’s a comfort in the kiss that Aaron hasn’t felt in a long time and it makes him never want to let go. He darts his tongue out, and begs for access past Robert’s lips, but before he allows it, Aaron feels strong hands on his chest, pushing him backwards. His lips become icy cold with the loss of contact.

 

Of course it was too much to ask for Robert to just be ok with this.

 

Robert’s breathless and confused and he looks at Aaron with wide eyes once again before he finds some words behind his twisted tongue. “Aaron, what are y-”

 

“Robert?”

 

Both men are startled by a voice coming from inside Robert’s apartment. It’s loud and high pitched and distinctly female.

 

Aaron’s face fills with confusion the same time Robert’s fills with worry, but there's no time for questions to be asked.

 

“Oh, Sorry.”

 

The voice suddenly has a face; beautiful and sharp, framed by long brunette hair. Aaron’s not sure what emotion is on his face as he takes her in, but he’s positive it’s not welcoming.

 

The woman laughs a little, putting a delicate, manicured hand to her chest, and linking the others in Robert’s arm.

 

“Who’s this?” She asks Robert, but her eyes are still on Aaron. Suddenly he feels tiny under her gaze.

 

Aaron chances a glance at Robert, but his eyes are filled with dread, his face paling significantly. His eyes don’t meet Aaron’s as he swallows hard and opens his mouth.

 

“Aaron.”

 

The brunette smiles but stays silent, waiting for one of them to explain in more detail.

 

Aaron goes to open his mouth, not really sure what he’s going to say. But he’s cut off by Robert instantly.

 

“He’s a mate.”

 

It pierces through Aaron like a freshly sharpened dagger, and he practically recoils backwards. He tries to catch Robert’s eyes but they’re cemented to the floor. He blinks in shock as the words sink in.

 

He feels physically sick, nausea travelling up from his stomach, with an ache in his chest that can’t quite be explained. He doesn’t have time to process it all before the woman on Robert’s arm is smiling widely and shoving her small hand out in front of him.

 

Suddenly it all starts to make sense.

 

“Aaron, pleasure to meet you.” She beams, and Aaron takes her hand in his own limp one and shakes, all while looking at Robert. “I’m Chrissie. Rob never told me he had a friend in the Army.”

 

It’s only then that Robert finally looks up, a forced and pained smile on his face and Aaron can’t actually believe what he’s witnessing; doesn’t know whether to be upset or angry, doesn't know if he’s got the right.

 

“Well, invite him in for a coffee at least,” Chrissie insists, with a light slap to Robert’s arm and he quickly pales at the very idea.

 

“I’m good, honestly,” Aaron replies quickly, all gruff and choked out, his voice betraying him.

 

“Nonsense!” Chrissie persists, “I know so few of Robert’s friends!”

 

She drops her arm from where it is hooked around Robert’s arm and ushers Aaron inside the flat he knows so well.

 

“Chris, I’m sure Aaron’s-” Robert begins in a desperate attempt to stop either of them interacting, but he’s cut off by Chrissie asking Aaron how many sugars he takes.

 

Aaron lets her lead him into the apartment, eyes desperately looking back at Robert, who looks as though he feels his pain. Like he wishes he could stop any of this happening.

 

“So, how did you two meet?” Chrissie's asks while fiddling with some mugs, and it’s the first time that Robert looks at Aaron since she appeared.

 

His eyes are wide and pleading, he looks panicked, and Aaron wants to be angry but he can’t find it in himself to drop him in it.

 

“Oh. Erm, just mutual friends,” Aaron lies, and Robert looks as though he can tell how much it pains him to do so. He awkwardly scratches the back of his neck and loses eye contact with Robert.

 

Robert lets out a breath, his shoulders relaxing a little. But he still looks like a deer trapped in headlights.

 

“Oh, you should join us tonight! Wouldn’t that be wonderful, Robert?” Chrissie smiles while putting a mug down in front of Aaron and making herself comfy in Robert’s apartment.

 

The question makes Robert physically tense again, he struggles to form a sentence that isn’t full of stutters.

 

“I’m sure Aaron’s busy tonight.”

 

The statement makes Aaron curious, he sets down his mug and something inside him prompts him to speak up.

 

“Whats tonight?” He asks, directing the question at Robert. But it’s Chrissie who eventually answers.

 

“Our engagement party!” She beams, red lips spread wide and eyes glistening. It’s then Aaron notices the ring on her finger and he’s glad he’d put down the mug or there would probably be shatters of ceramic on the floor right now.

 

“Y-you're engaged?” He asks, probably a little more surprised than he should sound.

 

“Yes! Finally,” she laughs, the tension in the air completely lost on her. Aaron’s eyes find Robert’s in a desperate bid for more information.

 

He’s looking at him this time, head bowed and from the side, but he’s actually looking at Aaron and the only thing Aaron can see is eyes full of guilt and apology.

 

It kills him.

 

He stands, almost knocking over the stool he was sat on. He attempts to keep his emotions together, at least until he’s alone.

 

“I’m sorry, I really should get going,” he lies again. His throat feels like it's closing up when he swallows and there's a familiar stinging sensation at the back of his eyes.

 

“You’ve only just got here.I've got so many questions.” Chrissie says, still smiling.

 

“He’s gotta go, Love.”

 

It’s Robert. Finally speaking up, his own voice strained and tight.

 

Chrissie lets out a sigh, accepting Aaron’s lie but not before reminding him once more of how she’s about to marry the love of _his_ life. “It’s in the town hall tonight: 7:00 PM. It’d be so lovely if you could make it!”

 

Aaron grabs at his bag, forcing out a smile in reply. He hovers awkwardly, waiting for Robert to speak, to look at him, to do something. But it never comes. He attempts one last look at him before he practically races out the door and out into the fresh air.

 

Once he’s outside he finally gets to breathe, head back against the wall and what’s left of his heart beating hard against his chest.

 

He shakes his head, blinks back the tears when it all finally sinks in.

He’s lost Robert.

 

 

:::

 

Aaron’s not sure why he’s here; in his worn-out jeans and black jumper combo, staring up at the large wooden doors, a drizzle of rain starting to fall in ever-so-typical English fashion.

 

He’s not sure why he stayed exactly, booking a last minute hotel instead of a plane ticket back.

 

He’s not sure what he expects.

 

But he’s about to find out.

 

 

 

He gets a suspicious look as he enters the brightly lit ballroom, where he’s surrounded by bowties and cocktail dresses. It’s the epitome of elegance and grace. Aaron suddenly feels inferior.

 

 

He’d thought about coming all afternoon, once the tears had dried and his heart rate had calmed down. Everything in his mind told him to stay away, that every possible outcome was a bad one. But every beat of his heart knew different.

 

He scans the room, avoids some fancy seafood dish offered to him on a platter but gladly accepts the free champagne.

 

He’s lost in a sea of people, his eyes only looking for one person, his heart palpitates once he’s found him.

 

Despite the crowded room, Aaron spots him; Robert suddenly the only thing he sees.

 

 _He looks breathtaking_ , Aaron thinks, scanning over his well-fitted suit and the black bow tie around his neck. His blonde hair is styled out of his face elegantly and his smile is wide, but doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Aaron can see the sparkle missing from across the room. Once again, he regrets coming. But how can he walk away when Robert looks like _that_?

 

He takes a sip of his drink, mouth suddenly painfully dry. He wants to divert his gaze, doesn’t want to be caught staring, but it’s impossible to do so. He’s immersed in Robert, in everything he remembers and everything he’d hoped for. So he stays staring.

 

Watching him is almost surreal after months of simply imagining. He stares from afar as Robert smiles and shakes hand with many different people, all of whom look professional, many of which are older businessmen. One, Aaron assumes, is Chrissie’s father from the proud look on his face and the way he presses a kiss to her cheek.

 

There’s more smiles and laughter from Robert, but it’s all unfamiliar to Aaron. It’s not the one he remembers, not the laugh he’s been dreaming about for months.

 

It sounds forced and painted, like the smile Robert’s been wearing all night, filling Aaron with all these burning questions.  

 

He’s not sure how long he spends simply watching, taking in all that is Robert; watching as he mingles with more people from work, noticing the slight grimace on his face every time he’s greeted by another person, recognising the clench of his jaw as he shakes another hand, something so subtle and so Robert that it completely flies over the head of everyone else. Especially his wife-to-be.

 

It irritates Aaron, the more he watches. He wants to stop, wants to tear his gaze away and leave right now, but there’s something so infatuating about it that he can’t help but keep staring, his blood becomes hotter and hotter, anger radiating through him.

 

He’d spent the whole day beating himself up over not being happy for Robert, for letting his jealousy and sadness overtake his love, and how he should be happy for him if he truly loves him. It makes what he’s witnessing all the more infuriating. 

 

He puts down his champagne flute and turns to leave when he feels a hand on his arm stopping him.

 

“Aaron.”

 

He’s more disappointed than he should be when the voice he hears is female.

 

He turns and is met with Chrissie’s deep brown eyes, glowing with affection.

 

She looks beautiful in her gown, Aaron can’t deny that.

 

“Hi,” he tries to smile at her, but he’s sure it looks more like a grimace.

 

“I’m so glad you came,” She says honestly, making Aaron feel even worse.

 

“Yeah, I was actually just-”

 

“Does Robert know you're here?” Chrissie asks and the mention of his name makes Aaron look in his direction once more, only this time he’s met with a pair of eyes staring back.

 

Robert’s got panic on his face again, his eyes boring into Aaron’s until Chrissie is drawing his attention back to her.

 

“Come on, I’m sure he’ll be happy to have at least one friend here!” Chrissie insists, and Aaron can’t fault her friendliness. He almost hates her for it.

 

“Uh, I’m just… gonna grab a drink.” Aaron stutters out. His neck feels hot under his collar and the room feels smaller than it did seconds ago. He doesn’t give her another glance as he almost races to the bar and orders something strong.

 

He takes a breath once he’s alone, both hands flat on the bar and his head ducked down as he calms his racing heart and heightening nerves. He’s certain now. He never should have come.

 

Before he can think about it further, his arm is being pulled again, startling him for the second time tonight, and quickly becoming annoying.

 

But this time, the hand is stronger, its grip more firm, and when he looks up, he’s overwhelmed by blonde features and light freckles, like specks of glitter catching his eye and he can’t help but let his feet allow him to be helplessly dragged through a door.

 

The closing door completely blocks out the sound of the party, and suddenly Aaron is very aware of the silence. It’s overbearing as Robert stands with his back to him, only a couple of feet in front. Aaron notices his tense shoulders, the way his hand is pinching at the bridge of his nose, and he wants to reach out and touch him but he refrains.

 

“What are you doing here, Aaron?” Robert says, finally breaking the silence and turning to face him.

 

Aaron takes a moment to let the question digest, simply watches the different emotions flash over Robert’s face, and he remembers the anger he felt before.

 

“I’m here to celebrate your engagement, mate.” He spits bitterly. He knows he must sound ridiculously jealous, but he’s starting to care less by the second.

 

Robert sighs, sad and exhausted, and Aaron’s heart aches again, feeling too many emotions at once.

 

“You can’t be here.” Robert says sadly, his eyes finally connect with Aaron’s and they’re soft, glossy.

 

“I was invited.” Aaron replies calmly, he’s not even sure why he says it.

 

This forces another sigh from Robert. He takes a step closer to Aaron, it’s dangerous territory. He asks one more time.

 

“What are you doing here, Aaron?”

 

And suddenly it's not about the party anymore.

 

Feeling the pressure of the question, Aaron lets his eyes fall from where they’re locked with Robert’s because he can’t take the pleading look in them.

 

“Does she know? About us?” He asks gingerly, eyes slowly travelling back up to meet Robert’s deeper blue ones now.

 

“No.” He states simply, but his voice betrays him.

 

“Does she know that you’re unhappy?” Aaron tries again, ignoring the sting of the previous answer.

 

“What?” Robert asks, its quick and defensive and Aaron already regrets goading him.

 

“You’re not happy Robert, I can tell. I know you.” Aaron explains, their eyes still locked.

 

“Know me? How could you possibly know anything about _me_?!”

 

It’s nasty and bitter as Robert spits it out and it’s everything Aaron deserves but that’s not to say it still doesn’t hurt.

 

“Rob-” Aaron tries but he’s cut short.

 

“No. How dare you turn up here, out of the blue, after _months_ of silence, and have the audacity to say that I’m not happy. You have no right!” Robert’s voice gradually raises in volume. “ _You’re_ the one that shut me out… Not me. And now you come back here and tell me I’m not happy? What would _you_ even know about happiness?”

 

Robert’s voice breaks towards the end, and he forces himself to break eye contact with Aaron.

 

But Aaron refuses to look away, even as his lips tremble and his shoulders tense with emotion, unwilling to back down. His lashes became damp as he forcefully blinks his tears away. He gives into his heart as it screams in his chest.

 

“I know I was happy _here_ ,” he replies, sad with defeat. His shoulders slump and his heart aches, as he adds, “With you.”

 

“So happy you stopped writing to me? You completely ghosted me for months, Aaron!”

 

Robert’s the angry one now, face filling with rage and eyes red with unshed tears.

 

“Robert.” Aaron attempts to take a step forward but it only prompts Robert to take a step back. He looks at the ceiling to get rid of his tears before his eyes come back to Aaron's own glossy ones.

 

“No.” Robert demands once his emotions are in control. “I wrote to you Aaron. I wrote for weeks and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you didn’t want me. I was so worried that you were hurt or-” Robert has to stop when his voice cracks, a lone tear straying from the corner of his eye. “I couldn’t wait forever, Aaron.”

 

“It’s not that I didn’t want you.” Aaron promises, hopes his voice comes across as honest as his words. Robert scoffs. “It’s that I wanted you too much.”

 

“You have a funny way of showing it.” Robert says bitterly, and it’s like another knife through the heart for Aaron.

 

“I’m here aren’t I?” Aaron protests, flinging his hands up in the air, his frustration getting the better of him. “At this ridiculous engagement party that your _fiance_ invited me to. Do you even know half those people out there?”

 

He’s becoming more physical with each word, hands everywhere and shoulders tensing.

 

“They’re our work colleagues.” Robert replies, but it sounds more defeated and without fight.

 

“Our?” Aaron asks, suddenly intrigued.

 

“Yeah, we work together, me and Chrissie. Her dad’s my boss.”  Robert says sheepishly, eyes to the ground, because he just knows what Aaron’s reaction will be.

 

There’s a chuckle, bitter and short, before Aaron’s hand comes up and rubs at his jawline like he always does in shock.

 

“So, you’re in it for the money then?” He asks, tone harsh, eyes dark and words like acid.

 

“Of course not. I love Chrissie.” Robert spits back and Aaron’s not sure if he’s trying to convince himself or Aaron but the words still sting like salt on a wound.

 

“Sure.” Aaron replies sarcastically, knowing it will get Robert’s back up.

 

“I love her, ok!” Robert shouts, taking a challenging step towards Aaron, Robert’s eyes narrowing in on his.

 

“You can’t!” Aaron involuntarily screams back, knowing he’s not making sense but there’s so much adrenaline pumping through his body. He can’t stop the words that are so desperately trying to be spoken.

 

Suddenly, it’s not enough. Words aren’t enough to express the feeling that has got hold of his heart.

 

“Why?” Robert shouts back and Aaron's mind is too slow in comparison to his heart and before he knows it, it’s slipped out of his mouth in an angry rage full of falling tears.

 

“Because I love you.”

 

It makes him feel powerful and weak all at once as he watches Robert digest the words.

 

“I love you.” He repeats and it feels abnormal out loud but it doesn’t stop him.

 

Robert stares into Aaron’s eyes as they burn with anger and he desperately seeks out for answers but words fail him.

 

His mouth opens and closes, but he can’t seem to get past the stuttering. His eyes search all of Aaron's face before they linger on his lips. The look that comes after is enough for Aaron to close the small gap between them and grab Robert’s face.

 

He cranes his neck, pulling Robert’s lips down on his own; into a kiss that says more than either of their words could ever. He puts his everything into it, hoping it shows Robert the extent of his feelings. Robert quickly reciprocates, his hands gripping at Aaron’s waist and his tongue darting out to break past Aaron’s lips and take control.

 

It makes Aaron feel light headed, like a drug he’s been refused for so long, the high only heightening by the second. He lets himself be pushed, back hitting a wall as his hands move from stroking across Robert’s sharp jawline to make their home at the nape of his neck, fingertips relishing in Robert’s soft hair.

 

He needs to come up for air but he never wants to be without Robert’s lips again; they’re like ecstasy, making every part of his body vibrate as their bodies fight for closeness.

 

It reminds him of their kiss on Robert’s doorstep the first time he flew to Leeds, full of passion and desperation, screaming with so much want and vulnerability. Aaron’s desperate for more.

 

He feels Robert moan into his lips, making them vibrate and sending a shiver down Aaron’s spine as he feels Robert’s thigh brush against his crotch. He can't contain himself anymore.

 

His hands slip from Robert’s hair. They caress over his shoulder blades and down his back slowly. Fingertips savouring every curve before they settled on the leather of Robert’s belt and Aaron begins to pull.

 

It’s eager and aggressive, makes Aaron lose concentration on Robert’s lips and move along from the corner of his mouth to his jaw. His hands work quickly at Robert’s belt, unbuttoning his slacks with ease seconds later and slipping his hand into the warm confinement, cupping Robert in his palm and sighing at the feel. 

 

Robert pulls back, his eyes wide and eyebrows high as he looks at Aaron’s disappointed face.

 

“Wait.” He says breathlessly, his chest rising at incredible speed and his head heavy on his shoulders. “This isn't right.”

 

Aaron’s face pales as his eyes fall from desire to despair and suddenly he’s panicked and heading for the door.

 

“I’m sorry. I should go.” Aaron says quickly, his tears burning once more and the nausea in his stomach rising.

 

He rushes out the door, leaving his heart behind with calls of his name.

 

 

:::

 

It’s not until he’s outside, pushing past the crowds and almost falling out the door that he really feels the pain.

 

It’s like shatters of his heart are falling and he clutches his chest as he chokes on the fresh air.

 

Only Robert could make him feel this way.

 

His first thought is to get away.

 

Far, far away.

 

 

 

The wetness on his face could be mistaken for raindrops, but Aaron knows otherwise. The stinging in his eyes show his true sadness. He lets it drench over him, pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his fingertips as it soaks through to his body. The shiver that runs through him is the only sign he still feels anything at all.

 

It’s loud rain, the type that bounces off the floor and clings to his eyelashes. It’s all he hears as he keeps his head down, shoulders slumped and chest empty.

 

It’s why he doesn’t hear footsteps frantically splashing in the puddles behind him.

 

It’s why he’s startled when a large hand lands on his bicep and spins him quickly.

 

It’s why when familiar lips connect with his, it tastes of salty tears and musky water.

 

He’s stunned as Robert pulls him and kisses him like his life depends on it; a gesture that obviously couldn’t wait for shelter or words, making it all the more perfect.

 

Aaron kisses back hard, lips hurting and teeth clashing, but he doesn’t give it a second thought, kissing the droplets away from Robert’s lips. His hands are back where they belong, tracing the length of Robert’s jaw, feeling the wetness of his hair and they have no care for anyone around who may see.

 

Robert’s hands cling to Aaron’s waist, pulling him closer so their toes bump and pelvises touch. But all Aaron can think about is how soft Robert’s lips are as he tastes the whiskey on his tongue.

 

Robert pushes his lips more firmly and it intoxicates Aaron, has him curling his toes and clutching at skin. He begins to feel light headed and as much as he doesn’t want to, he reluctantly pulls away from Robert’s lips, releasing a low groan from Robert and a breathless sigh from himself.

 

Aaron’s eyes are wide as he takes him in: droplets of water hanging off his luscious blonde hair, the perfect style from earlier now flat and ruined against his forehead. It’s like Aaron remembers; fresh out of the shower and kisses on his naked body.  

 

Robert’s white shirt is now see-through, clinging to his toned chest and making Aaron’s mouth run dry. He shivers in Aarons grip, teeth chattering and body vibrating as Aaron notes the lack of Jacket.

 

There's a soft smile on Robert’s face, one that Aaron’s almost certain he is mirroring and instead of warming him like it normally does, it makes him feel like ice as bitter confusion takes over.

 

“What are you playing at Robert?” He asks, but it’s not as harsh as earlier. It’s sad and defeated and desperate for answers.

 

“I love you.” Robert says over the rain, eyes squinting through the downpour. But Aaron can still note the honesty and love in them and it almost knocks him back.

 

“W-what?”

 

“I love you.” Robert repeats, stepping closer to Aaron and taking his face in his hand. He reaches up and brushes back a wet curl off Aaron’s face all while keeping their eyes connected.

 

“I think I've loved you since that weekend we spent over at mine, but I was just- It scared me. Because I thought we had something real. I thought we were building a life together and you just… You just stopped writing and it broke me,” Robert’s voice breaks, and Aaron leans into his hand more. “I didn’t know if I would ever hear from you or see you again. Do you know what that felt like? To not know if you were still alive? Only then, after months of not hearing _anything_ , you turn up at my door and you kiss me, and it’s the most alive and excited I've felt in _months_.”

 

Robert’s voice raises over the rain, loud and pleading. “I should be feeling guilty. I should be back at that party toasting to my new future. But I can’t. I can’t do it. Because you’re it for me, Aaron. You’re all that I want.” 

 

He lets out a shaky breath, and Aaron recognises it as a sigh of release, months of unspoken words breaking free. It’s exactly how he’d felt back at the party. 

 

But it doesn’t stop him from feeling stunned, mouth slightly ajar and catching falling raindrops as his eyes bore into Robert’s honest, loving ones. It makes the dead butterflies erupt in the pit of his stomach.

 

Robert smiles, once he’s regained his breath and the words have settled into the night rain. He leans his head forward a little, resting his forehead upon Aaron’s. Aaron watches as his eyes slowly fall shut, smile still soft on his lips and chest falling frantically.

 

“Say something,” Robert almost whispers into the air, his hot breath tingling Aarons lips as his own eyes flutter shut.

 

“You’re all I want too,” Aaron admits, scary but honest.

 

He opens his eyes, and Robert does the same, as if they communicated with just their beating hearts now as one.

 

Aaron’s met with a larger smile now, it almost looks relieved and uncontrollable and he can’t help but mirror as he pushes his lips forward into a soft kiss that lingers for an eternity.

 

Robert pulls back, once his lips are let go. Their foreheads disconnect but their bodies stay touching. Each limb connected with another from their chests, to their hands to their toes, nudging through shoes in puddles.

 

 

“I think I have a few things to sort out.” Robert speaks, breaking the silence. He sounds worried, as though he's afraid to ruin the mood.

 

Suddenly, Aaron’s anxious and tense.

 

“Right…” He speaks slowly, dragging out the word in hopes of spending just a few seconds more with Robert in his arms.

 

“I-,” Robert nods back towards the building, where the party in his honour is still in full swing. He looks nervous, sad. Aaron can’t seem to read him.

 

“I’m staying at the B&B.” is all he can think to say, Robert nods, but he stays silent. It’s killing Aaron to not know his thoughts.

 

Robert’s hands finally drop from Aarons waist, it feels like ice over a fresh burn. Guilt takes over Robert features — only Aaron's not sure who’s it for.

 

“You know where I’ll be,” He pauses, lets out a strangled breath. “Whatever you decide.”

 

He attempts to make his voice sound neutral, but the tear that falls from his eye deceives him.

 

Robert nods in reply, rain slickened hair making him look younger and more vulnerable than he usually does. The raindrops that cover him sparkle in the moonlight as Aaron watches him reluctantly turn and drag his feet back towards the building without looking back.

 

Aaron silently prays it’s not the last time he has the pleasure of Robert’s company.

 

:::

 

 

The rain has faded into a slow patter on the window pane. It’s the only sound filling the room.

 

Aaron would usually find comfort in the noise, but tonight it reminds him of a grenade, ticking away until the final blow comes.

 

He waits patiently, sat on the edge of the hotel bed, fiddling his fingers between one another.

 

He’ll occasionally stands up, paces, looks out the window, before returning back bed.

 

Room service has already knocked twice, making his nerves go into overdrive as he’s refused the offer of more towels.

 

It’s past midnight, his insecurities growing with each minute, leaving him wondering if he’ll ever be someone’s first choice.

 

Despite the homey setup and central heating, the room feels cold and lonely.

 

Aaron lets his eyes fall close, a slow and lingering blink as he inhales through his nose and tries to think of positives.

 

He’s startled by a knock on the door, light and quiet through the raindrops.

 

His heart leaps, then sinks to his stomach as he nervously stands to his feet, trying his best not to get his hopes up.

 

His palms are clammy as he reaches the handle. It slips through his grip before he tightens it and slowly pulls open the door, holding his breath as he does so…

 

His eyes settle as the rain rings loud in his ears.

 

 It’s Robert.

 

He’s still soaked through with rain, bow tie hung loose and untied around his neck, hair caressing his forehead and an unreadable look on his face. But it’s him.

 

Aaron doesn’t know what to say, once their eyes connect and he’s notices the red in Robert’s glossed ones.

 

So he waits.

 

It’s feels like forever, the rain drops still dripping off Robert as he stands in the doorway, and he finally finds his voice.

 

“I told her I couldn’t do it… That I loved someone else, that I loved you.”

 

Before Aaron has a chance to process his words he’s captivated by Robert’s lips. Realising his eyes are wide open, he shuts them, letting himself sink into Robert and the rhythm of his lips. He’s overwhelmed by the sensation, by the feelings and emotions he’s trying to convey with his lips. It stays low and passionate, with an intensity Aaron’s never felt before.

 

His lungs feel tight and his head starts to spin as Robert fills his senses. He has to take a step back, disconnect his lips from Robert’s. They make a loud popping noise as they separate, with Robert pushing forward to reconnect them with urgency, his hands clinging on to Aaron’s waist.

 

“You chose me.” Aaron breathes out.

 

His eyes bore into Robert’s, he can’t believe he’s stood here, kissing him. He’s not sure what it all means, and it’s treading on terrifying as he watches Robert’s confused face break into a soft smile, his eyes filling with so much love that radiates off of Aaron.

 

“It was never a choice.” Robert states, eyes never leaving Aaron’s, his smile wide.

 

Aaron believes him, truly believes him. 

 

There’s no more questions, no more doubts. 

 

Aaron feels weightless as they reconnect their lips, Robert’s large hands pulling at his hips, driving Aaron wild and making him feel secure all at once. His hands grab at Robert’s biceps and hold on for dear life, never wanting to let go as he walks them backwards towards the bed.

 

There's a passion burning inside Aaron, his kisses are sloppy and his hands roam skin but it works, nothing has ever felt more natural.

 

He drops down onto the bed, pulls Robert with him as their chests crash against each other and Robert shuffles so he ends up on his side next to Aaron, hand cupping at his face and rubbing over his stubble.

 

It reminds Aaron of their first time. A strange bed, a strange room, only this time Robert’s not a stranger.

 

Robert is the love of his life.

 

Although there’s no urgency this time. Their hands are gentle, kisses lingering and and as much as Aaron wants to experience all of Robert at once, he knows he’s got time — maybe even forever.

 

Robert’s shirt is lost first, peeled off his body where the rain begins to dry and tossed to the floor, and Aaron pulls at his soft cotton shirt and does the same with so much ease and comfort that he's never felt with someone before.

 

Roberts lips are on Aaron’s neck before he’s even finished kicking off his trousers. A hand on his jaw, another  travelling softly down his torso.

 

It’s new to Aaron. Most people he’s been intimate with either don’t see this part of him or actively avoid it.

 

But not Robert.

 

He kisses at his neck, bites at his collarbone as his hand caresses down the side of his body, into the curve of his waist and over the dip on his hip that’s still covered by thin sweatpants. 

 

Robert grins into Aaron’s neck, he feels the heat and wetness as he cups Aaron through the thin material that is now tenting, and Aaron lets out such an ungodly moan that Robert has to pull back and make sure he’s ok.

 

Aaron opens his eyes, his brow knitting and he notes the concern in Roberts own blues.

 

“It’s been a while.” Aaron laughs deep from his throat.

 

Robert smirks back, eyes lighting up and what looks like ideas filling his mind.

 

“Better make up for lost time then.” He raises his eyebrow suggestively before capturing Aaron’s top lip and kissing him with all that he’s got.

 

It makes Aaron twitch in Roberts hand and back arch before they’ve even touched skin.

 

The rain can’t be heard anymore, the growing sound of moans and heavy breathing filling the empty room.

 

They take their time. Exploring every inch, remembering every curve, putting on a show for the stars peering through the window.

 

Robert constantly amazes him, remembering how much he likes it when he curls his tongue like that, or when his hands are pinned above his head, neck exposed to kisses that are painful in the most exciting of ways.

 

He never thought he would feel this good again — never thought he’d make another feel this way.

 

But there’s a moan escaping Roberts lips when he digs his fingernails into his ass cheeks and takes a nipple between his teeth that Aaron’s sure they heard in Manchester.

 

He kisses the star shaped freckles on Roberts back as it arches. The ones that have filled his dreams for months.

 

They never say, “Stop” or “Wait.” They say, “Please” and “More.”

 

The “I love you’s” aren’t spoken of again. Instead they’re proven, through kisses and soft caresses, replaced with “I need you’s” and “You’re amazing” and it’s more than enough.

 

It’s perfect.

 

It’s still dark once they finish, all exhausted limbs and hooded eyes, despite the hour closing in on morning.

 

Aaron’s facing the window, a strong arm draped over his hips and legs entwined with his.

 

He should feel tired, but his eyes refused to close, his mind refuses to shut off. 

 

He’s distracted from his own thoughts by a kiss on the back.

 

It’s soft, light, and he feels the curve of Roberts lip perfectly as he places another closer to his neck, then his shoulder blade.

 

There’s been a lingering silence for a while now that’s haunting Aaron.

 

He slips out from under Robert's arm and pulls the covers back, making his way over to the window in only his briefs.

 

“Aaron?” Robert questions - it sounds worried but Aaron won’t turn round to find out.

 

“How did she take it?” He asks, back still to Robert as he hears footsteps behind him.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Robert sighs and Aaron feels it in his back before the strong arms are sneaking around his waist and hugging him from behind. Another kiss on his shoulder blade, which is quickly replaced by Robert’s chin.

 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron tells him. .

 

He lets himself be turned, met with Robert’s furrowed brow and pouted lip. “What are you sorry for?”

 

“For making you choose. That wasn’t fair of me.” Aaron admits, the worry of it burning at him for hours. His eyes turn to the floor to avoid Roberts.

 

“I told you,” Robert starts, lifting Aaron’s chin and capturing his eyes. “When you’re an option, there’s never a choice.”

 

A smile twitches at his lips which makes Aaron’s own curve up.

 

“So what now?” Aaron asks, the dreaded question he knows has been itching at both of them all night.

 

“Now,” Robert smiles, “We go back to bed, and we deal with it in the morning, yeah?”

 

He raises his eyebrows waiting for Aaron to nod in agreement. When he does, he kisses his forehead, grabbing his hand and pulling him back under the covers. 

 

Aaron falls asleep on Robert’s chest almost instantly.

 

:::

 

 

Robert’s grip on on Aaron’s waist is evidence enough that he’s scared to let him go again; as much as Aaron’s scared to leave again.

 

Robert traces patterns on the skin of Aaron’s naked hip, the movements not sexual, but calming.

 

They stay like that all morning; Robert refusing reality, Aaron wanting as much of him as he can get.

 

“I really hate these 24 hour visits,” Robert chuckles when there’s a lull in conversation. He looks deep in thought and Aaron can’t take his eyes off him as the winter sun shines through the window illuminating the room.

 

“Me too.” Aaron complains back into Robert’s shoulder.

 

“When does your deployment end?” Robert asks tentatively. They haven’t really spoke about the complications, acting in impulse like they always do.

 

“June,” Aaron confirms and he watches Robert’s face drop a little at the realisation.

 

“5 months.”

 

It’s not a question, more the reality of the situation — another five months without Aaron.

 

“And then I’ll come home, to you.”

 

It’s everything he’s wanted to say since he last saw Robert. A weight of his shoulders as it rolls off his tongue.

 

Robert smiles shyly at Aaron’s words, before stealing a kiss.

 

“To me,” He repeats, and suddenly it looks like all his worries have disappeared.

 

:::

 

Robert refuses to take “No” as an answer when he insists on taking Aaron to the airport.

 

They hover outside Check In, knowing that once Aaron’s through the gates it will be five long months before they get to experience each other in person once again.

 

Aaron’s swaying, bag dropped to the floor as he takes in all of Robert. With his hair flat and the bright lights of the airport making his freckles stand out and pupils shine more than before, he looks younger beyond his years.

 

He’s scared, Aaron can see it in him.

 

He can’t keep his hands still and his eyes shift at any opportunity.

 

Aaron would be lying if he said the unknown didn’t scare him either.

 

After a long silence, Robert sighs. He pulls Aaron by the hips so they’re closer, he stares into his eyes and tries to mask his sadness with a smile. Aaron’s hands rub up and down his forearms in a comforting manner.

 

“I love you,” Robert breathes out, as though it’s been playing on his lips for hours.

 

It’s the first time those words have been spoken without shouting and desperation.

 

“And I love you,” Aaron repeats reassuringly. He lets Robert rest his forehead against his own, closing his eyes as he just soaks up in the moment.

 

They stay like that for a while longer, perfectly silent as they breathe each other in, chests rising and falling with every heartbeat. They have no care for the hundreds of people passing them by…

 

This is theirs.

 

 

Robert leans forward, takes Aaron’s lips in a desperate kiss before they release, leaving Robert lingering for a second too long, nose still grazing Aaron’s cheek with a lazy smile on his face.

 

Aaron snakes his arms around Robert’s waist and pulls him close to his body. His chin fits perfectly in the crook of Robert’s neck, nose toying at skin and remembering the scent that illuminates him and has come to mean home.

 

It’s emotional as they part, and Aaron can’t help but laugh as he rubs at his nose and swallows the lump in his throat.

 

The word “idiots” comes to mind but he can’t seem to care.

 

Robert does his best to mask it as he always does. But the telltale redness around his eyes and the quivering lip gives him away.

 

Aaron reaches around his neck, unclasping the chain around it while Robert looks on in confusion. He holds Robert’s hand and brings it up, turning it over so his palm is facing up. Aaron drops something into it.

 

Robert furrows his brow before examining the gift and realising the familiarity of Aaron’s dog tags. His face softens with the realisations.

 

“Four months,” Aaron says, and Robert looks up from his hands. He mirrors his words from last night. “And then I’ll come home, to you.”

 

He watches Robert’s hands clasp the dog tags in his hand. A symbol of commitment. A promise to come home. 

 

“Home.” Robert agrees with a nod of the head. “I’ll miss you.”

 

“I’ll miss you too.”

 

There’s an announcement for the Check In gate closing and Aaron’s heart hurts at the realisation he has to leave now.

 

Roberts face falls as he hears it to.

 

“Bye, Robert.” Aaron smiles, slinging his bag over his shoulder and forcing his feet to move.

 

“Stay safe, Aaron.” Robert smiles knowingly and Aaron’s heart jumps in his chest as he takes one last lingering look at the beautiful man he’s somehow managed to call his.

 

“Always,” Aaron returns the smile, before his has to force himself to look away and disappear through the gate with only memories and promises to keep him company.

 

 

 

 

Once Aaron’s settled on the plane, clouds surrounding him and sun shining through the window, he finally lets himself breathe, a smile playing on his lips.

 

He roots around in his bag, attempting to find his headphones, when something familiar catches his eye.

 

It’s piece of paper, folder perfectly and tucked neatly into the side of his bag. He frowns before pulling it out and opening it up.

 

He recognises the handwriting instantly and it brings the brightest of smiles to his face. 

 

He settles back in his seat, his bottom lip between his front teeth in anticipation and he brings himself to read.

 

_Aaron_

_My Aaron._

_Weird that isn’t it? But it feels right._

_I’ve missed this. The excitement of writing to you, the happiness I get when talking to you._

_You’re in the shower right now, humming along to a song. You don’t think I can hear you, but I can. It’s the best sound I've ever heard. It will surely be followed by the best thing I've ever laid my eyes on: You in a towel, dripping wet, Watching as your hair curls as it slowly dries_

_I’d be lying if I said this didn’t scare me. The way I feel about you, it terrifies me Aaron._

_But it also makes me feel so alive. I never want to lose that feeling._

_I know it will be hard, but we will make it work._

_I promise you that._

_Have a safe flight._

_See you soon!_

_Stay safe,_

_All my love,_

_Robert._

Aaron’s smile breaks through his restraints and he’s grinning like an idiot at the back of the aeroplane, an overwhelming warmth taking over him as he folds the letter and puts it away neatly.

He pulls the pen out from his bag, before finding a stray piece of paper that he’s pretty sure is used as a sick bag in the compartment in front of him.

 

It’s enough for what he wants to write.

 

 

He bites at his lip as his hands starts to scrawl and he feels his heartbeat in ever limb. 

 

 

_My Robert_

_I love you._

_See you soon._

_Always safe_

_Aaron._

:::

 

Aaron’s happiness doesn’t go missed when he returns back to the training camp. There’s a spring in his step, a smile on his face, and the air around him feels fresher.

 

Sergeant Collins is the first to comment on it, calling Aaron into his office one afternoon to be congratulated on the improvement in his work. A sense of pride runs through him at that and he bites back a smile as he leaves, his head held high.

 

Ross is the next to comment, and although they’ll never be the best of friends, there’s a somewhat normality between them now that Aaron’s extra thankful for.

 

“Had a personality change while you were away, Dingle?”

 

There’s no venom, no bite. It’s followed with a laugh and a knowing look that only the two of them understand.

 

“Just happy Ross, you should try it sometime.” Aaron laughs back, a sarcastic expression on his face

 

 

The days don't feel as long anymore.

 

 

 

It’s Adam who really gets him to open up.

 

Aaron slides up to his best friend during lunch, only to be completely ignored. His head is tucked low, face buried in a notebook and eyebrows knitted.

 

Aaron waits for him to look up and acknowledge him… But nothing.

 

He clears his throat, but there’s still no movement. Irritated, Aaron kicks him from underneath the table.

 

Adam’s head shoots  up, a hiss escaping his lip as he looks at Aaron with an appalled expression.

 

“What the fuck?” Adam asks, rubbing at his shin under the table.

 

“Nice to see you too.” Aaron replies in a sarcastic manner as he takes a bite of his sandwich.

 

“Don’t mate, I’m up the wall here.” Adam sighs, sinking his head back into the notebook and rubbing at his temples 

 

“What’s up?” Aaron asks, genuinely curious after noting the stress in his best friend’s voice.

 

Adam lets out a loud frustrated sigh, before finally glancing up at Aaron. “Sorry mate, it just all this wedding stuff.”

 

A chuckle escapes Aaron’s lips, a warmth falling over him as he looks at his best friends in distress. He’s missed this. “No way has Meghan left _you_ in charge.”

 

“Not exactly, I’m just helping out with my side of the guest list,” Adam explains as he rubs at his temples once more.

 

Aaron can’t help but let out a small laugh. His wide smile and shining eyes not going unnoticed.

 

“You look happy,” Adam notes, an eyebrow raised in his direction. 

 

“Yeah, I am,” Aaron lets out a breath, the honesty making him feel vibrant.

 

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain bloke would it?” Adam pries, his mouth turning up in a half grin making the dimple in his cheek more prominent.

 

“Don’t you have a guest list to be working on?” Aaron raises a judgmental eyebrow.

 

“So this _is_ about a bloke,” Adam almost shouts, smile growing.

 

Aaron can’t help but let his smile widen too as he shakes his head in embarrassment. He feels a warm flush come over his cheeks.

 

“It’s nothing,” he replies, taking a bite of his sandwich in hopes of halting the conversation.

 

“No sarcastic reply? That doesn’t seem like nothing to me.”

 

There’s just something about Adam’s half smile, big brown eyes, and dopey look on his face that makes Aaron weaken to his attempts.

 

“I guess things are going good…” he teases, biting his lip as thoughts of Robert fill his mind.

 

“Just good?” Adam leans in closer, smile growing.

 

“Well, it’s still early days,” Aaron shrugs, heart pounding at simply the thought of Robert. “But, I think we’re going to give it a real go.”

 

He smiles shyly under the gaze of his best friend.

 

“That’s great bro! You gonna try the long distance thing?” Adam asks with genuine interest.

 

“For the first couple of months, yeah.”

 

Adam frowns as he thinks over the reply, his lip pouts out in confusion. “Couple of months?”

 

“Yeah, I- Er, my deployment is up in June and I've decided not to extend. I’m going home.” It all comes out in one long stuttered breath and Adam’s face flashes with many different emotions before he simply nods and smiles.

 

“So, this is pretty serious, huh?” Adam asks, knowing full well the army is Aaron’s whole life, his home.

 

“I think it could be, yeah,” Aaron admits, a smile toying at his lips at just the thought of his and Robert’s future together.

 

Adam looks as if he’s taking in the information once again before he gives one more nod and goes back to scribbling something on the notepad in front of him.

 

Aaron furrows his brow at his friend’s actions before their eyes connect again.

 

“Well I guess I best put you on the list then,” Adam shrugs.

 

“I guess so,” Aaron replies.

 

“Good,” Adam smiles, a twinkle in his eye. “Because I’d be pretty pissed off if my best man didn’t turn up.”

 

There’s a moment of stunned silence. Aaron wide eyed as Adam grins like a fool, before Aaron’s smile is spreading wide and uncontained, a laugh escaping from his lips making him feel soft and warm. “Seriously?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll even give you a plus one for that new boyfriend of yours.” Adam taunts in a childish voice, a loud laugh follows.

 

“Shut up.” Aaron mumbles, picking up one of his crisp and launching it at Adam.

 

 

It’s the most he’s laughed in months, and it feels amazing.

 

:::

**Nanyuki, Africa - February 2013**

 

The airpost arrives later that week, and excitement fills him once more.

 

It’s a feeling he’d missed.

 

A feeling he’s craved for months.  

 

A feeling he never wanted to disappear.

 

He holds the envelope in his hands and examines it; every word, every edge, everything that is Robert.

 

 

_My Aaron_

_It’s crazy. The last time I was doing this, you were right here with me, just on the other side of a wall._

_I regret not making the most of every second and joining you in that shower, seeing as we haven’t christened a bathroom yet. It’s a good job we have all the time in the world once you’re home!_

_I still can’t believe it, that in a few short months you’ll be back here for good._

_I think I underestimated just how hard this would be. It’s like I've had a taste of what our life can be and then once again it’s been snatched away from me. Only this time, I know you’re coming back. I know that we can do it. And I know our future is more than just stolen weekends and rushed kisses. It will be for good, forever. It will be late nights in the pub and early mornings waking up to you. It will be lazy afternoons in bed and weekends away with just the two of us._

_There’s this B &B in the countryside I used to drive past when I was younger. It’s all high ceilings and four poster beds with views for days, and I was thinking we could go there in the summer, once you’re home and settled. _

_That’s crazy right? That I’m planning the rest of our lives already? But I’m just so excited to see you again, and each passing day is just one too long without you._

_Hey, at least we’ll always have the moon._

_Stay safe_

_Love_

_Robert_

This.

 

This feeling right here makes it all worthwhile as Aaron lets his smile spread wide and his heart flip over. He has all these images of them together and it’s so close, almost scarily close, but also still too far away.

 

He sighs in contentment, picking up the same pen and paper he hasn’t touched for so long and it feels so natural and normal to him that he doesn’t even have to stop and think about what to write before the pen is cursively making its way across the paper.

 

 

_Rob,_

_I can’t put into words how good it is to hear from you, I just wish I actually could hear you, hear your voice, and feel your touch._

_If only you did come and join me in the shower, then maybe I'd still be able to feel your touch, taste you on my lips, hear you call my name… But I’m sure I would’ve missed my flight._

_It’s not crazy. It’s not crazy at all, because I've been thinking about that kind of stuff too. I want all of this, and I want it all with you. The late nights, the early mornings, the lazy afternoons and everything in between. All the good and the bad, because if it’s with you, it’s all I want_

_That B &B sounds great, and I have the perfect excuse. Adam has asked me to be his best man at his wedding, he even gave me a plus one especially for you. _

_I hope you don’t mind, but I told him about us, about you._

_He went all wet on me, told me he could actually see how happy you made me, soft lad._

_But it’s true. You make me so happy._

_Every day without you is too long, but at least we have these letters to make them go a little quicker._

_Always safe._

_Love_

_Aaron._

 

 

The letter leaves Aaron hot under the collar, thoughts of blonde hair in his fist and soft kisses up his spine, making his mouth dry. Suddenly June feels like a lifetime away

 

:::

 

Leaving the army is a more complicated process than Aaron had ever imagined. He’s never seen this day coming; had always thought this is where he belonged, that this was his home.

 

But now his home is blonde hair and jade coloured eyes and nothing is going stop him from being there.

 

That still doesn’t stop the whole process from being daunting. He steps into Sergeant Collins office and lets out a shaky breath.

 

“Dingle, to what do I owe the pleasure.”

 

Collins doesn’t show emotion often, and it’s hard to tell if he is joking or serious. Now is one of those times.

 

“Uh, I just wanted to hand this in,” Aaron replies, voice strained and hand shaky as he holds out the paper between his clammy fingertips.

 

Collins eyes the paper suspiciously, before giving Aaron a once over and nodding.

 

Aaron watches on, nerves igniting his body as Sergeant Collins frowns. He nods for Aaron to take a seat, and so he does, before his face falls back into a straight and stern look.

 

“You know,” he starts, eyes slowly trailing up to meet Aaron’s; he thinks he sees a hint of sadness in them, but he can’t be too sure. “I always knew we’d have this talk, I just didn’t think it would be so soon.”

 

“Sorry?” Aaron frowns in confusion.

 

“You’re leaving. Am I right?” Collins asks, although he clearly knows the answer.

 

“How did you know?” Aaron asks, biting the corner of his mouth in confusion.

 

“Well, when you’ve been doing this as long as I have, you begin to be able to read your soldiers,” Collins confirms with a nod of the head. “So, have you got any plans?”

 

“Not really,” Aaron admits, as he nervously rubs his hands up and down his thighs. “I always thought I’d be in the army.”

 

“I see.”

 

“It’s not that I don’t love my job, Serg, I do-“

 

“Dingle, you’re a great soldier. You’ve served an amazing four years on the field. You don’t need to explain yourself,” Collins cuts off his rambling, face still expressionless.

 

“I just think it’s just time for a break,” Aaron continues explaining, he brings his nails up to his mouth and bites down.

 

“You deserve it,” Collins smiles this time, as he stands and Aaron follows suit.

 

It’s a strange feeling. Aaron swallows the lump in his throat as he takes his sergeant’s hand in his and shakes it firmly. It’s harder than he thought, as he smiles up at the man he’s looked upon for guidance for so long. The only father figure he’s ever known. Than man who’s shaped him into who he is today without even realising it.

 

It’s bittersweet in so many ways.

 

“Thanks Serg. For everything.”

 

He releases his grip that has already lingered a little too long before making his way to the door, the lump in his throat swelling.

 

“Dingle?”

 

Aaron turns at the sound of his name, finds Collins sat with one eyebrow raised in his direct.

 

“The form?” He says, eyes flicking down to the piece of paper still in Aaron’s sweaty grip.

 

“Oh, yeah.” Aaron laughs, all short and nervous chuckles as he passes it over to him and smiles briefly

 

“I hope you’ll be very happy,” Collins says as Aaron approaches the door and his heart sinks with a feeling he’s never felt before; a sense of relief and honour.  All the feelings he should've experience growing up. 

 

“I will,” Aaron smiles once more, honesty in his eyes as he tries not to let the tears glisten.

 

Because he will.

 

He’s sure of it.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s heard the term “emotional rollercoaster” many times in his life, but this feels more like he’s in an emotional tumble dryer, tossed and turned in every direction unwillingly and not knowing how to feel.

 

The bittersweetness of his resignation has left him feeling hollow and sad as he makes his way back to the cabin. But it was soon overtaken by the sweet bubbling feeling of excitement as his eyes fall onto the letter placed perfectly on top of his pillow.

 

It’s almost like conformation of his choices when needed. Robert pouring out his heart and soul in letter form, tells Aaron that everything he’s doing is the right choice.

 

He settles into the quiet cabin, curling up under his duvet. He has the luxury of being the only person in the small room, which is uncommon for this time of night. But he assumes most of the other lads are off drinking or watching some sort of sport in the common area, and he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out at all.

 

 

 _Aaron,_  
  
It’s only been a couple of weeks but that’s already a couple of weeks too long. I’m aching for your touch, for your smile, for your kiss.  
  
I’m glad you don’t think I’m being crazy, planning our futures already, because it’s all I want; to spend every moment that I can, with you, making up for lost time, savouring every touch.  
  
That's amazing news about you being best man! I bet you were so happy. I’d love to be your plus one — I can’t wait to hear you speech!  
  
Of course, seeing you in a suit is the icing on top of the cake. I bet you don’t look half bad in a suit. Though the best part would be getting you out of it. I don’t think I’d be able to wait for the reception to be over. I’d have to have you as soon as possible.  
  
I’d pull you away from the crowd by your tie and have my way with you, biting down on your neck. I know you love it when I do that. The groan that would escape you lips, would be music to my ears and fuel to my crotch. It’s been too long since I've tasted you on my lips and felt your nails across my skin. June can’t come quick enough  
  
I need you  
I miss you  
I love you  
  
Robert  
  
  
His eyes trace over the words, and before they’ve even sunk him, he feels himself twitch in the confinements of his underwear, Robert’s words making him weak and come undone.  
  
He reads them again, imagines the scene in his head, imagines Robert in a suit that fits him to perfection, hugs every curve, in colours that make his eyes pop. He imagines Robert’s lips on his skin, imagines swallowing him down and hearing his own name in a brief cry.  
  
It’s too much, but also so far from enough as he slips his hands underneath his sweats, then lower, beneath his briefs and releases a sigh.  
  
He feels himself hardening in his hand as thoughts of Robert swim through his mind and ache in his chest.  
  
He bites down on his bottom lip, trying to mask his need to moan out Robert’s name as he tugs slowly. Thankfully, nobody else is around to hear his breathless panting as he palms himself under the covers. The thought of Robert alone bring him to the edge, as he tries not to draw blood and lets his eyes flutter close with the ghost of Robert’s lips on his skin, the last thing he sees is the moon shining through the window as he hits his release _._  
  


When he eventually pulls himself together, his hands are still trembling and his heartbeat is uneven. He brings pen to paper, hoping he can make Robert feel as good as he just did.

 

 

  
_Rob,_  
  
What I would give to feel your touch, and your kisses too.  
  


_God, you don’t know what you do to me! All I have are these images of you in a suit and it’s driving me wild._

__  
If I had you here with me, I wouldn’t let go of you; my fingers in your hair, my lips on your collar bone, tracing the outline of your freckles, my fingers caressing the dip of your spine. If I had you, I'd be slammed face down on a bathroom stall while your breath hits the back of my neck. If I had you, I would take control and push you back as I drop down to my knees. I’d blink as little as possible when I’m looking up at you, because I wouldn’t want to miss any moment I have with you.  
  


_I have a tight blue suit, would that work for you? Slim tie and white shirt? Or would you prefer me more casual with a button or two undone and my shirt untucked at the waist?_  
  
Counting down the days till I can hug, kiss and have you all for myself and for an eternity.  
  
I love you,  
Aaron

 

June seems further away than ever.

 

:::

**Nanyuki, Africa -April 2013**

 

Since the moment Aaron walked out of the sergeant’s office just over two weeks ago, there’s been one question that has played over and over in his mind.

 

_“So, have you got any plans?”_

 

Plans.

 

Yes, he has plans.

 

He has plans of Saturdays eating breakfast in bed. He has plans of holidays away with golden skin. He has plans of a little cottage in the countryside with a red door.

 

But that’s all he has.

 

His whole life is right here in the armed forces, ever since he left school.

 

It had been a lot for his mother to let him go at the tender age of 16, struggling with his sexuality on top of the usual teenage angst he carried around with him.

 

But she had, eventually, and Aaron was forever grateful for that, for letting him go and build himself into the man he is today, into the man she can be proud of.

 

They’d rebuilt their relationship through occasional letters that Aaron refuses to admit excite him and make him feel like he has a home where he belongs, whenever he does decide to leave the army.

 

But he had no qualifications. No degree. No way of making a real difference.

 

That’s why this particular brochure interests him more than the others.

 

They were left next to his bunk, presumably by Sergeant Collins. A collection of brochures on life after the army. The thoughtfulness of the gesture makes him smile.

 

He sinks into his bunk, engrossed in the information.

 

The transition from soldier to civilian.

 

Hiring fairs.

 

Benefits after life as a soldier.

 

And then the one that truly caught his eye.

 

A troops to teachers training programme.

 

It’s not something Aaron had ever really given much thought to, but as soon as the words catch his eye, it’s all he can picture doing.

 

He thinks back to when he was in school, how his teachers had tried their best to keep him on the straight and narrow, how they’d desperately wanted him to finish his exams and make something of himself. How they were the only people who ever truly believed he was capable of anything, no matter how much grief he gave them.

 

Aaron knows, just knows, he wants to be that difference.

 

He wants to make kids believe in themselves, to help them achieve their goals. He wanted to help make a difference. 

 

He feels the bed dip underneath him, he drags his eyes up and over the booklet to find Adam, soft smile and lazy eyes as he reads over the cover in Aaron’s hands.

 

“Teacher, huh?” He asks, eyes connecting with Aaron’s and giving him a supportive smile.

 

“You’d be great,” he assures him, before making his way up to his own bunk, leaving Aaron with his own thoughts.

 

And just like that, everything falls into place.

 

:::

 

 

The black Xs on Aaron’s calendar seem to grow with the worry in his stomach.

 

When the airpost comes on Thursday, he finds himself disappointed with the lack of mail waiting for him. But he doesn’t allowed himself to dwell, assuming Robert is probably busy and maybe forgot to post his letter.

 

But as days turn into weeks, he can’t stay in denial for long.

 

His worry grows bigger and his anxiety takes over, all the worst possibilities swimming around his brain.

 

It’s the worst feeling. And it’s was exactly what he to Robert. 

 

Suddenly, he’s gripped with doubt, his insecurities bringing out the worst in him. He wonders if this is some sort of payback, if it’s all some sort of joke.

 

He has to sit.

 

Breathe.

 

And remind himself that he and Robert love each other. And that whatever it is, they will get through it.

 

But it doesn't take long for his mind to turn against him once more. This time spawning the idea of Robert in trouble, having been hurt, of Aaron never hearing his voice again.

 

He can’t control the images that fill his mind, can't stop the voices swimming around his head.

 

Robert’s call for help.

 

Robert’s cry in pain.

 

_This must have been how Robert felt for months._

He feels the panic set in like a cluster of spark plugs in his chest. His breathing becomes more rapid, more shallow.

 

It betrays him from sleeping.

 

He remembers this feeling, feels it in every limb, every breath, every gasp for air. He has to sit down and remember his breathing techniques, before his body betrays him just as his mind has.

 

His hands feel clammy as they run up and down his thighs, a ringing sound loud in his ears as the heat builds up in his body and he feels paralysed on spot on his bed.

 

All he can feel is this building feeling of doom and worry bubbling inside him and it takes a few minutes to pull himself together and stumble to the sink to fill a glass of water. He gulps it down as he leans over, his arms holding all of his weight up. He can’t take it much longer, he knows what he has to do.

 

He knows there no use in trying to sleep.

 

He knows he anxious mind won't settle until he has answers.

 

He attempts writing a letter. Putting his pen to paper and trying to get all his worries into words. But it’s not enough. It’s not settling his mind or easing his worries.

 

So he makes the decision to climb out of bed. The room black and filled with other people’s snores as he silently makes his way out of the cabin in the dark of the night.

 

He’s not sure what time it is exactly, nor does he care much as he makes his way across the field to the common area. But he knows it’s late, as the breeze sends a shiver down his spine and the moon is high, hiding behind the dull grey clouds than makes him feel even more anxious than before.

 

His damp palms grip the phone, his trembling fingers pressing the numbers he has memorised, and he has to remind himself to breathe so he doesn’t have another attack.

 

But with every call that rings out, every breath he lets shake past his lips, he feels himself becoming lightheaded.

 

“Hello?”

 

Robert’s voice fills his ears, rough, like gravel. Aaron lets out a sigh of relief as his body suddenly relaxes and his eye are glossy with the emotion that's overwhelming him.

 

“You have no idea how good it is to hear you voice,” he breathes out, unapologetic as a smile creeps at his lips and his heart rhythm slows to a steady beat.

 

“Aaron?”

 

There's a hint of sadness in his voice that Aaron hopes he imagines, but it makes his stomach churn as he leans against the wall for support.

 

“Yeah, it’s me,” he smiles into the phone, voice no higher than a whisper as he relishes in the sound of his lover’s voice.

 

“Wha- Is everything ok?” Robert asks, voice a little more alert now. Aaron thinks he can hear some rustling on the other end of the phone and he has images of Robert in bed, draped in white sheets and messy hair.

 

“I’m fine, everything's fine. I was just worried about you,” Aaron rushes out, all in one fast breath. He inhales, before continuing. “I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I thought… I just thought something had happened to you, or you’d changed your mind, or- Is everything okay? Are we okay?” Aaron knows he sounds desperate but he just needs answers.

 

There’s silence on the other end of the line and it slices through Aaron as he waits for answers.

 

“Robert?” He tries again, his voice breaking with every letter.

 

“It's fine, we’re fine. Of course we’re fine,”  Robert replies, but there’s something in his voice that betrays him, and Aaron just knows him too well to ignore it.

 

“Are we? Because if there’s something I've done, if there’s something you’re-”

 

“Aaron,” Robert’s desperate plea cuts his panicked rambling short and he swallows down the lump thats grown in his throat, biting down on the inside of his lip. 

 

There’s that silence again. Painful and harsh in the void of conversation. His breathing is loud down the phone,  heavy and muffled with Robert’s own.

 

He feels the muscles in his chin betray him, trembling as he opens his mouth to speak.

 

“I- I didn’t- I’m fine. It’s nothing.” Robert finally speaks, but it’s still soft, and strained no matter how hard he tries; as though he’s been punched and is still recovering.

 

“Robert, you’re worrying me now,” Aaron replies, despair in his voice as he agonises over each word.

 

“I’m sorry, I just- I didn’t want to worry you with this,” Robert lets out in a sigh.

 

“Worry me with what, Rob? Please.” 

 

He can’t take it anymore, his eyes close and his heart pounds against his chest like a ticking time bomb in the silence of their conversation.

 

“I just couldn’t face telling you. I didn’t mean to forget to write. I’m so sorry, I just…” Robert rambles and Aaron’s sure he can hear the tears fall from his eyes as the crack in his voice gets more evident, the sniffs of his nose becoming more loud.

 

“Robert, please, just tell me,” Aaron's own tears have started to fall now, cold and damp down his face in massive drops as his own voice breaks and pleads for answer.

 

 

 

“I lost my job.”

 

There's a pause, a breath, a sniffle before Robert eventually regains himself.

 

“Lawrence, he was looking for any excuse, the first chance he could get,” Robert’s voice is completely broken now, there’s no doubt at all as he cries into the phone and Aaron can do nothing but listen and long to comfort him. “I’ve just been so caught up in trying to sort my life out, and just everything is falling apart, and you’re over there and I just don’t know what I’m going to do, Aaron. I don’t know what to do.”

 

Robert sobs into the phone and it breaks Aaron’s heart as he chokes back a cry of his own.

 

“Rob, it’s ok. Listen to me. It’s going to be ok,” Aaron pleads, trying to keep his voice strong for Robert, trying to not let it break.

 

“How is it going to be ok?” Robert sniffs. “I put everything I had into that business. I built it from the ground up, and now I have nothing. Nothing to show for it, nothing for you to come home to, nothing for our future.”

 

A sob releases Aaron’s lips and he curses himself as he listens to Robert breakdown over the phone. It’s almost enough to fuck it all and jump on the next flight over.

 

“Robert, _Robert_ , listen to me. You don't have nothing. You’re brilliant and talented. You’ll come back from this. You’ll make it through. You have me, and we’ll get through this. I promise,” Aaron pleads, hoping he can voice how much love and admiration he has for the other man.

 

“I destroy everything I touch, Aaron. I’m a disaster. I couldn’t even remember to reply to your letter becauseI've been staring at the bottom of a whiskey glass for weeks. You don’t need this.”

 

Aaron can’t contain the tears that come flooding out, like a river escaping a dam. His heart breaks just a little more, his mind races, an involuntary whimper releases from his lips.

 

“No, Robert. You are _not_ doing this,” he orders into the phone. His eyes are red and swollen from the constant wiping. He exhales shakily.

 

“I just miss you so much,” Robert’s grief flows through the phone making Aarons gut wrench as he yearns to hold the love of his life.

 

“I miss you too. I know that I’m not there, but we will get through this. Together. Okay?” He promises, hands gripping tight at the phone, lips close to the handset, wishing it was Robert between his grip. “We’ll get through this.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Robert sniffles into the phone, voice attempting to regain control of itself. “I love you.”

 

Aaron’s heart swells as another tear strays from the bundle at the corner of his eye.

 

“And I love you,” he smiles, heart steady, panic lost. “I’ll be home soon. I promise. Just remember that.”

 

He can almost picture Robert nodding his head and wiping his eyes, and he just longs to hold him in his arms and kiss his forehead.

 

“Can you see the moon?” Robert asks after a few moments of silence, voice more controlled and sounding happier.

 

Aaron smiles, eyes flicking to the window next to him as it grows bigger and he sinks into the phone; into what he imagines to be Robert’s touch. “I can.”

 

“Our moon,” Robert confirms, voice fragile and quiet like a scared little boy.

 

“Yeah.” Aaron sighs into the phone. “We’ll always have the moon.”

 

“We’ll always have the moon,” Robert repeats in the same tone as Aaron’s blissful and exhausted one. “Goodnight Aaron.”

 

“Goodnight Rob,” He forces out, not wanting the conversation to end but knowing it’s late and that Robert must be exhausted. It takes everything in him to place the phone back down and pull himself away.

 

The emotional exhaustion makes sleep take hold of him quickly, wishing he had Robert to hold.

 

:::

 

_I destroy everything I touch, Aaron. I’m a disaster._

_I destroy everything I touch, Aaron. I’m a disaster._

_I destroy everything I touch, Aaron. I’m a disaster._

 

The phone call may have settled Aaron’s initial panic and concern, but it’s failed to dismiss his worries.

 

It’s been a few days now, but Aaron can’t seem to rid his mind of thoughts of Robert. His words linger in his brain, etching in deeper by the day.

 

It makes his concentration falter, which doesn't go unnoticed by his Sergeant.

 

It dampens his mood, which makes him isolate himself from the group.

 

He spends his days worrying, feeling helpless and longing to be with Robert.

 

Until his heart is settled, by a white envelope addressed to him in the most beautiful handwriting he’s ever known.

 

He walks around the camp, legs heavy from the days work, settling himself in a secluded area with no distractions and as much privacy as the small training base allows him. His heart is beating at an abnormal rhythm and he feels anxious as his fingers trace the corners of the envelope.

 

He sits down, brining his knees up to his chest and instantly feeling younger as he slowly tears open the envelope and exhales in preparation.

 

 

_My Aaron._

The first thing he notices is the writing. It’s sloppier than usual, the words don’t quite curl into each other with ease like they usually do. There’s a round, brown stain on the corner, smudging one or two letters. Aaron frowns, before reading on.

 

_The clocks just struck midnight and I wish you were here in my arms. This is harder than I ever imagined. I miss your lips, I miss your scent, I miss your presence, just sleeping next to me and hearing the beat of your heart. The days are so long without you, and June feels like an eternity away. I’m not sure I can cope without you for that long._

_Hearing your voice the other night, was the most amazing thing. Thank you for calling, I really needed that, it made things a little better. For just a moment, if I closed my eyes, it was as if you were right here with me._

_I wish I could say things have gotten better, but I could never lie to you. I still have no job, and Lawrence and his company are trying to deny me my severance package and I just don’t know what to do. I am not the man you thought I was. I’m weak, I’m a disaster, I’m sorry… You don’t need this._

_I always dreamed of owning my own business one day. Now, that seems like the most ridiculous thing in the world. I can’t even keep a job. How would I ever be able to run a business?_

_I miss you so much it physically hurts. It's as though you were something I dreamed up and I never want to wake. So I drink till I sleep so at least in the moonlight I can be with you._

_I just wish you were next to me, because somehow, that would make everything that little bit better. I can do anything with you by my side Aaron._

_I’ll wait forever._

_I love you._

_Robert._

 

 

His nose is damp when he wipes at it, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as the ache takes over his chest. Thinking about Robert’s pain makes a shudder travel from his feet up his body. Suddenly it feels like a terrible weight has fell onto his shoulders, and there’s nothing he can do to help.

 

He’s so engrossed in his own conflict, in all of Robert’s worries and sorrow that he completely mishears the footsteps coming towards him until there's a shadow covering him and a hand strong hand on his shoulder.

 

“Aaron, mate, you alright?”

 

When he looks up at the familiar voice, he notices he’s started to cry, finding it hard to see Adam through the unshed tears.

 

“Yeah. I’m good,” he lies through sniffles, aggressive wiping at his eyes.

 

Aaron watches as he crouches down to his level, tucking his legs under one another and sitting on the cold ground besides him. He notices Adam looking at the letter in his hands, he smiles softly and Aaron tries his best to return it.

 

“Not good news?” Adam asks with care, a frown tugging at the corner of his lips.

 

Aaron looks away from Adam and back down to the letter through his tears.

 

“It’s just…”  Aaron exhales deeply before turning he eyes back to Adam. “It’s so hard being away.”

 

“I know mate, but it’s not forever..”

 

“He needs me and I’m not there. I’m here and I can’t do anything to help,” Aaron frets, throwing his hand up in the air and sniffling back more tears.

 

“Mate,” Adams voice is comforting, he tucks his arm around Aaron’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug. “It’s tough sometimes, but you gotta be strong. Get through it.”

 

He continues softly, as Aaron wipes away the remaining tears. “But it will be worth it in the end.”

 

“I just feel useless,” Aaron admits, his shoulders heavy as is his heart.

 

“The best thing you can do is just support him. You’ll be home in a couple of weeks and it will be better. I promise.” Adam smiles wider, squeezing Aaron’s shoulder before making his way into a standing position.

 

Aaron looks up at his friend, remembers the hard times he went through and thinks about how happy he is now — engaged to be married, even. Suddenly he’s smiling again.

 

“You coming?” Adam asks, looking down towards Aaron, who’s still sat on the ground.

 

Aaron’s brought out of his trail of thoughts as he looks up to Adam.

 

“Yeah. I’ll catch up in a bit,” he replies, receiving a nod from Adam.

 

He walks back to the cabin as the moon begins to rise, feeling more hopeful and optimistic than he has in days.

 

He settles down, knowing what he needs to do, he pulls out his pen and writes,

 

 

  _Rob_

_I wish I was there too. I’d take you in my arms and never let go. I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too. But just know it’s not forever._

_Hearing your voice meant everything to me. I can’t wait until I have the pleasure of hearing it everyday; groggy in the morning, soft when you wish me good night, strained with the call of my name as I kiss at your neck. Just a few more weeks, and then we’ll have all the time in the world._

_I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better. I promise you. I know you think you can’t start your own business, but you can do anything. I believe in you! You are the most brilliant and confident man I've ever met. It’s your best and worst quality. It makes me want to kiss you and punch you all at once, but that’s why I love you._

_I saw you at that party. The way you carried yourself, the way you spoke to everyone. You’re a natural, it’s in your blood._

_So, what if Lawrence fired you? It’s his loss and he will see that one day. Go out and beat him at his own game, because I know you can, I believe in you._

_You say you’re not the guy I thought you were, and that’s true._

_Because you are so much more. You’re amazing, Robert. You’re not a disaster. You’re just going through a rough time. That’s all._

_I wish I was there. I wish I could help you through this. I’m so sorry I can’t._

_All I can do is tell you I love you, and that I believe in you._

_You can do anything Robert._

_Counting down the days,_

_I love you._

_Aaron_

It feels as though a weight is lifted off his shoulders as he seals the envelope and smiles to himself, only hoping he’s done all he can.

 

 

:::

_Aaron,_

_It was so good to hear from you. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best of company lately._

_I’ve been giving what you said some thought, and I think you’re right. I've been speaking to a few of my old clients, and I've started putting together a business plan. I really think this could work. I worked so hard for Lawrence, practically built that whole business. It’s time I did that for myself, for_ us _, so we can have a future together._

_It’s still early, but with you believing in me, I’m going to do it. I’m going to make you proud._

_The months have turned into weeks and soon it will be days I’m counting down to see you. Until then, I’ll be looking at our moon and thinking of you._

_You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me._

_I love you_

_Stay safe_

_Robert._

_:::_

_Rob_

_You don’t understand how unbelievably happy I am to hear that. I've always had faith in you, but I’m so glad to hear you finally have some in yourself. That's all I've ever wanted. You’re incredible, and I'm so lucky to know you._

_I’ll be there, by your side no matter what happens, because I'll stay by your side for eternity._

_I’ve been thinking myself, about what I’m going to do after the army. I’m not exactly full of special skills, but I've been looking into this teaching programme. I think I could really make a difference in some people’s lives. I don’t know. It’s just a thought._

_This is really happening isn't it? Us, our future. Maybe, we really can do anything if we’re together._

_Counting down the days_

_Always safe_

_Aaron_

:::

_Aaron!_

_That is amazing news!! You’d make a fantastic teacher — you’ve already taught me so much in just a small space of time. I’m so proud of you._

_I’ve got some news too! I've had a few meetings this week. One of my old clients is in property management, and he’s interested in going into business! My start-up loan came through this week, so I'm just about to spend my afternoon looking at offices. But I really wish I was spending it with you instead._

_I’m so excited to start this journey with you._

_Less than three weeks and you’ll be back in my arms._

_I love you._

_Robert._

As arrangements continue to be made, it all starts to feel more real. Aaron calls his mum, hears her voice for the first time in years, and it strikes something inside him that follows him to swallow down tears.

 

He’s actually going home.

 

:::

**Nanyuki, Africa - June 2013**

Suddenly counting down days turn into counting down hours and Aaron’s got his bags packed and his plane ticket printed out as he stares at the empty bunk that he has called home for so long.

 

It’s a bittersweet feeling unlike Aaron’s ever felt before. His body tingles with the excitement of seeing Robert, of new possibilities and exciting beginnings. But there’s a sadness too, for the people he’s leaving behind, for the only place he’s ever felt like he belonged, along with the fear of failing before he’s even begun.

 

Adam’s there, smiling even though there’s a sadness to his eyes as well. Aaron’s never really been good at goodbyes, or anything that remotely involves feelings.

 

“Come here.” He chuckles out, pulling his friend in for a hug.

 

Adam lets him, resting his chin on Aaron’s shoulder and giving him a few slaps on the back before releasing. 

 

Aaron can feel the tears building in the corner of his eyes, and has to look up towards the ceiling to stop them from falling.

 

“You take care of yourself, alright?” He tells Adam, his sad smiling growing.

 

“Don’t be worrying about me, mate,” Adam laughs, which only makes the grin on Aaron’s face even larger. “Just be happy, yeah?”

 

Aaron has to blink back the tears as his best friend pulls him into an embrace once more, lingering for a few seconds longer as he exhales deeply.

 

“I’ll see you at the wedding.” Aaron smiles, and Adam mirrors it, so genuine and natural that makes his brown eyes squint and wrinkle at the sides. 

 

“Of course, _Best Man_ ,” Adam laughs with a nod of his head as Aaron slings his belongings over his shoulders and forces himself to head towards the door.

 

He doesn’t look back.

 

From today, it’s all about moving forward.

 

There’s a jeep waiting for him outside, and he throws his bag into the back before giving the training camp one final once over. His heart clenches, as he takes in his surroundings. It’s not much, but it’s treated him well the last couple of years.

 

There’s a few of the lads around the camp, going about their day who stop and give him a wave. He nods his head and smiles before he feels a hand on his shoulder which startles him.

 

He turns to be greeted by Sergeant Collins. He’s smiling, which is more emotion than Aaron’s usually seen from him

 

He pushes out a hand towards Aaron, who’s eyes fall to it before taking it in his own grip and shaking firmly.

 

“Good luck Dingle, I wish you all the very best.”

 

Aaron’s speechless for a second, before he’s swallowing and stuttering and attempting to reply.

 

“Thanks Serg, you too.” He gulps out, as his cheeks heat up and he attempts to hide how much it means to him.

 

“You’re a great soldier, son.” Collins replies, pulling Aaron’s hand towards him and looping his other around his back in a quick but meaningful hug.

 

Aaron knows his eyes are glossy and his throat feels small, but he’s smiling wide.

 

“Thanks Serg.” He smiles one last time before climbing into the back of the jeep and giving one last wave.

 

Today’s the start of the rest of his life.

 

 

:::

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Leeds, UK - June 2013**

 

Aaron’s body is pumping with an excitement he feels in his toes and up his spine while his nerves make his stomach feel tight and his head spin.

 

The warm Leeds breeze hits him as he steps off the plane, his army boots banging loudly against the ground with each step, like a timer counting down the seconds until he sees Robert.

 

They’ve agreed to meet at the airport, a place where they have only fond memories of their last embrace.

 

Aaron’s body feels more and more electric as he draws closer to the arrival gates. 

 

He feels like he remembers Robert so well, but also feels like he’s about to see a masterpiece be unveiled for the first time.

 

His mouth is dry as he turns the corner and his eyes scan the crowded airport. His heart beats a little harder with every second that goes by, his fingers trembling as they hook onto the rough strap of his bag. His breathing loud and heavy in his ears.

 

It only takes seconds, before his eyes fall on a head of blonde hair, and dazzling blue-green eyes straight after.

 

He watches as Robert desperately pushes through the crowd to get to him. Elbows and shoulders bumping into strangers without a care in the world.

 

Aaron’s feet are moving without thought, desperate and wanting to be close to Robert after all this time.

 

He stops, just a few centimeters in front of him looking frantic, eyes wide and hair pushed back off his forehead. It’s shorter than Aaron remembers, and styled different, but Aaron has no complaints. He feels a smile grow on his lips as he scans Robert’s face; his blonde lashes, chiseled cheekbones, the succulent red lips Aaron remembers on his skin.

 

He hears his heart beat as the seconds pass without a movement from either of them.

 

But then Robert smiles, big and wide with beautiful porcelains teeth and eyes like sapphires.

 

And Aaron just loses it.

 

All self control flies out the window. His bag is on the floor and his feet have moved that small fraction forward where they meet with Robert’s.

 

His lips are on his, hands clutching at the back of his neck, heart feeling too full for his chest. They fall back into a rhythm they know so well, lost lips finally finding their way home.

 

He feels Robert eyelashes tickle at his cheek, inhales the scent he's dreamed about for months. The kiss is long, all consuming and everything Aaron has wanted for so long that he doesn’t care who sees. It deepens for a few seconds longer before his lungs feel tight and his head feels loose and they both come up air, large grins and hooded eyes.

 

A low chuckle escapes Roberts throat, the heat rises in Aaron’s cheeks once they realise they have an audience.

 

They hear a cheer, a whistle, and a clap, and Aaron closes his eyes and laughs embarrassed, resting his forehead against the soft skin of Robert’s, just living in the moment as he feels Robert’s heart beat again his chest and his fingers grip around his forearms.

 

“I was going to make a sign.” Robert says after a few seconds of silence, voice low and husky for only Aaron’s to hear.

 

“Idiot.” Aaron laughs out, chest vibrating against Roberts as he does so, before they’re composing themselves and pulling back, taking each other in once again.

 

Robert nods toward the door, picking Aaron’s bag off the floor and smiling to himself, and Aaron follows with his aching cheeks and thrumming heart.

 

 

:::

 

The car ride back is mostly silent, besides the low hum of the radio and the cars racing outside. Aaron lets the vibrations relax him as he sits in the passenger seat, eyes fixed out the window, taking in every ounce of the Yorkshire countryside he’s been deprived of for so long.

 

His hand lays lazily next to his body, until he feels soft, slender fingers hook through his and his eyes are pulled from the passing scenery. He looks over and catches Robert’s upturned lips as his eyes stay focused on the road ahead. It’s peaceful, calming, and everything Aaron hasn’t felt in years and he just relaxes into Robert's touch, sighing in contentment.

 

The journey isn’t long, and Aaron remembers it well from the times he’s hailed a cab from the airport to Robert’s door with his bundled nerves plummeting through him. He knows they’re not too far when they turn onto a small, almost empty country road that leads them to the busier part of the city. There’s a shiver, as Robert untangles his fingers from Aaron's own to change gears, and Aaron's hand automatically falls onto Robert’s knee without any complaints.

 

The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it’s peaceful and golden, like the late afternoon sun on Robert’s skin as he squints past it and focuses on the road,  filled with steady breathing and heartbeats as Aaron’s fingers dance along the inside of Robert’s leg. 

 

He can't take his eyes away, even if he wants to — which by no means, he does. He knows he has the rest of the night to stare, the rest of the year, and maybe even the rest of eternity, but that doesn’t lessen his want at all.

 

There’s a stirring between Aaron's thighs, a twitch maybe, as Robert bites down on that thick, rounded bottom lip of his, and Aaron wonders if he did it on purpose, knowing Aaron’s watching on carefully.

 

When Robert stretches out his neck and lets his wet tongue dart out to moisten his rosy lips, Aaron’s certain that he is, and suddenly he’s more uncomfortable than he was a few seconds before, trousers tight against his crotch, restraining him from what he wants to feel.

 

He’s waited long enough, he decides, as he challenges Robert at his own game, gently tracing his fingers along the inside hem of his jeans, dangerously close to where he wants to be.

 

His eyes stay locked on Robert’s, whose shift to the side in a passing second, before straight back onto the road. Aaron’s sure he noticed the smirk he’s currently sporting.

 

He feels Robert’s thigh tense under him, a shifting in his seat as a cough releases from his dry mouth before the silence is broken with a strained and warned “Aaron…”

 

But that only encourages Aaron, his smirk widening and hands roaming higher, treacherous fingers swooping lower and cupping Robert through the thick fabric of his denim.

 

The shudder of a breath releases from Robert’s throat that is music to Aaron’s ears and only forces his wandering hands further, as he unbuttons his jeans with swiftness and ease.

 

He knows they're not far from Robert’s apartment, but he doesn’t want to wait a minute longer.

 

It’s all he’s thought about for weeks. In the dead of the night, while he explores under the covers; In the heat of the shower as the water caresses his limbs; In the depths of his dreams, when he can practically taste Robert on his lips as he wakes.

 

So when Robert takes his bottom lip between his teeth, head back against the headrest and the skin around his lips paling, Aaron knows he’s got him exactly where he wants him.

 

He dips deeper, underneath the gentle feel of cotton boxer shorts, and traces his knuckles against the trail of hair until his fingertips are on soft and smooth skin and he’s indulging in the feeling of Robert thickening in his grasp.

 

There's a strangled breath, a sigh of contentment as Robert tries his best to concentrate on the road and Aaron lets his eyes flutter close as he tugs at Robert with one hand and cups himself with the other. The car becomes stuffier, his needs more prominent, and he’s just about to undo his seatbelt and clasp his lips around Robert’s wanting and leaking head when the car jerks aggressively and Aaron is startled aware of his surroundings.

 

“Fuck,” Robert mumbles under his breath, cheeks flustered red as he tries to tuck himself back inside his jeans.

 

“What was that?” Aaron asks, voice low and strained from the dryness of his throat. “Did we hit something?”

 

Robert hurries to unfasten his seatbelt, long limbs clambering out of the car quickly as Aaron follows suit. He’s a little slower, so Robert’s already crouched down next to his back tire once Aaron joins him.

 

“Fucking pothole,” Robert grumbles, pushing at the tire with his hand and frowning like a child.

 

Aaron can’t help but let out a low chuckle, amused at the situation they’ve found themselves in and Robert sulking from the flat tire — or rather, the lack of Aaron's hand around his dick.

 

“Well, don’t just stand there,” Robert complains, eyes rolling at Aaron’s childish behavior as he rolls up the sleeves of his blue patterned shirt.

 

Aaron crouches down next to him, a burn in his thighs and his crotch as his hardening cock pushes up against his trousers.

 

“Do you have a spare?” He questions as he examines the tire, trying to ignore how his knee brushes against Robert’s and drives him wild.

 

“Yeah,” Robert announces as he makes his way into a standing position. “I’ll grab it.”

 

Aaron also stands, watching as Robert opens up the boot of his car and rummages around. He appears seconds later, strong arms wrapped around the spare tire.

 

Aaron swallows hard, the heat of the early summer’s sun beating down on his skin and he feels droplets of sweat form on his brow as he watches Robert’s biceps pulse through the sleeve of his shirt as he make his way closer to Aaron.

 

It does nothing to diminish his growing hard on.

 

 

Aaron watches on with intensity, the twitch between his thighs pulsing quicker with every heartbeat and he knows this isn’t the time or place for these thoughts as he watches Robert’s large and slender hands hook around the wrench and grip it, wishing it was his cock between those fingers.

 

“Here,” Aaron coughs out, crouching down again next to Robert and offering out his hand, hoping to distract his mind from their current thoughts. “Give us a go.”

 

“Do you know how to change a tire?” Robert asks, but there’s no humour, just genuine curiosity .

 

“Yeah, I was a mechanic before I joined the army, you know,” Aaron turns to face Robert, flashing him a grin

 

The way his eyebrows raise and his face fills with surprise, Aaron realises he forgot to mention that small detail of his past.

 

“No, I didn’t know,” Robert laughs lightly, eyes on Aaron as he makes quick work of the tire, gripping the wrench and feeling his veins pulse and his muscles stretch.

 

“Yeah, used to work in my uncle’s garage when I was at school,” Aaron replies absentmindedly while he works. He can feel Robert’s eyes all over him.

 

“I worked at a garage too.” Robert says and Aaron’s sure he’s mirroring the same look Robert did seconds ago, because he did not see that coming.

 

“You? Working in a garage?” Aaron chuckles as Robert feigns offence, shoving Aaron at the shoulder and taking the wrench from him.

 

“I was a great mechanic,” Robert protests, taking over from Aaron and loosening up the flat tire.

 

“Prove it,” Aaron smirks, standing above Robert and watching as he begins to remove the flat.

 

Aaron folds his arms, appreciating the way Robert’s ass curves in the tightness of his denim jeans and it’s as though he has a one track mind and nothing can really stop him.

 

His eyes start to fixated, watching as Robert rubs the growing sweat from his brow, blonde strands of hair sticking as he does so. His forearms pulsate under his rolled up sleeves and there's oil speckled next to his freckles that Aaron can’t take his eyes off.

 

He’s not sure how long he’s been watching, but Robert’s suddenly standing, once again a few inches taller,  rubbing his hands together in achievement.

 

“Sorted,” he announces, a grin of pride firmly on his face and Aaron can’t help but marvel at the beauty in front of him.

 

The sweat on his brow glistens in the bright sun as Aaron watches a droplet trailed down his neck and has the urge to lick it dry.

 

There's that twitch again, all his blood running down to his crotch and he takes his lip in between his teeth and bites hard, stepping ever so close to Robert who is distracted with trying to rid the oil from his hands.

 

There hasn’t been a car driving past in what feels like forever. The only sound that rings in Aaron’s ears is the light wind and his own heavy breathing as he invades Robert’s personal space and watches as bright eyes climb to meet his own.

 

“You have a little something-” Aaron find himself saying, low and breathy as he notices the smudge of oil across Robert’s jaw. 

 

Robert’s brow furrows as Aaron’s strong hand comes up to cup at his jaw, his finger wiping away at the oil as his thumb rests low on his chin.

 

He can feels Robert’s breath damping his thumb as their eyes stay connected and Aaron lifts his thumb just the tiniest bit higher until its resting on Robert’s bottom lip and slowly teasing it’s way across the skin, pulling it lower and making a sigh fall from the Robert’s open mouth.

 

There’s something strong between them, still rushing through their veins from earlier, that the smallest touch and eye contact suddenly has them unable to resist. The only thing Aaron can picture is the lips he’s currently caressing around his now rock solid shaft.

 

Robert must have the same thought, because his pelvis is thrust forward at the same time he takes Aaron’s thumb in between his lips and sucks, making it wet and leave his mouth with a pop. Aaron’s absolutely torn as he looks into Robert’s dilated pupils and replaces his thumb with his own dry and eager lips.

 

The kiss is wet, opened mouthed with tongues instantly fighting for dominance and Aaron’s hands sink lower down Robert’s body until they clutch at his ass cheeks, digging nails into denim and releasing strangled moans. Aaron can taste everything that is Robert and he knows it will never be enough.

 

There's a fervent, urgent need to touch and taste everywhere that Aaron’s never felt before.

 

When Robert kisses down his neck, it feels like a soft, warm blanket against his skin, but it sends a shiver down his spine and kicks his fingers into action, once again on Robert’s jeans.

 

“We should stop,” Robert breathes into the crook of Aaron’s neck, hot and wet and never losing touch.

 

“Yeah,” Aaron agrees, it comes out more as a moan, vibrating in his throat and probably tingling on Robert’s lips.

 

Neither of them stop.

 

They work in sync, as Aaron’s fingers messily pull at Robert’s buttons while he rests his body against the hot metal of the car.

 

Now Aaron’s the one with lips against a neck, following the pattern of Robert’s freckles. He releases, with urgency, to finish the buttons on Robert’s shirt and reveal his pale, toned torso that his fingertips explore with ease.

 

He nips at the sharp collar bone, making Robert’s back arch and his mouth hang open and Aaron can feel him straining, hard and thick in his jeans which makes him practically drool over Robert’s chest.

 

His hand pushes down, deep into Robert’s jeans that were left loose and open from Aaron's previous fumbling fingers.

 

He feels him in his hand, revels in the pleasure that they’re both experiencing. But when a car horn goes off in the distance, he knows he’s cut for time.

 

Robert’s hands are in his hair as Aaron’s mouth travels lower, boxers and jeans pushed around ankles and Robert’s head bows, wanting to watch every move Aaron makes, his kisses wet and warm up Robert’s thigh.

 

Aaron’s the star of this show, and he knows it, as he teases with his tongue and caresses with his fingers.

 

Robert’s knuckles are bleeding white as he grabs onto the car door, Aaron makes work on him, head in perfect movement, other hand hand pulling himself free and savouring the moment.

 

Aaron continues, swallowing down and remembering the taste against his tongue as his nose nudges against the trail of hairs above Robert’s shaft, causing his own hand to ache in desire.

 

Robert’s biting his lip, trying his best to silence his moans but Aaron’s name still falls from his lips in a gasps and growls that he tries to swallow them back but his failing only encourages Aaron more as he works on his own thick handful and on Robert’s leaking cock.

 

There’s cars in the distance, the drum of their engine getting louder and louder, serves as a ticking timer of their private moment coming to an end.

 

Aaron can feel himself, his shaft pulsating in his hand and he knows he’s close, can tell Robert is too, from the whimper that releases from his lips and the way he thrust forward into Aaron’s mouth.

 

Robert comes apart underneath him, thick thighs trembling under Aaron’s hand, breath heavy and loud in the confined space.

 

Aaron swallows him whole, keeps going till he’s dry and worn out, making his own mess over his fist and collapsing between Robert’s thighs.

 

Aaron pulls himself from his knees, leans forward and takes Robert’s lips lazily in his own in a forceful and slow kiss that Aaron’s sure Robert can taste himself in, just as a car makes it’s way past.

 

The drive back is quick, speed limits being broken and fingers entwined, desperate to finish what they’ve started.

 

 

:::

 

Aaron’s exhausted. He can put it down to travelling, but he knows the real reason.

 

That his hooded eyelids and tired limbs are a result of months of catching up.  That the bruise on his hip matches the pattern of Robert’s fingertips. That Robert’s kisses are the source of the redness of his lips.

 

His head is on Robert’s chest, a comfort he’s missed. His fingers roam the freckles, connecting them with each trace of skin. Robert’s fingernails comb through his curls, reminding him he should find a barber now that he’s back home.

 

He’s in complete and utter bliss as they lay on Robert’s sofa, empty beer bottles and take away cartons surrounding them.  It’s quite possibly one of the best day’s he’s ever had.

 

He feels Robert’s fingertips trace patterns across his hipbone under the throw that’s covering their bodies. It’s far from sexual, just a gentle touch that reminds them both that this is real.

 

The laugher doesn’t stop, only when replaced with kisses or moans or talks about sweet nothings and plans for the future that seems a lot more real now they're not in writing.

 

There’s one unanswered question though, and Robert is the first to ask.

 

“So, are you going to unpack that tiny bag or…?” He questions into Aaron's hair and Aaron feels himself tense under his touch, before pulling back to look at him.

 

He can see the confusion on Robert’s face,  as he stutters with awkwardness. “Uh- Actually, I was going to stay at my mum's place.”

 

There's a brief silence as a look of disappointment flashes over Robert’s face and Aaron feeling it like a punch to his gut.

 

“Not- Not that I don’t want to,” Aaron panics, hand coming up to Robert’s jaw and cupping it with ease. “I just think- Maybe we should take things slow, yeah? See if we can go without killing each other for more than a weekend.”

 

He laughs, hoping to lighten the mood and bring a smile to Robert’s face. It works.

 

“No… You’re right,” Robert laughs out, and Aaron can see in his eyes he means it.

 

He lets Robert lean forward, presses a kiss to his lips that lingers and tingles and makes his eyes hard to re-open.

 

He falls asleep in the comfort of Robert’s strong arms and Egyptian cotton bed sheets — something he’s positive will be hard to leave in the morning.

 

:::

 

 

When Aaron moves into Robert’s apartment, it’s slowly and without precaution. It’s happens without either of them noticing, and with no complaints.

 

It starts with a toothbrush, placed next to Robert’s in the glistening bathroom.

 

He notices it one morning, once Robert’s slipped out from under his grip and creeped out to the office.

 

It’s after one of many nights of Aaron falling asleep in Robert’s bed, laptop perched on his knee and eyes heavy from studying.

 

He’d woke up around 3:00AM, covers up to his neck and arm slung around Robert’s torso as deep snores pleasantly filled his ears, before letting it drift him back to sleep.

 

The toothbrush is there the next morning, and Aaron couldn’t help but bite back a smile.

 

 

 

Next it’s a drawer, emptied out for Aaron’s necessities. It happens one night over dinner — or more so, what they have left of dinner.

 

Aaron’s contently watching Robert stir a pot of pasta sauce, legs kicking back and forth as he sits happily on the countertop next to him.

 

“That smells amazing,” Aaron compliments, a lazy smile on his lips as he sports his usual loungewear of white t-shirt and soft grey sweatpants — something he knows Robert's loves him wearing. One thing he’ll never get bored of, is Robert’s cooking.

 

Robert smiles back, bright lights of the kitchen making his eyes sparkle more green than usual and his skin glisten gold. His white shirt is rolled up to his elbows, his daily business tie discarded as soon a he walked through the door, followed by a kiss to Aaron’s forehead.

 

He scoops out the sauce, steam evaporating into the air between them as Robert cups his hand to catch any spillage and tentatively brings it over to Aaron’s lips.

 

Aaron’s lips curves into a smile, as the smell fills his nostrils. He opens his mouth, waiting and wanting.

 

But he’s shocked when his taste buds are not delighted. Instead the sauce drops, falling onto his white shirt sure to stain, splashes in his lap of his grey sweatpants.

 

He frowns, eyes trailing up from the mess to find Robert with an innocent look on his face, trying to hold back a laugh.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Aaron whines, rubbing at the mess of his shirt, already making it worse.

 

“It slipped,” Robert replies, shoulders shrugging, a sort of grimace mixed with a laugh on his face. He looks anything but innocent. Aaron rolls his eyes.

 

“You did that on purpose,” he sulks, Robert continuing to snicker in front of him and discarding the spoon. “This is my only clean shirt.”

 

“What a shame,” Robert coos, taking a step forward and slipping in between Aaron’s thighs like a missing piece of a jigsaw. He places a warm kiss on Aaron’s rough jaw, fingers toying with the hem of his shirt.

 

Aaron melts into the touch, annoyance suddenly disappearing as Robert’s warm fingers come into contact with the skin above his waistband.

 

He lets his shirt be pulled, lifts his arms up with ease as Robert discards it behind them and continues the kisses down his jaw, his neck, his chest.

 

“Maybe you should bring some clothes… You know, in case they get a little dirty,” Robert purrs into Aaron’s chest, leaving goosebumps in his wake and letting his fingers hook under his waistband.

 

The pasta sauce turns cold and the kisses last longer. Soon after, Aaron’s fingers are digging into Robert’s shoulder blades and his name falling from his lips.

 

The next day Aaron finds a emptied out drawer, a few folded shirts and underpants and a note from Robert.

 

 

 

_Thought i’d get you started_

 

:::

 

 

He doesn’t even notice it happening. It just feels so right, so natural, so content.

 

 

Aaron’s in Robert's bed, wrapped up in bedsheets and strong arms.

 

They weren’t supposed to be seeing each other until tomorrow. But when Aaron realised his laptop and notes where all left at Robert's, he’d made his way over late that evening and hadn’t been able to pull himself away.

 

“I’ve got class first thing in the morning,” Aaron groans, a yawn following as he snuggles his face deeper into the crook of Robert’s neck and places a soft kiss.

 

“Then just stay tonight,” Robert replies, the sound of his voice vibrating against Aaron’s lips on his neck.

 

He lets out a sigh, loud and dramatic as he pulls away, lifting himself up on his elbow so he’s eye level with Robert.

 

Robert watches him carefully, ocean coloured eyes gazing as he waits for Aaron to continue. Aaron’s eyes trails across his face, down past his jaw and land on the chain around his neck.

 

Aaron picks up the dog tags between his fingers. The ones he’d given Robert all those months ago at the airport. The ones that promised they’d be together. That that this was for real.

 

He still has them, still wears them close to his heart, even now with Aaron laying next to him. He  asks himself why he’d ever want to leave Robert even for a night?

 

“Or… I could stay for good?” Aaron suggests, eyes hidden under his lashes, voice soft and unsure of himself. He drags his eyes up, finally connecting with Robert’s; his filled with so much love and happiness and he cant help the grin that spreads up his face and shines out his eyes.

 

“For good?” Robert almost whispers, lips curving upwards by the second and revealing his pearly white smile.

 

“Yeah. For good,” Aaron repeats shyly, biting down on his bottom lip in hopes to stop the outburst he can feel coming along.

 

Robert nods, eyes still boring into Aaron’s before they’re both laughing like idiots and letting their giddiness take over without shame.

 

Robert leans forward, eyes fluttering close just in time for Aaron to appreciate the blonde of his lashes and the faint freckles on his eyelids. He lets his own fall shut, feeling the softness of Robert’s lips against his own dry ones. Mint dances on his tongue from Robert’s toothpaste as his shower gel fills his senses and Aaron know’s he wants to be in this moment forever; have every night for the rest of his life be like this.

 

And now, he can.

 

:::

 

If home is where the heart is, Aaron realises quickly that his is with Robert.

 

It’s so easy, so normal, so homely, that the days fly them by and he’s clinging onto the nights just a little longer, wrapped up in Robert’s arms because dreams are nowhere near as good as the real thing anymore.

 

In dreams, he can’t taste Robert’s cooking, the smell lingering as he opens the door with his own personal key, complete with a small Audi keyring. (A gift from Robert after they’d first moved in, following a late night discussing their favourite cars and their days as mechanics, during which Robert had vowed to buy him the real thing one day. But for now, the keyring will have to do.)

 

In fact, his favourite thing about home, is Robert’s cooking. Gone are the days of canned meals and simple sarnies in the short breaks from the field.

 

If they’re not eating out or ordering in, Robert’s over the stove, head in the oven or surrounded by vegetables and Aaron has to admit that his weekly cooking classes with Victoria have certainly paid off. His taste buds come alive with the taste of Robert’s cooking and the foot knocking against his under the table. It’s simple, and easy. He understands what people mean when they talk about home cooking.

 

 

 

In dreams, he can’t feel Robert’s touch; sensual, soft, savouring.

 

They are his favourite moments, when they’re just touching.

 

Aaron’s sprawled out on the sofa, he cracks his neck, stretches out his fingers, and yawns after his long day, before returning to the typing on his laptop. He has a deadline, one so different to what he’s used to in his day to day life. There’s no lives on the line, there’s no chance of no one surviving, but it’s a deadline nevertheless, and he’s determined to make it.

 

Going back to school is harder than Aaron had imagined, the early mornings and late nights he’s used to. But sitting in a classroom and writing essays is a struggle for him, and Robert knows it.

 

He makes his way over to the sofa, two hot mugs in hand and places one next to him. He looks up from his laptop with heavy eyes and smiles before dropping his eyes back down. Feeling his legs being lifted, he peeks around from his laptop, watching as Robert takes a place on the two seater sofa, placing Aaron’s sock covered feet back on to his lap and settling down with his coffee.

 

Aaron’s body relaxes, revels in the feel of Robert’s fingers simply resting on his shin. He sinks into the sofa, feels himself overcome with exhaustion and decides to call it a day, closing his laptop.

 

It draws Robert’s attention, has him looking at Aaron with a questioning look.

 

“ Tired?” He says, fingers moving from Aaron’s shin down to his feet and rubbing slightly.

 

“I am,” He sighs. “I have another 500 words to write tomorrow before I go to class.”

 

Robert smiles sympathetically, and Aaron knows he wishes he could help him.

 

“I'm proud of you,” He says, and Aaron’s heart skips a beat at the look in Robert’s eyes when he says it.

 

He smiles back, hopes the glossiness of his eyes doesn't show too much as he grabs Robert’s hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles.

 

“C’mon, let’s go to bed,” He suggests, and Robert complies, letting himself being pulled up.

 

They fall asleep wrapped up in arms, legs tangled and lips against chest. Aaron’s never felt more at home.

 

 

In dreams, he can’t hear Robert’s laugh.

 

Sundays are usually for lying in bed until noon, a walk around the park, and movies on the couch all day.

 

But not today. Robert’s scheduled day of cleaning. His vacuum and sponges at the ready.

 

Aaron wants to complain but even spending a day cleaning with Robert is better than a day without him.

 

He feels the sweat forming on his brow, having just finished rearranging the living room furniture. Robert’s still working hard on scrubbing the bathtub. He sighs, heading over to Robert and appreciating the view from above. There’s a smirk on his face, he bites back a laugh, Robert sporting bright yellow rubber gloves, bent over the tub.

 

It’s the type of feeling a letter and writing could never make him feel.

 

Robert hears the sniggering, turns to find Aaron stood above him with a good humoured grin.

 

“That's a good look on you,” He teases and Robert frowns at him before rolling his eyes.

 

“Don’t get too cocky. There's a pair waiting for you over there,” Robert replies, nodding towards the sink, his traditional smirk now back firmly on his face. He stands up and crosses his arms over his chest.

 

“No chance,” Aaron laughs but his face falls a little once he realises Robert is being serious.

 

“The toilet could do with a scrub,” Robert suggests and Aaron’s eyes bulge out of his head.

 

“I’m not cleaning the toilet,” He protests, the smirk growing ever bigger on Robert’s face.

 

“C’mon Aaron,” Robert whines, but there's a sparkle in his eye and a grin on his face and Aaron knows he’s up to something.

 

Trouble, he thinks.

 

“Not happening,” Aaron laughs and before he knows it Robert’s holding the shower head and cautiously stepping closer to him.

 

“Rob…” He warns, but he’s met with a bigger smirk.

 

“Imagine you were used to cleaning the toilet, you know with being in the army and all that,” Robert chuckles, small steps bringing him closer to Aaron.

 

“That was only for punishment. And I never needed punishing,” Aaron says proudly, eyelids batting; butter wouldn’t melt.

 

Robert takes one more step, eyes dark and playful and Aaron gives him a warning look.

 

“Well, maybe you need punishing,” Robert purrs, and Aaron would find it sexy if he didn’t have to put his hands up as a shield as soon as the words leave Robert's mouth.

 

He  laughs as the shower switches on, the water caressing Aaron's body as he tries to fight it off. It soaks through his t-shirt, making his hair stick to his head and his socks damp on his feet, but the sound of Robert’s laugh makes it all worthwhile.

 

It’s hearty, loud, makes him hold his side once the water’s switched off, tears are falling from his eyes. It’s music to Aaron’s ears, fuel to his heart and he can’t take his eyes of how beautiful Robert’s looks in the bright lights of their bathroom. 

 

Aaron's smiling so much his cheeks hurt, and his laugh has become silent but no less powerful, as he tries to catch his breath.

 

“You just made more of a mess,” he says once his laugh has subsided, his hair is still dripping wet.

 

“Worth it,” Robert replies, clutching at the wet fabric of Aaron’s t-shirt as he pulls him forward, pressing a wet kiss to his lips. “Now let's get you out of these wet clothes.”

 

It’s safe to say the toilet is forgotten about.

 

:::

 

The long days and hot sun quickly turns to dark afternoons and frosted leaves.

 

The moon’s faint when Robert kisses Aaron on the forehead as he leaves for work, careful not to wake him.

 

It’s bright and high when Aaron makes his way back from class, wrapped up in one of Robert’s cashmere scarfs and bracing the cold air.

 

Seasons change, weeks fly by and for once in his life Aaron’s isn't waiting on another day to pass, he just lives in the moment.

 

:::

  
**Leeds, UK - December 2013**

Aaron’s never been the biggest fan of Christmas; the bustling shops, the annoying songs on repeat, the sense of panic.

 

It usually comes and goes in fury of twinkling lights and novelty decorations, but somehow this year it’s less irritating.

 

Robert sings along with the radio while making them breakfast. After, they put the tree up together, and it’s the first time in years where the only decoration isn’t some tinsel around his bunk or a tacky piece of mistletoe over the door as a joke.

 

It’s exactly how he imagined it would be it would bet, but better. 

 

They sleep in late, gift each other with kisses and have chocolate for breakfast straight out of their Advent calendars and it brings a sense of nostalgia to the day, reminding Aaron of younger days.

 

They’ve been roped into family celebrations — dinner at the Sugdens and drinks at the Dingles — and as much as both of them would rather just spend it curled up in front of a movie, they both agree to attend.

 

It’s the best Christmas Aaron’s had since he was a kid. The Sugdens fuss over them, the Dingles force Robert to drink out of a welly, and he wouldn't have it any other way as his mother fondly kisses him goodbye on the cheek and he has to strain and arm around Robert’s waist to support his snowball-induced drunkness.

 

They exchange gifts once they’re back in the comfort of their own home, both having agreed to keep them small and inexpensive.

 

Aaron’s nerves are bubbling as he hands Robert over the package.

 

He’s not completely sober yet, but he manages to open the gift with ease and Aaron watches as he furrows his brow in confusion, holding the plaque between his two hands, before  slowly trailing his eyes up to meet Aaron’s.

 

There’s a wordless look between them and Aaron knows Robert is waiting for him to explain, but suddenly he feels shy and unsure of himself. He clears his throat, eyes still on the gift. 

 

“It’s, er, the constellations,” he gulps. But Robert still looks confused.

 

“The night sky,” Aaron explains again. “From the night we first met.”

 

His voice is soft and low and he feels his cheeks redden. “It’s stupid, I-”

 

“It’s perfect,” Robert interrupts with a slight gasp. His eyes sparkle as he looks down at the present and Aaron thinks no star could ever compare.

 

“I- er,” Robert coughs out, his eyes are glossy and Aaron can see he’s choked up but they both smile stupidly at each other. “It’s just something silly.”

 

He scratches the back of his neck, before passing a neatly wrapped box over to Aaron.

 

He smiles and nods his head. There’s an awkwardness to the situation that makes him want to laugh at how ridiculous they are.

 

He lets his fingers pull at the red box, peeling back the taped down corners, and marvelling at the gift now in between his hands.

 

Aaron recognizes what it is instantly and he suppresses a laugh. The glass shines and the fake snow dances inside it. He shakes it in his hand smiling, brings it up to his eyes and inspects it closer.

 

The snow globe is small, sparkly and has models of two men in front of a house kissing. One blonde, slightly taller, the other a brunette with a beard. He instantly recognises it as themselves. He lets his thumb trace over the date on it — today's date — and his smile grows wider. He takes his bottom lip in between his teeth and brings his eyes up to Robert.

 

He’s looking at him shyly, appearing young and ridiculously beautiful and Aaron loves him so. He truly does.

 

“I love you,” He spill out, laughing at how ridiculous but perfect the gift is. Robert lets out a light laugh too, before kissing Aaron on the lips.

 

Of course, being Robert, he doesn't stick to the rules. He pulls out a second gift later on when they’re getting ready for bed and Aaron rolls his eyes.

 

It turns out to be a brand new mobile phone. Not the latest brand, but it still screams expensive.

 

When he complains and tells Robert it’s too much, he’s just met with a laugh and a shake of the hand about how business is going well. Aaron fills with pride.

 

“Anyway, I miss talking to you when you’re not here,” Robert says softly. “I miss writing it all out for you.”

 

It makes Aaron's heart swell and fill with love. He kisses him hard, feeling dizzy with how lucky he is and Robert’s promising they’re going to be making the most of the HD camera before he’s falling asleep.

 

Aaron smiles down at him, pulling out his new phone and snapping a photo of Robert; bare chested, face squashed against the pillow, hair flat, and freckles dressed in twinkly Christmas lights.

 

He smiles as he sets it as his screensaver before falling into his own slumber.

 

:::

 

Vibrations. Ringing. Three little flashing dots.

 

Usually, it would irritate Aaron, but he finds himself constantly smiling down at his phone throughout his day.

 

 

 **Robert:**  I won’t be home in time to cook tea. Pizza ok?

**Aaron:** I’ve got a late class anyway, i’ll pick it up on my way back.

**Robert:** Extra prosciutto!

**Aaron:** As if i could forget your fancy taste.

 

Aaron’s surprised they’re still making traditions after all these months. But Wednesday becomes pizza and movie night, with him bringing a pizza back from his late class, and Robert having beers already cracked open and a blanket on the couch. It’s the perfect night in.

 

 

 **Aaron:**  I got the milk! Picked up some shopping. I’m thinking I’ll cook tonight?

**Robert:** Is this your way of saying you don’t like my cooking?

**Aaron:** It’s my way of treating you. Stop complaining!

 

Aaron leaves class early, lights the room with candlelight and buys Robert’s favourite wine.

 

It works, because Robert compliments Aaron’s food, his Merlot-stained tongue all over him by the end of the night.

 

 

 **Robert:** I miss you.

**Aaron:** You saw me this morning.

**Robert:** That was ages agoooo.

**Aaron:** Soft.

**Robert:** …

“Mr Dingle.”

 

Aaron's attention brought to his professor when his name is called deep and loud. He feels his smile drop, eyes on him, his professor raising eyebrow in his direction.

 

“Are you quite done?”

 

Aaron feels his cheeks heat up, feels small in his chair, before nodding back at his professor wordlessly.

 

“Right, shall we continue?”

 

He nods once more, and slips his phone into his pocket. Not before sending Robert one last text while his professor’s back is turned.

 

 **Aaron:** You got me in trouble!

**Robert:**  Looks like I’ll need to do some punishing of my own tonight.

He’s sat at home, trying to enjoy his day off, instead of regretting giving his number to Adam who hasn’t stop messaging him about his upcoming wedding all week,

 

 **Aaron:** Booked the B&B for next month, Adam keeps nagging me about the speech

**Robert:** Can’t wait to have you all to myself in that four poster bed!

 **Robert:** You’ll be great, we can go through it tonight if you want?

**Aaron:** Yeah, that will be great, just need to finish this essay first :(

Aaron’s overwhelmed. He’s got essays and deadlines and a speech to write. He’s just thankful there’s no stag do for him to organise. He knows he’s not the nicest person to be around right now, knows he probably just grunted replies to Robert this morning while he drank his coffee and let him kiss his cheek.

 

His phone vibrates on the desk next to his laptop and he smiles widely at his screen saver before opening up.

 

 **Robert:** I’ll pick up the suits tonight after work, save you the journey?

**Aaron:** Life saver! I still have 2000 words to write. Thank you.

**Robert:** You can thank me later, Chinese for tea?

**Aaron:** Sounds perfect.

**Robert:** Love you.

**Aaron:** I love you too.

**Leeds, UK - May 2013**

The sun bounces off the window and is bright in Aaron's eyes as they make the journey through the country lanes. It’s a beautiful day for a wedding, he thinks to himself, as he relaxes into the passenger seat of Robert's car.

 

The B&B is close to the ceremony. They drop their bags once their feet are through the door and Aaron watches Robert collapse onto the bed and spread his long limbs out with a soft smile on his face.

 

 

It’s just like he imagined, only better, because Robert’s there, in his casual clothes and flat hair and he wants to kiss him. So he does, because he can. He places his knees on either side of his body, straddling Robert’s thighs, surprising him as he kisses him from his lips down to his hips.

 

His releases his tension between the sheets, soft kisses and fingertips on his spine relaxing him until he’s stood in front of the mirror, struggling to do a windsor knot and panicking about running late.

 

It’s almost as if Robert can sense it, because of course he can. It’s been almost a year, and they know each other too well.

 

He feels strong hands around his waist, his eyes connecting with green-blue ones in the mirror and it relaxes him. Robert’s there, placing a wet kiss on his neck and smiling in the reflection. Eyes hooded and lips spread wide, in complete bliss.

 

Robert spins him round by the hips, Aaron letting him as he brings his large hands up to his tie, perfecting the knot with his more experienced fingers.

 

“You’ll do great,” Robert whispers, breath wetting Aaron lips as he does so before closing the gap and placing a kiss on them. It’s soft, silent and the air is thick in the room before he’s slapping Aaron on the ass and saying they're going to be late and they leave with gaped chuckles and smiles wide on their faces.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s never been one for weddings and sentimentality. But he supposes all that changed when he met Robert.

 

He’s sat, appreciating the decor and watching his oldest friend smile wide, feeling a warmth spread over him.

 

It goes off without a hitch, perfection until the last minute, and even Aaron is surprised at how well his speech goes down. He gets an occasional laugh, a few tears, and when he’s talking about love and soulmates, he catches Robert’s eye, his breath hitching as if they’re the only two people in the room. 

 

Now he’s stood on the edge of the makeshift dance floor, alcohol flowing through his veins and head feeling dizzy with delight. He watches on, as does everyone else, as the happy couple take their first dance and he can’t help but laugh when Adam throws him a thumbs up and a beaming grin. It’s the happiest Aaron’s ever seen him, the way his eyes shine when he looks at his bride, the way his smile hasn’t faltered all day, the way he kisses her forehead gently as they dance and Aaron has one particular person in mind when he thinks about that feeling.

 

Right on cue, Robert’s next to him, champagne glass in hand and tie loose around his neck. He’s discarded his jacket, rolled his sleeves up to his elbows and Aaron’s mouth is awfully dry as he appreciates the other man's forearms.

 

“C’mon then?”

 

Robert’s voice brings Aaron out of his trance of thoughts as he catches his eye, and scans his face. His smile is lopsided, curved on the right side but not quite on the left due to his tipsy state. His eyes shine with mischief and his hair is pushed perfectly off his face so Aaron can appreciate even the finer freckles that are scattered across his hairline.

 

“Huh?” He asks, as the people around him begin to make their way onto the dance floor and join the bride and groom.

 

“Dance,” Robert says, more of a statement than a question and he’s pulling at the lapels of Aaron's jacket as he does so.

 

 

Aaron laughs, because this is obviously a joke as he struggles out of his boyfriends grip.

 

“Not a chance,” he replies, but his feet are moving and his body is being pulled further into the crowds.

 

“C’mon,” Robert practically whines, and Aaron rolls his eyes. But his body relaxes when Robert’s hands fall from his jacket to his waist and he practically melts into his touch.

 

His hands do the same, thumbs rubbing against Robert’s hip bone through his trousers while Robert’s settle on Aaron's lower back. They’re so close now that Aaron can taste the whiskey on Robert’s breath.

 

“I don't dance,” he smirks, eyes towards Robert through his long black lashes and it receives a chuckle.

 

“What do you call this then?”

 

That makes him laugh loud and hearty, he realises he’s letting his body sway with the rhythm of Robert’s and somehow he’s caring less and less about their surroundings.

 

“Just… Standing, innit?” He replies, the smirk back on his red lips. He watches as Robert bites his bottom lip a little and lets his eyes linger closed for a second too long.

 

Aaron’s not even sure what song is playing, he’s not even sure if people are still on the dancefloor — hell, he couldn’t even tell you if people were still in the room. All he can see is Robert. Everything is Robert, as his grip gets tighter around his back and his head leans forward and rests on Aaron's own.

 

He wants to be in this moment forever, never wants to let Robert go, no matter what. He wants him next to him as they grow old, wants to witness the tips of his hair turn grey as the lines next to his eyes become deeper. He wants to hear his laugh every morning as an alarm and his snores every night as a lullaby and he wants this, all of this, the vows and the cakes and the ridiculous decorations. He wants it all, with Robert, forever.

 

Suddenly Aaron's eyes are wide with realization, with Robert right there in front of him, eyes still closed just being in the moment, while his heart feels like it's going to explode in his chest at any moment because he’s never had this before, never wanted it.

 

But he wants this, he wants it so much it’s starting to hurt and if he had a ring right now he’d probably be falling to one knee, everyone else be damned.

 

He feels his breathing unsteady and  his heart thump, his grip tightening on Robert’s waist, finally making him look up.

 

“I’ve had a really nice day,” he says, soft and quiet and only for Aaron's ears.

 

Aaron hums a reply, smiles as his eyes catch Robert’s own and replies. “I love you, Robert.”

 

He hopes he gets to say that for the rest of his life.

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - June 2013**

 

The skin around Aaron's fingers have become victim to his nerves. His leg jolts up and down and there’s a burning in his pocket where a little black box lays.

 

 

This is it.

 

 

 **Robert:** Still on for pub tonight? I’ll get out of my meeting early.

 

 

 

Aaron jumps at the feel of vibrations against his skin. Dates and times are lost on them. Anniversaries unknown and uncertainties of when they made everything official but one day has stuck out for Aaron. Today.

 

15th of June.

 

The day the rest of his life began. The day he left the army and flew home to Robert.

 

 

They’d agreed to keep it simple, quiet, returning to their local where they had their first date that weekend in Leeds, and Aaron had known then it would be the perfect moment.

 

 

He’s been on edge ever since he decided to purchase the ring, debating with himself over what style to get, his  fear of Robert finding it, and the hardship of keeping a secret.

 

But in just a few more hours, it will all be worth it.

 

He replies to Robert’s text, feels excitement and nerves bubbling up inside of him before heading for the shower.

 

 **Aaron:** Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s all over the place.

 

He can only hope Robert hasn’t noticed.

 

He’d practically forgotten how to speak, when Robert had emerged from the bathroom in his dress shirt and jacket and hair perfectly combed into place. It was embarrassing to say the least, when Robert had asked if he was ready to go and Aaron just choked on air before nodding in agreement.

 

But now, his palms are sweaty, as Robert takes one in his own hands and guides them to their table. The one they’d sat at the first time they were here, right in front of the unlit fireplace, tucked away from everyone else. Robert must’ve reserved it and Aaron’s heart does this thing in his chest at the thought and he knows more than ever how much he wants to do this.

 

His plate is still full with food when the waitress collects it, the sickening feeling in his stomach due to nerves increasing by the minute. The minutes feels like hours and it drives him insane; has him almost blurting the question out before they’ve even finished their pints.

 

They’d forgotten about the World Cup, so after they’d finished their meals the pub is beginning to bustle with people chanting for their teams and letting beer spill over the floor. Aaron’s nerves are bubbling higher inside him, it feels like there’s a clock ticking as the ring burns a hole in his jacket pocket and he’s tempted to just fall onto on one knee then and there in front of the crowds of people because he doesn’t care who knows how much he loves Robert.

 

He turns to face him, hand fiddling with the zip of his pocket and mouth unsurprisingly dry. He swallows, goes over the speech he’s had in his head for months and tries to remember what he wants to get across. He feels a drop of sweat on his brown and the collar of his shirt feels tighter. It’s now or never.

 

He opens his mouth, tries to form some sort of words as he pushes his chair backwards and gets ready for the most important question he’s ever going to ask… 

 

“I’m just gonna go the loo.”

 

Robert’s standing before Aaron even has time to process the words. His mouth is gaping open in an unattractive way and the words hang on the tip of his tongue as he watches Robert disappear into the bathroom.

 

He lets out a breathe he hadn’t realised he was holding in. His fingers tapping along the table, his eyes falling close.

 

_Come on Dingle, you can do this_

He lets his eyes flutter open, just in time to see Robert appear through the bathroom door. Aaron’s eyes stay on him, watching as he walks with confidence and swagger, turning heads, and eyes all over him. But he only looks at Aaron, and he has to bite down on the bottom of his lip when Robert catches his eye and smirks. He’s looking at him like he's the only person in the room, blue-green eyes locked and shining. Aaron looks at him, suddenly calm, floating in a ocean of blue and specks of green.

 

He stands as Robert approaches the table, wants to kiss him, wants to hold him, wants to drop down on one knee and ask him for the pleasure of forever.

 

“Right, ready to go?” Robert asks, flustered and with eagerness and Aaron’s left once again with a gaping mouth and furrowed brow.

 

He’s about to grab Robert’s arm, pull him back and finally do it when Robert starts walking, his steps long and fast and Aaron has to do a little jog to catch up.

 

“I thought we we’re going to stay for another drink?” He asks, tries to hide the panic in his voice as his feet move quickly to keep up to speed with Robert’s long strides.

 

“Nah, let’s get back before the match starts,” Robert says, not really looking at Aaron as he focuses on the short walk back to their apartment. Aaron’s face is full of befuddlement as he does nothing but follow Robert back in a hurry.

 

Their walk home is quick and silent and Aaron’s not sure if his nerves are in overdrive and making his mind play tricks on him, but something just seems off. So when they enter the apartment, he’s sure he just needs to get this over with.

 

Robert’s a few steps ahead of him, his eyes are scanning the room and he’s mumbling something about watching the football and Aaron can’t take it anymore.

 

“Robert can we just-”

 

But Robert’s still mumbling, only Aaron can’t quite make out what he’s saying and his frustration is growing, so he tries again.

 

“Robert, can you just listen for a second?”

 

There’s more mumbling, Aaron’s found himself nervously on one knee, turning hot and frustrated by the second. Robert’s still scanning the room for something and mumbling under his breath when Aaron finally inhales and shouts his name.

 

“ROBERT.”

 

There’s silence.

 

Eerie silence as Robert slowly spins his body in the direction of the shout.

 

Aaron's hands are trembling as they grip the ring box between his fingers, his heart is pounding against his chest and his voice is shaky when he finally speaks.

 

“Will you just shut up for one minute?” He breathes out, smiling shyly up at Robert whose eyes are wider and brighter than ever before.

 

Neither of them say anything. Robert’s still staring down at Aaron, mouth a little ajar and eyes bulging, Aaron realises he needs to speak.

 

“Look, I know it hasn’t been long, and I know we’ve already been through a lot, but- But I’ve never felt like this about anyone before Robert, and I just… I wanna know if you’ll marry me?”

 

It all comes out in one breath,  the only pause a stutter, and once he’s said the words it feels like the air is lighter and the room is brighter and he smiles widely at Robert whose expression is still one of shock.

 

There’s more silence, and Aaron feels his lips turn down and his laugh turn into shaky breaths when Robert still says silent after a few more seconds. He starts to feel sick to his stomach.

 

“Well, say something then,” he pleads, tries not to let his voice break and he watches as Robert gulps hard, Aaron's eyes follow the movement of his Adam's Apple as they become glossy.

 

Robert’s lips are in a firm line now, eyes boring into Aaron’s and making him feel small and stupid half kneeling as he is on the floor. It’s got to be minutes since he asked the question, and he’s sure, by now, that he’s made a fool of himself.

 

“Robert?” He whispers, head cocked to the side, eyes glossed over and heart on tenterhooks.

 

Not getting a response, he lets out a shaky sigh, lets his head fall as he prepares to stand when he hears movement from in front of him and is too intrigued not to look up.

 

His eyes trail up but stop short, when he notices Robert, knelt in front of him, with a shy look on his face and now Aaron’s more confused than ever.

 

He’s sure his expression probably matches Robert’s earlier, but when he’s goes to question him, he’s cut off.

 

“At least you remembered to bring the ring,” Robert chuckles, but its shaky and short and he finally locks onto Aaron's eyes through his long blonde lashes.

 

Aaron feels his brow knit in confusion, the words not quite making sense and his brain works in overdrive as he stares at the man he loves knelt before him. He looks down at the box in his hand and back up at Robert and suddenly he’s starting to piece it together and when he opens his mouth to speak, he doesn't get a chance once again.

 

“I wanted to do this earlier, at the pub, at our table. But, I, er- I forgot this,”  Robert’s shoulders shrug a little as he reaches behind him, something stuffed in his back pocket and Aaron can’t believe what he’s witnessing; couldn't speak if he wanted to now.

 

He blinks and suddenly Robert’s got a open box in his hands, mirroring Aaron’s. The band is thick, silver, shiny when it catches the light, identical to the one in Aaron’s hand which has him slowly starting to smile.

 

“Aaron, You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I never expected to feel the way I did when I woke up next to you that morning in Germany, and I definitely didn't expect to feel how I did when I woke up without you. Every since you’ve come back, you’ve been with me through every single moment, and it’s only made me certain that I don’t want a future without you in it. I want it all. Your morning breath kisses, the crumbs in the bed, the mess you leave in the shower and everything in between. We’ve been apart, and I never want that again. So that’s why I’m asking you this. Aaron Dingle, will _you_ marry _me_?

 

Aaron lets the words sink in, his mouth still hanging open and his heart pulsating so hard in his chest he’s scared it might explode. He’s staring into those crystal jade eyes of Robert's, filled with so much love and questions that still haven't been answered that he can’t quite believe what’s happening.

 

He feels his emotions take over as he swallows hastily and blinks back tears, his smile stretching out from ear to ear and Robert's visibly relaxing at the sight.

 

Aaron’s laughs, light and hearty as he shakes his head in disbelief and wipes at his runny nose.

 

“Get up you idiot,” he chuckles, getting to his feet and watching as Robert's frowns in confusion before doing the same.

 

Once Robert stands, his long frame gives him a couple of inches on Aaron, so he’s looking up at him from under dark lashes. Robert gives him a questioning look that says, ‘ _So_?’

 

Aaron bites down on his smile, then takes a step closer to Robert so he’s in the other man’s personal space, letting his hand rest on his waist while Robert's falls naturally, clinging to his elbow.

 

Aaron’s still smiling — not even trying to bite it back to stop it spreading — but Robert's still uncertain, weary without an answer. He cranes his neck ever so slightly so his nose brushes against Robert's; tip to tip, lips grazing but not quite touching, and Robert's melts into Aaron’s touch, eyes fluttering closed and forehead resting on his own.

 

Even with unanswered questions and confusion, they still pull towards each other, a magnetic force melting into one.

 

“I asked first.” Aaron whispers,speaks the words into Robert's lips but they still don’t kiss, just let their body’s sway naturally.

 

“We asked at the same time,” Robert argues, voice hushed and soft, and Aaron feels it against his lips and down his spine. He wants to continue teasing him, but he’s ready to burst with glee.

 

“How about we ask again? After three.”

 

Aaron smiles, lips now at the corner of Robert's mouth and it’s taking everything in him to not let his lips work on open skin.

 

“Ok,” Robert breathes out, his growing smile tickling Aaron’s own lips and making a warmth erupt inside him before they’ve even given their now obvious answers.

 

Aaron starts the countdown from three, unable to stop the smile that’s spread from ear to ear at how ridiculous they’re being as he reaches the end and opens his mouth to repeat the most important question ever asked.

 

He’s cut short, breath caught in his throat and words trapped in his tongue, as Robert's lips find themselves on his in a quick but forceful kiss that startles Aaron and has him panting with release.

 

“Of course I’ll marry you, you idiot,” Robert answers once they’re lips have parted and their eyes are once again connected and lost in each other’s.

 

Aaron involuntarily lets out a sigh of relief, unable to hold back his smile any longer, not that he wants to as he frantically pulls out the ring and swiftly places it on Robert's finger under his watchful gaze.

 

They chuckle in an awkward sort of way the screams, _Thank god it fits_ , before Robert's pulling out the identical ring and Aaron's laughing lightly again. He lets his hand be held by Robert's soft touch, the cold piece of metal sliding upward and finding a home next to his knuckle.

 

He looks up from his hand, gets lost in the ocean coloured eyes, before Robert's leaning forward once more and stealing a kiss that Aaron can’t help but melt into.

 

His heart is swelling and fit to burst, and he can’t recall this feeling. He’s never been as happy as he is in this moment.

 

“I thought it was a bit suspicious you wanting to watch the match so much,” Aaron says after a few moments of silence, the night’s events piecing together in his mind as he goes over them with a soft smile on his face.

 

“Yeah, I thought that might give it away. But I had to take that chance, ” Robert laughs and it’s infectious to Aaron who’s doing the same before they’re falling into each other with bumped shoulders and aching cheeks.

 

The word ‘Perfect’ comes to mind as Aaron falls asleep with strange but not unwelcome heaviness on the fourth finger of his left hand.

 

:::

 

Fiancés.

 

It feels surreal to Aaron. The word foreign on his tongue and hot in his heart.

 

Sometimes, he forgets. The thought not crossing his mind, that he and Robert are in this forever, until he’s drinking his morning coffee and the sun’s shining through their floor-to-ceiling windows and bouncing off Robert’s ring, making it glisten in his eye.

 

Other times, it hits him late at night, when he’s still wide awake staring up at the moon. Robert turns in his sleep, arm thrown lazily over Aaron's mid-drift, the cold metal of the ring startling him before he’s reminded that this is the rest of his life. Robert lightly on his neck, their legs tangled up; sock-covered feet hidden under the bedsheets.

 

It’s bliss.

 

It’s happiness.

 

It’s the calm before the storm.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s not sure what it is, can’t quite put his finger on why his eyes are wide open past midnight.

 

He blames it on the coffee, on the last nights studying and the long essays that make his fingers cramp. But it’s not the neverending papers or typing the startles him awake a night.

 

Instead, it’s the crashing; a loud ringing in his ears that pierces the drum and takes him back.

 

It’s the faint screams, loud shouting, and a heart racing with fear.

 

 

The pillow’s wet, his hair curled with sweat, his breathing laboured and heavy.

 

He’s stressed, he tells himself.  Too many essays and not enough sleep.

 

That’s all it is, stress.

 

 

:::

 

Robert’s complaining about the hot summer nights and the stuffy bedroom sleeps.

 

Aaron’s sat at the breakfast bar, eyes heavy and coffee mug in hand, agreeing.

 

He tells himself that’s the reason he’s awoken in hot sweats, his t-shirt clung tight to his body and that Robert must be experiencing the same thing.

 

:::

**Leeds, UK - September 2013**

Aaron’s leg is jittering. He can hear the voice of his lecturer passing through his ears. It sounds distance, muffled even though they’re only centimeters away. His focus is on his laptop, eyes scanning through news article after news article of bombings in Iran and the troops deported in Yemen and he twists his pen around between his fingers and tries to keep his breathing steady.

 

His chest is tight, his mind is racing. He knows what his lecturer is saying will be important and that the end of year exams are coming up, so he’ll need to put his everything in. But he still stays scanning the news articles on his laptop, bouncing his knee and feeling inferior.

 

He feels like a speck of dust, hopeless and useless. He wants to do something. It’s in his mind, in his veins, and in his blood. It’s what he’s trained for. Suddenly, sitting in this classroom for five hours a day feels like nothing but wasted time.

 

He draws blood on the skin around his nails, takes another sip of his black coffee, and continues to scroll.

 

He leaves the classroom having learnt nothing.

 

:::

 

“You’re up early.”

 

The soft voice startles Aaron, making his stone-like eyes trail upwards from where they’re fixated on his coffee mug.

 

Robert’s in a white t-shirt and boxers, golden blonde hair spiked in different directions due to his night’s sleep and a yawn escaping from his lips.

 

Aaron feels his own features soften as he takes him in, feels a warmth come over his once-cold body, feels a smile tickle his lips.

 

“Yeah, thought I’d have an early start,” Aaron finds himself saying, allowing Robert to press a dry kiss to his unkept beard covered cheek.

 

“I thought you didn’t have class today?”

 

Robert’s eyes flash with suspicion, even under the heavy eyelids of an early morning alarm. Aaron’s lost all concept of time, but he knows Robert wakes early for his Wednesday meetings, while he’s usually left cocooned in blankets with a kiss to his hairline bidding him goodbye. So he find himself saying more nonsense he didn’t think of.

 

“Yeah, I don’t. I was going to head to the gym,” he shrugs, forcing his eyes open and hoping they look more alive than he feels when he smiles at Robert who takes the seat in front of him.

 

His nights have gotten worse, and the days longer. He wakes when the moon is high and the birds are still silent; hot, sweaty, and panicked.

 

There’s screaming.

 

Shouting.

 

Crashing.

 

He feels paralysed. Wants to run, wants to help, but can’t..

 

“Aaron?”

 

He’s brought back down to reality by Robert’s voice, soft but stern with a hint of worry and his eyes flash towards his fiance who’s looking at him with a raised eyebrow, concern in his eyes.

 

“Sorry?” Aaron blinks, attempting to focus on the man in front of him.

 

“Are you alright?” Robert asks gingerly, rising from his seat. He’s in front of Aaron in a flash.

 

Aaron frowns, but he lets Robert push the damp curls back off his forehead and place the back of his hand there, checking his temperature.

 

After a few seconds, Aaron wiggles out of his grasp, bottom lip pushed out and eyebrows knitted.

 

“I’m fine,” he replies, because he is. He’s fine.

 

“Have you been sleeping ok?” Robert continues, persistent as always as he tries to catch Aaron's eye.

 

Aaron stands, body aching from lack of sleep as he does. He steadies himself with the chair, sighs a little before catching Robert’s wide eyes. “I’m fine, I promise.”

 

He half smiles and Robert’s hesitant before he releases a breathe which Aaron takes as him letting it go.

 

“Alright, I’m gonna jump in the shower,” Robert informs him, leaning over just to place another soft kiss on Aaron’s cheek. He melts into it and feels the heat even after Robert’s disappeared into the bathroom.

 

He changes into his running gear and leaves before Robert’s finished.

 

 

:::

 

 

Aaron finds himself having good days and bad days. Some days he’s awake before the sun rises, others he sleeps until late afternoon, without the motivation to even eat, and others still are spent with Robert; all blissful, calm, and at ease thanks to breakfast in bed, coffee stained kisses, and skin touching skin.

 

It’s in those moments Aaron can’t dream of being anywhere else.

 

Today's one of those days. It’s still pretty early, but they’ve moved to the living room, a thick duvet imprisoning them to the sofa and a Netflix series on loop.

 

Aaron’s head turns at the sound of the letter box, his feet perfect on Robert's lap and a bowl of popcorn in his own.

 

He turns back to Robert, pouts out his bottom lip and Robert chuckles —  probably because he knows him so well.

 

“Nope,” he laughs, shaking his blonde locks side to side.

 

“Go on…” Aaron moans, dragging out the last few letters and fluttering his eyelashes at Robert. “I’m too comfy.”

 

He snuggles further under the duvet.

 

“And I’m not?” Robert's returns, but he says it with a sigh as he pushes Aaron’s feet off his lap and struggles to escape their duvet cocoon.

 

He returns seconds later, Aaron watching him as he falls back onto the sofa and lets his feet back into his lap. His eyes travel the length of Robert's jaw as he tenses it in concentration, smiles at the hint of stubble, blonde and fair before Robert's handing him something.

 

“It’s for you.”

 

Aaron frowns at the white envelope in his hands, lets his eyes flash back up to Robert who’s looking at him with curiosity before they fall back down.

 

He notices the stamp straight away, a flush of nostalgia taking over before he’s opening it with ease and fumbling with whats inside.

 

His eyes scan the writing, quick and tentatively as his heart beats in his chest. He feels his jaw loosen, mouth hang open slightly, eyes growing wider.

 

 

He lets his eyes flicker up to Robert who’s throwing some popcorn in his mouth and feigning interest.

 

His heart surges as his eyes read on, shifting left to right rapidly as they take in the words. He feels a bubbling inside of him, his nerves race and he has to read the words once again.

 

_Bravery._

_Hero._

_Medal._

 

 

His body jolts, legs falling off Robert and onto the solid ground.

 

He hears his name being questioned, feels Robert’s eyes on him but he can’t stop his racing heart and thinking mind and he simply hands the letter for Robert to read as he let’s it all sink him,.

 

Him? A medal? For bravery?

 

What bravery? He left the army and sits in a classroom all day. He’s not brave, he’s useless.

 

“Aaron, This is amazing,” Robert gushes from besides him, it makes him finally look up from his gaze on the floor. He’s met with so much pride and love that his heart practically melts into his stomach and he has to bite back a smile that Robert’s own is making him feel.

 

“I was just doing my job,” he says, more to himself, eyes distant once more and mind remembering the almost fatalities of that day.

 

“My fiance, an army hero,” Robert jokes, poking at Aaron's side, smile still raging on his face.

 

Aaron lets the words sink in, lets himself be pulled for a forehead kiss from Robert’s sweet lips, lets himself think of all the brave men out there, still fighting for their country, still risking their lives, uncertain of a future with their loved ones. And here _he_ is, living a cushioned life of leisure.

 

He’s no hero. He was just doing his job.

 

That night his eyes don’t fall, he listens to Robert’s steady snores until morning, an ache building in his chest.

 

:::

 

Aaron’s got the visor down, piercing blue eyes staring back at him as the rain patters down on the window outside. He notices the sweat forming on his brow in his reflection, attempts to remove the dust from his uniform once more, his fingers trembling.

 

Robert’s got a smile firmly on his face, one he’s worn for the past week, ever since Aaron got the news of his award. But somehow it makes his nervous manner heighten.

 

When the car comes to a halt, Aaron’s mouth is suddenly dry and his hand stop functioning. He watches as Robert clambers from the car, his own suit fitting him perfectly but Aaron is paralyzed to his seat.

 

Robert eventually opens his car door, a raised eyebrow as Aaron nervously undoes his seatbelt and finally climbs out the car so they’re only centimeters apart.

 

“Ready?” Robert asks, ducking his head slightly to catch Aaron's eyes and giving him a supportive smile.

 

Aaron nods his head, shaky breath falling from his lips as he smiles back up at him with shining eyes. 

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Robert continues, his slender fingers find themselves at Aaron’s buttons, straightening them slightly before grabbing at his uniform covered biceps.

 

Aaron stays silent, not sure how to reply, not sure if he even can.

 

“Love you,” Robert says under his breath, his head dipping for a kiss as his hands pull Aaron closer by his jacket and he lets his nerves calm at the feel of Robert's lips.

 

“Love you too,” he smiles, letting his hand link up with Robert’s,his heartbeat steady as they head inside.

 

 

 

 

The room is stuffy, making Aaron pull at his collar and wipe at his brow and he knows his palms are sweaty in Robert's hand. He nervously moistens his dry lips, swallowing down the swelling lump in his throat.

 

He feels out of place in his formal suit and shiny shoes, feeling lost as he steps further in and searches the crowd for familiar faces.

 

It’s only when his eyes fall on one, that he suddenly begins to feel normal again, his breath steadying and his heart regaining a steady beat.

 

He has to bite back a smile, connecting his ocean blue eyes with deep chocolate brown ones and before he knows it his name is being called across the room and his feet are moving towards it.

 

Adam’s voice fills his ears, filling the room as he lets himself be pulled into a hug, the familiar sound of his friend’s cackle in his ear.

 

His smile is wide now, spreading from ear to ear and unable to  be contained as Adam grabs his by the bearded cheeks and places a messy, overdramatic kiss to his forehead.

 

“It’s so good to see you mate,”  Adam laughs, and Aaron can't help but mirror it as he’s finally freed from Adam’s grip.

 

He takes a second to glance back, wanting to make sure Robert's okay and close by. He’s met by a supportive smile and a nod of the head as he stands back, surveying the room.

 

But Adam has other ideas, bouncing over and pulling him into a unexpected hug, smile bright as always. Aaron smiles to himself, misses hearing that laugh everyday.

 

It’s not long before the room is full of familiar faces, familiar voices, and familiar stories.

 

 

 

He’s suddenly at ease, as though he belongs, and his nerves disintegrate as the ceremony starts.

 

He’s sat with his crew, stories being shared and memories being spoken of fondly. His legs are steady, smile prompt and he feels at home in the unfamiliar building.

 

Their chattering comes to a silence once his sergeant takes the stand and begins to talk about that fatal night in Africa and the bravery of Aaron and his team.

 

 

Aaron’s eyes flicker over to Ross, he’s wearing the same haunted expression, remembering how close they came to losing it all. But a smile slowly finds it’s way onto his face once he remembers where he is now, and how far he’s come.

 

Names are called one by one, each followed with a salute and applause. Aaron’s fingers tingle with excitement when his own is being called from the stage.

 

He stands, feeling comfortable in the uniform he doesn't deserve to wear anymore and he makes his way to the stage gingerly.

 

He bites back his smile as his sergeant attaches the pin to his uniform. Lets his hand grasp at the velvet box holding the shining piece of silver attached to a colourful ribbon, feels natural saluting him like he used to before he’s ushering himself off to the side of the stage to meet the rest of his crew.

 

He hears the applause, but knows he doesn't deserve it. He catches Robert’s eye in the crowd. He’s standing, beaming with glee, hands clapping and smile wide across his face. Aaron gives him the smallest of nods and lets his own smile break free.

 

 

 

The whole crew is there, so they let the photographer snap a few shots and more people speak hopeful and thankful words.

 

 

 

Aaron makes his way off the stage when he feels an hang in his shoulder. “So, that’s the bloke then ?”

 

He recognises the voice instantly and turns without thought.

 

Ross Barton.

 

Aaron smiles, the man may irritate him but sometimes he quite misses his sarcastic ness and inappropriate jokes. .

  
“Yeah, it is.” He says, eyes focused on Robert in the crowd and a small smile playing on his lips.

 

 

“Worth it?”

 

His eyes flicker back to Ross, he’s got a raised a eyebrow and a smile you’d love to punch.

 

“Yeah. He is.” Aaron answered honestly and Ross’ Smile softens for a moment.

 

  
“Good.” He says, back to his smirk. “Hate to think I listened to all that whining for nothing.”  
  
Aaron rolls his eyes but there’s a playfulness to it. They share a  smile, knowing look. They will never beat the beat of friends but they somehow have a lifelong bond now. Because only they know what it was like that day. Because they made it out and they’re okay.  
  
“Take care of yourself.” Ross tells him with honesty in his eyes as he squeezes his shoulder and heads in the opposite direction

  
“You too.” Aaron calls into the air, a bittersweet was to the whole situation.

 

He exits the stage, a excited fiancé waiting for him. He takes his hand, let’s him shower him with praise and smiles.

 

 

 

It’s over quicker than Aaron would admit he’d like it to be, and suddenly, he’s saying goodbye again.

 

Yeah. He made it back. So why does he still feel this empty? 

 

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - November 2014**

Aaron finds himself running; morning, noon, night.

 

He wakes up in a sweat, a jolt, a panic.

 

He’s restless, the bright red lights of the alarm flash 4:00 AM and he attempts to change into his running gear quietly.

 

He runs to feel a release. He runs to fill a void. He runs to feel valid.

 

 

Robert has started to worry when Aaron isn’t in his arms of a morning — or when he returns from class with sweat dripping from his curls and legs aching with each step.

 

And Aaron knows it; can feel in in unasked questions and the tension between them but he can’t stop, he must do something.

 

He runs ‘till he can’t any more, until he collapses on the steps of their apartment or strains his lungs for air, but he can’t seem to stop.

 

 

He ignores it for as long as he can. Tells himself it’s stress relief, fitness upkeep, anything that makes him feel better, but Robert’s not as easy to convince.

 

 

It’s when Aaron’s leg is jittering as they sit on the sofa, his fingers tapping against the arm, that he can’t take it anymore. He stands and mumbles something about going to the gym, but Robert physically tenses.

 

“Didn’t you run this morning?” Robert frowns, shifting his whole body towards Aaron and staring deep into his eyes.

 

Aaron looks to the floor, scratches his neck, and shrugs his shoulder. “Yeah, but I was taking it easy.”

 

Robert sighs, there’s a flash of something in his eyes. “Can’t we just watch a movie or something.”

 

He stands, a few inches taller than Aaron.

 

“You’ve been in class all day, I’ve barely seen you,” he takes a step closer to Aaron, pouts his bottom lip, and tries to catch him by the elbow.

 

Aaron moves out of his grip, and lets out a breath as he watches Robert’s face fall.

 

“I won't be long.” he promises, before disappearing out the door.

 

 

 

The room is darker when he returns, only the TV illuminating his surroundings. His chest is tight, breathing uneven and limbs heavy as he grabs a glass of water to quench his thirst.

 

It’s then he notices the movement from the sofa. Robert sits up, rubbing at his eyelids and hair sticking up at the sides. Aaron feels instantly calm looking into his eyes, but it doesn't last long.

 

“You’ve been out for two hours, Aaron.”

 

It’s the first thing Robert says. Not a hello, not a warm smile, not a kiss.

 

He looks angry, stressed, upset. Aaron glances at the watch around his wrist; didn’t even realise how long he’d been running for.

 

He doesn’t reply to Robert’s statement, doesn’t know what to say.

 

Aaron finishes off his glass of water, tries to avoid that look in Robert's eyes and mumbles about getting a shower.

 

“Aaron, please,” Robert stands, the soft throw falling off him and onto the sofa and Aaron can’t help but look into his eyes now. “Talk to me.”

 

Aaron’s brows meet in the middle, he stares at Robert in the dimly lit room before he exhales. “About what?” He questions and Robert sighs once more.

 

“This.” Robert almost shouts, hands gesturing to Aaron in front of him. “About you, about the running, about how you can’t sleep at night.”

 

His eyes are wide, pleading and Aaron stares at the ground.

 

“I’ve told you, there's nothing to talk about. I’m just keeping fit,” he shrugs, trying not to feel the gaping hole in his chest, trying not to let his eyes deceive him.

 

Robert scoffs and Aaron feels his jaw tense at the noise.

 

“What's going on Aaron?” Robert persists, he looks exhausted and it kills Aaron, makes him look to the floor again.

 

Aaron’s eye don’t move, he feels his shoulders tense before Robert speaks again.

 

“Aaron, where have you been?” he asks gingerly, almost scared of the answer.

 

“I told you, I’ve been running,” he replies frustrated, eyes now up to the ceiling in annoyance.

 

“You can’t even look me in the eye.” Robert says sadly, the fight in him swelling. It pulls at Aaron’s heart strings, makes tears form in his eyes. “I-”

 

He tries to think of a response, but falls short.

 

“You’re gone in the middle of the night, you’re not there when I wake up, when you are, you’re asleep on the couch… You disappear for hours and all you can say is you’ve been running?”  Robert's voice falters, has to swallow down his emotions and Aaron starts to piece together his words, finally looks up to meet his gaze.

 

Robert’s eyes are shining, the green specs fading into the blue and a sadness all over them and Aaron feels a pain in his chest.

 

“What’s really going on Aaron?” Robert asks, his glossy eyes pleading and his voice strained as it releases. “Am I not enough?”

 

Aaron’s face drops, his brow knitting and jaw loose. He feels all the emotions at once: sadness, anger, and disbelief. He opens his mouth to question him, but words stay strangled in his throat. He suddenly feels sick and scared.

 

Robert must notice his reaction as what it is, because suddenly he’s defending his accusations.

 

“Well what am I supposed to think?” He asks, his voice a bit more steady than before. “You don’t talk to me Aaron.”

 

It breaks again, defeated, a cry in his throat.

 

Aaron shakes his head, his heart breaking with each word and physically he can’t speak, can’t humour Robert’s accusations.

 

 

His anger takes over and he bites down on his lip, exhaling heavily before turning his back to Robert without another word.

 

He storms towards the bathroom, head low and vibrating. He clenches his fist to try and release his anger, wishing he could run again.

 

“Aaron?” Robert shouts from behind him, it's firmer than before, angrier.

 

 

“I’m getting a shower,” he replies, low, and without turning.

 

“Don’t follow me.” He warns, before using all his strength to slam the door behind him, watching as the mirror shakes on the wall.

 

:::

 

The hot water relaxes him, sinks into his bones and loosens his muscles. He lets the anger evaporate out of him and get lost in the steam of the water and suddenly all he feels is sadness and guilt.

 

He knows he should talk to Robert, knows he’s been hiding how he truly feels for some time now and that he can’t deny it anymore. It’s taking over his life. 

 

He steps out of the shower, body loose and heavy, feeling somewhat defeated; exhausted.

 

He’s not sure how long he’s been in there for, as he wraps a towel around his waist and steps out into the dark and silent room.

 

His eyes instantly scan the room for Robert. His heart aches when he feels the lack of his presence in the room.

 

A breeze sends a shiver down his water slicken spine as he drags his feet to their bedroom, exhaustion taking over.

 

He spots him as soon as he enters, the shining silver of the moonlight highlighting him as he curls himself into a ball at the corner of their bed, his back towards Aaron.

 

He doesn’t move when the door clicks shut, or when the floorboards creak, or when the bed dips and Aaron’s shuffling his body closer, yearning to touch him.

 

So he does, he lets him scoop an arm under the bedsheets and over Robert's waist, strong and secure. His chin rests on his shoulder, propping his body up with his spare arm, and places a soft kiss on his cotton covered shoulder. An unspoken apology, a white flag between them.

 

Robert's body’s tenses under Aaron’s touch and it makes his heart strain in his chest before Robert’s shuffling under the covers and turning his body towards Aaron.

 

Aaron catches his eye as soon as he turns. They’re covered by heavy eyelids stained red and full of questions and all Aaron can do is stare back into them.

 

They stay like that for a few minutes, silent and wordless, just the sound of their breathing filling the room. They’re faces are close, not quite noses grazing but enough for Aaron to noticed the bags under Robert's eyes and the frown lines on his forehead and he feels awful for making him worry.

 

It’s what spurs him into finally opening his mouth and breaking the silence. 

 

“I’m not cheating on you Robert.”

 

It’s a whisper, a sad statement he’d never thought he’d ever have to say and Robert's quick to reply.

 

“I know, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-“

 

“No, I’m sorry,” Aaron cuts him off, voice still low and fragile. He’s not good at talking about these kinds things. 

 

“Just talk to me Aaron,” Robert sighs, eyes pleading. “Please.”

 

And Aaron wants to, he really does but he doesn’t know where to start.

 

“Something’s not right. I know you,” Robert continues, his eyes more alert now, his mouth turned into a frown. ”Even when you’re here, it’s like you’re somewhere else. You’re not yourself, Aaron.”

 

Robert's voice breaks and Aaron brings his hand up from his waist and cups at his jaw, strokes his thumb across the edges of his cheek bone and looks sadly into his eyes.

 

He feels the tears tease at the corner of his eyes, feels the lump growing in his throat and his muscles in his chin quiver.

 

“I’m struggling,” he admits, almost a gasp, and he feels a tear glide down his cheek and get lost in his stubble.

 

Robert sits up a little straighter, eyes filled with concern and Aaron carries on. “I’m a mess. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight. I wake up and I can’t breathe.”

 

It all feels so real as the words leave his mouth for the first time.

 

Robert's propped up on his elbow now, eyes boring into Aaron’s own as tears fall without graces or remorse. He brings his spare hand across and links it through Aaron’s shaky fingers.

 

“When I sleep, it’s like I’m back there. The shouting, the shooting. But I can’t do anything to help. I can’t do anything all all.”

 

More tears fall and Robert's sat up straight now, back against headboard and arms around Aaron's shoulders and bringing him close to his chest. He soothes him, hand in his hair stroking lightly.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks softly, shaking his head side to side.“I should've known something was up.”

 

He sounds like he’s blaming himself and Aaron’s finally looks up from his position in Robert's chest. “No, it’s my fault. I just- I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t wanna be weak-“

 

“Aaron. You’re not weak,” Robert's says sternly, soft sad eyes looking into his own.

 

“You’re the only thing that’s kept me going, Robert. The only thing that keeps me sane. I love you.”

 

Robert's shushes him, hand now cupping Aaron’s jaw and wiping away his tears.

 

“You need to talk to me about these things, Aaron. Let me in. Let me help,” Robert's pleading now, his own tears desperately close to falling and his breathing unsteady.

 

“I just thought if I tried to deal with it myself, it would go away.” 

 

Robert frowns, and Aaron has to look away.

 

“Is that what the running is about?” He asks and Aaron nods, eyes focused on their intertwined fingers.

 

“You can’t beat yourself up, Aaron. You’re the bravest person I know. It’s not weak to ask for help.”

 

Aaron stays silent, sniffs away his tears and tries to smile at the man he loves. “You go to sleep, and I can’t, I have to move, I have to run, I need a release.”

 

Robert's nods and stays listening. “I need to feel like I’m doing something, like I’m valid. Running is my distraction. It makes me feel less numb.”

 

Aaron sniffles back more tears, free hand wiping furiously at his eyes as Robert watches on.

 

“I can’t do this on my own, Robert,” he admits, the words hurting as they leave his lips.

 

“You’re not alone,” Robert assures, “You’re with me now.”

 

He kisses at Aaron’s curls, pulls him back into his side and rubs his hand up and down Aaron’s bare arm.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” Aaron says into his chest, it’s muffled and a whisper but Robert hears it.

 

“You’ll get help. We’ll do it, together,” Robert promises, Aaron's tears drying on his t-shirt.

 

Aaron nods, feels a smile on his face that isn’t forced for the first time in weeks as he melts into Robert's side feeling exhausted.

 

“I love you,” he whispers once more, eyes heavy like his chest.

 

“Well, it's a good job you’re marrying me then,” Robert says lightly, as if he’s hoping the mood of the room will shift with his bad attempt of a joke.

 

Aaron smiles against the fabric of his shirt, tightening his grip on Robert’s waist, his breathing calming down.

 

“I love you,” Robert tells him, giving Aaron one last kiss on his head before he feels himself falling into slumber.

 

It’s the first night in months he doesn’t wake up in fear.


	5. Chapter 5

**Leeds, UK - March 2015**

Aaron’s stood over the washing machine, lips turned down in a confused frown and fingers pinching at the brim of his nose.

 

“Didn’t expect you home so early.”

 

He’s startled out of his thoughts by Robert’s voice. He turns in time to watch him drop his briefcase, soft smile on his face as he steps into Aaron's personal space.

 

“Yeah, I got out of my session early,” Aaron’s says with a breath of release. He lets himself be pulled closer by his hips as he grabs at Robert’s elbows

 

“Everything going ok?”

 

His face flashes with concern, his eyes looking deep into Aaron’s.

 

“Yeah, everything's going great,” he smiles back, letting himself relax into Robert's touch.

 

 

It’s no lie, the counselling is going great, much to Aaron's surprise.

 

The first sessions were the hardest. He’d bit down on his lip and twisted the ring around his finger as he avoided certain questions.

 

 

Others had gotten easier, with Robert taking  the afternoon off and coming to hold his hand, or the days where he’d get to talk about the job he loved for so many years.

 

The hardest was when he’d let his heart spill out on the coffee table in front of them, when Denise, the elderly woman with short brown hair and round glasses would get it so right that he couldn’t deny anything.

 

The sessions where he’d delve into his issues with his father and his lack of family. The sessions where he talked about his band of brothers and his sergeant who believed in him from the start.

 

 

And sometimes, sometimes they’d talk about Robert, and Aaron couldn’t help the grin the spread across his face and the light that flickered in his eyes, like it does anytime he talks about Robert.

 

Now, the biggest struggle is finding the time to fit in his counselling, along with his classes, his running group and Robert.

 

 

Robert leans into Aaron, eyes fluttering close and lips just slightly to the side of his mouth when Aaron’s pulls aways slightly.

 

Robert pulls back, eyes open and brow furrowed as he looks at the younger man, whose eyes shift to the side.

 

“Aaron?” His voice is laced with worry and Aaron releases Robert’s elbow to scratch at his eyebrow before finding the courage to speak.

 

“I, erm-” He stumbles over his words, head nodding behind him and Robert’s eyes follow for a second before flashing back to Aaron with lingering confusion.

 

“I just thought I’d get some washing done, you know, while I was home early.”

 

Robert's frown slowly changes to a soft smile as Aaron loosens himself from his fiance's grip and heads back over to the washer.

 

Robert goes to speak but Aaron cuts him off with a sort of grimace, “I sort of…” 

 

Robert eyes him suspiciously and Aaron just accepts his fate and pulls out the shirt from the washer and hold it up in front of Robert’s face.

 

He watches as his face changes from suspicion to complete horror in seconds and Aaron wants to laugh but he refrains and rubs his lips together.

 

“I guess I messed up somewhere,” Aaron shrugs, Robert’s crisp white business shirt now a slight cast of pink in his hands and he feigns innocence as Robert pulls it towards him to inspect closer.

 

 

“Aaron, this is my best shirt!” Robert’s mouth hangs upon, an appalled look on his face and Aaron does his best to hold back his laugh but fails. His cheeks puff out before he sniggering into his hand and watching Robert wide eyed looking at him.

 

“Do you know how much this cost?” Robert asks but his face is softening with each passing moment.

 

“I'm sorry,” Aaron snickers, taking a step closer to Robert and letting his laughs settle down, “I’ll make it up to you.”

 

Aaron pouts, eyes looking up through thick lashes at Robert as he pulls him in by the waist and waits for his fiance to smile.

 

“It’s a good job I look good in pink,” Robert says with a sigh, an eye roll, and a smirk and Aaron pulls him in that little bit closer, pink shirt forgotten about.

 

“As long as you don’t wear it at our wedding,” he whispers with a smile.

 

“Planning already are we?” It’s Robert’s idea of a joke but it brings heat to Aaron's cheeks making them tinge a slight pink and pull backwards slightly, eyes diverting to the ground.

 

“We should,” Robert adds, witnessing Aaron’s reaction to his joke. “I mean, we have to at some point, right?”

 

Aaron looks up once more, into Robert's shining eyes now and he feels himself relax into the other man's grip once more.

 

“Yeah but, we’re not having anything too big, right?” He furrows his brow, the thought of ‘a big gay wedding’ making him cringe.

 

“I want it to be special though,” Robert adds, noting their instant disagreement. His hands still rubbing Aaron's biceps softly.

 

“Everyday with you is special,” Aaron says quietly and suddenly the mood has changed, but not for worse.

 

Robert smiles back, it crinkles at his eyes and dips in his cheek right where his freckle starts and Aaron doesn’t feel like an idiot for letting his softness out.

 

“You owe me a new shirt you know,” Robert smirks, lightening the mood and making Aaron burst into laughter once more before placing a light kiss on Robert's soft lips.

 

 

 

 

:::

They're sat in the park not far from Robert’s work, on a rare afternoon off together and Robert’s got his eyes focused on his phone while Aaron casually sips on his beer. It's a calm day, the sun shining but with a slight breeze that has Robert keeping his jacket on and depriving Aaron of the rolled up sleeves and forearm look that he enjoys so much.

 

They’re lounging on a blanket that Aaron brought from home, along with the fancy German beers Robert likes and all the necessities for a good picnic. It’s worth eating a cucumber sandwich for the smile on Robert’s face when he’d showed up at his work with an early birthday surprise.

 

Planning their upcoming nuptials was not something Aaron could ever see himself doing, certainly not with someone as amazing as Robert. But here he is, talking catering and rolling his eyes while staring into beautiful aqua splashed pupils.

 

“Flowers. Surely we’ve got to have flowers,” Robert’s saying to Aaron without looking up from the Pinterest app on his phone and Aaron lets out one of his many sighs of the day.

 

“Robert, we are not having flowers,” he groans, rubbing at his temples and taking another sip of his beer.

 

One thing he didn’t expect, is just how much him and Robert could disagree. Colour schemes, table settings, what flavour cake. If he had it his way, they’d get married right here and now without all the fuss, but along the line they’ve found a compromise.

 

“Fine. Just one flower, on your suit. A corsage,” Robert finally looks up from his phone, an eyebrow raised at a lazy Aaron propped up on his elbow.

 

Aaron sits up straighter, a smile forming on his lips.

 

“I’ll wear it, on one condition.” The smile forms into a smirk and Robert looks at him expectantly. “We serve pizza at the party.”

 

Robert rolls his eyes and lets out a laugh of disbelief as Aaron lets a laugh escape his lips. “Aaron, we’re not-”

 

Rober stops short, the smirk on Aaron's face a obvious sign of his teasing.

 

“At least pretend to be interested,” Robert moans, a slump to his shoulders as he sulks.

 

“I am,” Aaron defends, sitting up straighter and turning his whole body towards him. “Robert, we don’t need fancy food or a big do.”

 

Robert looks up to catch Aaron's eye, looking a little less sulky.

 

“I’d marry you in a ditch if I had to,” he lets his knee bump against Robert's, his hand falls on his thigh and he keeps his gaze on him.

 

Robert smiles, bottom lip no longer stuck out and his head cocks to the side slightly.

 

“There is one thing I wanted to run by you,” Aaron says tentatively. He feels a heat on his cheeks and he picks at a stray piece of cotton on Robert's jeans.

 

“Yeah?” Robert's asks, voice laced with excitement and question.

 

“Well, I’d really like to wear my uniform.” Aaron continues, all in one breathe, eyes looking up to Robert's awaiting his reaction. “It’s just, I've never really imagined myself getting married. So colour schemes, table decorations, none of that other stuff matters, but I've always dreamed of wearing my uniform.”

 

Robert’s smile grows across his face, making his eyes crinkle and shine at Aaron who feels like gold under his  gaze.

 

“I think that's a great idea,” he agrees. But he looks lost in thought for a moment before his eyes focus back on Aaron.

 

“I’ve always fancied a man in uniform,” he jokes and Aaron shoves him as a light chuckle releases from his lips.

 

“Lets just keep it simple, ok?”  Aaron reminds him, but Robert doesn’t reply

 

He inches his face closer to Robert's, his smile growing by the seconds as their noses touch.

 

“Okay?” He asks once more, small chuckles releasing from his lips as he watches Robert’s smile grow once more.

 

“Okay,” Robert says in a low hush, speaking the words into Aaron’s mouth as their lips stay only a hair’s length apart and Aaron can taste Robert’s beer tinged breath as his tongue darts out his to lip.

 

He presses his lips forwards, the desire to take Robert’s lips all too much and he's just about to capture the plump bottom lip between his own when something on his leg startles him.

 

Aaron pulls back, leaving Robert's lips waiting and wanting before they turn into a frown and he looks towards the pulling on his leg.

 

He’s not sure what he expects to see, but it certainly isn’t a small hand, clinging onto the cuff of his jeans and huge blue eyes staring up at him.

 

His heart feels as though it melts when he stares at the small human in front of him, chubby cheeks and drool falling from the curved lips. The small child smiles up at Aaron, doesn’t look older than two-years-old, Aaron smiles back almost instantly and without thought.

 

“Hey, little guy,” Aaron waves his large hand before the child is hooking its own tiny one around his index finger and not letting go.

 

“You’ve got some grip on you haven’t ya?” Aaron laughs, watching the small boy giggle as he waves a small elephant teddy in Aaron’s face.

 

“Who this?” Aaron asks, voice soft and sweet and he feels eyes on him so he turns to Robert for a brief moment. He’s met with big eyes filled with adoration and a soft smile is on his lips. He looks almost angelic. 

 

Aaron returns his attention to the small boy in front of him.

 

“Nelly,” he giggles out, referring to the stuffed toy in his hand and Aaron’s smile grows.

 

“Well, Nelly, nice to meet you. Do you know where Mummy and Daddy are?” Aaron says, each word animated and expressed with his face and the small child continues giggling before Aaron’s moving to crouched position and holding his hand.

 

As if on cue, there’s a commotion in front of them and Aaron looks up in time to spot the woman rushing towards him with a look of relief on her face.

 

“Oh thank god,” she says with a exhaled breath, scooping the small boy into her arms and holding him close. 

 

“Turn my back for one minute,” She continues and Aaron’s laughing lightly.

 

“Luckily he didn’t get very far,” Aaron's smiling, and waving his finger in front of the small boy and letting him hook his small hands onto it once more.

 

“Thank you,” the flustered woman smiles towards him and he shrugs it off, smile still wide and towards the child.

 

“Don’t forget Nelly,” he says, noticing that the small stuffed toy’s been dropped in the process, and handing it to the small child, watching as he hugs it tightly.

 

He waves once more, receiving one back from the tiny hand in front of him as he mouths a goodbye and he can’t help but feel his smile grow with each second, everyone receiving a smile and a wave from the small boy until the family are back on the other side of the park and Aaron’s crashing back down on the blanket. 

 

He turns to catch Robert's gaze on him. He looks in awe, eyes wide and smile soft and lazy on his face. Aaron almost feels like blushing under his stare as he picks up his discarded beer and turns towards his fiancé.

 

“What?” He asks, a little self consciously and with a laugh.

 

“You were great with him,” Robert gushes, a fond look on his face, eyes catching every detail.

 

Aaron shrugs, feels a blush on his cheeks as he traces his finger around the mouth of his beer bottle.

 

“Seriously,” Robert adds and Aaron smiles back at him.

 

“Kids love me,” he says now with more confidence, a smile still tugging at his lips at the memory of the small hands that clasped around his finger.

 

“Who wouldn’t?” Robert teases, cocking his eyebrow and smiling wide at Aaron and he just laughs in return.

 

It says silent for a second, Aaron sipping at his beer while watching people pass by. Robert lost in thought before he breaks the silence.

 

“Do you ever-” He starts, looking up from his hands and connecting his eyes with Aaron’s bright blues, before asking with less confidence than usual in his voice, “Do you ever think about having kids one day?”

 

Aaron's sits up a little straighter, let’s the question digest as he does so. Thinks over the answer.

 

“Yeah. One day,” he replies, not wanting to delve into it too much. There’s a tension around them, a sort of seriousness that Aaron doesn’t like.

 

“Maybe when I meet someone who isn’t such a bridezilla.” He jokes and Robert just laughs it off and nods in agreement, as though he's happy with the answer.

 

:::

 

It’s not thought about again till Aaron’s limbs are heavy with exhaustion from their day and Robert's putting his book on the bedside table but not turning off the light.

 

Aaron fights with the duvet, throwing it over his body and sinking into the side of the bed dedicated to him. He pushes his arm under the pillow, rests his cheek against the soft cushion and turns his body towards Robert.

 

Robert’s already got his eyes on him, has followed his every moment since he walked in the room. He smiles softly, bringing his hand up to stroke at Aaron’s stubbled filled jaw and exhales, “I had a really nice day today.”

 

Aaron lets the smile play at his lips as he brings his free hand up, links it in Robert's, and brings it close to his lips. He places a soft kiss on his knuckles.

 

“Me too,” Aaron sighs, in complete contentment.

 

He stares down at their entwined fingers, has a flash of memory of the small boy clasping onto his own hand this afternoon, and remembers Robert’s question. 

 

The room is silent for a few moments, Aaron lost in his own thoughts before he speaks them out loud after a release of breath. “What you said earlier…”

 

He trails off, waits for Robert’s eyes to travel up towards him in interest. He has his full attention now, and suddenly he’s nervous. Robert raises a waiting eyebrow and Aaron continues, “About wanting kids…”

 

Robert’s face mixes with emotion, before he’s stumbling over his words, turning his whole body to face Aaron.

 

“I wasn't…” He starts, before trailing off himself.

 

“I was just curious,” he attempts to explain again a few seconds later, clearly a little frantic as not to scare Aaron off. “No pressure or anything. We’ve got a lot going on at the moment, with the wedding, counselling, and your graduation. We don’t need to discuss it now.”

 

Aaron lets out a low chuckle at Robert’s flustered ramble, he’s not sure who he’s trying to convince but it has a warm smile settling on his lips.

 

“I’d love kids Robert. I want to start a family with you…” He trails off, overcome with insecurities and worries and Robert must notice how his face hardens.

 

“But?” He asks gently.

 

 

“But, I hardly know anything about family do I?”

 

Robert frowns, sits up a little straighter, and makes sure his eyes stay connected with Aaron's. “I’ve seen you around kids Aaron, you’re great. You’d be a great dad.”

 

He smiles, face glowing and Aaron feels his cheeks heat up and has to shrug it away.

 

“I just…” He lets out a sigh, positioning himself on the bed so they’re both sat up straight, legs tangled in each other’s. “I never exactly had a good childhood. My mum left me, my dad couldn't handle me. The closest thing I've ever had to a family was a group of lads willing to risk their lives for me. What do I know about raising kids?”

 

“Aaron, you are not your father. You’d be an amazing dad.” Robert reassures, eyes filled with truth.

 

“I just… I wouldn't want a kid to have the same upbringing I did,” he replies. “I want their childhood to be full of joy and happiness and all those other things I didn't have.”

 

“They would have all those things, we’d make sure of it. You’re not the only one who will make mistakes with our kids,” Robert’s tells him, voice filled with hope.

 

“Our kids?” Aaron asks, eyebrows raised and he watches Robert’s face drop slightly once he realises what he’s said.

 

“Yeah, well… You can’t just stop at one, can you?” Robert attempts to joke away the seriousness of the matter.  “I had Vic growing up and it made everything better. Much better. I’d want that for our kids too.”

 

“I think one mini Robert Sugden running around would be enough,” Aaron jokes and it has a hearty laugh escaping Robert.

 

“I don’t know, I can totally imagine a little blue eyed, curly haired, mini you in our lives,” Robert says softly and Aaron smiles at the thought also.

 

“But, how would that even work… I mean?” Aaron gestures between the two of them, a slight frown of confusion on his face and Robert lets out a laugh.

 

“There’s plenty of ways,” Robert assures, he leans in closer, breathe on Aaron’s lips and bodies tangled from the waist below. “We can discuss it.”

 

Aaron smiles and nods slightly, happy with the answer. He watches Robert inch even closer so their lips are centimetres apart. The smirk grows on his lips, the one ever so Robert that drives him wild and has blood running to his crotch everytime he flashes it.

 

Robert dips his head, takes Aaron’s lip in a quick, forceful kiss. Aaron's eyes flutter close, he pushes his lips back as he feels Robert’s legs straddle over his own hips with only the material of their thin boxer shorts between them and Aaron can feel Robert’s growing length against his own.

 

“Until then,” Robert breathes out when he comes up for air, he kisses down from Aaron’s lips to his jaw. “We can start practicing making that baby ourselves.”

 

He chuckles and moves from his jaw to his neck, where Aaron can feel his lips press against the laugh in his throat.

 

They stay like that for the night, tangled limbs and soft touches and occasional chuckles that are caught in between kisses.

 

It’s fingers grasping on headboards and whispered _I love you_ ’s and it’s the strongest they’ve felt in months and Aaron’s finds himself watching Robert’s chest rise and fall as he sleeps next to him, knowing it’s what he wants to fall asleep next to for the rest of his life.

 

 

 

 

:::

 

It’s as though ever since they discussed the mere idea of children, Aaron can’t seem to escape them.

 

Not that he’s complaining much.

 

There’s the little girl with the curly ponytail in the supermarket that was waving at him in every aisle, The newborn baby he he gets asked to hold while the woman fetches her purse. He’s even gets roped into babysitting his neice and nephew to ‘make up for lost time’.

 

Most recently, it’s the class full of kids he’s going to be helping teach now he’s ready to graduate.

 

He’s feels ridiculous in his cap and gown, but he has a piece of paper in his hand that proves he’s more than just muscles and excitement for what's to come.

 

Robert’s rushing over from the stands as soon as he’s exited the stage, proud smile on his face and dressed in his best and it all feels a little familiar to Aaron.

 

He smiles when he sees him. Blonde hair shorter at the sides due to a fresh haircut for the occasion, freckles dazzling in the late spring sun. He pulls Aaron in by the material of his gown, soft smile and hooded eyes as he kisses him delicately on the lips and lingers for a second after they release.

 

“You know, I've always had a thing for teachers,”  Robert almost purrs and Aaron's pulling a face and pulling away as Robert’s letting his laugh vibrate through his whole body.

 

“Idiot,” Aaron chuckles but his face is faltering soon after and Robert notices instantly.

 

“Hey, what's up?” He asking, ducking his head so his sparkling eyes connect with Aaron's.

 

“It’s just, what if I'm not good at this, you know, being a teacher?”  He says, voice dripping with insecurity and he hates himself for it.

 

“Aaron, that’s not possible. Kids love you. You’re going to be a great teacher, and an even better dad one day.” Robert states, the honesty and support in his voice making Aaron get emotional.

 

He blinks back his damp eyes, smile widely at Robert.

 

“You think so?” He questions, almost childlike and Robert nods in agreement, giving his shoulder a squeeze for extra encouragement.

 

 “I know so.”

 

 

 

:::

 

 

 

**Leeds, UK - September 2015**

 

Aaron gets his first job as a substitute when the new school year starts. It’s a lot of waiting around for a call and trying to build fast relationships with kids, but he loves it, when he actually gets to work.

 

He’s been assigned a class full of five-year-olds for three days and it’s a lot of shouting and colouring but it makes Aaron feel warm inside. Like a small achievement has been made.

 

He packs up his bag on the Friday afternoon, without another job in the works for the foreseeable future.

 

It’s then he notices the paper left on his desk. It’s a small drawing of what he assumes to be him and the classroom full of kids with smiles on their faces with the caption ‘Mr Dingle is the best’ in scribbled handwriting.

 

It’s still not something he’s used to, being called Mr. Dingle, but it gives him an authority he never knew he had, makes him feels older, more mature, and melts his heart when pronounced by a five-year-old.

 

He packs the drawing in his laptop bag, smiling as he does so, with fond memories of the class and heads back to the flat to finish up before the weekend.

 

 

 

Robert’s cooking dinner when Aaron arrives home with a tired smile on his face, the early mornings still a chore.

 

“How did it go?” Robert asks eagerly when Aaron enters, tie loose around his neck and the collar unbuttoned.

 

“Good,” he smiles, dropping his laptop bag and bringing his hands to Robert's waist.

 

“Really good.” He emphasises, his smile growing bigger.

 

“I told you,” Robert teases, his hands coming up to play with Aaron’s loose tie, but his eyes stay locked on Aaron's.

 

“A kid drew me a picture,” he tells Robert. “Says ‘Mr Dingle is the best.’”

 

He sways in rhythm with Robert’s own body.

 

“Mr Dingle, ay?” Robert cocks his eyebrow, lets the corner of his mouth raise into a devilish smirk that Aaron knows is usually reserved for the bedroom. “I like it.”

 

He pulls Aaron by his tie ever so lightly into a warm, wet kiss. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

 

“Yeah,” Aaron lets out with a breath, a smile on his face. It’s a bittersweet ending to the day. “I just wish I knew when my next job was going to be.”

 

He sighs, Robert finally letting go of him and returning back to the cooking food. Aaron removes his tie, rolls his shirt sleeves to his elbows and leans against the counter next to his fiance. 

 

“Don’t worry too much. Everything will work out,” Robert encourages, his pearly white teeth shining at Aaron as he beams a smile. “You’re too good of a teacher not to get more work.”

 

Aaron can only hope it’s true.

 

 

:::

 

Aaron finds himself with a ungodly amount of free time as a substitute teacher. It’s only 9:00AM and he’s already been for a run, showered, and had breakfast by the time Robert appears from their bedroom in only his underwear.

 

He wishes him good morning, with a kiss on the hairline and a bite of his toast and Aaron smiles warmly back at him before returning his eyes to the piece of paper in front of him.

 

“What have you got there?” Robert asks groggily, wiping the sleep away from his eyes and pouring himself a mug of coffee.

 

Aaron looks up from the picture in his hand with a smile still soft on his pink lips, “Just, that picture.”

 

Robert make his way over, smiling down at the image, hooking his arm around Aaron's shoulder as he does so.

 

Aaron stands, making his way over the the refrigerator and sticking it up with one of the novelty magnets they were gifted from Victoria.

 

When he makes his way back to the breakfast table, Robert’s looking at the picture fondly, the same expression Aaron imagines himself wearing. He stands, to match Aaron’s height and smiles.

 

“You know, that looks a little lonely.”

 

Aaron flashes him a look of confusion, before his eyes flicker to the picture and back to Robert. “What do you mean?”

 

“Might be nice to have a few more up there,” Robert says coyly, his shoulder bumping against Aaron’s own as he leans against the table.

 

“You want us to drawer pictures for each other?” Aaron frowns, mouth turned down and eyebrows knitted in confusion. Robert lets out a chuckle, shakes his head slightly before turning his whole body to face Aaron. 

 

“No, you idiot,” Robert laughs, hooking Aaron's elbows and pulling him closer. “I meant kids. Our kids.”

 

The frown only deepens on Aaron's face, deepening the lines on his forehead and making his eyes squint in Robert’s direction.

 

“But we don’t…” He trails off, words forming sense in his brain.

 

“I'm saying,” Robert begins, letting out a breath before continuing. “I think, I want us to have kids. I want us to try for a baby.”

 

Aaron feels his face softening, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes growing wide.

 

Robert takes it as a sign to carry on, rambling along in the confident way he does. “I mean, the timings perfect, right?”

 

It’s clearly rhetorical because he doesn’t wait for Aaron to answer, his mouth opening and closing before Robert carries on. “We’re about to get married, you’ve graduated, the business is doing well. I really want us to have a family, and by the time the little one comes along everything will be in place.”

 

Aaron stays silent, a million things running through his head but his focus is mainly on the warmth in his veins as his heart swells. He tries to form words, can’t find them as his lip twitches at the corner and Robert’s the one frowning now.

 

“It’s too much isn’t it? I'm sorry,” Robert panics, a frantic look in his eyes as he rubs at Aaron’s arms and tries to coax some words out of him.

 

Aaron can’t help but laugh. It escapes his throat light and hearty and Robert’s brows furrow before Aaron’s pulling him a little closer and smiling brightly at him.

 

“No, Rob, it's not too much at all,” Aaron’s voice is soft, and happy and he can’t quite believe that the man in front of him wants to start a family; can’t quite believe how far he’s come.

 

“It’s what I want too,” he smiles and Robert physically relaxes in his arms before he lets his smile grow. “Ever since we discussed it, it’s all I've thought about. What it would be like have our own little family. To have a child of our own.” 

 

Robert’s laughing at how ridiculous they are as he leans in and steals a soft kiss off Aaron.

 

He pulls away, wrinkles his nose and turns his face away,“Ugh. Morning breath!”

 

“Charming,” Robert replies but they’re both laughing instantly,

 

Aaron watches him, as he walks off into the bathroom, lets his eyes trace over every inch of his body; the sway in his walk and the arch of his back and the perk of his ass and he can’t quite believe how lucky he is.

 

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - April 2015**

Aaron’s not sure if it’s baby stress, wedding stress, or work stress but things just don’t seem to be going his way this week.

 

He’s yet to be placed at another school, Robert’s supportive comments doing nothing but reminding him just how amazing his fiance is. They’ve been discussing baby options — Robert more educated on the subject than he is, and ever so patient with his questions and theories — and they’ve finally set a date just a few months from now in a hotel that Robert had been banging on about for weeks.

 

It all seems too good to be true, until he gets a phone call.

 

He’s sulking at the breakfast bar when Robert comes home from work.

 

His phone is in his hand, laptop open in front of him and his lips turned down in a frown.

 

“Alright?” Robert says as he approaches the other man. It’s a greeting and a question of concern all at once.

 

“No. That was Adam,” he sighs, frustration building up inside him. He tosses his phone down with a thud on the countertop. Robert winces at the sound. “He can’t make it to the wedding, so now I don’t have a best man.”

 

He’s all hands and scowls and Robert inches closer to him.

 

“It’s not the end of the world, we can change the date if we have to.”  Robert comes behind him, squeezing at both of Aaron’s shoulders in hopes of releasing the tension he’s been building up.

 

“No, you don’t understand,” Aaron sighs once more in frustration, his shoulders tensing under Robert’s grip. “He can’t make any date. He’s got no more leave. They’re too busy. There’s not enough men.”

 

Robert’s hands freeze and he’s standing himself in front of Aaron now, catching his eyes.

 

“Aaron, come on,” Robert attempts again while Aaron’s exhaling deeply trying to contain his emotions. Robert brings a hand to his arm, but Aaron’s nothing if not stubborn,

 

“Don’t,” he tells a disappointed Robert, shrugging out of his grip and to a standing postion. “He’s out there, struggling, without enough men and I'm here planning some pouncy wedding.” 

 

His voice is raised, his nostrils flaring, and his hand rubbing at his temple.

 

Robert frowns, opens his mouth, trying to come up with some comforting words. But Aaron’s brushing them off before he’s even had the chance to think them through.

 

“I'm going for a run,” he declares, approaching the door and pulling on his running shoes.

 

“Aaron, wait,” Robert's pleading, coming up behind him, jacket still on and eye worried.

 

“Please Robert,” Aaron’s voice is softer now, eyes pleading as he turns to face Robert one last time. “I just need to clear my head.”

 

He leaves with a thud of the door.

 

 

 

 

:::

 

It doesn’t take him long before his side is burning with a stitch and his heart is heavy with guilt.

 

When he arrives back in the apartment, Robert’s sat at the breakfast table, still in his suit and tie from the day regardless of it nearling 8:00PM.

 

His head shoots up with the click of the door, his hair is dishevelled, his eyes look heavy and Aaron’s heart pulls at the sight, his guilt rising.

 

“Sorry.”

 

It’s the first thing he says, sheepishly and quiet as he tiptoes closer to the other man. Robert stands with the words, meeting Aaron halfway.

 

“No, I'm sorry. I know how gutted I’d be if Vic couldn't make it to our wedding,” Robert says, rubbing Aaron's biceps — his go-to comforting move — and Aaron’s body melts into it as he smiles sadly.

 

“Adam’s like a brother to me,” Aaron explains and Robert nods, his grip on his arm soothing him. “I just, I really wanted him to be there. I feel so useless.”

“I get it,” Robert tells him, his voice soft and like honey and Aaron doesn't deserve it.

 

“We don’t need some big ceremony in a fancy hotel,” Robert continues and that makes Aaron's head cock to the side, a questioning look on his face. “We’ll do it small, just close family, celebrate with Adam once he’s back, yeah?”

 

“No, Robert… That’s not- You love that hotel. Don’t give it up for me,” Aaron brings his own arm up to Robert's, his spare hand on his hip as his eyes soften around the edges.

 

 

“I know how much Adam being there means to you, and what's the point in doing this big thing if the most important people aren't there?” Robert asks, mouth turned up lopsided at the corner and eyes more blue than usual in the kitchen lights. “If I remember correctly, you said you’d marry me in a ditch.”

 

Robert smile turns into a chuckle, lightening the room up and making Aaron laugh involuntarily.

 

“I dunno,” he teases, scratching his eyebrow and playing coy. “I'm starting to rethink that.”

 

“Oi,” Robert fakes offence, shoving Aaron by the shoulder before his voice is softening with his eyes.

 

“I just want you to be happy.” Robert adds with so much love and truth that Aaron almost loses his balance, eyelids hooded and a lazy smile on his lip that comes naturally.

 

“I am,” he breathes out.

 

“Plus, any money we save on the wedding, we can put towards starting a family,” Robert adds and Aaron know’s it’s going to be a long and expensive road from all the brochures Robert’s been handing him.

 

“I’d like that,” he agrees, things slotting back into place like perfect pieces of a jigsaw.

 

 

:::

 

 

 

**Leeds, UK - January 2016**

 

There's a knock at the door.

 

Aaron’s hand freezes on his button as he catches his own eye in the mirror, nervously glancing at himself.

 

When they agreed to have a quick, no hassle wedding, Aaron was relieved, but what he didn’t expect was Robert booking a long weekend off work in two weeks time and showing Aaron photos of the registry office.

 

A piece of paper and a few glasses of champagne don’t prove how much he loves Robert, but he’s nervous nonetheless.

 

He drops his hands from his uniform, nervously making his way over to the door.

 

They'd agreed to have seperate rooms to get ready — the most traditional thing on Robert’s list of requirements — and Aaron had easily agreed, knowing if he saw Robert in his suit and tie, they probably wouldn’t make it down the aisle in time.

 

His clammy palm grabs the handle, creaking it open slightly to hide his suit as a precaution, only to be met with soft green eyes and a warm smile he wasn’t expecting.

 

“Vic?” He questions, Robert’s younger sister coming into view and making him furrow his brow. He opens the door a little wider, allowing her to step inside the room. He checks his surroundings once more, before closing the door and turning his attention to his soon-to-be sister-in-law.

 

He opens his mouth to speak but she holds up a delicate, manicured hand in front of him and smiles politely.

 

“I'm here on an errand,” She announces, voice soft and sweet even when she’s trying to be stern and Aaron notices the freckles perfectly placed across her face just like her brothers.

 

“But first,” she continues and Aaron raises an eyebrow in anticipation.

 

“For as long as I've known Robert, I’ve never seen him as happy as he is now,” she speaks carefully, words obviously practiced beforehand and Aaron just nods along. “Which is why I’m here to warn you.” 

 

She raises a sleek eyebrow in his direction and he swallows down the lump in his throat before she continues. “If you ever do anything to hurt him, or break his heart, you’ll have me to answer too.”

 

She keeps her voice straight and smooth, never faltering and Aaron can’t help but let a chuckle escape his throat. It’s only seconds before Victoria's laughing too, light and warm and her blue dress highlight the green with specks of gold in her happy eyes. The ridiculousness of the short brunette warning the soldier off and the giddiness of the wedding day has them both smiling largely before the tensions turns in the room once more.

 

“I'm serious Aaron.” She says after a moment, eyes looking more sad now. “I know you would never hurt him on purpose. But I was there the last time you left.”

 

She smiles sadly and Aaron can feel a wetness of his own as he blinks back in agreement, not sure what to say.

 

“I don’t think he’d survive again,” she finishes, with as much of an honest smile she can do and Aaron’s returning it.

 

“I know, Vic,” he replies, head cocked to the side just a little. “I love him and I'd never want to hurt him. I promise.”

 

“I know you do,” she replies, before pulling something out of her purse and smiling bigger, the previous conversation forgotten about.

 

“That's why I've been asked to give you this,” she tells him, placing a small envelope into Aaron’s hand and stretching up onto her tiptoes to place a kiss on his rough cheek.

 

He lets her, before looking at the envelope with confusion and back to Victoria.

 

“Good luck,” she tells him, before disappearing out the door before he can ask any more questions.

 

He looks down at the blank envelope, no name, no address, nothing. He lowers himself onto the chair, careful not to crease his suit, and lets his index finger peel open the seal.

 

His heart flutters at the handwriting, he’s not sure what else he expected.

 

 

_My fiance_

_Never did I think when I met you in the bar all those years ago, that I'd be writing you this on our wedding day._

_I just wanted to get this out on paper, before I see you up there in your suit, ready to spend the rest of our lives together._

_I’d be lying, If I said I haven’t been thinking about this day since the moment I laid eyes on you. You came crashing into my life and you changed everything, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t have done any of it differently — except for maybe not forgetting the ring when I wanted to propose, a real high point of the night._

_It’s funny, I couldn’t sleep without you by my side last night — me and my traditions, eh? But I looked out the window and I caught sight of the moon and all I couldn't think is how I'm the luckiest man in the world right now._

_I'm wearing your dog tags — they’re my something borrowed, and your eyes, they’re my something blue — but I don’t need something old or something new, Aaron, I just need you. You’re it for me. You’re all I’ve ever wanted and you’re all I’ll ever need._

_The moment we put those rings on our fingers, it’s the beginning, Aaron, the start of the rest of our lives and I can’t wait._

_See you soon, Mr Sugden._

_I love you._

Aaron looks up through hazy eyes, teardrops beginning to stain the paper in his hand and the smile on his lips stretches wide.

 

His breathing is heavy and slow, the words swimming around his head and make his body tingle, and he’s overwhelmed with emotion he can’t quite put into words.

 

He’s startled by a knock on the door, frantically wiping his eyes and straightening his tie as he stands.

 

The door opens and his mother, with her proud smile and warm eyes, pops her head around the door and he smiles back naturally as she looks on.

 

“You ready love?” She asks, stepping inside and placing a soft hand on Aaron's cheek, her own eyes glossed ever.

 

“Yeah,” Aaron smiles at her, folding up the letter in his hands and slipping it inside his jacket pocket. “Just getting my something new.”

 

 

:::

 

Robert’s stood at the other end of the room when Aaron enters, ever the punctual one of the two. His suit is dark burgundy, his hair swept back of his face and a small flower placed in his buttonhole.

 

He catches Aaron’s eye as soon as he turns at the sound of the door. His face softens, smile widening and Aaron forgets to breathe for a second before his feet are taking him closer.

 

The room is small, a strong smell of mahogany around them and the only two seats are occupied by his mother and future sister-in-law who smile at him as he approaches Robert.

 

“Hey,” Robert whispers only for Aaron to hear, his hand coming up to Aaron’s forearm to give the simplest of touches before they start the ceremony.

 

“Hey,” Aaron echoes, his voice light and shaking as he looks into Robert’s soft eyes.

 

It’s as though everyone else in the room disappears in that very moment and it’s just the two of them, silent and waiting to make a promise of forever.

 

There’s a throat being cleared in front of them and Aaron feels a heat rise up in his cheeks as they break eye contact and turn their attention in front of them.

 

He hears Robert mumble a sorry to the older woman in front of them and his nerves begin the kick in. Hands clammy and foot tapping, he suddenly regrets wearing his grey suit in fear of sweating, but he knows it’s Robert’s favourite.

 

“Ready?” She asks them with a polite smile and encouraging voice and he chances a glance at Robert, who’s looking straight back at him before they both nod in usion, lazy smile on their faces.

 

It’s a quicker process than Aaron thought, not that he was quite sure what he was expecting. He’d never even humoured the idea of marriage before he met Robert, and now he can’t imagine anything better.

 

They’re looking at each other again, bodies turned inwards this time, hands touching hands and Aaron can hear the voices around him but he’s only focused on one thing.

 

_Robert._

 

 _He’s beautiful_ , Aaron thinks. The kind of beauty that isn’t only on the surface, but the kind people sing and write poems about, and he wants him to know exactly that, wishes he could put into words just how Robert makes him feel.

 

He feels Robert drop his hand, feels  the loss of contact all over his body and he frowns for a second in confusion as he watches Robert dig inside his jacket pocket for something.

 

“I, er, I just wanted to say my vows,” He says shyly, unfolding the piece of paper in his hand and flashing Aaron a nervous smile.

 

Aaron gives him an encouraging one back, his heart fast and an erratic pulse in his chest as he waits for Robert to start.

 

“Aaron,” He exhales with the word, a smile already forming on his lips as he glances up at him and then back down to the paper in hand.

 

“There's many things I could thank you for,” he continues, the nerves in his voice evident and he opens his heart up. “For cooking me the best hangover fry ups, for never watching an episode of _Black Mirror_ without me, for stopping me from buying that ugly floral shirt I was convinced would look good.”

 

Aaron lets out a hearty laugh at the memory, Vic and his mother joining in as they listen on.

 

“But most of all, I'm thankful for you loving me,” Robert chances a look at Aaron, eyes glossed over with unshed tears, Aaron’s own becoming wet.

 

“You make me a better person. You made me realise what true happiness feels like. I know what love is now, because of you,” Robert pauses, takes a shaky breath and Aaron takes the opportunity to wipe at a stray tear, biting back his growing smile.

 

“I know it will be hard, and I know times will be tough. But I vow to never give up on us. To never give up on you,” Robert’s voice is stern and certain, making Aaron feel safe and loved.

 

“I promise to take care of you, to love you, and to be faithful to you. I promise to plant kisses like seeds on your body, so in time you can grow to love yourself as much as I love you.”

 

Aaron reaches out and squeezes Robert’s arm as he tries to calm his erratic heart.

 

“I'm the happiest man alive, and it’s all because of you, Aaron. I’ve told you many times before and I will repeat it many times after for the rest of our lives, until the sun doesn't rise and moon doesn't shine. I love you,” Robert finishes, inhales shakily and finally raising his shining eyes to meet Aaron's.

 

Aaron feels the tears sting his eyes, the lump in his throat swell and his heart pound against his chest.

 

He looks up at Robert through his damp eyelashes and clears his throat as the other man smiles back at him almost shyly.

 

His tongue feels dry, his hands trembling, he takes a deep breath. “I'm not good with these sort of things.”

 

He curses himself for his voice cracking but Robert’s smile doesn't falter.

 

“I never imagined this, I never imagined any of this,” he says, a sigh leaving his throat before Robert’s reaching out and catching his hands to steady them. “It wasn’t too long ago my idea of a family was a rowdy group of lads who’d risk their life for me.”

 

Aaron chances a glance behind him. His mother catches his eyes and give him a sad smile, love shining behind her own glossy eyes. He returns his attention to Robert, his lips curving upwards. “That was until I met you.”

 

Robert smiles grows on the words, his eyes stay focused on Aaron, pupils wide and splashes of different blues around them. Aaron feels lost at sea, just barely keeping his head above water.

 

“Now I know what having a family, having a home, truly feels like,” Aaron continues, his words even surprising even himself. “It’s late nights on the sofa, or eating dinner on our own sides of the table. It’s you getting to the cinema early because I know the trailers are your favourite part, or knowing how you have your coffee in the morning is different from how you have your coffee at night.”

 

A stray tear rolls down Aaron’s cheek, soft and slow, but before he even has a chance, Robert’s wiping it away with his thumb.

 

“You give me strength, you give me purpose, you make me a better man, Rob. And I’ll always love you for that,” Aaron finishes, voice shaky and smile soft on his lips and it’s only seconds before Robert’s lurching forward and capturing that smile with his lips and kissing away any doubts Aaron has ever had, so softly.

 

“Congratulations, you’re now Husband, and Husband,” the older woman proclaims. 

 

“Congratulations, Mr Dingle,” Aaron whispers, a smile curving his lips and eyes wide as he stares at the man in front of him.

 

“Mr Sugden,” Robert replies, the same coy smile on his face and it's almost as if there’s nobody else in the room.

 

 

 

:::

 

Aaron never expected this, not in a million years.

 

He’s propped against the bar, drink in hand, eyes tracing the room.

 

There’s smiles, laughs, a welly full of ale and a rather drunk husband surrounding him and he wouldn't change it for the world.

 

“You alright son?”

 

He diverts his eyes to the sound, his mother stood there. She looks radiant, the smile on her face big and the wrinkles by her eyes deep as she looks at him lovingly.

 

He smiles back in reply, before diverting his eyes once more to where his newly wed husband is.

 

He stumbles, smiles, lets Aaron’s uncle Zak hold him up momentarily before the whole family are laughing together so naturally and it warms him up inside.

 

Robert’s laugh fills the room, fills Aaron's ears and it’s a world away from the engagement party in Leeds.

 

“He really loves ya’”

 

He turns back to look at her, she’s smiling softly and he can't help but mirror it. “Thanks, I really love him too.”

 

There’s a lingering silence, Aaron turning his attention back to the room before his mum speaks up once again.

“You know, Aaron, I’ve been meaning to say, just… I'm really sorry for not being the best mother growing up,”  she sighs and Aaron turns his body around to give her his full attention.

 

“No, Mum, I wasn’t the easiest kid, I get it, it was hard.”

 

“No,” his mother cuts him off and there's tears brewing in her eyes that Aaron can't deny. “I was the parent. I should've been there for you, no matter how hard. You’ll understand one day.”

 

“Well, that’s the plan,” Aaron smiles coyly and that makes his mother raise a sleek eyebrow at him.

 

“Well, if everything goes well with the surrogates we’re meeting anyway,”  He smiles a little more and he watches the face in front of him light up brighter than the sun.

 

“Son, that’s amazing!” She beams, soft hand coming up to stroke at Aaron's cheek which he scrunches his nose up at.

 

“Yeah, it is,” he sighs contently returning his attention back to Robert with thoughts of the future at the forefront of his mind.

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - March 2016**

 

It happens in a whirlwind.

 

The honeymoon period, the planning, the stress.

 

It’s only days after the wedding that they’d been called in to arrange a meeting with a surrogate of their choice.

 

It’s all a little overwhelming for Aaron at first, all a bit too fast, all a bit too much, making him feel a little in over his head.

 

But Robert’s there, with all the answers to all the questions, ever the patient one, ever so understanding.

 

And before Aaron knows it, everything’s just sort of… falling into place.

 

“What about this?” Robert beams, drawing Aaron's attentions away from the bottle of pasta sauce in his hands.

 

“Matching hoodies with daddy,” he says, the smile on his face wide, but soft at the cheeks and bright in the eyes with excitement. Aaron refrains from rolling his eyes lovingly.

 

“We don’t even know if it’ll be a boy or a girl yet,” he reminds him, a smirk on his face as he watches his husband sulk a little.

 

“Well, we know they’ll be perfect,” he smiles softly and Aaron melts a little inside. “‘cause it’s either going to be half of me or half of you.”

 

“You think?” Aaron asks, voice no higher than a whisper, his hand landing on Robert’s waist and only gently tugging him forward as their eyes stay connected.

 

“I know,” Robert confirms, voice at same level, eyes hooded in the same way, lips teasing. He brings his hand up and strokes across Aaron’s cheekbone before place a soft kiss at the corner of his mouth.  
  
When they separate, their eyes stay connected, no care for the fellow shoppers around them, Aaron flickers down to the hoodie in Robert’s hand and takes it into his own.

 

“Don’t be going overboard,” he warns, the playfulness in his voice masking the seriousness of his next statement. “We can’t really afford it.”

 

Robert frowns, rolling of his eyes and placing the hood into their trolley before Aaron protests more. “It’s fine, it’s only a hoodie.”

 

“I know, but surrogacy is expensive Rob, and I still don’t have a stable job…” he trails off, his voice soft with worry, his eyes daring to catch Robert’s.

 

“Aaron, stop worrying. It’s all going to be okay,” Robert smiles, ignoring the seriousness in Aaron's voice and eyes.

 

He picks up the pasta sauce, placing it into the shopping cart and continuing on down the aisle, leaving Aaron to watch on.

 

:::

 

It’s almost like saying it’s all going to be ok, is asking the world to test you.

 

It’s dodging curves and spinning out of control, but as long as it’s done together, it will be okay… right?

 

Aaron’s got his head in his laptop, fingers on his temples and tension behind his eyes but he continues to scroll,  the prospect of a job seeming further away with each click.

 

It’s not as though he doesn’t love his job as a teacher, he does, the role giving him a sense of pride and achievement he’s never felt before. But living off the wages of a substitute teacher, waiting for the call, not knowing when you will next work… It’s just not feasible with a family on the horizon.

 

His head shoots up at the sound of the door behind him, followed by the drop of a bag and the sigh of a drained man.

 

He looks up, a smile tugging at his lips before it quickly disappears at the sight of his husband. He checks the clock, see’s it’s almost 9:00PM. He must have lost track of time in his job search. He returns his gaze back to Robert as he stands.

 

“You're home late,” he notes without any venom, approaching his tired looking husband who pulls at the tie at his neck.

 

“Yeah, there were some budgeting issues that needed sorting…” His voice is strained, followed with a yawn and Aaron rubs his hand against his bicep.

 

“Budgeting?” He questions out of interest, and Robert moves out of his touch and towards the coffee machine.

 

“Yeah, it’s all good now though,” he says, his back to Aaron, his shoulders tense. Aaron’s hesitant to believe him, but he lets it go.

 

“Do you want something to eat?” He asks, subject change swift as he moves towards the kitchen with the possibility of whipping something up for his tired husband.

 

“No,” Robert says, almost abruptly which has Aaron furrowing his brow. “I think I'm just gonna have some coffee and look into these spreadsheets more.” He brushes him off and all Aaron can do is let him spend the night at his laptop with hooded eyes and unlimited coffee.

 

:::

 

**Leeds, UK - June 2016**

 

 

They say good things come in threes, but as Aaron soon realises, bad things come all at once.  
  
He hasn’t worked in over a month, and the school holidays are fast approaching with no hopes of him getting work any time soon.

 

Robert has been stressed at work, and while he hasn’t told Aaron as much, he has heard him occasionally; late at night on the phone, trying to make deals with clients. Some nights he awakens to the sound of a laptop being slammed and a phone being thrown, when they’re both supposed to be in bed, sleeping in each others arms.

 

He knows Robert’s only trying to protect him, but Aaron’s unsure what from, and it drives him mad, makes him spend his nights running rather than with Robert planning their future.

 

But what they don’t expect in the midst of all the bad, was a phone call from the hospital.

 

Robert’s working from home, although Aaron’s not sure if that's a personal choice or not. His hair is stuck up at the end, head in his hands while his free hand types away on the laptop and Aaron pours the boiling hot water into two mugs.

 

It’s like a siren, making both their heads shoot up as it rings in their ears, until Robert’s pressing down on the answer button with a furrow in his brow.

 

“Dr. Melrose?”

 

There’s a skip in Aaron’s heartbeat, a palpitation that makes his whole body vibrate. He becomes anxious, balancing somewhere between nervousness and excitement as he puts down the kettle and makes his way closer to where Robert’s on the phone.

 

He watches him nod his head, watches the corner of his lip turns down, watches as a shine covers the beautiful jade eyes and suddenly Aaron’s tipped overboard falling right past nervous and into worry.

 

Robert mumbles something, Aaron’s not sure he hears it correct through the ringing in his ears but it sounds similar to a ‘Thank you’ and a ‘Goodbye’ before he’s slipping his phone back into his pocket and turning to face Aaron.

 

“That was the hospital,” he says, as if Aaron hasn’t already figure it out. His voice is tentative and Aaron already knows it’s bad news from the nausea in his stomach.

 

“There was a problem with the surrogacy. The eggs didn’t take and there was some complications…” Robert rambles, and Aaron tries his best to listen as his breathing becomes rapid. “They said we may need to do another round of IVF, and that we don’t have many more options.”

 

Aaron lets his body fall to the sofa behind him, knees buckling and head spinning. He feels his lip quiver, his eyes sting as he looks up to his husband once again. “Robert, another round of IVF, that’ll cost thousands.”

 

It’s the first thought that crosses his mind, the dread burning deep.

 

“We will figure it out,” Robert says, attempting to reassure him. “I'm not giving up on this.”

 

“But-” Aaron tries to argue, thinking about his slowly decreasing bank balance, and Robert’s financial difficulties at work.

 

“We will fix this Aaron, I'm not giving up,” Robert says, more stern and final before he closes his laptop and disappears into the bedroom, leaving Aaron alone with a feeling of emptiness surrounding him.

 

He pulls out his phone, types in a URL and sighs as the page starts to load. Bold bright letter stare up at him in the darkening room.

 

**This is belonging**

**Find where you belong in the the British Army**

 

:::

 

The distance between them grows bigger by the days. Any time Aaron brings up the money worries, Robert brushes it off, the phone in his pocket burning with an application begging to be filled out.

 

It’s the only feasible option, Aaron thinks. He’d get a paycheck and health benefits. He wouldn’t even need to do a full term, just work his ass off while they wait for the pregnancy to be over.

He tries to speak to Robert about it for over a week, but each time it’s brushed off within seconds. Robert’s stress taking over, busy with work, not wanting to discuss money issues. Every excuse possible is thrown in Aaron's direction.

 

It’s when he wake up one afternoon, Robert having long since left for work and sure not to return until late into the night, that Aaron makes his way into the living room for breakfast — or lunch, he’s unsure — when the pile of envelopes on their doormat catches his eye.  
  
He looks through them while suppressing a yawn, when once catches his eye.  
  
It’s addressed to him and Robert, but he does not recognise the logo on the front.

 

He opens it curiously, stretching out a muscle in his neck as he does so and unfolding the pieces of paper in his hand to reveal what looks like a bank statement.

 

He reads it more closely, letting his eyes trace over the words ‘credit card’ and notes the giant transaction under both their names.

 

He feels his jaw tense as he takes his lip between his teeth and his fingers clamp down into a fist with the paper still between them.  
  
He feels his inside burn at the lack of communication from his husband, feels his heartbeat rise and his breathing deepen.

 

He pulls out his phone, the webpage still up and waiting.

 

He lets his frustration take over him as his fingers fill out his details and sends off the application without much thought.  
  
If Robert doesn’t want to talk this out, then neither will Aaron. He doesn’t need looking after. He can provide for this family as well.

:::

 

Robert keeps his distance, and Aaron keeps his grudge.  
  
It’s late afternoon and he’s refreshing his emails, hoping to hear back from anyone, anything, when his phone vibrates in his hand and demands his attention.

 

He’s surprised and somewhat relieved to see a message from Robert, butterflies still erupt in his stomach at the sight of his name.

 

**Robert: Fancy dinner tonight?**

 

Aaron looks at his phone with a frown and confusion on his face. They haven't eat dinner together in over a week, Robert always working late and saying he’s not hungry. Aaron feels a sense of relief wash over him for a second before letting his fingers type out a reply.

 

**Aaron: Sure**

 

When Robert finally arrives home, before 5:00PM with a smile tugging at his lips, Aaron's shocked to say the least.

 

“You ready?” He asks, entering the door in a hurry and placing his laptop bag on the ground

 

“Ready?” Aaron questions, a little confused by Robert’s eagerness.

 

“For dinner?” He confirms, a confusion taking over his own features now. “I made us reservations.”

 

Aaron’s mouth hangs open, his eyebrows knitted and Robert lets out a hearty laugh that has become unfamiliar in the passing weeks. There’s still a niggling in the back of his mind, the credit card statement still piercing his thoughts, but he let’s it go, just for tonight. It’s nice to have his Robert back.

 

“Lets go.” Robert beams making his way back out the door and Aaron smiles to himself while following.

 

 

The meal is mostly consumed in silence, Aaron giving Robert questioning glances while his husband just smiles back and eats his pasta.

 

There’s an elephant in the room that they both can’t ignore. Almost a competition of who can put it off the longest and it’s making Aaron want to itch at his skin before he places his fork down on his plate and prepares.

 

It’s Robert who speaks first though, as he wipes away sauce from the corner of his upturned lips and connects his eyes with Aaron's own.

 

“So, all the hard work paid off today,” he announces and Aaron stops his train of thought to listen. “I finally got that client, the one I was telling you about?” 

 

It’s like sunlight radiates off him and Aaron can’t help but just naturally smile and nod, feeling a warmth take over him as Robert continues on about business deals and saving the company.

 

“That’s amazing, Rob,” he replies genuinely, hand reaching across the table to grasp at Robert’s slender fingers.

“I told you, I wasn’t giving up,” Robert replies and Aaron’s sure there’s tears forming in his eyes as he smiles softly. “This is for us, for our family.”

 

Aaron blinks back the haziness of his tearfilled eyes and can’t help but smile.

 

It’s the first time in weeks, maybe even months, that Aaron has seen Robert genuinely smile. That smile that crinkles his eyes and shows all of his teeth and makes Aaron weak in his limbs. Suddenly nothing else matters anymore.

 

  
:::

 

Aaron gets the call later than night. When Robert’s fingernails are deep in his thighs and his back is arched ever so slightly off the sofa.

 

He answer after the 8th ring, breathless and staggered as Robert bites down on his inner thigh.

 

“Mr. Dingle?”

 

The voice is unfamiliar, stern, and formal which makes him sit up a little more before stuttering a yes in reply.

 

“We understand it’s very short notice, but we have an opening at St Christopher's primary school teaching a Year 4 class starting tomorrow. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we need a teacher for the rest of the term, we were wondering if you’re interested?”

 

Robert’s furrowing his brow now as Aron shuffles from underneath him, a smile toying at his lips and excitement in his eyes.

 

“I’d love to,” he beams, unable to keep his emotions under control as Robert stands to match his height.

 

“Great, we’ll send over the details now.”  
  
Aaron lets the call end but he still holds it up to his ear, disbelief making it hard for him to move. Robert's putting an arm around him with a questioning stare and Aaron smiles widely.

 

“I’ve got a job, a full term job!” He says excitedly and Robert’s smile widens even further as he places a kiss on Aaron's cheek.

 

“See, I told you this would all work out.”

 

 

:::

 

Good news comes in threes.  
  
Aaron assumed after Robert’s deal and his own work troubles coming to an end that something else was on its way.

 

He assumed it was the littles of things, small gestures that made him smile.  
  
A free coffee on the way to the classroom, a win on a football bet.  
  
But the real good news comes when he’s washing the dishes after dinner, Robert in their bedroom fresh out the shower when a ringing fills the flat. 

 

Aaron busies himself with the dishes, hears mumbles coming from the other room before the doors flung open and Robert’s there, bright and beautiful with wet hair stuck to his forehead and bare arms flexed perfectly as he grabs Aaron’s face in his hands.

 

“That was the clinic,” he exclaims, eyes connecting with Aaron's and shining excitedly. “It worked Aaron! It worked.”

 

He lets a sigh of relief escape his lips, a weight fall from his shoulders as Robert pulls him in for a hug which is tight and comforting.

 

“We’re gonna have a baby,” Aaron whispers into the air.

 

“We’re going to have a baby!” Robert repeats, louder and more excited, releasing his grip and staring back into Aaron’s eyes once more.

 

This is it.

 

 

:::

 

Aaron hears the music before he’s even entered the door.

 

It’s loud, cheesy and can only belong to one person.

 

He smiles to himself as the door closes behind him, throwing his back on the table as he enters and following the sound.  
  
The door to the spare room is cracked open slightly, and he peers in and laughs at the sight in front of him.

 

Robert’s there, oblivious to Aaron's presence as his hips move with the sound of the music. He’s got a paintbrush between his teeth, another in his hand and an array of colours on the wall in front of him.

 

It's the most carefree Aaron has seen him in a long time, and he’s thankful that things have gotten better over the course of a few months, in preparation for the new addition to their family.

 

He steps inside, enjoys Robert’s humming to the music for a few seconds before he switches it off and let’s the silence fill the room, Robert’s head turning with speed as he does so.

 

His furrowed brows relax once his eyes land on Aaron, a smile tugging at his lips regardless of the paintbrush between them.

 

 Aaron crosses his arms across his chest, leans against the paint free wall as he eyes Robert up and down.  “I thought you were gonna wait for me?”

 

Robert takes a step closer, pulling the paintbrush from his mouth and letting his smile spread up to his eyes, teeth showing, with the slightest hint of tongue.

 

“I wanted to surprise you,” he replies and Aaron feels himself pushing off the wall and inching closer like a magnetic force.

 

“By ruining my clothes?” He raises an eyebrow, pulling Robert the few centimetres closer by the hem of the shirt he wears. Aaron notes it as his own, the white tee that hangs loosely around Robert’s less broad shoulders now disheveled with splatters of paint and his best black shorts in a similar condition but he cares less by the second.

 

“Well I couldn’t get one of my shirts messy could I?” Robert pouts, there's a playfulness in his tone and his face is only a hair's breadth away from Aaron's now.

 

He rolls his eyes, lets his tongue dart out to his lips to wet them before smiling back at Robert who’s inching closer.

 

Aaron lets his eyes flutter close, feels his nose toy at Robert’s skin and prepares to let his lips be captured. His heartbeat speeds up, even after all this time, and he exhales once more before attempting to close the gap.

 

He’s startled, a wet cold substance on his nose and his eyes shooting open with confusion.

 

Robert's there, cheeky grin and a slight chuckle as he holds the paintbrush up in front of him as a sort of shield.

 

Aaron frowns, bringing his index finger up to his nose and feeling the wet paint cling to his finger.

 

“Go and get change, we don’t have time for this,” Robert’s warning, pointing the paintbrush in Aaron's direction before returning to his wall of colours.

 

Aaron rolls his eyes but leaves to change out of his shirt and tie, Robert’s right, they have a nursery to paint.

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - October 2017**

 

 

 

Working with kids everyday never gets tiring for Aaron. No matter how much he has to run around or how many of his ties gets ruined by spilled paint. It still makes him smile day in and day out, and gives him practice for what is to come.

 

He arrives home from work, eyelids heavy but smile permanent. Robert’s home before him nowadays, no more long nights at the office.

 

He’s stood in the kitchen, cooking some sort of Indian dish, the aromas tingling Aaron's nostrils as he steps inside.

 

He comes from behind him, placing a soft kiss on the back of his hot neck which has Robert scrunching up his shoulders. Aaron knows it’s his ticklish spot but it doesn’t stop him from doing it.

 

“Good day?” Robert askes, turning to face him and pulling him in by the hips straight away

 

It’s how they always greet each other now; the reason they usually eat dinner cold.

 

“The best,” Aaron smiles widely, the paper creasing in his fingers as he cups Robert’s elbows.

 

“What's that?” Robert asks, eyes flickering down to the paper in Aaron's hand an a questioning look on his face.

 

“Oh, Gerry, one of the kids drew us this today,” Aaron beams, holding the picture up proudly for Robert to see.

 

It’s a drawing of the two of them, in stick form, in front of a house, and what can only be described as a giant pram which contains their new born baby.

 

It melts Aaron’s heart, made him proud to have such open minded and kind children in his class. He’s sad to know that the term will be coming to an end soon.

 

“That's adorable!” Robert beams, taking it from Aaron’s hands and magnetising it to the fridge behind them. “Those kids love you.”

 

He smiles proudly, leaning closer ready to take Aaron’s lips in his own.

 

It’s as Aaron can feel his husband’s breath on his lips that they were startled apart by the loud ringing of Robert's phone.

 

Aaron lets out an annoyed sigh as Robert rolls his eyes and escapes from Aaron’s grip, both men not overly amused by the interruption.

 

Aaron watches Robert furrow his brow at the phone before clicking ‘call’ and starting to speak.

 

“Yes this is he.”

 

Aaron busies himself with cutting vegetable while Robert continues to speak, not wanting to listen in on his business call, until his ears perk up by the tone of his husband’s voice.

 

“What… Now? But it’s too- okay. No, we’ll be right there. Okay. Thank you. Bye.”

 

Robert’s eyes are wide, a frantic look on his face as he ends the call and Aaron’s ready to ask the question straight away.

 

“What was-”

 

“Aaron, we’ve got to go.” Robert rushes out, suddenly overwrought as he paces around the room.

 

“What's going on?” Aaron asks, trying to calm his voice as Robert rushes around him.

 

“Andrea, The surrogate. She’s- She’s gone into labour!”

 

Aaron’s mouth hangs open. A mix between excitement and terrifying realization suddenly taking over him. He can feel his whole body tingling with nerves and adrenaline.

 

”But- But it's too soon,” he corrects, hands out in front of him. But Robert doesn't even give him a glance.

 

“Should we make a bag? We should make a bag!” He says pacing around the living area, first picking up a blanket, then putting it back down. He marches past Aaron and back in the kitchen area, turning off the stoves.

 

“Robert we-” Aaron turnas around, catches sight of his husband, stood at the kitchen countertop running a hand through his hair while he holds a- “Robert we don’t need a cucumber!”

 

His breathing begins to speed up as he tries to control his husband.

 

“Let’s just get in the car,” he continues and Robert nods and follows as they both exit their apartment for the last time before they become parents.

 

:::

 

They say nothing compares to holding your newborn child in your arms for the first time.

 

Although Robert wouldn’t know.

 

Aaron’s cradling the tiny human in his arms, eyes bright as they look down. His large finger clutched by small hands.

 

Robert’s finally coming around, sitting down on the seat next to him as a nurse hands him a glass of water; the first sign of blood and he was falling, into Aaron’s arms thankfully, and not the floor.

 

“It’s a girl.”

 

Aaron hears from besides him, the nurse helping Robert smiles up at him and he lets his smile spread across his face and brings his daughter closer to his chest, before Robert’s eyes are opening and he’s smiling also.

 

“A girl?” Robert’s standing, stepping closer to Aaron and stroking softly on the small head in Aaron's arms.

 

“We have a daughter,” Aaron smiles, almost a whisper before passing her over for Robert to hold close to his chest.

 

Robert accepts, large smile as he stares down, a soft kiss on her hairline. He’s in awe, practically speechless which Aaron has never seen.

 

They both stay like that for what feels like forever, Aaron’s finger hooked into her tiny hands, Robert holding her close to his chest, before they hear someone speak up.

 

“Thought of any names?”

 

The elderly nurse is smiling at the two of them, her soft eyes surrounded by deep wrinkle lines that show years of laughter and smiles. Aaron looks back to Robert, expectantly.

 

“Well, I have one in mind…” He says tentatively and Aaron raises an eyebrow. It’s not something they’ve discussed.

 

“Yeah?” The woman asks excitedly and Aaron waits for the answer also.

 

“I was thinking… Maybe, Luna?” He looks nervous as his eyes flash straight to Aaron’s, whose fill with confusion for a millisecond. “It means The Moon.”

 

Aaron feels his features soften instantly.

 

“Thats beautiful.”

 

The nurse  besides them beams, but their eyes never part.

 

Aaron smiles, lost in Robert’s eyes, they both know the meaning, although neither of them speak of it, just happy and content together.

 

Aaron looks back at Luna, a warmth in his chest before placing the softest of kisses on her forehead and stroking her little blonde hair.

 

“We’ll always have Luna,” he whispers, eyes never faltering from their new baby girl.

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - January 2016**

 

Aaron can’t believe his luck.

 

Never would he pictured this would be his future, but here he is.

 

He’s lying on his side, head propped up by his elbow as the waterfall sound of Robert’s shower fills the room.

 

Luna’s next to him, small and delicate in her tiny pink overalls courtesy of Nana Chas.

 

Aaron knows exactly what to do to make her smile and laugh, as he tickles her stomach and stares down with his big blue eyes.

 

She’s giggling, so freely and messily, there’s drool trailing down her chin and water out her eyes but she's so happy and content it makes Aaron’s heart almost burst.

 

He’s mezmerised daily, by her tiny lashes, her tiny fingernails, and her cute little nose.

 

He’s so involved in everything that is Luna, and her giggles filling his ear that he completely fails to hear the shower cut off and Robert enter the room. 

 

“I’ll never get tired of that smile,” he says, coming up behind Aaron ad placing himself on the bed. “It was only the other day she was scowling like you when you’re told there no toast left.”

 

“Shut it you.” Aaron laughs, pushing his elbow behind him to try and hit Robert, but he fails.

 

“She’s got your eyes,” he says, a smile wide on his face as he looks down at their daughter, her big blue eyes bright under the bedroom lighting. Aaron smiles at the words.

 

“Yeah, and your laugh,” Aaron replies and Robert gives him an confused look. “All that drool and snot.”

 

He watches as Robert's face frowns before laughing along with them both.

 

“We’re lucky,” Robert says after the laughter dies down. “She’s perfect.”

 

He turns his attention back to where their daughter is forming bubble with her saliva as she smiles up at them both.

 

“Yeah, she is,” he whispers to himself.

 

:::

 

 

Aaron pushes open the door with his hip, shuffling backwards into the apartment while successfully balancing a countless number of shopping bags on his arm.

 

Robert shushes him as he follows through the door, one hand on the pram, the other cradling Luna’s small body. The sight melts Aaron’s heart daily, but there's just something about right now, how the soft snores escape her tiny lips and Robert’s large thumb soothes her leg as he smiles down at her with so much adoration that just makes Aaron want to live in this moment forever.

 

“I'm being as quiet as I can.” He whispers back, placing the shopping onto the island and discarding it quickly.

 

“Take her for a second, my arms cramping up,” Robert replies, voice low and soft as not to startle their little girl.

 

Aaron obeys, takes a step closer and scoops her out of his husband’s grip and into his chest. The way her fingers cling on automatically has Aaron almost melting into a puddle on the ground. Four-months-old and she’s already got them both completely and utterly wrapped around her tiny little fingers. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

He watches Robert stretch out of his jacket, discarding his leather on the back of the sofa and rustling through the bags of shopping.

 

“Did you have to invite your mum and her new boyfriend around for tea tomorrow?” Robert sighs, but there’s a smile behind his lips as he catches Aaron's eye.

 

“I said I’d do the cooking,” he shoots back, eyes wide and teasing. He watches as Robert's face changes to humoured.

 

“Yeah right, we all know I’d-”

 

A loud noise startles them both, Aaron's phone vibrating on the counter across the room. It’s aggressive, piercing and unkind to their ears.

 

Aaron finds himself suddenly swaying, soft strokes soothing on Luna's back in hopes she won’t wake up.

 

It rings a few more seconds before the silence feels like a safe haven and they’re both pleased as Luna’s snores continue to fill their ears.

 

Robert opens his mouth once more to speak but the ringing fills the room once again and he’s frowning at Aaron and telling him to answer his phone.

 

“I’ll call them back, it won't be important,” he stresses, but his voice is so low and soft.

 

“Aaron, just answer the fucking phone,” Robert replies, he takes Luna from his arms and raises his eyebrows at him in warning before Aaron's sulking and grabbing at the phone without even looking at the number.

 

He slips out into the other room, all attempts to not wake their baby girl up going well so far. He brings the phone to his ear, his shoulder sagging as he lets out a greeting along with a sigh, “Hello?”

 

“Corporal Dingle, this is Sergeant Collins, can you spare a minute to talk?”

 

He recognises the voice instantly, his body tensing back up with the words as he surveys his surroundings and pushes the bedroom door closed more securely.

 

“Yes Serg, what's up?” He replies, voice steady but mind racing.

 

"In the light of the events from this month, the unit operations are open again. You did a fantastic job in Kenya, son. The team would love to have you back, the position is yours if you want it.”

 

Aaron feels his chest tighten, his hands dampen and his head spins.

 

There's a dryness in his throat that wasn't there a second ago, and he has to try and swallow before he can reply.

 

“Serg, that- That’s great.”

 

He listens to the voice down the phone, the unexpected offer of a second chance, the ability to go back to what he loves, what he’s good at and he can barely think straight when he’s asking questions.

 

“Wh- when would I start?”

 

“We would need you by the end of the week, this is a high priority and we need our best men at the forefront. That’s you, Dingle!”

 

Aaron thinks about the day, Wednesday, thinks about his brothers and seeing them again, thinks about how his contract with the school has finished.

 

He thanks his sergeant with a promise to call him again soon.

 

There’s a release of breath as soon as the phone call has ended.

 

His palms are clammy, the grip on his phone is the only thing stopping his hands from shaking as he turns and exits the room.

 

The silence isn't comforting anymore. It heightens the ticking clock in the room, makes his breathing louder in his ears, the floorboard creaking with each step closer he takes towards Robert.

 

“Hey, she finally settled down,” he nods towards where she lays, smiling bright and beautiful at Aaron who stares right through him.

 

The room suddenly feels smaller, his collar suddenly tighter, his heart suddenly heavier.

 

Robert must notice, of course he does, they’re married. His brow furrows first, he looks at Aaron with a worried gaze, straightens up and takes a step closer.

 

“Aaron, whats-” He puts a comforting hand on his arm and Aaron’s whole body stiffens.

 

“Aaron?” Robert persists, he looks deep into Aaron's eyes before pulling him forward into his chest and embracing him. “Aaron, whats wrong?”

 

Aaron wants to hide, he wants the ground to open him up and swallow him, he wants to avoid this conversation at all costs, but he can’t. The least he can do is be honest, is to tell Robert the truth, to not prolong the hurt.

 

“Don’t,” he whispers into his husband's chest, pushing out of his grasp and looking to the floor.

 

“Aaron, whats happened?”

 

It makes it worse, how sweet he is, how his voice only softens for him. How his eyes are so warm and his touch is so light.

 

Aaron takes a step backwards, biting at his lip and blinking back tears he knows will come soon. Robert speaks again. “Aaron, you’re worrying me now, who called?.”

 

He takes a large inhale, swallows down his fears and raises his eyes up to Robert’s ocean sprayed own. They’re filled with worry, doubt, fear, but they’re still soft and filled with adoration for his husband. Aaron knows the reaction that is coming, he knows the hurt and the pain and the shouting but he has to, for them, for his family.

 

“That was Sergeant Collins,” Aaron finally says, voice steadier than he expected, eyes focused on Robert now. He takes another breath, makes sure to look Robert in the eye before continuing. “I'm going back out on the field.”

 

There’s a silence that follows that makes Aaron’s hair stand on end. It’s thick, somehow loud, and chills Aaron to the bones as he watches Robert face travel through a journey of emotions. He feels his blood, cold and thick race through his body as the anticipation kills him by the second. He wants to reach out, wants to take Robert’s hand and cradle his head against his chest, but he waits, every ticking second, every lasting heart beat, every shaky breathe before it’s broken by a laugh, hard and bitter and Aaron’s startled and confused.

 

“Sorry.” Robert chuckles out, his head is shaking in a sort of denial way and the smile on his face is forced.

 

“I could of sworn you just said…” He takes a breathe, tries again through his laughter that is sounding more cynical by the second.“... that you’re going back out on the field.”

 

The laughter rings through Aaron's ear and sends a pain through his chest. He feels a stinging sensation behind his eye, familiar and unwanted as he blinks back at Robert with his lips in a firm line.

 

“Rob…”

 

“Because that’s ridiculous, right?” The laughter subsides, Robert’s face hardens. His lips are in a firm straight line. “You wouldn’t do that, right?”

 

“Robert, listen to me,” Aaron pleads, he keeps his voice low, tries not to startle Luna awake, tries not to get into a shouting match, tries to explain.

 

“No,” Robert shakes his head, repeats the words over again as he begins to pace the room and Aaron reaches out to grab his arm, but Robert pulls out of his grip.

 

“No, this isn’t happening,” Robert stops his pacing, looks Aaron in the eyes and he notices the red sting forming already and he hates himself for this. “You can't do this.”

 

It’s almost a beg and Aaron has to briefly divert his eyes.

 

“You can’t do this to me. To us,” his voice raises with each stressing second.

 

“I’ve been offered a better position, a better paycheck, better benefits, it would be stupid not to take this Rob,” Aaron tries reasoning, finding himself constantly reaching to touch his husband, moving to catch his eye but failing.

 

“We don’t need better. What we have is perfect. Fuck your benefits,” Robert looks him deep in the eyes, voice strained and eyes wide and Aaron bites on the inside of his lip before replying.

 

“I need to do this, Rob,” his voice is low, almost frightened and he watches as his husband’s face drops deeper into shock and despair.

 

“No you don’t.”

 

“I do!” He stresses. “For Luna, for her future, for our family.”

 

“Bullshit,” Robert interrupts but Aaron continues.

 

“I want her to grow up in a safe environment. I want to contribute to that instead of sitting around waiting for work all day,” Aaron's raises his voice slightly, feels tension in his head, feels a sting behind his eyes, a lump in his throat.

 

Robert's eyes are suddenly wider and Aaron is nervous under the gaze.

 

“You want to,” Robert says matter of factly and Aaron feigns confusion.

 

“You want to go back!” Robert shouts as it settles into his mind and Aaron can’t lie, know’s he’s being backed into a corner, knows nothing he says will work.

 

“Maybe I do.” Aaron spits, the words leaving his mouth before they even cross through his brain and Robert’s face falls from hard to broken in seconds.

 

The silence is lingering again, Robert’s eyes wide, the blue deeper than ever, and all Aaron can do is try and explain.

 

“It’s bad out there. They’re my brothers. They need me,” Aaron tries, voice breaking and pleading as he feels a tear release and hit the bottom of his cheek.

 

“We need you!”

 

It’s a cry, a shout, It makes Aaron's eyes dart to where Luna’s in her pram hoping she doesn’t wake to this, It makes his heart break.

 

“Robert…”

 

It’s all he can say, all he can hope for but Robert’s taking a step back once more like he’s jumping away from a flame.

 

“We took vows,” Robert shouts, frustration, sadness, anger. “We said we’d support each other, we said we’d never be apart.”

 

“We’d also said we would support each other, so I need you support my decision, Rob.” Aaron stresses, his voice isn’t as loud, it isn’t as broken. It’s certain, determined, he knows he needs to do this.

 

“All this time, you said you were getting better, you said you were happy, and you’ve been planning to leave us all along,” Robert’s words are laced with hurt, and betrayal, his hands coming up to pull at his hair in frustration.

 

“No, it’s not like that,” Aaron cries, his voice louder now to emphasize his honesty. “I never want to leave you, but I need to do this, Robert. I need to make sure Luna’s safe. Make sure we’ll all be better off.”

 

“No! Don’t use her as an excuse.” Robert roars and Aaron stumbles back a little. “That’s selfish. It’s just selfish.”

 

“It’s not like-”

 

The tears stream down his face, his heart sinks low, his hands fall by his sides with nobody to hold onto.

 

“You’re leaving us. You’re leaving us and you don’t even know when you’ll be back. If you’ll-” Robert stops short, a sob caught in his throat, his chin quivers and he takes his lip between his teeth to control it.

 

“Please don’t be like this,” Aaron begs, taking a tentative step forward.

 

“Aaron, we have a baby!” Robert cries, the fight inside of him gone, his shoulders slumped, his pacing stopped, feet dragged.

 

“That's why I have to do this.”

 

“No, you’re doing this because you want to,” Robert spits. It sounds final, he turns his back as his feet take him to the door and Aaron feels the tears caress his cheek.

 

There’s that silence again, painful and shattering around them.

 

He returns moments later, a bag in hand, a frown on his face. There tears haven't fell yet, still rimmed around his eyes and making them shine with the gloss of it. Aaron squeeze his together to try and stop his own falling tears.

 

“Robert, wha-” Aaron steps forward, hand reaching out but left to fall back by his side as Robert moves past him.

 

 

The sound of Luna's cries fill the room as Robert cradles her in his arms. It’s almost as if she knows, she senses it, that the world is falling down around her. 

 

The bag in Robert’s hand is gripped tight, Aaron eyes it suspiciously, eyes travel slowly back up to Robert’s face.

 

It’s pale, he looks younger, eyes stained red and lip turned down. He looks broken, lost, and Aaron only has himself to blame.

 

He opens his mouth once more, words not forming before Robert interrupts.

 

“If you want to leave us so much, then we won't stop you.”

 

Aaron can’t find the words, can’t stop the tears, can’t move his limbs.

 

“Bye Aaron.”

 

It’s hard, final, strong. Like cement slathered on the bricks of a wall being built between them and he doesn’t even have a chance to protest before the doors being slammed and his tears fall more frantically.

 

He’s left there, motionless, torn, alone.

 

 

:::

 

He doesn’t sleep at all. He tries Robert's phone constantly until the sun is cracking through the windows, but there’s no answer.

 

His heart aches, he feels lost in his own home, pacing around helpless and hopeless.

 

He understand Robert's anger, understand his sadness, but what he doesn’t understand is how he won’t support his decision.

 

He has a feeling where he’ll be hiding out, has a aching in his heart that tells him where to go.

 

His hand is hesitant once he's outside Victoria’s door, uncertainty of why he’s going to say once he’s in the other side.

 

He stands there with clammy palms and a racing heart and each second feels too long until the door is being opened and he’s met with the short brunette who’s eyes mirror her brother’s own.

 

She gives him a knowing look straight away. One that says ‘He doesn’t want to see you.’ But that doesn’t stop Aaron.

 

“Vic, please, I just need to talk to him.” He pleads and she just exhales in reply.

 

“He’s not in a good way Aaron, maybe nows not the time.”

 

“Please, I need to see him before I go.”

 

She exhales again but this time with a thoughtful look on her face before she steps aside and lets him enter her home.

 

His feet take him straight to the living area, heart stopping as soon as his eyes fall onto the both of them curled up on the sofa.

 

Robert looks broken, exhausted, black circles under his eyes and hair dishevelled and it only makes Aaron’s heart hurt more.

 

He looks up briefly when he hears the footsteps, before returning his gaze back forward as though Aaron hasn’t even entered the room.

 

“How about you come and spend some time with your auntie Vic, eh?” Victoria announces, moving past Aaron and picking Luna up in her arms.

 

She’s gives the two of them one last glance before giving them some privacy and leaving with Luna, not before Aaron places a soft kiss on his daughter's head.

 

“I don’t wanna hear it, Aaron,” Robert breaks the silence before he has a chance too. He pushes himself off the sofa, back still to Aaron and walks to the other side of the room to distance himself.

 

“Rob please, just hear me out.”

 

“Have you decided not to go back to the army?”

 

Robert finally turns and Aaron catches his bloodshot eyes from across the room before they flicker to the ground.

 

“N-no,” he says nervously, a gulp of the throat as he swallows his guilt.

 

“Then we have nothing to talk about,” Robert forces his voice not to break as he begins to make his way towards the door, passing Aaron in the process.

 

Aaron grabs him by the elbow, Robert stops without much fight, the slump of his shoulders show his exhaustion.

 

“I signed up months ago, before you made the deal with that new client, before Luna, before all of this,” he explains, desperation in his voice.

 

“So you didn’t have faith in me at all? Didn’t believe me when I said I'd make it all work out,” Robert almost looks betrayed and Aaron has to close his eyes for a second because it’s too hard to see.

 

“No, It’s not like that,” Aaron pleads, finally opening his eyes and looking at Robert. “ I just wanted to help, I needed to feel useful. I couldn’t sit back and watch you work yourself into the ground.”

 

“So why are you going now? When everything is so-” Robert exhales, takes a lasting blink. “Perfect.”

 

“I need to do this Robert, just one last time, please you need to understand that,” Aaron’s almost begging, tears slowly and steady down his cheek. “Please. I need you to be okay with this.”

 

“I can’t.” Robert replies, he shakes his head, closes his eye to try stop his own tears falling. “I can’t be okay with you leaving your family to go and risk your life. And for what? A bit of thrill? A bit of excitement?”

 

“It’s not like that at all, you don’t understand.”

 

“You’re right.” Robert almost shouts and there's a second where just their panting fills the room. “You’re right, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can leave your husband and your newborn daughter, I don’t understand why you’d want to.”

 

A sob escapes his throat and Aaron physically winces at the sound.

 

“I'm sorry.” He’s not quite sure what he’s apologizing for, but he does it anyway in hopes he can make Robert feel better.

 

“I think you should go.”

 

“Rob-”

 

“Aaron, please, just go.”

 

He lets his shoulders fall, ducks his head and feels the pain in his chest as he drags his feet towards the door.

 

His hand hesitates on the handle. he can feel Robert’s presence not far behind him like he always does, hears the sniffle of his unshed tears.

 

“My flights tomorrow, at 4:00PM in the afternoon,” Aaron informs him after a large inhale. He wants desperately for Robert to be there.

 

He’s met with silence, desperate to be heard as he feels another tear roll down his face. Robert doesn’t turn around, Aaron watches his shoulders shake and the sniffles become louder.

 

All he can do is turn and leave.

 

 

 

:::

 

 

He checks his watch for what feels like the millionth time already today.

 

He’s sat with just rucksack on the floor next to his thick soled army boots, receiving the occasional stare. He hears the announcements being called, but his eyes never stop scanning the room.

 

He glances around once more, his departure time creeping close by the seconds.

 

He feels his heart shatter with each movement of his watch, lets a sigh fall from his lips as he stands and goes to grab his bag.

 

As if something is telling him to look up, he does, seeing a movement in the crowd in front of him as it suddenly parts and his eyes catch sight of them.

 

He’s there, all blonde hair and bright eyes, cradling their daughter in his arms and Aaron can’t help but smile widely, almost breathless for the anticipation.

 

“You came?” He breathes out, almost in disbelief and Robert smiles half-heartedly at his husband.

 

“Hello beautiful,” Aaron coos, taking Luna from Robert and hugging her close to his chest, a soft kiss on the side of her head.

 

“Thank you for coming.” He smiles towards his husband, swaying Luna in his arms.

 

“I almost didn’t.” Robert replies honestly and Aaron tries not to show how much the words hurt. “I did it for Luna, she deserves a goodbye.”

 

Aaron kisses her once more, gazes into her beautiful blue eyes and promises himself he’ll be looking into them soon enough before he’s distracted by the call of his flight.

 

“I- Um-” He stutters and Robert just nods his head, removing his hands from the pocket of his leather jacket and taking Luna back.

 

They stand awkwardly for a second, swaying out of rhythm before Aaron leans forwards and presses a lingering kiss to Robert’s cheek. He’s certain he notices a tear fall as he’s pulling away.

 

He picks up his bag once more, about to head away when Robert pulls a small piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it over to Aaron.

 

He examines it, the envelope and the writing, and he knows almost instantly what it is.

 

“You wrote a letter?” He half gasps and Robert has to look away for a second before nodding an answer.

 

“I may not approve of this, but I do still love you,” he says it so matter-of-factly and Aaron breaks down there and then.

 

“I’ll be home soon, I promise,” he replies, a hand coming up to cup Robert’s jaw and stroke at his cheek but it’s only brief, until Robert steps out of his grip.

 

“Just stay safe, yeah, for Luna,” he says and it’s final as he turns his back and begins his exit out the airport

 

Aaron watches them leave until the final call for his boarding gate makes him finally move his feet.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Nanyuki, Africa - February 2017**

 

Something feels different this time round. His heart beats a little fast, his nerve ends tingle a little stronger, each step doesn’t bring a sense of fulfillment, only dread.

 

He looks to his side, glances over Adam’s side profile and smiles to himself. His beard is longer, hair curlier, but that smile is still firmly on his face and Aaron wonders how he does it.

 

“It’s good to have you back bro,” Adam says, eyes still focused on the journey in front of them and it’s as though he can read Aaron’s mind.

 

“Yeah, good to be back,” he lies in return, hands dipping into the pockets of his jacket.

 

His boots sink into the mud, splashing up the leg of his casual jeans as they walk to the meeting point disguised as civilians.

 

He lets his thumb graze the piece of paper in his pocket, making a warmth erupt in his chest as he thinks back to the words, the ones he’s reread so much, the comfort of them, the pain of missing them spoken into his ear.

_We’ll always have the moon_

He looks up, the grey clouded sky coming into view and he sighs to himself.

 

He thinks back to the letter Robert had gave him just before he left, the photograph of the three of them tucked tightly inside.

 

He’d tried calling him as soon as he got here, and countless days after that, but Robert refused to take his calls, saying it’s just easier this way, less heartache, and all Aaron can do is respect that.

 

 

 

They approach the city, a bustling market and people pass by them with shoulders bumping and heads down. They spot the informant, his eyes shifting and a nervous sway and as soon as he locks eyes with them both, he begins to back away slowly into a small back alleyway. He and Adam head forward with ease, what was supposed to be a relaxing, easy day out becoming more and more frustrating. There’s commotion from behind them, noise, footsteps and they share a glance before Adam nods in the direction behind them. Aaron understands, nods in agreement and heads forward alone, following the informant deeper into the darkened alley.

 

Aaron furrows his brow when he doesn’t stop, falling deeper into the dark. He speeds up his stop, large boots against gravel as he approaches the guy as he runs out of places to go.

 

“Hey, He,.” Aaron attempts in a calming voice, he smiles, catches the guy’s eyes for a second before his eyes are shifting and he’s looking trapped.

 

“It’s alright, it’s me, don't worry…” Aaron continues but the man in front of him continues to step backwards slowly. He reaches out, tries to put a hand on his shoulder but the other man jumps out of his grip like he’s been burned,

 

“Don't touch me,” his accent is thick, voice low and warning.

 

Aaron steps back a small step before trying again. “Hey, it’s alright I’m not going to-”

 

“They will see us. I have to go. They will kill us.”

 

Aaron frowns, feels a panic burn up inside him “They?”

 

“I have to go.” The informant panics and he looks positively terrified now, wild eyes and sweat forming on his brow.

 

“Wait, you’re not alone?” Aaron tries to remain calm, tries to get information out of the man.

 

He stays silent, looks around Aaron for an escape route and Aaron tries to contain the situation while he still can. “Listen, you’re safe with me. Remember that.” He tells him, finally locking eyes.

 

“Nobody is safe,” the informant replies. Eyes locked on Aaron’s, deep and dark pupils ringed with fear. Aaron feels the gulp in his throat, tries to remain calm as the man pushes him out the way in an attempt to escape.

 

“Hey,” Aaron calls, grabs his elbow before he runs off and pulls him closer.

 

“Let go!” The informant shouts, sending a shiver down Aaron’s spine but he doesn’t release.

 

“Just- wait.” Aaron calls as the man struggles. He tightens his grip without noticing before there's a loud bang that rings through his ears, piercing his ear drums and loosening his grip involuntarily.

 

He feels a wetness on his stomach, before a pain follows in his back, He furrows his brow, watches as the informant runs, sneakers cracklin on the gravel of the allway as he does. Aaron brings his hands to the pain in his stomach and holds tight before his eyes travel down to the wetness.

 

It's agonising, burning, demanding to be felt and making the rest of his body feel numb.

 

He feels his legs buckle, his head suddenly feels heavy and he’s confused for a moment before it settles in.

 

He’s been shot.

 

He tries to shout for help, but nothing comes out. His whole body feels too heavy to hold up. He falls against the wall, his head hitting it with some force before his feet are sliding along the gravel and his body drags down the hard bricks.

 

His hands feel warm. They’re violently red as he pushes on the wound as much as he can.

 

The cold ground is refreshing but doesn't take away the pain.

 

His eyelids are heavy, breathing unsteady and almost an effort and the only thing that crosses his mind is…

 

_I’m going to die._

He’s going to die on this cold, hard ground, down a darkened alleyway, all alone; far from his husband and child.

  
He feels his eyelids fall, tries to take control of them but there’s a fuzziness in his head he just can’t fight.

 

He looks up to the sky, it’s somewhere close to the sun and moon meeting in the sky.

 

He sees it, faint and edging higher by the seconds; it’s dull, it’s far, but it’s there.

 

_The moon._

 

He lets his eyelids fall closed, admitting defeat, accepting his fate.

 

The last thing he sees is Robert’s face, smiling back at him…

 

Before it all goes _black._

 

 

:::

 

 

**Leeds, UK - March 2017**

 

The sound of small cries fills his ears as he enters the apartment door.  
  
He lets out a sigh. It’s a noise he’s become accustomed to, almost like Luna can sense the negative vibes he lets off as soon as he comes into a room.

 

“Mr Sugden.”

 

He’s greeted by a forced but warm smile, an over-friendly voice and the face of Luna’s nanny carrying her in her arms.

 

“I know, I’m late, I’m sorry,” he apologises, dropping his laptop bag on the floor and taking the small child in his arms.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr Sugden,” Eleanor, the short brunette with the big brown eyes says, dismissing Robert’s apology. Robert can sense that she’s tired of hearing them.

 

“Thanks again,” he calls as the door closes behind him, the sound of Luna’s cries filling the empty apartment.

 

It’s another hour or so before Luna is falling asleep in Robert’s arms, the light cries turning to soft snores as he sways her back and forth.  
  
It’s approaching 9:00PM and he’s yet to take off his jacket or even consider trying to make food, but the loud rumble of his stomach is daringly close to waking Luna up.  
  
He places her back in her Moses basket and heads towards the kitchen, letting the fridge light illuminate the room.

 

He’s met with a mostly empty fridge, grocery shopping having become a luxury at the moment. He takes a bite out of an old, stale ham sandwich when the cries fill his ears again.  
  
He sighs, shoulders slumped and forehead leaned against the fridge before he makes he way back over to where Luna is sleeping and scoops her back into his arms.

 

“Shhh…” He attempts to soothe her, he cries muffling in his shirt as he eases his way back onto the sofa and strokes his index finger across her hairline.

 

“I know, I know, I miss Daddy too,” he whispers, his heart wrenching with each word.

 

Aaron’s absence gets harder with each passing day, but his own stubbornness refuses to allow him to reach out no matter how much he’s begun to miss his husband.

 

It’s been almost three weeks since he’s spoken to him last, since he watched him walk out of him and Luna’s life in favour of violence and uncertainty.

 

He regrets letting him go, regrets not calling him everyday, regrets ignoring his letter. But the pain of that choice still stings like a freshly cut wound.

 

Robert refuses to cry as he blinks back tears, the lump in his throat increasing as fond memories fill his mind.  
  
He looks to his side, catches a glimpse of their wedding photo, of happier times and bright smiles as they stand with their arms wrapped around each other.

 

He has to look away, look down at Luna, his main priority now.

 

A yawn escapes his mouth as she wriggles in his arms and begins to cry once more, as though she can read Robert’s thoughts.

 

His head hits the back of the couch, eyelids forced to stay open as the night turns into day.

 

:::

 

 

The bright sun cracking through the window symbols the start of morning way before Robert’s alarm alerts him.

 

He struggles with balancing Luna and making breakfast, to the point where he gives up on his own meal and settles with baby formula instead.

 

There a phone call a little after 7:00AM, while Robert’s propping Luna up on the sofa and attempting to open up his laptop.

 

It’s Eleanor, announcing she’ll be late today and Robert lets out a sigh of distress at the information before ending the phone call.

 

“Look like Daddy's working from home today,” he announces to his daughter, voice soft and full of stress. He runs his hands through his hair, rubs at his eyes viscously before settling back down onto the sofa and reaching for his laptop.

 

He fails to notice the remaining baby formula in Luna’s bottle, the small amount she’d refused to drink knocked over by Robert’s overly large hands and onto the keyboard of his work laptop.

 

“Shit!” He hisses, grabbing at the closest thing available — his clean shirt — and trying to soak up the liquid to cause minimal damage.

 

The outburst makes Luna cry once more, the sound loud and piercing. Robert can almost feel the tears in the back of his eyes brewing before he swallows it down and cradles her into his neck.

 

His eyelids are heavy, muscles aching and his heart feels like it’s been ripped out of his chest.  
  
He goes to settle back down on the sofa once more, attempt to make a start on work when a knock at the door startles him.

 

He eyes the wood suspiciously, his mind racing with possibilities of who the company could be.  
  
Placing Luna down, he heads for the door, pulling it open with ease.

 

He’s met with two men, both in uniform, one he immediately recognises, the other in a uniform similar to the one Aaron had worn for their wedding.

 

There's a sinking feeling in his stomach, a ringing in his ears that silences out Lunas cries, a quiver to his chin as he tries to wash out the thoughts that come to mind.

 

“Good morning Mr Sugden, do you have a moment?” One of the men says, his voice is cautious, almost robotic but there's pity in his eyes and he feels his breathing rapidly increase.

 

His eyes fall on the neatly folded flag in one of their hands, notes as they remove their hats as a sign of respect and wait for Robert to reply.

 

He feels his chest rise and fall uncontrollably, brings his hand up to his forehead in disbelief as his heart begins to shatter, he pushes his hair backwards, shakes his head sideways as they speak

 

“It’s with deepest regret that we are here…”

 

He feels as though the room spins around him, he feels a hand on his shoulder, feels the nausea build up in his stomach.

 

He stumbles back, hand reaching out for solid surface as he stumbles against the wall.

 

He doesn't hear what the men in uniform say, doesn’t hear if Luna is crying.

 

His back hits the wall, his knee buckle as the tears begin to fall. Fast and hard after weeks of suppressing them.

 

His body shakes with each cry, a sob releasing from his lips, his back sliding down the wall until he hits the ground.

 

He hugs his arms around his body, feels pain and heartache in every limb as his stomach hurts, his throat aches, his eyes sting, his body feels weak.

 

He thinks about Aaron in pain, how all he wishes he could do is hold him close, how he never wants him to be in pain, how he never got to say goodbye properly all because he was too angry at Aaron’s being selfish.

 

If he hadn’t left them, had stayed with them instead, Aaron would still be here.

 

It’s then his fatherly instincts kicked in and  he remembers Luna in her cot only a few feet away.

 

He jumps up with all his strength, tears still streaming and unable to catch his breath.

 

“It’s ok, everything will be ok, nothing bad is going to happen,” he whispers, taking strides to where she lays.

 

She’s not crying, just lays there with big bright blue eyes that remind him of Aaron, completely oblivious to what is around her.

 

He cradles her to his chest, kisses the top of her head in a protective manner and almost never wants to let go.

 

His chest feels empty, his head heavy and his eyes are almost closed over with the swelling of his tears but he stays in that position for the entirety of the day, promising to keep her safe.

 

He doesn’t hear the door open or the footsteps approaching him.  
  
It’s the hand on his shoulder that startles him, makes him look up through his tear filled eyes at Eleanor's concerned face.

 

She asks questions but he can’t answer, can’t admit it to himself. If he tells people, then it’s real and true and Aaron’s never coming back.

 

He begs her to take Luna for the day, can’t bear to let her see him like this.

 

He feels as though he can’t breathe, can’t see. He attempts to get some water from the kitchen, the sun catching the silver of a photo frame through the window and making it shine in his eye.

 

Their wedding photo, staring back at him, bright smiles and dazzling eyes and memories of  an amazing day comes flooding back.

 

He picks it up, caresses his fingers over the glass before he feels his heart shattering into million little pieces.

 

He can’t believe it, doesn’t want to.

 

Aaron can’t be dead.

 

The tears flow again, fast and heavy as he lets his legs take him to the cold, tiled floor where he stays for the rest of the day, holding the photo frame close and begging for the pain to go away,

 

:::

 

 

 

**Nanyuki, Africa - March 2017**

 

All of a sudden, as if the dream Aaron is dreaming starts to become more real, it starts fading away, and he can hear things around him.

 

His chest is covered by an itchy blanket, his breath out of the ordinary, and head feeling heavy. He attempts to move but everything hurts and he can no longer feel his back. He goes to make his way into a seating position, but flexing his abdomen feels like a million daggers piercing through his skin.

 

There's a beeping, it rings in his ears steady and slow until he tries to move once more.

 

Suddenly it’s loud and rushing and there’s panic inside him, a confusion as Aaron doesn't know what’s happening. He’s too afraid to open his eyes and there’s a shiver running through his body, a pit bubbling at the bottom of is stomach.

 

Has he been captured?

 

Was he beat up so hard he forgot?

 

Where is he?

 

He slowly opens his eyes, everything around him blurry and dark. He feels a panic rush inside him, building up from his stomach, up his throat and making his toes curls. He wants to scream but he feels as though he’s choking.

 

There’s a noise from the other side of the room that startles him.   A door being opened, footsteps coming towards him, multiple footsteps.

 

There's voices, a language he can’t quote put his finger on, one he doesn't speak before a third set of footsteps grab his attention.

 

“Hello.”

 

He feels the presence close to him and begins to squirm once more.

 

“Everything will be okay, no need to panic”.

 

The broken English soothes him.

 

Aaron finally makes sense of what was happening to him, slowly piecing together information.

 

 He’s in a hospital.

 

Judging by the soreness of his back and muscles, he’s been lying here for a while. Judging from the incredible pain he’s feeling from his stomach he figures he’s either been stabbed or shot. Which one doesn’t really matter to him at this point.

 

“Please don’t try to speak with us. You are still intubated, but we will increase your morphine and then extubate you. I’m your doctor, the name’s Sharma. I work with the Red Cross and you’re in excellent hands. We’re in a local hospital.”

 

The doctor waits a second before adding, “You’ll have the chance to tell us all about yourself after you get a little better. Blink once if you understand me and twice if you don’t.”

 

Aaron lets it all settle in, remembers seeing something like this in the movies and TV shows he’d watched while procrastinating on his courses.

 

He blinks once and tries to smile at the doctor, but there’s a stinging in his face when he does so.

 

He tries hard to piece together what happened to him. But the last thing he remembers is being in a car with… Adam.

 

They’d been wearing civilian clothes and it had been warm and cloudy, like it was about to rain in the hell where they were stationed.

 

It had been humid, and he’d been sweating and wishing they’d had some air conditioning in the car they were driving to meet…

 

Who were they meeting?

 

Aaron’s memory is fuzzy, but he attempts to calm himself down — another trick he’s picked up from those same movies he’s watched on TV, the blinking thing that lets him tell himself he’ll remember it eventually.

 

Everyone in those movies always do when it matters most, don’t they?

 

All Aaron’s waiting for is for when the nurses and doctor to come back and to take out his breathing tube. He’s desperate for water and to start talking to them, to ask them all his questions.

 

Maybe they know where he was found, who was he found with, why he isn’t in a military hospital.

 

Much to his shock, they do come quite fast, Aaron’s not sure how much time has passed but they extubate him. They don’t speak any English and all Aaron knows in their tongue is ‘Thank you very much’ which he whispers to them in gratitude.

 

He feels the dryness of his mouth, the scratch at the back of his throat, as he tries to ask for some water.

 

They smile at him, and Aaron’s unsure if they’ve even understood the request.

 

They continue, messing with his medication tubes and everything else. He wants to be alert, wants to ask questions and find answers but his eyelids feel heavy and his head fuzzy. He starts to feel sleepy, a struggle to keep his eyes open..

 

 _Morphine_ is his last thought as he falls asleep.

 

Aaron has no idea how many hours, maybe even days have passed since he’s been here in this bed. He can’t feel his legs or his back or his entire body, so he makes an educated guess on the latter.

 

The room is now dark, only the faint glow of the monitors and the readings of what he knows is his pulse, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation. The only noise filling the room are the beeps that signal he’s not quite dead yet.

 

He tries to crane his neck, look around the room for some windows but his eyes are still a bit foggy. There is some faint sort of light coming out from his left side, he’s not sure if it’s a window or not. He settles on waiting, staring up at the ceiling and trying to piece together his shoddy memory, to understand what the hell has happened to him.

 

He has no concept of time when the Doctor enters the room again, alone this time.

 

“Feeling better?” She asks and Aaron can hear the smile in her voice. “You can talk to me now, but please don’t do it loudly.”

 

She flicks on a light at the side of his bed so the room goes from dark to dim.

 

He lets out a groan as he moves, licking his lips in attempt to moisten them.

 

“Yeah, I’m feeling much better, thank you Doctor Sharma,” he replies politely, before trying to capture her eye. “I just don’t remember much of what has happened to me.”

 

“You were shot in the abdomen from a close range,” she confirms, the words sinking in. “You were lucky that the bullet missed the essential parts and it went out on the other side. It happened in an alley near the big market. Do you remember who did it?”

 

The words burrow deeper into Aaron’s mind, blurry memories coming back into play, the pain in his stomach heightening, his mind in overdrive.

 

“No…” He breathes out in defeat. “I can't really remember what happened, let alone any faces.”

 

“What’s your name?  I reckon you’re not from around these parts and I’m very sure that you’re not a tourist. MI6? Mossad? CIA?” The doctor asks, her red lips turned up into a smile.

 

“Umm… My name’s Aaron,” he states, feeling uneasy with the amount of questions about him and his occupation.

 

“Aaron, you’re safe here. I’m with the Red Cross, and I would do nothing to harm you,” her voice is soft, and gentle, but Aaron still debates if he should trust her.

 

“You’re not in a hospital anymore. Well, not one in the real sense of the word,” she continues and it feels like a blow to the stomach as his panic intensifies. “You’re in an improvised basement. It’s a secret place where we try to treat people like you. Soldiers, informants, spies, reporters, civilians, sometimes even children.”

 

She pauses, before adding once again, “It’s for anyone who needs help and refuge from the people who might be chasing them or want them dead.”

 

He’s weary, scared, tentative. He could be anywhere and she could be anyone, this doctor telling him anything she wants.

 

“How long have I been here?” He asks with shaky breaths

 

“Six days,” she confirms, as he traces over her features under the low lighting. “Here’s your chart. You can read it. But don’t worry, it’s just for my keeping. After you leave the compound we’ll burn it and there will be no trace of your existence here.”

 

She comes close to him, gives him the thin folder, before smiling and leaving him alone with his file.

 

He opens it, lets his eyes scan over every aspect of the page before settling at the top.

 

That’s when he reads it, in big, thick red font and painful to the eye, the word, “DECEASED.”

 

He feel the panic build up in him again, his breathing unstead, the beeping louder as his heart races. He is very much alive. He continues to read.

 

He begins to believe the doctor as he turns the page and finds handwriting on yellow paper about what kind of treatment he’s received.

 

… resuscitation, adrenaline, 1l of blood. Some words he can’t understand as they’re written in a rush. 400mg of something, 1000g of something else, another blood transfusion, surgery, something about internal bleeding, some tests.

 

He decides to shuffle through four pages of handwriting till he gets to the last few days. He’d fallen asleep nine hours earlier, when the nurses slightly upped his meds so he’d calm down. He takes a look at the monitor with his life signs and he isn’t shocked at all by the fact that his heart is racing.

 

He’s officially a dead man.

 

The army will pronounce him dead. They’ll inform everyone in his life that he, Aaron Dingle, has died in an undercover classified mission.

 

They will have tell Robert about it, they will have to give him the flag with their sincerest condolences and then explain to him why he can’t bury him, why is there no body, why their daughter will grow up without a dad.

 

He feels the burning sensation behind his eyes once more, swallows the lump down in his throat.

 

He thinks of Robert, at home with their daughter, imagines him getting the news, how broken he’ll be, how he’ll probably fall against the wall as his legs give in.  
  
Would he still be angry at him? Would he be crying? Would he try and be strong for Luna?

 

_Luna_

 

She may never know him. He may never see her grow,

 

He feels a dampness on his cheeks, suddenly regretting even re-applying. He’d thought he known best, but now all he wants is to be home with his family.

 

He cries, tears streaming down his face and a puddle on his chest as his nose runs and eyes sting.

 

He feels lost in a world that doesn’t know he’s alive. He’s a ghost now. He has no identity, no name, no home, nothing. He’s simply ceased existing.

 

He doesn’t know what to do with this information.

 

He tries to shift in bed, his pillow wet from the tears he’s been crying. He just wants to talk to Robert.

 

Robert, his Robert, with the golden blonde hair he may never get to feel and the eyes so bright he may never get to gaze into them again. Robert would know what to do in this situation. He’d have already come up with a plan, or had a scheme up his sleeve, something he would think up fast to try and save them.

 

But he can’t talk to him right now. Even though it’s the only thing he wants in this moment. He’d give anything for that.

 

A phone call, a letter, a kiss.

 

Anything.

 

:::

 

 

Days go by in a haze.

 

Aaron’s limited to how much of the outside he sees, so he has only the vaguest idea of time.

 

Dr Sharma brings him newspapers and he occasionally watches the news. But there’s still the agonising problem of not having any contact with the outside world, on account of his being a dead man.

 

It’s surreal, still, and he doesn’t think that he can ever wrap his head around this. He wonders if there's been a funeral service, if people are mourning his death, if they have fond memories of him.

 

He feels miles better physically, his body starting to recuperate. He slowly runs on the treadmill, engages in some light exercise, anything to keep his muscles going and his blood flowing and his mind off his life, off Robert and Luna.

 

He begins to show signs of getting better after two weeks. He almost feels perfect, well, as perfect as someone who is supposed to be dead can feel. He’s the strongest he’s ever been, and the healthiest he’s ever felt.

 

He knows Dr. Sharma won’t be able to keep him on the premises for much longer, so he spends his days attempting to come up with a plan. So at least the next occasion that he sees her, he’ll be able to ask what her what he can do.

 

 

 

“I know I’m better now and I can’t stay here forever. Any tips for a dead man walking?” Aaron asks with half a smile, trying to hide his sadness behind some tired humour.

 

“Well, Aaron. We’ve actually got some new information about the person who shot you. He was picked up by a man and they drove out of the town. We don’t know where, but we’re pretty confident that this isn’t the last trip they made into town,” she tells him, keeping her voice low. “One of our staffers is dispensing insulin shots to your man in a small apartment on the outskirts of the town. We’re sure they’ll be back soon enough. Maybe there’ll be some answers for you. This is all I can do for you.”

 

She smiles sadly, handing him a folder with two different photographs of the man who supposedly took away Aaron’s informant to a different location.

 

“Any chance I could get my hands on a car? A local one?” Since he won’t have a roof over his head, he’ll have to improvise.   


“There’s an old, beat up pick up truck you can take,” the doctor tells him after a few minutes of thinking. “You should know that it barely works, but it’s enough to give you a head start. Wherever that is.”

 

“Thanks, Dr Sharma,” he smiles sadly, his plan of action finally coming into play. “For everything you did for me and keep doing. I hope we see each other again.”

 

:::

 

Aaron’s shifting in his seat trying to stretch his legs under the steering wheel. If he’s honest this truck smells like something died in here, and considering its unknown history, he’s probably right.

 

It’s the third night he’s parked not far from the apartment Dr. Sharma told him about and so far, there’s been no sign of anything; no movement, no life source. He’s not even sure what he’s planning to do from there on and how everything will pan out. But it's the only thing he has at the moment and he’s going to play it out.

 

He wonders how Robert is coping back home, fails to erase him from his mind. What would the army have told him about his death? How did they explain the lack of a body? He just wants to find the first phone and call the love of his life and his daughter and tell them that he is fine, that he’s alive and breathing and well and all he wants to is to go home to his family and never leave again. But he knows that he can’t.

 

As the anxiety, uncertainty, and lack of vision for the future start to set in, Aaron does the only thing he knows will help. He looks up to the sky, wanting to find the moon.

 

There it is. Bright and beautiful, casting a timid light over everything.

 

Aaron reaches over to the glovebox and pulls out the piece of paper and pen he’d placed there earlier. He rests them on the steering wheel and begins scribbling fast, pointed and angry. Not sure at what he’s angry but the feeling is there.

 

_Dear Robert,_

_Here I find myself again, alone, miserable, trying to find the moon so I can find a piece of you to calm my spirit. I’m so sorry for everything you must be going through, for everything you’re continuing to go through._

_I’m not sure what I pictured when I decided to come back to the army, but it certainly wasn't this… You at home with our lovely daughter, me stuck here on the other side of the world, nobody knowing I’m even alive.  
I guess I just thought I’d always come back home to you, that the time would pass by quickly, that everything would be the same. _

_I see how foolish that was now. You were right to be upset. But now I’m filled with regret, regret and anger._

_We never got to say goodbye, you wouldn’t say goodbye and I need you too, I need you to tell me you loved me and you’ll be there when I come back because now I never know If i will, but I know i’m going to try my damned hardest to make sure I do, for you, and for Luna._  
  
Know that I love you. I always have, I always will

_We’ll always have the moon._

_Always yours._

_Aaron._

 

The heat on his cheek wakes him up and he quickly realizes that it’s morning and the sun has risen, sleep taking over him as he was writing to Robert.

 

A letter he can never send.

 

He wipes at his eyes and he sees that he finished the letter. He folds it and places it carefully in the glovebox as if it’s his most prized earthly possession.

 

He needs to go to the market just off town and get some food, but the black hoodie and cap he’s wearing is even too much for him even in this temperature. He’s sweaty, pretty sure he now smells like what he officially is, a dead man.

 

He steps out of his car with his hands in his pockets and surveys his surroundings.

 

Just to the left of him at a different stand with fried fish, he spots the man in the photos.

 

His heartbeat races, a smile tugging on his lips. Finally, some good news in Aaron’s life.

 

He tries to pace himself, not to rush, not to act suspicious. He clutches his little paper bag containing about six plums, and moves slowly back to his truck, planning to follow his target.

 

Back behind his steering wheel he still has eyes on the man as he goes on about his day doing some light shopping. It’s terrifying to Aaron. The thought that such a person can go on about his day like normal, grabbing groceries like he’s planning to make dinner and watch some TV.

 

Suddenly he remembers all the grocery trips he’s taken with Robert planning their dinners in front of the TV while arguing over what show to watch. He holds back the massive pain he’s feeling in his chest and tries to breathe in deeply, holding on to that thought of going back home to do the same thing again.

 

The man doesn’t go to his apartment, instead he jumps into a really old beat down Mercedes and drives out of town. Aaron tries to stay on his tail from afar.

 

 

The drive seems never ending as Aaron keeps an eye on the clock. One… Two… Three hours pass before any signs of stopping are shown.

 

The man enters a house in the middle of some deserted land and it looks like it’s fortified, with tight security cameras.

 

Aaron pulls out a map and marks the location on it before driving off to the nearest town, planning to go back when it’s dark to see if he can understand what his target is up to.

 

 

 

Aaron spends the entire day debating going back. He knows that this is the real danger, because he is already considered dead. If he’s caught, a request for ransom will be out of the question. If he’s captured then this is really it. No one will look for a dead man.

 

 

 

He can’t let it slide. He’s convinced there’s something bigger at play with this and he wants it to end so badly in the name of all the innocent people who’ve had to suffer, in the name of all his fellow soldiers who were injured or killed, in the name of his family because this is what he came here to do and he will be damned to hell if he fails doing it. He will not disappoint his family. He didn’t abandon Robert to come back here and be a coward. He’s going to accomplish what he came here to do and then go back home, forever, to his family.

 

 

 

With this mentality going strong, Aaron jumps back into his truck driving slowly. Once he is 2 km away from the house, he turns off the headlights and tries to drive only with only his fog lights on. As soon as he is in sight of the compound, he turns them off completely.

 

He can see some faint lights coming from ahead. He sits with his eyes on the single entrance in the wall. No movement in or out. He looks up to the sky again, now a deep indigo and scattered with stars that are achingly familiar to the freckles on his husbands face. He looks to the moon again and smiles, feeling confident he has something on these guys.

 

 

His truck is parked off road behind some big rocks but not completely covered so he can still see some of the activity. With his eyelids heavy and sleep begging to be felt, he sees a bright light and realizes that the entrance has opened.

 

Five men come out and he instantly recognizes one of them. It’s the main target. The one Ross almost died for a few years back when they tried to capture him for the first time and walked into an ambush.

 

He takes a few photos and writes down descriptions of the men who are with him; a bodyguard, a possible friend, maybe some family. All are armed, all looking threatening. His first instinct is to go back to the base with this info but how will he be able to come near the base without being shot at with an RPG. He has to find a phone and contact his sergeant, but his time is running out.

 

 

He waits until 4:00AM when all the lights die out and he is confident that everyone is sleeping. He begins to drive through the field without any lights on, only guiding himself by the silver lighting that the moon casts over the barren field. It’s Robert, he knows it in his heart that he can see the moon that night because Robert is watching it too. It’s his strength, his light even when he isn’t aware of it.

 

He makes it back just a little after the sunrise as he is trying to find the local SIM card dealer in the hopes he can get a working phone to make the coded call and get back to base. His money is running out and the man asks for everything he has, so Aaron figures he might as well pay him. He’s going back to the base anyway.

 

He makes the anticipated call down a quiet alleyway, tucked away from any civilisation. The joy in his sargeant’s voice when Aaron confirms his identity and tells them he’s coming to base with intel is almost too much for him to handle.

 

He's suddenly afraid of Robert’s reaction, at the reveal of him being alive. But he’s puts that to the back of his mind. He needs to keep his mind in the game and bring back intel and cook up a plan of attack to take that bastard down once and for all, so he’ll be served justice for all the crimes he’s committed.

 

 :::

 

**Nanyuki, Africa -  May 2017**

 

Once Aaron’s feet touch the gravel of the army base he’s bombarded with hugs and kissed forcefully on the cheek. Everyone has tears in their eyes, thankful for Aaron’s life.

 

It makes him smile for the first time in weeks, the Army being his second family; brothers bonding together in times of need.

 

The intelligence services ask for a debrief but he is determined to talk to the sergeant and make a plan. He gathers his squad around the maps, he downloads the photos off his camera, and sends the pictures back to the base in the UK awaiting for the green light on their plan while they suit up in combat gear.

 

It’s now or never.

 

They work quickly, no fatalities, no mistakes. Everything goes to plan, a smooth operation, an easy way in as the enemy doesn't expect the army to attack the home he lives in.

 

 

 

Aaron leads the team, arresting everyone in the compound with speed and skill. Not even Ross questions any of his ideas for one second.

 

Within a couple of hours, they’re back to base, happyband smiling at the arrests made. There’s talks about Aaron getting one of the Queen’s decorations for valour. He doesn’t care much about that and everything drowns out as his thoughts are overcome with how he can get his life back.

 

He heads straight to a phone, the one person he wants to speak to just a phone call away. The mission has finally come to an end, his goal has been reached and he can finally go home.

 

He’s never thought he’d be happy to say that he was going to be an unemployed man.

 

He makes his way to the common area, his Sergeant stopping him in the hallway.

 

“Why so fast, Dingle?”

 

“I need to call my husband, let him know that I’m okay,” he can barely contain the tears in his eyes at the simple thought of talking to Robert, hearing his voice after all this time, telling him how much he loves him and how much Robert gave him the energy to put one foot in front of the other during these days.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dingle. You need to debrief with the intelligence service in London and then go back home. You aren’t allowed to make any phone calls during this time”.

 

He feels confusion take over his features, his heart breaking for the billionth time. Every day he spends away from his family is a day when he can’t breathe, when he can’t think, when he can’t focus. He’s not sure he can do it much longer.

 

“When am I going to London, sir?” He tries to stop his voice from breaking as he wipes at the falling tears now dressing his face.

 

“In the next two hours. The plane’s fueling and loading. Your stuff has already been shipped back home, but I recommend you take a shower and have a change of clothes before boarding,” Sergeant Collins tells him, before his features turn softer. “Dingle, it’s been an unspeakable pleasure to serve next to you. You have a courageous heart, a relentless spirit and love for your fellow humans that few people have, and that you take that love and turn into a strength. Your daughter will be proud to call you her dad.” 

 

Collins leans in for a hug and Aaron can’t contain his crying anymore, lets the tears flow freely and a sigh of relief escape into his Sergeant’s shoulder.

 

He’s going home. Finally. Forever. 

 

 

 

:::

 

**Leeds, UK - June 2017**

 

 

There’s a thrill inside him when his feet are firmly on English soil.

 

The plane ride passes by in a flash, the excitement to get home almost overwhelming.

 

He’s thankful his meeting with the intelligence base doesn't take too long.

 

He wastes no time, getting straight into a car and heading towards the only place he wants to be right now.

 

 _Home_.

 

It’s exactly how he remembers it when he arrives, even though it feels as though so much has changed.

 

He’s been denied any contact, ached to hear his husband's voice for weeks and now the time is finally here.

 

He looks at the door, and then down to his hands. They shake nervously, the anticipation running through him and he exhales before bringing his hand up and knocking once, twice, three times.

 

He feels his heartbeat in every inch of his body, with every breath, every passing second he’s stood on the wrong side of the door.

 

He wonders if Robert’s hair is longer, if Luna’s grown at all, if they will be shocked, upset, relieved.

 

He doesn't have to wonder much longer, when the click of the lock signals the door opening and Aaron holds his breath with excitement.

 

What he doesn’t expect is to have to look down…

 

What he doesn’t expect is a short brunette with glasses smiling politely up at him…

 

What he doesn’t expect is for his heart to stop beating for a few moments.

 

“I- Uh-“ He can’t speak, can’t think. Surely this can’t be true, surely this can't be happening again.

 

He feels everything inside him hurt, his heart goes into overdrive and suddenly he’s-

 

“Mr Sugden.”

 

The brunette speaks softly, calling his husband’s name and he freezes for a second unsure what to expect when she’s disappearing into the apartment and suddenly, without warning… he’s there.

 

He’s everything Aaron remembers, every inch, every detail down to the very last freckle is the same and Aaron can’t help but smile widely as his chest rises and fall.

 

He watches Robert’s eyes widen, notes the dark circles under them, watches as his mouth hangs open and he pales in the face, like he’s seen a ghost, which is exactly what Aaron must be to him…

 

A ghost.

 

Aaron can’t help but step forward, smile wide and heart thumping against his chest and Robert brings a hand up to his mouth before his eyes are glossed over and the tears fall uncontrollably.

 

Aaron can suddenly move, and he’s launching himself towards Robert, cradling him against his chest as he sobs against the material of his shirt. It’s the most Aaron’s ever seen him cry, as he strokes his shaking back and soothes his blonde hair.

 

“It’s ok, It’s me. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere,” Aaron promises, feeling his own tears dropping onto his cheek and pooling in his beard as he places kisses in Robert’s hair.

 

“I’m back, I’m not going anywhere,” he repeats, feeling Robert’s neck move.

 

He looks him in the eyes for a fleeting moment before Robert’s lips are crashing down onto his in a soft, salty kiss that Aaron has missed so desperately.

 

“I knew it,” Robert says breathless after they release. “I knew you couldn't be dead, I just knew it. After they said there was no body, I never lost hope. I knew you would never leave us.”

 

Aaron can't stop the tears that stream down his face.

 

He crashes his lips back down on Robert’s, hand in hair and sighing in contentment.

 

“I missed you so much,” he says between kisses, heart aching in a good way. “I love you.”

 

“Please don’t leave me again,” Robert almost begs, hands on either side of Aaron's face, staring into his tear filled eyes, faces so close together that he can feel Robert’s words on his lips.

 

“Never,” Aaron replies, and he means it, he truly means it. “I’m home, Robert, I’m home.”

 

He brings their lips back together one last time, just like coming home.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Leeds UK, December 2045**

 

 

 

 

The smells of freshly cooked chicken fills the room the same way it does every Sunday afternoon.

 

He smiles to himself, shifts in his seat and repostions his arm to push the black framed glasses up his nose.

 

Aaron never dreamed in a million years he’d be a grandfather, telling stories and giving up his knees as a form of a chair, but here he is.

 

Victoria is on his lap, curled into his side and looking up at him with her bright blue eyes, like he put the stars in the sky, and Daniel’s there too, on his opposite side, perched up on the arm of the chair and hanging on his every word.

 

“And what's this medal for, Grandpa Aaron?” He asks in his soft voice, mesmerised as he watches the medal spin in his hand.

  
“That one, he got from the Queen!” Robert beams as he comes towards them, smelling like cooking oil and musk as he places a kiss on the top of Aaron’s head.

 

There’s a chorus of gasps and wide eyes as Robert chuckles and Aaron has to attempt to contain the grandchildren excitement.

 

“You met the Queen?” Victoria asks, astonishment in her voice and Aaron smiles warmly at her.

 

“I did sweetheart, she was a very lovely women.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“That's so cool,” Daniel smiles.

 

“Yeah, your grandpa's pretty cool, eh?”

 

Luna appears from the other room. Her blond blonde hair tied neatly in a bun and her lips painted a light pink. She’s got Robert’s smile, and now it lights up the room as she enters and Aaron can’t help but feel warm everytime he sees it. She grabs at a tray, begins to help Robert set the table like they do every Sunday.

 

“Would you ever go back, grandpa?” Aaron's attention is brought back down to Daniel, his big eyes and excited smile makes him chuckle before he looks up once again and catches Roberts eye.

 

“Never,” he smiles, but his eyes stay connected with Robert’s, neither of them breaking, still hard to resist after all this time.

 

“I’ve got everything I want right here.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Fini_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. It's done.
> 
> Over, Finished... months and months of writing!
> 
> If you got to this point, wow, thanks for sticking through it.. I know it's been a roller coaster!
> 
> This was the biggest thing I've ever written, and boy, was it a challenge. I really do hope you all enjoyed, please comment or kudos or get in touch with me on tumblr!
> 
> Hope you didn't shed too many tears!


End file.
